[StacyKelly2]

I have posted on this board several times. Once again I am here trying to find answers...- Our adoption is being contested by the birth father. He sent in paper work contesting the adoption back when the baby was only a couple months old. Now this angel is 17 months old. Nothing has been done as far as him taking us to court for custody or pushing for us to not have temporary custody. I was told by someone that regardless of how long we have this baby, since his contested forms were sent in-the adoption will not take place. More then likely the baby would be given back to the birth father...Please someone tell me that is not true. We were told by our attorney the longer we have the baby and he is not pushing for court the better our chances...I just don't know what to think now... This is just horribly frustrating...I just don't know what to believe anymore....

[Vogi2002]

From what I've heard, because he contested, the adoption won't happen. why did this drag out so long?? If he contested when the baby was just a couple months old why did it go on? Just trying to wrap my hear around it. His rights remain in tact unless abandonment or something like that (depends on each state laws) and the longer you have the baby the more damage it will do when the baby has to be taken from your home....just my opinion. Is he fighting for custody?

This must be very painful for you, but his rights should also be respected. I hope this comes to an outcome soon for the best of the child....

Natalie

[StacyKelly2]

We have had the baby since birth. This guy knew of the pregnancy and knew the baby was going up for adoption. There were 2 possible birth fathers -one signed off his rights immediately. The other told the birth mom he did not want the baby...so we figured we would not have had a problem. Then when the baby was born paper work was taken to him and he refused to sign over his rights. The baby still remained in our custody..then when the baby was 3 months this guy wanted the paper work re-drawn back up he was going to sign off his rights for the adoption. WE were so happy!!! Months and months went by with nothing being done. He never signed off his rights. Then we were told we needed to pay for his dna test which we did...after 3 tries finally he took the dna test and was proven to be the father. The baby was approximately 11 months old by this time. Our attorney offered open adoption which he once again agreed to...we were so happy!!! To make a long story short once again he has now changed his mind. That was back in April when the baby was 12 months old. This has not gone to court and we were told to sit back and let him push for the court hearing...so far nothing is being done. We were under the impression the longer he did nothing the better our chances would be. Now I am hearing something totally different. I am just a mess....I have no idea what to believe now.

[HappyTwinsMom]

What an absolutely horrible roller-coaster ride for your family. I'll be praying that the situation resolves soon. I just can't imagine what you must be going through.

[joskids]

Remind me again, Stacy, because I don't save all of my PM's, about the Putative Father Registry. Did he sign? Have you filed your adoption petition yet? Here, it seems to hinge on that (we hope). I don't understand your case at all, why it has gone on so long and the lawyers are doing what? Nothing???? What is the birthfather's situation? Why does he want the baby? Does he believe he can truly give the baby a good home? Asking not for legal reasons, but finding that birthfathers (often, obviously not ALWAYS), do this in terms of pride, of not wanting to admit they "gave up on their child." I wonder at times whether they really understand what this does to a child, this waiting, this giving them a family to bond to and then taking it away. It DOES affect a child in terms of losing a family after all these months. I've seen it too often in foster children tossed from one home to another. It leaves holes in buckets that cannot be filled. Ever. The court should be acting to get this done in the best interest of the child. I do think (personally) that the longer this goes on, the birthfather is more likely to let it go. The fact that he has waivered says something about his stability. Says much about how dedicated he truly is to wanting to parent this child. I hope (as I have seen more than once) that he does nothing and that, because your child is so bonded to you, and you to her, she will stay forever. I have a friend who has adopted and was fostering a child they had since birth. She GLADLY sent children back to birthfamilies many times over, knowing it was best and that it was right by the system's standards. But because of the circumstances of this baby girl, it would definitely not be best. Still, she prayed to deal with whatever future God wanted for this little girl, but they loved her so much. The entire family would have suffered much to have her gone. She was to be returned to her birthmother the next week. 7 other siblings had been placed in adoptive homes but this was the only full CC child and mother's family wanted her back (interesting, huh?). And two nites b4 she was to go back to birthmom (and my friend had everything packed, every toy, every piece of clothing that she wanted her to have to make the transition smoother), and birthmother got into yet another fight with a boyfriend and the police were called and the judge had had it for the very last time and she never went to her mother. She's now 8 and beautiful and bright and the light of their lives. Much prayer and support went into that child. I am praying for, and supporting you. I pray that you are blessed with the strength to be strong for your child. It's not easy waking up every morning to the sinking thought that you could lose your child. I do it daily.

Josie

[daddysangel]

Stacy you have to find a way to just hang in there.When we were given our angel by BOTH bparents we never had a thought about legal stuff because we never thought about adoption before this so had no idea what we were doing.All we knew is these two people asked us to raise her as our own and we did.When we enrolled her in school 3yrs ago is when the Bfather all of a sudden became a loving father.RESPECT HIS RIGHTS?? I DO NOT THINK SO!!
We stopped pushing for the adoption and have not heard a word since.Take away the fact that she is 8yrs old and just go back the last three and count all the love and support he has given this child and you will come up with the same number as the previous 5yrs of her life.NOTHING! But yet NC courts have already given her back to him.That is why we do not want the case moved to NC.We are ignoring their court order and waiting for a court order from OH stating they are giving NC jurisdiction.Until then we have temp custody and will continue to ignore NC.According to NC she should have been dilivered to him on the first of AUG.We are now 2 mths late and still have not heard a word about it.Show me that this guy truely wants her and wants to love and raise her and I will respect his rights.I also believe that with some men it is a sign of pride-Something they can use to show that they are men.That statement is coming from a man and I can tell you they have no idea what it really takes to be a man or a daddy.As far as that goes it appears the court system does not know either.You would think they would when they look at the fact that there is a reason they refer to them as Birth Fathers NOT birth DADDYS.If you have the money to push it and fight I would do it.If we push it it could end up in NC and it would cost us money that we may not be able to come up with and I am not going to lose this angel because I could not afford the cost to fight for her.SO we sit and wait and go on with life like it was before.At least give it our best shot and I believe GOD is watching over her.HE knows how she feels about it in her heart and also knows what it would do to her.So I trust that HE will make it all right.
Just hang in there Stacy and I wish I could make some sense in all this for you But I do not even understand our case.SOOO.... Best of luck and we will be praying for you.

[ChristieS]

Hi Stacy,

As I said in my PM I feel like we have been going through this for so long together that I know you. What I do know is the agony you are going through. I'm so sorry and I wish I had an answer for you.

Since we have now decided to push for our adoption and to terminate bmom parental rights then I'll let you know how my case goes. Of course we have had our son, and been going through this for over four years. We were told wait - wait- wait - wait. How long do you wait? Good grief!!

Have you checked into the possibility of simply terminating the birthfather's rights? I'm sure you have because I have seen how desperate you are to end all of this. A TPR based on abandonment is my best thought at the moment.

The only answer I can give you is you wait as long as you have to - but there MUST come an end to this nightmare and the stress it places on the whole family.

My last option, if this next hearing does not go in our favor, is to take it directly to the Supreme Court on a special writ. So I am willing to do just that if it comes down to it.

Keep us posted and hang tough girl. You can do it.

Christie S.

[StacyKelly2]

I don't for the life of me understand why this is going on so long. Basically, we were told of the situation and was told that this guy did not want the baby. Of course, going through any adoption there are risk. We understood that-we knew the possible chance that even the birth mom could change her mind. Regardless the situation was brought to us for a reason. Nobody knows the sheer happiness after years of waiting to become parents, countless tears,prayers, hopes dreames and wishes..unless you have experienced the heartache of wanting a child. We had NO intentions of trying to take anyone's child. We only wanted to adopt. From our understanding this was not going to be contested. All persons involved knew of the pregnancy and of the baby going up for adoption- In the state of Maryland there is no putative father's registry...As far as we were concerned nobody was trying to stop this adoption. I attented every doctor's appt. with the birth mom.Never once did I see this guy throughout the whole pregnancy-and he knew of it! Once the baby was born the one possible birth father immediately signed over his rights. Then papers were given to this other guy to sign off his rights-and at first he refused. Of course we were in shock!! Never did we think after all this time now he would want the baby. Its easy for some people to say why did this take so long or why didn't we hand the baby back. Bottom line we had temporary custody and the only way to do anything was through a judge. Once the birth father did not want to sign off-the birth mom protected her rights and filed through the courts paper work stating she wanted the adoption to go through, however if this other guy wouldn't sign off his rights-she still would have her rights. At this point still we did not know who the biological father was. Then when the baby was about 3 months old this guy decided he wanted to have the papers re-drawn back up to sign off his rights. He realized the best thing was for the baby to be adopted. We were so happy!!! We waited and those forms were never signed. Our next step was to pay for his dna testing...(this most likely would never have been done if not for us paying). After 3 tries finally he showed up and took the dna-that is when we found out he was the biological father. All this takes time going through all the legal process...-that is what takes so long. Once paternity was established we offered open adoption-he agreed to our attorney...then a couple weeks later now has changed his mind again. It has been an emotional heartache...not knowing what he wants. While I understand he has every right to his child what I don't understand is he has not pushed for anything. I feel we have been doing all we possibly can. Our advice was to let him now push for any court hearings...at this point we are at a loss of what to do. Playing on our emotions and holding an innocent baby on "hold" is just not fair. I feel if he wanted this baby then why hasn't he fought this in court. Every move that has been taken has been by us...I see other contested adoptions on here...does that mean because they send in a contested form that we don't have a chance of adoption? What are we to do just give up? Its obvious this guy does not know what he wants..he goes from one extreme to the next. We cannot take him for his word...his last statement to us was "If you allow me to see him"-which we did -then he would let the open adoption go through and now it changes again. I am totally confused as to what we should do. All I know is we have a 17 month old baby who looks to us as mommy and daddy..and who we love more than anything in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tryingtokeepangel]

Stacy, I am the wife of "daddysangel, I know my husband has wrote our story on here and has talked to you. I read what you posted and my heart goes out to you, You are right no one knows what kind of hell it is unless you are living it. We were told that our chances of having our own kids was unlikely, and as a woman I wanted kids, and never thought I would be told we might not have them. Our story is a little different it was my sister that gave birth to our little angel(but not so little now 8yrs.old) But never did we think we would go though all that we did and the only word is "pure hell" This so called bfather has never tried to see her, never once picked up the phone.To this very day has done nothing to show us he wants her, he wants to use her to get back at my sister. Our storys are alike too, we too had to pay for the DNA testing to be done, why I don't know to this day, but if we didn't do it, it wouldn't be done today. We are the ones that were pushing for this to be over, and now we have stopped, and he has done nothing as of date. I can't tell anyone what to do, but in our case we are NOT doing anymore to help the so called bfather...where was he when she was crying, when she was hurt, when she was crying for her mommy(me), does he know what she likes or don't....they say the bparents have rights I say they gave up them rights when they gave up their child, they let other people come into these angels life and then what we are nothing....no we are these angels "PARENTS" we are the ones that truely love them, the ones that are try their hardest to keep them safe! I don't get on here that much because it takes me back to a point I don't ever want to go, I can say I know everything you are feeling, I was there and not knowing is very hard. I think its time for these courts to get off their butts and help us to protect our children!!! Where are their rights, we were told that does not come into play until they decide who gets the case....what the heck is that...These angels have rights and no one will listen to them, so we have to make them listen. I hope everything works out for you and your family I will keep you in my prays. Don't give up, your angel needs you!!!

[StacyKelly2]

I am not giving up - We have no choice for the sake of this angel but to keep fighting..and actually there is not a fight for custody because this guy has not done anything. That is something I see in almost all of these cases. Why should we be the ones to track these guys down? To keep taking them to court? Isn't it obvious that they know of the children,and they know this children are placed with a hopeful adoptive family...they are aware of everything that is going on. Signing and sending in a contested form against the adoption is just the first step...They should need to atleast show a commitment, show a concern, show something! I call my mom everyday she is the one keeping our angel as we work...to just check-up and make sure our angel is fine - I do this daily, as any loving parent would do..- This is just so sad. These are not teenagers we are dealing with who don't know responsibility-Its not like these guys don't know...they have now had years..not months to do something and yet this is allowed to continue. We are all holding on to pray and hope that one day peace will be with us...and we will keep our little angels!!!

[wishing4more]

I had a quick thought...

Listen only to those who know your case specifically. It is so easy for others to have an opinion about what is "right" and "ethical" and "legal." It just isn't always so simple.

I'm truely sorry that you are going through this mess. It can be so hard to keep the faith and not let the worries eat you alive. Keep your chin up and trust that all will work out.

You and your family are in my prayers!

[rykyki]

While my heart goes out to all of you and the children involved here, we must remember that birthparents do have rights under the law and these rights must be taken into consideration. We may not agree with the way some birthparents handle themselves in these very difficult circumstances, but that does not negate these rights. As an adoptive parent myself of a wonderful daughter whose birthfather was reluctant initially to terminate his parental rights, I've been through some of what is being described here. However, we respected his rights and his feelings about his daughter and worked through the situation with the help of our attorney. I hope that you all find closure soon.

[MamaS]

Wishing4more gives good advice. Each case is different, each state is different. What works for someone else may not work for you.
However, I will suggest that once you have gotten a lawyer whose advice you trust, and have done every legal thing he advises, then stand still. Time IS on your side.
Imagine a lawyer for the father arguing: "Your Honor, the child is only three years old, she will forget the foster home when she is reunited with her loving father (whom she has never seen)." Now imagine this:
"Your Honor, the child is only ten years old, she will forget, yadda, yadda, yadda... etc." Yeah, and she will forget how to read and how to ride a bike and her favorite pet and all the other life experiences she has had with her family! No judge is stupid enough to believe that and if they are, the appeals court won't be. Just wait it out. As someone legal said --"Possession is nine-tenths of the law" and you have possession.

[StacyKelly2]

In response to your post. I just wanted you to know that we have respected this birth father's rights completely through out this whole process. Once this guy lied straight to our faces, and has continously played on our emotions that is when we felt this is just unfair. We would never ever disrespect the birth parents that is just not us. We still have communication with the birth mom and she is a big part of our family and we also wanted the same and offered the same to the birth father. For us, the importance of the baby knowing his biological parents was something we welcomed. From the start this guy bad mouthed the birth mom and that was something we did not want. Its confusing to us exactly what this birth father wants ...respect goes two ways..and we have been disrespected time and time again. Bottom line if this guy wanted the baby then this would have been over. Now for this to continue over a year is just not fair. Sure, every biological parent has a right to their baby-but how long can this go on, and how fair is it to this angel?? What is this baby supposed to just be place on "hold" until the birth father makes up his mind?? Meanwhile we are the ones loving this angel and the attachment and bonding are just so great...One thing nobody can say is that we did not honor and try to do all we could for the birth parents, but also first and foremost for this angel!!! Nobody stopped this guy from going to court and getting custody or visitation. We only have temporary custody. What can possibly be the excuse for all of this birth fathers? All I know is if I wanted my baby then it would not take me over now one year to get myself to court! There is only so much blame that can be placed on the hopeful adoptive parents.

[joskids]

Stacy, we felt the same way. Once we saw the birthfather disrespect our birthmother, who deserved so much more support than he EVER gave her, we asked that she visit without him just once, so that we could get a feeling for how she is dealing with the adoption. He, apparantly, got whacked out about that, even though he never supported her through the pregnancy, dated other women (it goes on and on), still we all tried to include him. My husband feels that we will be respectful until disrespected. Once someone puts our family's happiness at risk (we have 3 other adopted children and what they feel MATTERS), then we must back off and treat him differently -- NOT unfairly, NOT unjustly, NOT rudely. Stacy has gotten some good thoughts on this board. I had an adoption support specialist tell me basically what "MamaS" says -- let a good attorney do the work and let it go until you come to the point of another hearing or another decision, make the decision, attend the hearing, then go from there. If you try to think too much ahead of the game, you won't make it emotionally. It's hard, though, not to hash this over again and again when the hurt is so constant. Best wishes to all of you. On a positive note, our Motion to Dismiss on one of our birthfather's Complaints was heard and he was dismissed in that court. We have more to come, but at least it seems to be heading in the right direction. All of you -- stay strong. God sees and hears us -- even on His busiest days!!! He walks with us on this journey. He loves our children.

Josie