[StacyKelly2]

We are in a contested adoption. We have had this angel since birth and the baby is now 15 months old. So far no court proceedings are scheduled. I am wondering who's responsibility it is to push for the court hearing. Shouldn't the birth father be pushing for this? I don't understand how this can go on for so long. The birth father contested the adoption when the baby was a couple months old. Then wanted to sign over his rights, then changed his mind. Other then sending in his forms for contesting the adoption, that is all he has done. We allowed him to see the baby which he has only seen the baby one time. He has never paid anything or basically done anything. He did agree at one point to open adoption, but then once again changed his decision. I would think if he wanted this baby he would be in court before this time fighting for custody or visits or something! Please if someone can give me some information I would greatly appreciate it. This is all so confusing..and all we know is it is unthinkable for this angel to be taken away from us. Isn't there some kind of law for the timeframe or something??

[daddysangel]

Hi Stacey,

If there are laws pertaining to a time frame they are not being followed with our case.We sent our story to a foundation called Fore Adoption and they put it in plain english.Quote " Legally the BF is in the drivers seat.You have raised your daughter without the benifit of legal rights". This is after 8 yrs of her life and a BF that has never did anything until we filed for adoption.We feel that everything we have done and paid for has only helped him out.OH still has not put anything in writing for jurisdiction so what we are doing now is absolutely NOTHING. We are not going to push court hearings or anything else until OH says in writing that it is going to NC.OH gave us temp custody so until they reverse that we will keep her.We will sit and wait another 8 yrs if that is what it takes.We are going to force the BF to fight for her if that is truely what he wants to do.What that means is to make him spend some money for a change and instigate court hearings and anything else it takes to get her if he truely wants her.I am sure you can understand Stacey that after 8 yrs of this little angel being in our life an adoption is only a piece of paper.She is our daughter and we are her parents in every way and nothing will ever change that.Whether we get that piece of paper or not.Are we afraid of losing her and worry everyday that we will? Not any more! We feel that the BF has never done anything for 8 yrs of her life and if we do not push the issue he will not do anything for the rest of her life and time is on our side.I feel the same way as you,If it was me and I truely did not want someone to adopt one of my kids I would be in court everyday and from the time she was born trying to get him or her back. I will never understand how a court system can look at the time frame and still allow a bparent to be in the legal drivers seat.
Good luck and God Bless

[ChristieS]

Well, the three of us are still in this together. StacyKelly, I have been told the same thing as daddysangel. We can either wait or force the issue. If we force the issue we could lose. If we wait they can file against us AGAIN (as you know they have filed several crazy motions against us) - which we then have to defend.

For me, the hardest part is the not knowing - and not having any time frame either. There is no finality and that is EXTREMELY hard on me. I want to push forward so I can have some peace of mind - but I don't want to at my son's expense. Over four years now - you would think there would have to be some legal time limits - but in my case there are not. Yes, I live in the fear every day.

I did find out that the primary lawyer who instigated actions against us is expected (if my source is correct) to be suspended or disbarred in the near future due to trading legal services for sex acts and "other nefarious acts". Funny, because last time they filed against us that is what he said I had said against him - which I didn't. Poetic justice? AARGGGGGGGGHHHHH! This whole thing makes me crazy!

IF he gets suspended or disbarred then that can only help my case - so I'm still in a holding pattern - now awaiting the outcome of the bar investigation.

I so want to be able to just love my child with abandon - carefree and knowing he is safe and we can live a normal life.

I wish we could all have some peace. I say prayers almost every day for both you and daddysangel. Let's hang in there with each other and try and get through.

Best wishes,
Christie

[StacyKelly2]

Doing nothing is exactly what we were told to do! Which makes no sense to me. We were told that this guy needs to push for court filings if he wants the baby then he needs to make the effort...And yet he can't even do that! That is where I question his love and commitment to this baby. I never wanted a battle - its not fair to this innocent baby! 15 months is a long time to just leave your baby in temporary custody. This makes no sense. Apparently we are okay to raise this angel all this time, but not good enough to adopt. How is this fair? Still the waiting means absolutely nothing this guy could still get the baby...We were told we have temporary custody which will not change -which means we keep the baby-until this goes to court. But does this mean the longer we have him the better our chances? After seeing situations that are going on for 4 years..and 8 years that is just unthinkable!! How can these biological fathers be so heartless? You don't just leave children for months or years and expect to come in and out of their lives...that is just not fair. This is just a control issue...which is just so clear to see! These babies have formed attachaments and bonding and love and they know us as their families..to take that all away is just not right..These laws need to be changed -There needs to be a timeframe set for the sake of these children! They need peace and stability to know they will not wake up one day and be taken from the only family they know!! I am just desperately trying to find the answers to some of my countless questions..and its so aggravating and frustrating to know there are no exact answers..The laws are just so unpredictable for every situation. Bottom line is how can this keep going on?

[ChristieS]

Doing nothing makes no sense to me either - yet that is what every lawyer has told us to do. I think the lawyers have no idea of the strain this places on an afamily - and in the process they get to hang on to a money-making case. Of course lawyers do not seek closure - then they would not keep being able to charge these outrageous fees. Lawyers, my lawyers (ex-lawyers actually since I have fired them all) are in it for themselves and care nothing about my son, or the laws which allow this sort of tragedy to continue. They LOVE to "keep it going" as that is how they make a living. They will sacrifice an innocent child, a family, the laws and codes, because it is in THEIR best interest.

Now - if someone wants to argue with me on this point then please feel free and I'll tell you the details of EXACTLY what lawyers have done - and not done - in my case. I personally blame both the politics, and the laws and codes, and the lawyers and judges for atrocities committed in my case. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure there is an ethical attorney out there somewhere - I've just never experienced one.

I never wanted a battle either. In fact, I did everything I could to avoid one. I offered and sacrificed EVERYTHING - only to be told that I now have to wait longer. When is it EVER enough?

No, StacyKelly, it does NOT make sense - unless you look at it from a lawyer's viewpoint. Especially when the State of Alabama is paying 5 lawyers for her; even when she was in juvy and he could not even go back to her. Then they filed to have him placed with DHR (I won that one). **Not ONE person has considered my CHILD in all of this.**

Right now we are acting pro se - I honestly don't know what else to do. It would be different if the bmom were interested in parenting early on - or if she wanted visitation - but we are in a war over nothing but lawyers and money. Make absolutely no sense.

I have been told this whole time that the longer we have our son the better - but still it has not changed. So all I can say is if you wait you had better be prepared to wait another 3 years - because I still stand where I was. And the time that has passed does NOT seem to have mattered.

We all need and deserve closure. I pray for all of us.

Christie

Originally Posted by StacyKelly2

Doing nothing is exactly what we were told to do! Which makes no sense to me. I never wanted a battle - its not fair to this innocent baby! This makes no sense. Apparently we are okay to raise this angel all this time, but not good enough to adopt. How is this fair? Still the waiting means absolutely nothing this guy could still get the baby...We were told we have temporary custody which will not change -which means we keep the baby-until this goes to court. But does this mean the longer we have him the better our chances? You don't just leave children for months or years and expect to come in and out of their lives...that is just not fair. This is just a control issue...which is just so clear to see! -There needs to be a timeframe set for the sake of these children! They need peace and stability to know they will not wake up one day and be taken from the only family they know!! I am just desperately trying to find the answers to some of my countless questions..and its so aggravating and frustrating to know there are no exact answers..The laws are just so unpredictable for every situation. Bottom line is how can this keep going on?

[StacyKelly2]

Prayer has gotten us all this far. I guess they look at us and think we should not have any feelings,being we are not the biological parents. That we are supposed to just go on with our lives like these angels were never there. That is just impossible and unthinkable! When I walk in the door after working all day the first thing our angel says is "my mommy, my mommy!" he knows me as mommy..As we pull up the driveway and our baby sees our home...he yells "daddy, daddy"- You cannot just erase months or years of a family - It is just so sad... I pray everyday that this will end and we will have peace soon...I hope that for everyone on this board-Only we know the heartache and pain..But it just makes us stronger to love this angels all the more!!!

[ChristieS]

StacyKelly,

This is a quote from the "General Adoption Forum" by redbonec with the title "legal risk placement".

Originally Posted by SanInUtah

I can handle uncertainty when it's presented to me with dates and decisions. Not knowing for the 'match' time, waiting for finalization on a VRN....I don't know that I could do that and bond.

SanInUtah made a good point. If there were just a date and time that we could say, "Well, it will all be finalized by ..." then it would be easier to get through. It is this unknowing and uncertainty for which there is no deadline that is most difficult for me to accept. Also, if there were some sort of deadline then we could know that the bparents that are not doing anything and have not done anything for years would not be likely to make any sort of deadline.

I still can not fathom that with a complete, finalized adoption the bmom can STILL come back and file again, and again. The only way for it to stop is if I force it back into court. I desperately want to do that but am terrified I will lose my son if I do. It is like he is being held a legal hostage.

I have one more quote I'm going to post which helped to validate my feelings on all this.

Best,
Christie

[ChristieS]

"I can relate somewhat to what you say about the bonding process--the baby has not been born yet. After receiving the news that legal risk is no longer a threat, I realized that this was the first time I was very excited about the adoption. I had been holding back more than I thought. And I realize it would be so much more difficult when the baby was born, and with placement."

This was in a very sweet PM to me. I don't know what it is like to live a life without this constant fear. I like to think I have not been holding back - but I don't even know, and probably won't until/unless this nightmare ends.

I have decided that if I go on to get my PhD I am going to do my research and dissertation on bonding in failed and contested adoptions. That may be a long way off, but it is deeply instilled in me.

I know I love my son so much it is indescribable. I know my fear of losing him is incapacitating. I know my disgust at the court system is palpable. I know I will never be the same and that I used to live in a world of naivitivity. I know my family deserves peace. We all do.

[daddysangel]

I heard something last night on my way home from work that struck me on the waiting.Quote:"We as humans some times feel that GOD has called us to do SOMETHING or pulling us towards his will and we grab it and run with it.We do not stop to realize that GOD may not have been ready for it and the calling fails.GOD is in control and we need to pray and wait for GOD to move.Sometimes GOD moves so fast that we have trouble keeping up and sometimes he moves slow and keeps us in a holding pattern for what it feels for us, is an eternity".
DEAR GOD
8yrs WOW!! But I trust you.
May your will be done.
Bless the children that needlessly suffer due to human law.
AMEN

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by daddysangel

"We as humans some times feel that GOD has called us to do SOMETHING or pulling us towards his will and we grab it and run with it.We do not stop to realize that GOD may not have been ready for it and the calling fails.GOD is in control and we need to pray and wait for GOD to move.Sometimes GOD moves so fast that we have trouble keeping up and sometimes he moves slow and keeps us in a holding pattern for what it feels for us, is an eternity".
May your will be done.
Bless the children that needlessly suffer due to human law.
AMEN

Thanks daddysangel. Sometimes I need to be reminded that God is in control. We have probably, to some extent, all suffered a spiritual existential crisis due to our experiences. I gain some peace in remembering that this sweet baby is God's child - not mine, not bparents, but God's - and so far He has kept my child safe and secure. Whatever He holds in store is yet to be seen. All I can do is my best.

Thanks again daddysangel.

[sadiegirl]

Stacy,

Is there any way you can ask your atty?

In our contested adoption, the bdad has had time frames to file motions, etc by.

There MUST be some sort of deadline he must file by..I would at least ask the atty. What state are you in/did you adopt from?

We're on pins and needles too; our atty said most adoption appeals take 2 mos from the point the appeals court has it on file...we are now on 3 mos waiting for the appeals decision. And the judge from the 1st trial ordered this case be expedited! If this is "fast", I'd hate to see "normal".

I pray for all of you...that it be God's will that these children stay where they belong.

This is like a nightmare from which you never wake up.

[patti Daniels]

I am so sad reading your stories. I will pray for all of you. When our daughter was two years old the bmom requested a picture. I sent a picture to the agency and worried when she saw how pretty she was that she would want her. The bmom wrote a letter after she received the picture, she said, "I can see how happy she is and now I feel better and can go on with my life." My story turned out ok. Our daughter is 18 now. The bmom is in her life and it is ok. I would suggest that each one of you talk to your Congressman and Senators. We need bills passed to protect our children. I remember the story about baby Jessica and I cryed when I watched that story. If everyone on this site could talk to their Congressman and Senator we would have a voice. Enough is enough. I will pray for legislation to pass laws to protect our children. The children should have rights to stay with their amom and adads. My prayers are with all of you.

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

Stacy,

Is there any way you can ask your atty?

In our contested adoption, the bdad has had time frames to file motions, etc by.

There MUST be some sort of deadline he must file by..I would at least ask the atty. What state are you in/did you adopt from?

We're on pins and needles too; our atty said most adoption appeals take 2 mos from the point the appeals court has it on file...we are now on 3 mos waiting for the appeals decision. And the judge from the 1st trial ordered this case be expedited! If this is "fast", I'd hate to see "normal".

I pray for all of you...that it be God's will that these children stay where they belong.

This is like a nightmare from which you never wake up.

[StacyKelly2]

We are from Maryland. I am not sure about timeframes for filing motions. You would think that would be somthing set into place. I will be asking the attorney, but I would hope they would know that already instead of making us just sit back and wait. Its worth asking...- This just does not seem right to just do nothing. I just find that so hard to believe. Its just outrageous to know there are other families out there going through this same horror. These are our children in every sense. They were born not under our hearts, but in them. I wish I could find the answers to stop the heartache and pain we have to endure. Sure going into every adoption situation there are risk, but I never dreamed this would not be over with by now. These are not fathers who do not know of the adoption -which is completely different situation. They know and yet they still do nothing. Please if anyone knows of some helpful information pm me. I will not give up...our angel deserves that much!!

[ChristieS]

StacyKelly,

I also never dreamed in a million years that this could go on without conclusion for so long. I am torn between trying to force it and doing nothing. If I force the issue do I stand the chance of losing him (earlier) - or do I do as my attorneys recommended and do nothing. But the fear and terror associated with the unending lack of resolution sends me reeling. Every day I ask myself what I should do.

I will never be the same.

Christie

[sadiegirl]

Stacy,

It may not be much consolation, if any, but the fact that bdad IS doing nothing will NOT look good for him when it DOES go to court.

I can also tell you that our atty NEVER volunteers information...we always have to go asking about anything! So they may not be sitting and making you wait but actually waiting for you to ask.

I know how you all feel about having no resolution, no deadline, etc. It SUCKS knwoing how much you love your child but may not get to keep them.