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  #1  
Old 06-04-2006, 09:52 AM
GAMom2B GAMom2B is offline
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Thumbs down Another failed adoption and a BAD day!

I've stayed away from the forum for a while because I wasn't quite sure how my next posting would go. I can only imagine some of the responses I may get, but I gotta let it out and people will feel how they feel.

Our 2nd private adoption has failed. To make a long and painful story short, we had been told by the bmom that she had chosen us as the parents for her baby. After several weeks of spending time with her and talking to her, which is what she said she wanted, she quit returning our calls. Later she told us she was "leaning towards another family because they were closer". Not that she had decided to parent (which would have been easier to accept), this other family is physically closer to HER. . Quite selfish! She seems to want only the good visits, etc., but nothing of the daily ups and downs that come with raising her son.

I realize many of you may be saying, "Well, you should have known she could change her mind. It's within her rights to do so" etc. All of this is true and not lost to us when this whole process started. But, even after a month, I don't really care about her! I'm angry, sad and in a way wish we had never started this process. I have made myself be rational and caring for her for too long, neglecting how I feel. I had hoped this pain would ease, but with mother's day watching my husband fall apart because all the other men at the store were with their kids shopping for mom while we dealt with this. Then the due date passed and now father's day on the horizon.

This may not be the place for a major pity party, and I really do hold myself together than this, but today has got to be one of the worst days. I've held it in too long. Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick? I can't physically have kids and while it hurts, the potential of adoption made that OK. I don't care how I become a parent, I just want to be one.

We now find ourselves stuck. We're good people with good jobs, family, etc. We just don't have the $20,000 or so needed for agency adoptions even though we have fairly better than average income to raise a child. It doesn't seem right or fair that something that is supposed to be natural is so far out of our reach. The two private adoptions were answers to our prayers.

Ok, I'm done crying and my pity party is over. Thanks to those of you who have responded to earlier posts and offered great advice. Good luck to those still in the process. Thanks for giving me an outlet to let some of this hostility and sadness go. It's hard, but it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)
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  #2  
Old 06-04-2006, 11:42 AM
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stillwaiting stillwaiting is offline
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I know it hurts. I have been there. Please give yourself time to heal. Time will take away some of the hurt.

I must say, this may be a blessing! It dosen't sound like a good match and in the long run you might be better off that she is choosing another family.

Your child is out there. Keep praying and please don't give up.

We had two failed placements (heartbreaking) before we were blessed with our son. Looking back, we know they were not right for us.

Just don't give up!
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  #3  
Old 06-04-2006, 12:00 PM
almostember almostember is offline
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Unhappy relate

i can relate a little. a friend of mine was placing for adoption, asked us at 9 weeks pregnant to aparent, we said yes, attended birth, had baby in the home for two days. lots of crisis reactions from my friend. it had been a long year of crisis reactions. dh couldn't see 18 more years of it since we were so close to my friend to boot. (it was going to be an open adoption with at least one visit per year.) ultimately, WE OPTED OUT! my friend, who is still my friend, placed with another family. now we feel like we all lost the baby!!! it's a very unusual but extremely painful situation. now, forgive me for sounding trite, but is korean adoption a possibility for you?

p.s.
there is a forum for failed and contested adoptions, and a lot of posters are going through the grieving process right now. you are not alone.
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  #4  
Old 06-04-2006, 12:41 PM
Brittmomto3 Brittmomto3 is offline
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I am so sorry that you had another failed adoption. My heart goes out to you. We had a failed adoption, when we were on our journey to our second miracle baby. We attended the birth, named the baby, and on MOTHERS DAY ...she/ they told us they changed their minds. we were heartbroken!!! Yes, I knew that this could happen ... but I guess you think ity will never happen to you. We remained focused on adopting again. Well, we did and we now have three girls, our two youngest are 3 months apart ..."our twins." Our older daughter is almost 3.5 years (time flies).

we did private domestic adoption for all.

Like another poster wrote ... looking back I can see that WAS NOT the right match for us.

and THANK God it did fail ... becuse if not, i wouldn't have my three princesses!

keep your chin up and
KNOW MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY DAY!
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Miracles happen!!!
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  #5  
Old 06-04-2006, 02:13 PM
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crick crick is offline
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I'm sorry this match didn't work out. Her reason of wanting to be physically closer to her child is understandable though. I can see a first parent wanting to be closer to the child for many reasons, and don't see that as selfish, but rather a way for her to feel better about contact and keeping in touch etc.

I'm sure that no matter what reason she gave, it wouldn't lessen the pain for you. If she had parented, or if she'd said it just didn't feel right or etc. Nothing would make you feel better about it. So maybe it would help to focus less on the reasons why this match didn't work and just go ahead and grieve for the "what could have been" in general, kwim?

Not easy and I'm sorry you are going through this.
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  #6  
Old 06-05-2006, 07:18 AM
ChristieS ChristieS is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GAMom2B

Our 2nd private adoption has failed. She seems to want only the good visits, etc., but nothing of the daily ups and downs that come with raising her son.

But, even after a month, I don't really care about her! I'm angry, sad and in a way wish we had never started this process. I have made myself be rational and caring for her for too long, neglecting how I feel. I had hoped this pain would ease,
Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick? I can't physically have kids and while it hurts, the potential of adoption made that OK. I don't care how I become a parent, I just want to be one.

We now find ourselves stuck. We're good people with good jobs, family, etc. We just don't have the $20,000 or so needed for agency adoptions even though we have fairly better than average income to raise a child. It doesn't seem right or fair that something that is supposed to be natural is so far out of our reach. The two private adoptions were answers to our prayers.

Thanks for giving me an outlet to let some of this hostility and sadness go. It's hard, but it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)


Please feel free to vent and let out some of your hurt here. That is why we are here. I'm so sorry for you because it is demoralizing to have to go through this. You are right that it seems that adoptive parents have no real rights.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GAMom2B
"it's also obvious that private adoption is not something we're looking into any further (only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)"

We also attempted a private adoption and I personally can not recommend it to anyone. The only route I can recommend after what we have been through is an agency which does not allow the adoptive parents to even see the infant until after appopriate papers have been signed and time limits allowed for. That is not in the best interest of the child - but neither is it in the best interest of the child to have them ripped from one family and then placed with another after bonding has occurred.

As far as the "(only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)" I know there are a LOT (probably the vast majority on this site) who feel that to have a closed adoption is harmful to the child - but in MY experiences it can be worse for the child under certain circumstances and adoptive parents need to be the ones to make the decision as to what is best for their child - NOT the courts, NOT the birth parent - but the parent who loves and raises the child from day one, staying up all night with them, tending to them when they are sick, knowing their personalities and vulnerabilities - adoptive parents know their children and what is best for them.

I'm glad when open adoptions work out - and I had wonderful dreams of one big happy family with all of us staying close - but the fact is there are times that this situation is not in the best interest of the child - and when the courts take away the adoptive parent's right to decide that then they MAY HAVE inadvertently created a terrible situation for the child.

Again, "(only closed or semi-open from now on, if we're lucky)" I absolutely agree - it needs to be up to the adoptive parents. There are many people here who will disagree and that is fine - they have not been through what I have been through and it is difficult to understand without my experiences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GAMom2B
"Why does is seem that us "good people" always come out on the short end of the stick?"
Because so many of the courts give birth parents FAR more rights than adoptive parents - and it seems adoptive parents rarely even figure in - the bparents can and do change their minds and the time periods are unfair in some states.

My prayers are with you.

Last edited by ChristieS : 06-05-2006 at 07:21 AM. Reason: misspelled
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  #7  
Old 06-05-2006, 08:45 AM
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saxxxy saxxxy is offline
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GAMom2B

I know how you feel. We had an adoption fail last month after being matched for 7 months. The Mom called us the day she found out she was pregnant and asked us to parent. For 7 months I took lots of time off work taking her to appointments and physical therapy and hospital visits, etc...
The emotional pain I have felt for the last month has been greater than I thought possible.
I can tell you that time heals. I didn't think I was going to start feeling better, but I have.

I have regained my Faith and know that the right child will come at the right time.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your child finds you soon.
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Mother to a Handsome Son adopted through Foster Care. born 2007, home at 6 weeks
Mother to a Wonderful teenager adopted through Foster Care. born 1994, home 2011
Fostered nine children who were all reunited with family.
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  #8  
Old 06-05-2006, 10:14 AM
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mom2samuel mom2samuel is offline
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I can understand the route you want to take. After our second failed adoption (in 6 weeks), I told our agency that we weren't much interested in any situation until papers had been signed by bparents and the waiting time was over. It is so gut wrenching!! Now that we're several weeks passed the most recent failed adoption, things seem a little better, but we still feel pretty much the same. We've waited so long to add to our family, and open adoption has been a disappointment so far. We have felt completely at the mercy of everyone, including our agency. The last time when they called us, they wanted us in North Carolina THAT NIGHT! (The call came at close to 2 P.M , my husband works an hour away, and we have a son we had to make arrangements for.) (Oh, we live in Indiana) We are not rich people, but we feel like various people in this process think we have a bottomless pocket and a magic transporter that gets us places in seconds. It's Crazy!! And, at this point, we cannot get any money back from our agency, so we are stuck. So, I keep hope that things will work out- and I hope that's the case for you, too.

I'm happy you posted your true feelings, because that's the only way you are going to heal. No one has a right to tell you what to feel and what to think! Grief and anger are unfortunate components of this process. I hope you find the strength to make the decisions that are best for you. Good luck and best wishes.

mom2samuel
one son-adopted from Guatemala (born 7/01, home 12/01)
signed with agency 3/04
letter "in the book" 8/04
"waiting' almost 2 yrs.
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  #9  
Old 06-05-2006, 07:51 PM
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JPDakota JPDakota is offline
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After our second failed adoption (in 6 weeks), I told our agency that we weren't much interested in any situation until papers had been signed by bparents and the waiting time was over.
Yep, that's what we did last June19th (Father's Day, incidentally), and we couldn't be happier. Took about a year for us to get selected, but the papers were all signed and the agency had assumed custody of our little one. We had 2 failed adoptions, but not that close together. Anyway, a lot of people here have jumped all over me about closed adoption and how its "better for the child". I don't buy it for a lot of reasons, including the fact that I'm an adult adoptee. I think its probably better for the birthparents, or seems like it will be.
Our little one will be 1 year old very soon! I wouldn't have it any other way.
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  #10  
Old 06-06-2006, 02:14 AM
ckh8456 ckh8456 is offline
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I feel your pain and loss.This is a grieving process, and you have a right to be uposet. Are you only interested in parenting a baby. They grow up fast. Why not look at adopting a child that is a toddler or a little older , its alot less expensive and you don't have to deal with a birthmom unless you want to and there are so many out there who need great parents. You don't have to be fosterparents and have the fear of bonding and then losing them, just come into the picture once the final paperwork is ready to be signed or has already been signed. Obviously your home study is already done, check out local adoption agencys that have kids that are ready for placement.
Good Luck I am sure your children are out there waiting for you, they just don't know it yet.
I am an adult adoptee and proud mom to 4 adopted children
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  #11  
Old 06-06-2006, 05:14 AM
proudmommyof 2 proudmommyof 2 is offline
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After a failed domestic adoption 5 years ago (child was in home with us for 2 months) , I felt the same why-why is something that should be natural so hard? Why is this happening to us?


Now that we have our little guys, I can look back and realize that it did all happen for a reason. While it hurts to think of the first child, I know that he wasn't meant to be ours. It's of little comfort to you now, I know. But I thank God for every good and bad thing that led us to our boys. And now, I feel blessed by our fertility problems and failed adoption. I really do.

I'm sorry this has happened. Hang in there....
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  #12  
Old 06-08-2006, 06:18 PM
GAMom2B GAMom2B is offline
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Thanks to all for the comforting thoughts. My ever-so-kind husband got to repeat my motto "Honey, everything happens for a reason." Though we may not know or ever know why, I do believe this. I have had to keep reminding myself many times over. Unfortunately, it doesn't take the pain we feel in our hearts away.

I was extremely close to a nervous breakdown during this process (1st failure, we walked away. We were put in the 2nd situation less than a week later.) My grandmother passing away during all of this seemed to put an exclamation point on everything. So needless to say, with everything hitting at once, I required medication. I stopped taking it once we decided to try IUI again. Meds can cause birth defects, so I quit. We both felt extremely strong about adopting, so we chose that route instead of trying further for "our own". (I'm not a huge fan of forcing my body to over or under act the way it naturally does and refuse IVF for this purpose.)

I only wish that time was making things easier. For a while, I seemed to be "handling" everything ok. My husband and I took turns "breaking down" so we could be strong when the other needed it. I try not to let my feelings show now because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also feel like I should be doing better (Yes, I expect more out of myself -- not only with this, but with everything.)No matter how much it hurts our family members, only you guys know what we are feeling & can relate. Lately, I feel as though we got the news just yesterday. Maybe I need to hit the punching bag until I can get a better handle on things.

We have decided to allow ourselves some healing & grieving time and aren't pursuing anything until after the summer. We also want some time where we make decisions for ourselves instead of being at the mercy of everyone else.

Thanks again for all your help! I know things will get better, I only wish it would happen NOW. All of your stories give me more hope that adoption can still be an option for us. Let's just pray that we follow the path we are meant to be on instead of the one we want to follow.
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  #13  
Old 06-09-2006, 03:12 AM
daddysangel daddysangel is offline
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WOW!! During what we are going through my wife has lost her grandmother also.She was very close to her.We were also told that we could not have our own and I remember telling my wife that you can not miss what you never had.I never really thought about having kids and she did.So to her that news was more devestating.In 1998 we got the child that we are fighting for now and in 2002 we had a little girl (the docs were wrong).Now I think "you don't know what you've got till it is gone". How blessed we have been.Listen to your husband.I have a strong faith and when it is tested such as now I think of the poem Footprints in the sand.I can look back at my teen yrs and see were GOD has picked me up and carried me.At this time it is hard to see HIS will in all this but after it is over and time has passed I will look back and see what we have done and wonder how we got through it and I will bet that I will see only one set of footprints in the sand.May he carry us all.
Hang in there and when our case is all over we have the same plan.To just go somewhere away from it all and just breathe.
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  #14  
Old 06-09-2006, 08:30 AM
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JPDakota JPDakota is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daddysangel
WOW!! During what we are going through my wife has lost her grandmother also.She was very close to her.We were also told that we could not have our own and I remember telling my wife that you can not miss what you never had.I never really thought about having kids and she did.So to her that news was more devestating.In 1998 we got the child that we are fighting for now and in 2002 we had a little girl (the docs were wrong).Now I think "you don't know what you've got till it is gone". How blessed we have been.Listen to your husband.I have a strong faith and when it is tested such as now I think of the poem Footprints in the sand.I can look back at my teen yrs and see were GOD has picked me up and carried me.At this time it is hard to see HIS will in all this but after it is over and time has passed I will look back and see what we have done and wonder how we got through it and I will bet that I will see only one set of footprints in the sand.May he carry us all.
Hang in there and when our case is all over we have the same plan.To just go somewhere away from it all and just breathe.
This is very well said! Sometimes all we can do for a little while is just breathe. Hang in there.
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  #15  
Old 06-09-2006, 08:50 AM
Hoping4child Hoping4child is offline
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Smile It took us three years

Finalization of the adoption of my little girl took about three years from beginning to end.
It took a while (16 months from the time we got her at birth).

There were times when I thought I might lose it, but with the help of God and my husband I stuck with it....and I can clearly say if it weren't for my dedication to this goal It would not have happened.

It is very tough.

There is one agency in NY that I would recommend....Visit http://www.searchmothers.com/pregnancy/adoption.php
(it's the first listing on that page - they are very reasonable)

I am the editor of SearchMothers.com, an online magazine for mothers and it is covering the topic of adoption this month (June issue)
The coverage this month is in celebration of my family's adoption of our little girl.

Please go visit:

You can go to the Homepage
http://www.searchmothers.com/

or directly to some of the articles
http://www.searchmothers.com/featur...ep_adoption.php
(Step-parent Adoption)

http://www.searchmothers.com/feature...g_adoption.php (Considering Adoption)

http://www.searchmothers.com/ask/sowle/adoption_age.php (Q and A about adoption from expert)

Best regards,

S.Matteo
Founder, SearchMothers.com
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