[almostember]

i met a friend online through other friends who i know in person. she was going through something extraordinary and had been in the media. she got involved in a crisis pregnancy and asked my family to adopt the baby when she was 9 weeks. she is over 40 and has grown children so she really knew parenting, what it takes, etc., and really didn't want to parent. she nearly aborted the baby several times but somehow didn't. i ran myself into the ground trying to help her. we saw God evidence Himself in many miraculous events. the gal doesn't do well under this type of significant stress (who does) and was really losing it at times. REALLY ugly stuff. trust me. bdaddy crowed all the way to the end. "i want her and i'm going to get her." that sort of thing. it was really threatening, as we had the lawyers serve him with our state's adoption information broken down barney style. in short, he got a blueprint of what to do and he got baby-walked through it. it was a HUGE risk. he makes a ton of dough and had easy access to lawyers. we were betting on his habit of ZERO support and ZERO action. it would KILL his rights in court later. we had 30 days to wait it out, but due to a lawyer's office slip (and there were many), the 30 days wouldn't be over until TWO WEEKS after the baby was born. the bmom flew here and stayed at our home. we had a blast. we were scared but always praying and hanging in there duking it out with laywers, joking like crazy and what. she went into labor on my birthday and had the baby the next day. they gave me a room next door to hers and the baby stayed with me when i was not at home with my children (2 and 7). the baby stayed with her per her request when i was not there. she was in a crisis still at that point because here's her baby and she doesn't know what is going to happen for 2 weeks. basically, when she had the baby i could do NOTHING right. our friendship fizzled out royally. she was also going through post partum and the ugly twin was roaring out again. this scared the stew out of my husband, and i was just sick of dealing with it for 9 months. if she wasn't happy with a doctor in the hospital she was going to take her baby and go home. that sort of thing. we were up down up down not knowing if the adoption was on or off. when she got out of the hospital, the baby came home with us for two days and Mom went to an apartment. wasn't happy there and wanted a beach house. she was going to try and find a way to pay for it. when that didn't work out she wanted a hotel. we weren't going to pay for it because the apartment was provided. lots of bickering which resulted in her telling me to bring her baby back, she was going home, and she slammed the phone down. i called the lawyers and told them she had ended the plans. returned the baby and she acted like the adoption plan was still on if we were game. lawyers were throwing new stuff at us, and ultimately we suspect that they were trying to dissuade us from completing the "cheap" direct adoption with them so that they could bag our bmom for another afamily who was paying the whopping agency fee unlike us. at any rate, between their confusions and bmom's meltdowns, we were getting really turned off. bmom explained that the cancellation was really a miscommunication. wacky but true. she only wanted to take the baby home (another state) and WAIT for the 30 days to end apparently, but we didn't know that part. we were very seriously considering getting back into it, but she kept the baby for the rest of the time. our kids only knew that we had been babysitting and that our babysitting gig got cut short by ten days. i never pressured Mom and always let her know that we were all for her choice to take the baby home and reassured her that she didn't have to place, because i saw how much grief it was causing her. my dh and i even tried to help her find programs in her area that would help her start life over. she didn't want life with bdad for the baby. our lawyers started in about how "risky" the situation was and really piled it on because she knew where we lived and everything about us. "what if she tells baby's daddy?" and that sort of thing. they were talking about the fact that he could appeal the adoption even though he would never win, but that it could end up costing us... how much, ballpark it... no, they couldn't say, but they did tell me of a case that has been going on for THREE YEARS. scared my husband to death, but didn't kill it for him. because of all the craziness with bmom he started rethinking the open adoption thing. he wanted the visits reduced and wanted an escape clause even then. not to bilk our friend out of her visits but just so he could feel secure in being able to have control over the craziness in his family. he was staring down a period of 18 years and it looked like annual scary craziness to him. he also wanted an escape clause for our daughter-to-be in case SHE ever wanted the visits to stop. we hoped this would never be an issue, but we wanted these things written in ink. bmom was going through a lot and got scared that we were simply trying to cut her out of the picture. she was very aggitated with me and hung up on me several times. time was running out. we had like a three-hour window at that point. my husband asked how our "negotiations" were going and i told him. he said he didn't feel good about the whole thing, i said ok and called our pal and told her it was over for us. she was torqued off. the attorney rushed right over and had her sign consents. it turns out the bdad with the money, savvy and barney-style blueprints never did anything to stop the adoption. the baby has just been adopted by a family and Mom went home. we have talked since and repaired the damage that all the crisis madness did to our friendship. but the baby is gone. we have both lost her. Mom is doing much better than i am. i feel like i am losing my mind. i have child loss issues that simply DO NOT help the situation. i'm seeking some couseling. i've miscarried and, very regretfully, terminated (due to a rare maternal disease), and this doesn't even compare to a miscarriage. this is more like the termination. from my perspective God dropped a baby in our laps and we said "no thanks." the self-loathing at this point is phenomenal. i do not believe God ultimately meant for the child to go to the other family. i believe we foolishly goofed it up with our human foibles and God still worked it together for the good of the baby. i worry a little because there is one aspect of the family the bmom chose that i don't like and think is potentially dangerous. i can't do anything but leave it in God's hands now and walk around like a zombie here, pretending nothing is wrong in front of my kids. i'm not eating or sleeping well and the stress and grief are gnawing a hole in my stomach. now when i am finally allowed to think of myself and how very much i wanted the baby i cared for over those few days (but anticipated for 7 months), it feels like i'm dying. bmom and i are fine, close even. but she didn't get her dream family and we didn't get our beautiful baby girl. i'll bet no one has ever heard a story like this one, and i pray they never will again. my heart is broken, and my very last family building experience failed. i have no clue as to how i will dig my way out of this one.

[Leigh131313]

oh my gosh. How heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you.

[lifesajourney]

Words can not express my sypathy. Just 10 days ago, our precious twin girls were born and just as quickly, taken from us. We met our birthmom - by chance - the day after she found out she was pregnant and it was too late to abort (19 weeks). With '5 degrees of separation', we felt only divine intervention could have led her to us. We did everything for her - emotionally and financially when no-one else would support her:getting groceries, taking her oldest child to school every day...much, much more. She led us on a torturous, emotional roller coaster and there were so many times we wanted to quit, but held on for the sake of the babies. We were the ones she called when her water broke, and to be in the delivery room and to hold them in the NICU. After all her promises, something changed and instantly- with no explanation, remorse or love for those babies -we were out of the picture. She could have been planning it all along, we will never know.

Today, we returned the twin stroller, carseats and countless outfits. It nearly takes the wind out of you. Today is better than yesterday...which was better than the day before. Small steps, every day. A good friend told me I couldn't 'rush the pain'...easy to say when you're not drowning. Everyone means well - try not to fault people for not truly understanding, or really knowing what to say. Allow yourself to grieve. We know there will always be a place in our heart for the girls and we will always worry about their well-being. But we've prayed for peace and forgiveness and for Him to watch over them. It's a small condolence, but sometimes it's all you have.

Remember the darkest hour is only 60 mintues.

I am so sorry for your loss,
Stacy

[almostember]

thanks, stacy. i read your story and it was heartbreaking. i know you guys have been through the wringer. you seem to have a good attitude about it. me, not so much. i'm just dying minute by minute. check this out... my friend, "baby mama", stayed at our house for the week before birth. my birthday hits and we are painting our toenails and sticking rhinestone butterflies on them, watching Christian romance movies, the bbc and just generally acting goofy... having the best time. bmom starts to get these regular pangs, but she doesn't know if she is in labor. we go to bed at around 1:30a.m. and i'm walking down the hall to my room when she asks if i think we should go to the hospital. i say i don't know from false labor because my water broke with both my children. she says hers never did with any of her kids. i told her i just didn't know and again that all the mc*** babies started off with the water breaking. no sooner had i said the words than her water broke. "the water breaks with all the mc***" babies," and literally, BOOM! her water broke! the baby was born 2 hours later with me holding bmom's hand (and her almost biting me during unintentional natural childbirth!). i had my own hospital room and everything, and the baby stayed with me when i could be there. and then... as i say... i could do nothing right (where the bmom was concerned) from that point on. our friendship morphed immediately. i understood, but it made me feel like a villian and ashamed for assuming any type of mother role with the baby; she got so threatened about that, and again, i understand, but i understand my feelings as well. ultra unfortunate. things got messy and then the attorneys started in with all their "advice". stupidly, we fell for it. they told us things like "you really need to make sure she gets a lawyer before you sign papers. it's VERY IMPORTANT because it will make it certain that she understood what was going on and also, we feel she is risky for a lawsuit, so it will help legally in the future." and then of course, when we were out of the picture and the attorneys took consent from her for their AGENCY they didn't get her a lawyer at all. i guess it wasn't that "risky" for the big, fat agency fee couple. go figure. oops. i'm ranting. all i meant to say was, we were in deep too, stacy. not so much with the financial aspects, but certainly, we were attached to the situation in a BIG way. and WE ended up saying no because after everything we've all been through in the last year, my husband just didn't want 18 more years of it. we were battle-worn, exasperated, etc. i know i'm not getting a lot of responses on our situation because i'll bet most people are like, "you're stupid. you let your baby girl go because of your personal problems with her mom. what do you want? violins? fer cryin out loud!" i'm not sure i can argue. all i can claim is temporary insanity on both of our parts. it was a crisis period in and of itself, we hadn't anticipated many of the events that took place, and we had like five seconds to decide the next 18 years in the midst of all that. i see what everyone else goes through to adopt a baby... financial ruin, years of waiting, years of not being finalized, etc. and here we were not even looking and this opportunity came our way... AND THEN WE SAID NO! ugh. i'm sorry. i know what my story sounds like, but i really am devastated. feel like i can't make it through each day. yes, i have other children. no, i wasn't even looking for this situation. no, we didn't lose much financially speaking... but my heart was building a home for this child, and that's a serious thing. i have a two-year-old girl who i almost died to have (i have a rare pregnancy-related disease), and everytime i look at her i now see the other one, the little girl who was almost ember, the daughter who was almost mine...

[Linny]

Of course you feel devestated! You basically just went through a pregnancy and lost a baby! I can't fault you for your emotions at all.......because I'm sure I'd feel the same way. (Which is why we won't deal with matches........I'm just the type that would get far too involved.)

At any rate, don't scold yourself.........I can fully understand someone having enough of enough! Things sounded far too 'on again, off again' to be able to find the 'original plan in the first place', it sounds like. Who could blame you? I certainly would have been having second thoughts to a birthmother who was acting so 'flipped-flopped'. We surely wouldn't have wanted to deal with any birthmother who wanted to have visits knowing that this supposed 'of questioned character' birthfather was out there......who could imagine what kind of future problems might have been involved.

Let's imagine this though....let's suppose that having the continued visits as first discussed would have taken place. Let's suppose that this kind of eratic behavior continued, and you had to have dealt with this for 18yrs!?!?!?! Not something I would have found too favorable, let me tell you.

I know it hurts; and I know this might not be too consoling.....but I honestly think you and your dh did the right thing. A philosophy around here is that 'when things become too confused and obstructed from the original plan'.........then quite likely the 'plan' wasn't to happen in the first place. This might have been what was to happen anyway.

We, too, have been through some horrendous things over the past year. As the pervious poster stated, it goes in baby steps. One day can go better than the next, and finally a progression develops to help you heal. This will happen for you; and the hope of another baby may very well come too. Give it time. Be good to yourselves. You deserve it. Realize that not all adoption situaitons go like this; and adoption can be good....though you will need time to heal. ((hugs))

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[almostember]

thanks so much for your encouraging response, linny. i tell you, we weren't looking for adoption and after this situation, i don't think we'll be looking ever again. i have already been so distracted for a year that i have missed a lot of time with my bdaughter who is two. these are precious moments that have been spent dealing with a year's worth of my friend's crisis pregnancy. and i figure i'm going to be distracted for at least 6 months to a year just trying to deal with everything that has recently happened. when i had my daughter i thought all the grief of losing children was over, and that we would go on to live beautiful lives... and that was so until my friend got pregnant and i got so terribly involved. i wanted to help and i should have helped... but i should have kept my distance, not gotten so personally involved. i feel like an idiot in every way now. and now i feel mentally ill to boot. i just want my life back if not for my sake then for my children who DO need their mommy. i start counseling on the 12th. i'm taking steps, but it seems like a 1 step forward 10 steps back type of thing. i think this is what it's like to lose your mind. a month ago i had it all together, now look at me... a blubbering amoebic puddle on the ground. i am so angry at myself for getting involved, for being so confused about God's plan, for this strange disconnect i feel with my bchildren now, and for not being able to let go and move on.

[memoree]

I'm sorry, I know how this feels oh so well. We've recently went thru this too. Talked almost every single day for about 2 months for hours at a time. The BF wouldn't sign (in the end he signed and she hasn't) We went thru a huge heart wrenching painful ordeal. She contacted us again saying she's thinking of adoption again so we're getting excited again because she may go thru with this. Then she just disappears on us this past week so we get to relive those emotions from 3 weeks ago all over again. A real nightmare. I really don't think I'll hear from her again. It's been a VERY PAINFUL experience and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone!

Monetary, we were out a little over $1500 for an Attorney we hired in her state bit nothing compares to our hearts that have been broken.
We started decorating our nursery too but all has ceased, I can't even go in that room anymore. I don't even have the desire to search for another child. I feel so lost....

[almostember]

thanks for the post, memoree. you know, we felt there came a time when we just had to say enough is enough. but then look... the baby WAS adopted... by SOMEONE ELSE! so it's a tough call. if you hang in there, endure the mistreatment and then get duped, you'll feel dumb. if you decide enough is enough, draw the line, and then lose the baby when you might have had her, you'll feel dumb. it's a catch 22. of course if everything ultimately works out you'll think, "gee, what troopers we were!" you just never know how these things are going to work out. i guess it all comes down to knowing what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. we wanted peace, and we were willing to lose a beautiful baby girl to get it. i don't feel very peaceful about that now, but hopefully i'll get over the grieving one day and be able to say, i'm ultimately glad we said enough is enough two seconds before the finish line. some people want a child and they are willing to do ANYTHING to make that happen. i think when you can't be certain about how it all will turn out, you can at least be certain about your limits, what you're willing to go through and not go through and then i suppose you have to be responsible enough to accept the consequences. i don't feel very responsible right now. we set those parameters, but now i'm just heartbroken and sick over it. i'm glad the other family got to adopt their dream-child, but i admit to feeling a little hacked off about how easy it is and will be for them being that they don't have the relationship with the mom... ugh. it is what it is.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by almostember

we wanted peace, and we were willing to lose a beautiful baby girl to get it. i don't feel very peaceful about that now, but hopefully i'll get over the grieving one day and be able to say, i'm ultimately glad we said enough is enough two seconds before the finish line. some people want a child and they are willing to do ANYTHING to make that happen. i think when you can't be certain about how it all will turn out, you can at least be certain about your limits, what you're willing to go through and not go through .

We are four years into it and still no peace. I pray for resolution which never comes. Had you gone the other route as we did - and it was 4 years later like it is for us - you would also question your decision. I agree that no matter what decision you make there is regret and wonder and grief and pain. Trust me - even if you had decided otherwise you would question that judgment.

Peace is a commodity which can not be measured but can be treasured. You, your family, and any future adopted children all deserve a life of peace and stability. Had we not gone through what we have been through we would have already adopted another child - but we can not as long as there is a lack of stability. Children deserve to grow up in a loving home, absent severe strife. May God bless you with another child if that is your desire. For what it's worth, you did the right thing.

[almostember]

thanks so much for your reply, christie. i'm sorry that you're having such a tough time with it. i pray the peace will come to your family and to mine. i will consider your words in earnest. thank you again.