[louisianalady]

I'm new here. My husband and I are considering switching to domestic adoption. We have been in the process of adopting from Russia for quite a while, but new and seemingly neverending delays in the process of Russian adoption have made us thinking about starting all over here.

The reason I hesitated on domestic adoption in the first place is the exact reason for the existence of this forum - failed matches and contested adoptions! I just don't know if I can handle this sort of heartbreak. Before we decide what steps to take next, I want to understand the possibilities.

I have been researching agencies, and the one we are considering using does not allow the adoptive parents to take custody of the child until after the birthparents have signed the necessary consents. (So, there will be no meeting at the hospital, etc. They use temporary foster care in the meantime.) The agency says the emotional risk of a failed match is just too high.

If you combine this policy with a law that the consents, once executed, are irrevocable (which I understand is only the law in some states), what is the risk???

Is there a way that the birthparents can "change their minds" or "take the child" even after they have signed irrevocable consents?

Thanks for helping!

[BlueAngelAu]

Once the parental rights are completly and rightfully terminated (ie. the correct birth father, no duress, no lies), as far as I know, most places except NY (which I've heard has no tottality in such, ever.) no, there is no way the bmom or bdad can take the baby back. It depends on criteria, state to state, country to country, but if the rights are tottally severed rightfully, there is no way they can get the baby back as far as I know.

[mom2samuel]

I think the agency you are considering is very wise. Having 2 failed adoptions in 6 weeks, and having bonded with both babies, I am concerned about the system as it is. You get attached and begin to bond, then wham, bmom has a change of heart. I also believe that if all rights are terminated according to that state's guidelines, it is difficult for them to come back and try to take back the child. Think carefully and goodluck.

mom2samuel

[Linny]

I agree with both posters before me. This is the reason we have only accepted babies that have already been born. The newest one we ever brought home, was the day after she was born. In our state, the birthmother has three days in which to change her mind. I thought THIS would be easy......by the second day, I was panicked.
In the end, she went through with her adoption plan.....but it's not something we'd want to repeat because we just can't stand the heartache (BTDT).

There are agencies (as you have found) that will only notifiy the adoptive couple once the relinquishments are signed. As long as everything is done legally and ethically, there is no 'changing of the mind'. Just be sure you are working with an ethical agency and attorney.

My best to you....

Sincerely,

Linny

[almostember]

we were warned by our attorney's office not to take the baby home from the hospital and "babysit" until the papers were signed. instead, they suggested the baby go to private foster care for the remainder of the time it was going to take for the bdad's 30 days to be up (for contesting purposes - we're in florida). we all balked. we were merely going to babysit for our friend, and if she decided to take the baby home to her home state, (or if "baby daddy" contested) so be it. not the dream ending per se, but not a bad ending. instead it ended up that WE forfieted the chance to adopt the baby (too close to bmom, tons of afterbirth drama, etc.) and another family ended up getting her. now every second we shared with the baby haunts us. what was so beautiful then is UBER painful now. if we ever did this again, which i can't say we ever will, we would certainly NOT have the baby in our home until AFTER consents were signed. this is very wise. you get too close when the children come to the home and you're doing umbilical cord care, waking up all night for feedings, assuming the role of mommy... and then losing the child. better that your daily family life never change its dynamic, especially with younger kids in the house. my two-year-old is STILL asking where the baby is...

[LegalEagleMom]

Anytime that you do a domestic adoption it seems that there are certain risks and fears in the back of our minds. I kept telling myself that the end result was so worth it. Our daughter is almost 3 and I thank god everyday for giving me the strengh to get through it.

[ChristieS]

I highly recommend not taking a child home until TPR is completed on both birth parents. Further, at least here, minor birth mothers have rights that exceed those of a birth mother over 19. Personally I would not adopt from a minor birth mother nor would I take the child home until all the papers have been signed and the first mandatory time limit is up - it is too hard bonding with a child and then losing them or having to fight for years and years to keep your child. It is draining and painful.

Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Christie S.

I. Further, at least here, minor birth mothers have rights that exceed those of a birth mother over 19. .

What sort of rights are these?

[ChristieS]

The Ala Code states that the legal adult age is 19 for contractual purposes. The code also states that minors 14 and up may sign a consent for adoption. I was told by the judge that a minor can not have a TPR for abandonment (although not all judges share this view - many do) and that they can claim duress based on their age, which gives them an extra 12 months to file for reversal. Further, when a minor contests (according to this judge) - no matter how long it has been - if the adoption has not been finalized then any contest is accepted. Afterward, when an adoption is "finalized" - they have another year. Now, the Ala code supports this if the judge chooses to interpret it as such.

For example, in my case the birthmom signed a consent 14 months after the birth (we took my son home from the hospital). Then 8 months later signed a withdrawal of consent. Then we signed an "Agreement" for visitation for which contractually she can not be held accountable, but we are. She then used this to turn immediately around and file fraud charges and a motion for rescisson of the adoption. Because she is a minor - or because the judge showed bias - or whatever reason - she was able keep the motion for rescission open indefinitely. That is the short complicated version of how our adoption remains pending even though it was "finalized" and my son is now four. So even though she has not utilized her visitation, and has never even asked how he is doing, she is able to bring us back into court at her will even now. Further, she used the visitation "Agreement" to file against us a second time - that one was finally heard in court and while we "won" the motion for dependency, the judge then turned around and signed and filed a fake court order stating in places the opposite of what actually transpired in the courtroom, opening up the door for further legal action against us.

I know this is a long and rather complicated answer to your question. Basically, it took the following: 1) a minor birth parent 2) a judge who is highly biased towards minors 3) she received free legal aid (5 - yes, five, free lawyers while she was in juvy) and 4) a code of law which allowed much of this.

I was one who always said "It can't happen to me." I was sure that sort of thing could never happen to us - it is too bizarre to imagine. But if it could happen here then it could happen in "anywhere, U.S.A". There are many people who have suffered through crazy things like this, which is why we have this forum.

This is also why I insist we need National Laws on adoption, with the first premise being what is in the best interest of the child. Even though we have a "finalized" adoption - we also have a legally tenuous adoption due to the numerous motions, and the motion which remains pending to rescind the adoption.

All because she was (and still is) a minor.

Please don't say "It can't happen to me." It can, and it does.

I hope this helps answer your question.