[unexpectedblessing]

My husband and I brought home our beautiful baby girl just under three weeks ago. She was born April 9. It is a private adoption with a family member of a friend of mine. She is still completely on board. The father was on board as well until after the birth, his family found out about the adoption and decided they want her. So they paid for him a lawyer and he has filed the paperwork to have a paternity test done so that he (his family) can have the child. This man is a deadbeat dad who has just recently began paying minimal child support for the two other children, ages 5 and 2, that he also has with our baby's mother. His own lawyer is trying to get him to just sign the papers and let the adoption go through. Our lawyer had told us that we have no legal means to fight for our daughter. If the paternity test comes back positive, he or a family member of his will automaticlly gain custody of our baby. Has anyone been through this or something like it? Is there any way for us to fight for our child? If the birthfather had changed his ways, cleaned up his act, and wanted to parent her himself, I would be no less heartbroken, but at least I would understand. But to take her from us, the parents she has bonded with, just to give her to some random member of his family??? It just seems so wrong. Any advice, please?!?!

[ChristieS]

I have heard this several times. Many times it is not the bfather but his parents or relatives. I don't know what to say except I am so, so, so sorry. I had a close friend go through the exact same thing. They managed to meet with the bfathers parents and were able to keep their daughter through an open adoption "Agreement" which was pretty stringent - and the bgrandparents lived out of country - but they still have a lot of regular visitation. The costs are enormous for them, but worth it for them. They met initially in a park here in the U.S. and spent all day together. In the end they agreed. I am praying for your entire family and the nightmare you are going through.

[unexpectedblessing]

Thank you Christie. We have send word to our baby's birthfather/his family through our lawyer that we were willing to have a very open arrangement with them just like we already have with the birthmother. We are still waiting on the birthfather's decision.

[b4truth]

i agree with the advice you were given, i just want to add that maybe you should meet with the father privately, papers in hand. get a feel for what he wants and why. i have found through past experience, if he is already a dead beat, he can be convinced to do the right thing. maybe a release of his rights "pops up" signed so his family can not be angry with him....

offer him a senario that makes him look like the hero, the good guy. i would feed his ego. tell him how beautfiul his little girl is, how thankful you are that he wanted her born...that kind of thing. it sounds to me like he is not too intelligent but does care about how he looks to others ie family. i would butter him up...he is the one with the rights.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by b4truth

i agree with the advice you were given, i just want to add that maybe you should meet with the father privately, papers in hand. get a feel for what he wants and why. i have found through past experience, if he is already a dead beat, he can be convinced to do the right thing. maybe a release of his rights "pops up" signed so his family can not be angry with him....

offer him a senario that makes him look like the hero, the good guy. i would feed his ego. tell him how beautfiul his little girl is, how thankful you are that he wanted her born...that kind of thing. it sounds to me like he is not too intelligent but does care about how he looks to others ie family. i would butter him up...he is the one with the rights.

I am so, so sorry for your situation and I hope that an offer of open adoption works out for you and this child.

I would be very careful of taking the approach above. It could well backfire on you and allienate the father's family. Also, I would not assume that this man is not too intelligent and only cares about how he looks to his family. And even "unintelligent" people can read feight praise and recognize "buttering" up. I caution you not to make assumptions and let your lawyer handle it.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma

[otelynx1]

I feel sorry for the pain that you must be going through, but I think the best thing for you and the baby would be for you to step away. If the father will not consent to the adoption, then there is nothing to do. This may be hard to hear, but the baby is not "yours" until the adoption is final and it may be that another member of the baby's family will raise this child. Nothing wrong with that.
I am an adoptive mom and believe that an adoption should only proceed if BOTH parents are in complete agreement. Anything less than that is coercion.
Carol

[Barton]

Originally Posted by unexpectedblessing

My husband and I brought home our beautiful baby girl just under three weeks ago. She was born April 9. It is a private adoption with a family member of a friend of mine. She is still completely on board. The father was on board as well until after the birth, his family found out about the adoption and decided they want her. So they paid for him a lawyer and he has filed the paperwork to have a paternity test done so that he (his family) can have the child. This man is a deadbeat dad who has just recently began paying minimal child support for the two other children, ages 5 and 2, that he also has with our baby's mother. His own lawyer is trying to get him to just sign the papers and let the adoption go through. Our lawyer had told us that we have no legal means to fight for our daughter. If the paternity test comes back positive, he or a family member of his will automaticlly gain custody of our baby. Has anyone been through this or something like it? Is there any way for us to fight for our child? If the birthfather had changed his ways, cleaned up his act, and wanted to parent her himself, I would be no less heartbroken, but at least I would understand. But to take her from us, the parents she has bonded with, just to give her to some random member of his family??? It just seems so wrong. Any advice, please?!?!

Did you not get the birth mother and birth father to sign a waiver relinquishing and terminating all rights to the child at the time you took custody????

[makhaze]

B4truth - OMG, I can't believe what you had the nerve to say! Butter him up? Make him look like the hero? You are sick and it is people like you who give adopters bad rap.

If there is natural family who want this baby, then there is no reason in the world why the baby should go to strangers.

[DCMomLady]

I'm the family member who adopted my niece's daughter because we all wished for her to stay in the family and not be raised by strangers who might not allow us to know and love her. We also adopted the bfather's parents and conferred on them the status they deserved to keep as grandparents to our little girl.

I hope you can find it in your heart to accept that a relative adoption may be the very best thing for the little girl in your care. And remember, the three weeks that she has spent with you is barely a blink of an eye in the life of that child. The bond you believe is there exists in your heart, not hers.

(I did not realize that this thread is several months old. I sincerely hope that this situation was resolved in the best interests of the child.)

[BrianG]

Feed A birth fathers ego to get papers signed? I am a bfather trying to get to see my kids 3 and 4. 4 Months ago the bmother and her exhusband cut off all contact, I was sending support. Now I get served with adoption papers.

"Feed The Bfathers Ego" Just another example of deception

[BrianG]

Well stated makhaze

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by b4truth

offer him a senario that makes him look like the hero, the good guy. i would feed his ego. tell him how beautfiul his little girl is, how thankful you are that he wanted her born...that kind of thing. it sounds to me like he is not too intelligent but does care about how he looks to others ie family. i would butter him up...he is the one with the rights.

Yikes! Whatever happened to "being 4 the truth"? How would you explain this to a child? "Your father really wanted you in his family, but we talked him out of it." This really is the height of arrogance. And to then question his intelligence on so little information? UGH!

[justlittleolme]

Originally Posted by otelynx1

I feel sorry for the pain that you must be going through, but I think the best thing for you and the baby would be for you to step away. If the father will not consent to the adoption, then there is nothing to do. This may be hard to hear, but the baby is not "yours" until the adoption is final and it may be that another member of the baby's family will raise this child. Nothing wrong with that.
I am an adoptive mom and believe that an adoption should only proceed if BOTH parents are in complete agreement. Anything less than that is coercion.
Carol

EXACTLY! VERY WELL SAID!

[MamaS]

Why is "anything else" coercion? What about "the best interests of the child"? My three year-old grandson's birthfather has been in jail more often than out during the child's life. He has NEVER paid a cent of support and visits sporadically (usually when he wants to "borrow" some money). He is resisting the adoption (from jail again) because he wants his 20-year-old sister to raise the child. The sister already has two children (ages 5 and 2) and her husband is a drug dealer. Bfather thinks he will get drugs free from his b-i-l if he gives him the child. "Blood" is just a wet red fluid -- it takes care and committment to be a parent.

[BrianG]

That statement is pure ignorance, you are saying that to the many cildren who may need that so called wet red liquid for medical reasons. second, I am a birth father that up untill 4 months ago was sending volunteer support every month and going to the US to visit my babies. My ex remarried her husband and cutme off from my kids and filed adption papers. I am educated, never been to prison, dont drink or do drugs. But I cant be there everyday so I shouldlet some other guywho has been suicidal adopt me babies? All I can say is THINK BEFORE YOU TYPE!!

Originally Posted by MamaS

Why is "anything else" coercion? What about "the best interests of the child"? My three year-old grandson's birthfather has been in jail more often than out during the child's life. He has NEVER paid a cent of support and visits sporadically (usually when he wants to "borrow" some money). He is resisting the adoption (from jail again) because he wants his 20-year-old sister to raise the child. The sister already has two children (ages 5 and 2) and her husband is a drug dealer. Bfather thinks he will get drugs free from his b-i-l if he gives him the child. "Blood" is just a wet red fluid -- it takes care and committment to be a parent.