[evildishrag]

I am answering to the facts that have been presented by the original poster. I don't recall seeing anything about RAD.

Please people, try to stay on track.

[Lorraine123]

Its very apparent these children have RAD. All the parents here who live with RAd children saw it right away.

[willowhawk]

I knew that there would many mixed reviews regarding this terribly sad situation. But, I think the nail was hit on the head when RAD was mentioned. I, too, sat in judgement of this Mom at first, then realized that I am not walking in her shoes. I, at one point had to have one of my adopted kids (not a sibling of these) removed from the house as he was a danger to the entire family as well as family pets. The difference was, is that I did not abandon him. I stuck by him and saw to it that he received the help he was crying out for. He is now 19 and home on leave from the Army and doing remarkably well. I know many will say poor parenting when they hear that my kids are doing fantastic. But, I won't get into the long story of how my road has been as a single parent with these children. All I know is that the damage was done to these children at an early age and it just goes to show that you can put a child in a beautiful home, give them all the material things they need, as well as vacations, music lessons, art lessons, etc. and it doesn't make any difference. If there is RAD....none of it makes any difference. Needless to say as a conclusion, I am thinking of how I can help these children. I will do all in my power to see that we don't lose contact with them.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Answered...

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

So far, I upped my life insurance, found guardians for most of my kids and am working on self defense courses.

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

If you have the answers, I'd love to hear them.

Oh my. Why must people personalize everything. lucyjoy, your above comment implies that you haven't yet disposed of your other children, unlike the person this is based on.

[ingodshands]

Sorry Lucy you had replied before I finished posting. I understand that it must be terrifying to live with a child/adult that is threatening yours or your children's lives, then of course, there is no excuse for this behaviour, wrong is wrong, whether bio child, fostered or adopted.

And that child/adult needs to learn that they cannot behave like that WHATEVER.

Collette

[angelkisses0102]

RAD IS on track...I'd bet my life on it.

Karen

[Lorraine123]

And that child/adult needs to learn that they cannot behave like that WHATEVER.

You don't understand - a RAD child can't learn. They don't have cause and effect thinking. You can be the greatest parent in the world, but if they can't learn, you can't teach them. All you can do is protect yourself and your family.

Please don't compare this situation to parenting a "normal" child. There is no comparison.

A RAD child will drive you to do things you never thought you would do. They play mind games with you and take away your ability to think sanely.

Please quit judging this mother and respect her for finding help.

[lucyjoy]

And the other women's daughter tried to ruin a mans life over an adult boyfriend. And the state gave these children power to lie by removing the father and leaving a mom alone to parent 4 very difficult kids who now had the power to threaten her if they didn't like her decisions.

I don't see a horrible mother. I see a mom who got pushed passed her limit and received zero support from the system or the people around her. And as a parent of tough kids, I know without a doubt that what you see on the surface is not anywhere near what lies underneath.

Parents are often discouraged from seeking help or are told that what they see is "normal" or told it's a family problem and to work it out. The youth pastor at church said he couldn't understand why I have problems with my son because he was fine with him. I seldom tell anyone around me what it's like to live with a person that holds so much anger because more often then not, the blame lands back on me.

My first questions are who helped this mom in the midst of this crisis? What could have been done sooner to salvage this family? I talk to families with difficult kids all the time and lack of support is the biggest reason for disruption. They get to a point where self preservation comes before everything else.

So, anytime a parent is condemned without all the facts, those of us that live this way are going to speak up.

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by FH-Lorraine123

You don't understand - a RAD child can't learn. They don't have cause and effect thinking. You can be the greatest parent in the world, but if they can't learn, you can't teach them. All you can do is protect yourself and your family.

OK, so it just so happens that the 3 children who went to one family were AOK, but the 4 children who went to the other family were RAD? Coincidence?

Why doesn't parenting play any part? Poor parenting (the woman who chucked her 4 kids) yields poor results. Good parenting (willow...) yields positive results.

BOTTOM LINE..... These people have abandoned and given up on their FOUR adolescent children. That is NOT OK.

[lucyjoy]

My highly disturbed child has a twin and another brother here. I cannot explain why 2 of the kids are now healthy, happy, and well adjusted and this one wants to kill people. They have 3 siblings elsewhere. Two spent their entire childhood in foster care and are suprisingly well adjusted adults. The third was in a great adoptive family and is now a drug addict living on the streets. He abused his adoptive mother as well. Some people respond to treatment, others do not.

[angelkisses0102]

Please google RAD...spend about 10 minutes reading and then come back...ignorance is an excuse for a short time...choosing to be uneducated is another.

This is a typical response most RAD parents get. We, the mother figure (and that is all we are to them...we are not mom), take the brunt of the behavior. My DH rarely sees my sons behaviors...and FINALLY TODAY he understands...2 years later.

Yes, one child can be effected, 2 could be effected, all or none can be effected. Often a child or particular children are targeted by the abusers...also, personality takes a role in this, IMHO.

Please, don't be like the vast majority of society that likes to blame us...we didn't do this to our children...but we are charged with TRYing to help heal them. Do you know how hard it is to heal a child who doesn't want to be healed??
Karen

[ingodshands]

Originally Posted by FH-Lorraine123

You don't understand - a RAD child can't learn. They don't have cause and effect thinking. You can be the greatest parent in the world, but if they can't learn, you can't teach them. All you can do is protect yourself and your family.

Please don't compare this situation to parenting a "normal" child. There is no comparison.

A RAD child will drive you to do things you never thought you would do. They play mind games with you and take away your ability to think sanely.

Please quit judging this mother and respect her for finding help.

I find it hard to believe (and I certainly am not suggesting that you are lying, i'm trying to learn here) that a child cannot learn, even if it takes a long time and the right treatment to do so. That is like saying they are doomed forever to be that way. Every single person in this world has the ability to learn and change their behaviour given the right treatment, and the right care and encouragement.

I am not judging that particular Mother, I am speaking in general, that if a person/s decide to adopt, then it should be a lifelong committment, if there are problems, they should be worked at, even if it means temporary care in an institution, but they should still be there for that child, that is what they committed to do.

Collette

[Lorraine123]

I find it hard to believe (and I certainly am not suggesting that you are lying, i'm trying to learn here) that a child cannot learn, even if it takes a long time and the right treatment to do so. That is like saying they are doomed forever to be that way. Every single person in this world has the ability to learn and change their behaviour given the right treatment, and the right care and encouragement.

If a child's brain formation wasn't done correctly the first 2 years of life (when cause and effect and conscience are formed) it can't be formed later. Well, some progress can be made with intense therapy, but there comes a point where your brain stops growing and forming and what you have is it.

I mean, if you have brain surgery and the part of your brain that regulates cause and effect thinking was removed, we would not expect you to have cause and effect thinking. Same with these kids. That part of their brain never developed, so they don't have it.

My daughter will likely never heal from her RAD. She will likely never fully understand cause and effect. She will never feel positive emotions. You are trying to compare these children to "normal" children who want to please, who love others, who feel empathy. These children don't want to heal. Healing hurts them. And they have learned that adults can't be trusted, so they surely won't believe us when we say that if they participate in the healing, their lives will be better.

I hope I explained that correctly.

[crick]

okay folks...just a reminder to post respectfully in this heated dialogue. Perfectly fine to have a heated discussion, but posts need to be respectful. Let's leave the digs out...

Thanks!
Crick