[MissLori]

I am devastated. We matched with a bmom who we love and spent a lot of time bonding with her. She planned to place the baby girl for the entire pregnancy, never once did she plan to keep her. She is a recovering addict and the bfather is a dealer so she was going to let the agency deal with him - she wanted no contact because she felt it would "harm her recovery". Well, the agency tripped over themselves and didn't contact him, with the baby due less than a week away, and they started talking about the baby going into foster care temporarily until the issue with bfather was resolved. Bmom got concerned when she heard the stuff about foster care and so she called him herself. Long story short, he tried talking her into parenting, she called me and told me not to worry, she's not parenting but please pray for her because she has to tell him she's not parenting and she was afraid he would wear her down. Fast forward two days and a few frantic phone calls with no answer or return from bmom, and she calls the agency when she knows no one is there, leaves a voice message that she is parenting. Now for two days she has not returned the agency's calls and we don't know if she has made the decision that is right for her or if he's controlling it, and we don't know if the baby is even born yet or what. I know nothing is guaranteed in adoption until the end but I felt so good that this was right and now I am so heartbroken. Ugg. I feel like giving up, but I know I can't because the "right" baby is out there and needs us. But I felt this was the right baby and how will I ever get excited for another one? This just SUCKS. I feel like dying. I can't imagine ever being happy again. I am having a huge pity party huh?

I am so worried about R. I called the agency today (can you believe no one has called us since giving us the bad news two days ago?) because I knew they were trying to make contact with her to provide support and help with a parenting plan. She has not returned their calls. I struggled today with what to do, and prayed so hard, and finally I decided (with hubby) to leave her a voice message. I basically said - we have no hard feelings at all, we love her and her wellbeing is very important to us, we would love to hear from her that she is safe and happy and if she chooses to call me back there will be absolutely no pressure or even discussion about placing the baby. I feel so connected to her and I care about her so much. If this is all we have, one voicemail to the agency, and no further contact, not even to find out if she is okay, I don't know what I'll do. She told me he carries a gun on him at all times. He lives a very dangerous lifestyle and she is my sweet R - I want so much for her. Does someone ever get over something like this? Not only did we lose a baby but we lost a person we were very much looking forward to enjoying a life-long relationship with.

[jheald]

It's tough but you do eventually move on. I had a fail after several months of contact with the pbmom and even took the trip to her city when the baby was due. If she could have signed the paperwork before leaving the hospital she would have. But that state makes them wait 72 hours and by then her heart won over the logic. I cared for that little boy from the time they were both released from the hospital until I was to return him to the agency. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I still think about them and wonder what he's like. I just decided to keep things going full speed in the search for another one and we received our sweet little guy four months later. This one we waited until the terminations were signed and we've never had any contact with the bmom.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you because this is hard. You've done all you can with R. It's in her court. Just let the agency know your plans regarding moving forward. You can still keep looking knowing that things could change with this one.

Janet

[Jmuckey]

Just wanted to let you and your husband know that you are not alone out there. We had a failed match in July 05 and it was a similar situation. We met birthmom and she wanted the adoption plan more than anything. The birthfather had not been supportive or "around" during the entire pregnancy. He had supposely agreed to sign relinquishments, but within a week of the birth, he filed paternity with our state and hired a laywer to gain full custody. We were out of the picture as soon as this started. There are alot of times you second guess not only yourself, but the agency/caseworkers that were involved. We still feel some anger towards all of this. We tell people, you don't ever get over it, YOU JUST GET USED TO IT. I don't think that some understand that a failed adoption match is the same as loosing a baby 8-9 months pregnant. There is grief everywhere you look at it. Since then, we have opened our network and have been telling everyone about our adoption plans. This can backfire as well, as we have had two "potential" matches. One scenario had such high legal risks that we had to turn it down-they did come to our agency...and the other-which I just found out the news Friday...the birthmom is going to parent, and the whole adoption plan wasn't really her agenda, just the agenda of freinds, family. So you get caught in it either way. Sometimes you just don't know if people really understand the paid we are all going through. PM me if you would like. Jen

[Jmuckey]

Fortunately, we have not had to pay anything financial to birth familes. Our agency does not require any adoption fees and all expenses that the birth parents would have, the agency picks up. I think it's the only agency in the nation that does this. They are wonderful and very protective..however the wait is longer. Our two "informal" matches from friends, well, we never met parties involved but I know that I would have done whatever it took. It seems like every day there is a new "layer" of anger that arises and we are just waiting for spring to arrive. The third failed match (informal) that we have the parents and friends involved are going to attempt to council the birth parents...however with all of our training we have been through it doesn't seem right until they have made that decision voluntarily. One thing we have not had much support in from caseworkers, agency, etc. is just this. Failed placements aren't brought up or discussed much if at all in support meetings, etc. In fact I don't know anyone who has experienced what my husband and I have in the last year...thanks for everyone hear.

p.s. I'm putting this "smiles" on because sometimes that's what all of this feels like!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Maggie123

They told us that 1 in 10 birthmoms change their mind before placement.

Maggie,
I don't know what agency you are going through, but they are either lying through their teeth or engaging in coersive practices to get parents to place their babies. The average is more like half. No one really keeps these statistics, but from what I have seen in working with agencies across the country, that's my educated guess. The agencies I do know with higher placement rates usually use some pretty unethical practices to get it that high. Additiuonally, most ethical agencies do not match at 4 weeks. I find that highly suspect... especially with an expectant mom who is saying she wants to place because she "felt sorry for infertile couples."

Originally Posted by Maggie123

I hate to bring this up, but in addition to the emotional loss involved with failed matches also comes the financial loss. I think that's where the anger comes in on my part. Last year, we spent thousands and thousands of dollars on B'mom expenses, including rent, Wal-Mart, car repairs, etc. This was all through our agency.

Care repairs????? I find this a highly suspect expense. At any rate, this is one of the reasons I do not encourage prospective adoptive parents to get into the practice of providing expenses (just one of the many reasons). It is too emotionally loaded and people end up feeling used. Additionally I know a lot of birthmoms who placed because the felt obligated to the adoptive parents for "having done so much for them." I encourage them to find other means of support. After all, if they end up parenting the prospective adoptive parents will not be around to foot the bill.

[Leonol]

I am so glad I found all of you. It is nice to hear that others are going through similar situations. Our story begins in Sept. 2005 when a co-worker sets us up to meet her pregant 21 year old cousin who is due in December. I should have ran when she said "Don't get your hopes up nothing ever works out with this side of my family." I didn't, we met, we "clicked" and we thought we were going to be parents. Bdad was also suppose to show at the meeting but didn't. Bdad called a couple weeks later and wanted to meet us. We also "clicked" and everything seemed to be perfect. Too Perfect. During this time we find out the the RH factor is a threat to the baby so they are monitoring closely. Mom has also used drugs (Meth) in the past but at these meetings swears she hasn't done anything other than smoking that could harm the baby. Before Thanksgiving we find out through the agency we are working with the bmom is in a treatment center as she turned herself in after using Meth - not good but we can live with a one time mistake. I really wish this was the problem. Baby Boy is born Dec 9th. We go to the hospital December 11th to see the baby who is 3 weeks premature. We hold him for 2 hours, she brings us gifts and than we are told the bmom and her family want one last evening with baby before she leaves the hospital. We would give her anything at this time. The next day we get a call from the agency SWer that we all need to meet. Should have been a red flag but I hoped it was just discharge planning. Swer turns out met with bmom first and than had to come to tell us that bdad showed up and they have decided to do joint custody and share the baby. We leave the hospital broken hearted and not a clue what to do next. In the last 4 weeks we have called to see how the baby is doing as he is living with bmom's grandma while she is in the treatment center. bdad visited once in the last 4 weeks. He has talked to bmom and wanted to visit her although he has a new girl friend who is pregant (not his baby?). We have moved on although continue to pray that both of these bio parents come to their senses. bdad also has a drug problem and a felony theft conviction. Fast Forward to Jan. 4, I get a call from bmom's mom and best friend telling me that Jamie wants to fight bdad and still wants us to adopt the baby. Wow - We are thrill are dream isn't dead - or is it. Our agency gets involved again trying to figure out what is going on as there is a court date soon brought on by child protection to determine custody. bmom agree to sign releases to allow agency SWer to get info from c.p. than refuses to sign releases and when you call the treatment center either they hang up on you or the line is busy. We plan to attend the court hearing if we can find out when it is. That is where I sit tonight, not knowing, wondering and praying!

If anyone has any helpful advice I should be be greatful.

[Leonol]

Hey Just an update for anyone who has read my previous post. Bmom is back on the fence not sure what she wants. She was sent home from the treatment center to live with her grandma who has custody of the baby as long as she stays out of trouble. Bdad who we were told was going to come "to fight" did not. He had no lawyer and found out he has to pay for one. He was awarded supervised visition but has to pay for that as well. We don't know where we stand, bmom has 4 months of her "commitment" left and can't make any decisions until after that.

[KKinCA]

MissLori,

I am so very sorry for your loss, and the frustration and pain you've gone through. It is especially difficult, I imagine, to be so cut off, and unable to have resolution on knowing where she is..what's happening...is she safe. My husband and I went through 2 failures this past year. In the first, we had the baby for three weeks while the prospective b'mom went through a tough time, delayed in signing her relinquishment, and then decided she wanted to parent. In the second situation, we were at the hospital for the birth, had the baby in our arms that evening, only to have the prospective b'mom decide to parent the next day. It has been a devastating year for us. We were glad when the calendar turned to 2006. Since these heartaches, we still have hope, but we feel so cynical. Like Maggie said...not only have we had the emotional issues to deal with, but we're also resentful at all the money we've spent along the way. Add in our three failed IVF attempts, and we're now nearing $80,000 in total...and we feel no closer to a baby than we were five years ago, when we started trying. We've had a few situations in the past few weeks where we could have had a baby within a week, but in both situations, there were things that made us very uncomfortable. Both potential birthmothers were so focused on the money that they wanted, both were over 40, and both had not one prenatal doctor appointment. I've tried so very hard not to judge...but at some point you just have to trust your instincts about what is right for you. Both babies were born healthy and placed with other couples...but we still feel good about our decision. We're all in such a vulnerable spot. It gets hard to balance the feelings of desperation with the feelings of distrust, once you've gone through a few failures. All the best to you, Lori, as you proceed on your journey. I wish you healing and resolution. These can take a while...but hopefully they will come to you soon. I'll send extra thoughts your way as you find your way through this difficult time.

Karin

[jheald]

Leonol,

What a rough time this situation has put you through! Will your agency continue to work with you on other options while still pursuing this one or would you have to wait the four months to see what happens? So sad for that baby because through your words one can tell he would have a much more solid family with you.

Janet

[Leonol]

Thank you for your thoughts. We are back in "the book" with our agency and they have been good to us considering the circumstances. Through this I have come to believe things happen for a reason and God has a plan and knows what he is doing. I got a call from my cousin tonight stating that her sister just lost a baby today. It was a tubal pregnancy and she has only a 30% chance of getting pregnant again. I am thinking I would love those odd but to her at this moment these are not good odds. She asked me to call her tomorrow as I have had a similar loss. I will do that as I know how much comfort family and friends brought to me during our struggle. I have to admit the selfish part of me is glad that there is one less pregant women in my family I have to deal with. Currently there are 3! I know that is awful to say but I am sure some one you can relate. I do feel awful about it and of course will not voice my selfish, evil thoughts. She needs my support and I will give it to her.

Thanks for reading!
Noel

[manni28]

"Through this I have come to believe things happen for a reason and God has a plan and knows what he is doing"



Ladies,

I was reading your stories and I want you to know you have my sympathies. My grandma has always told me this
” be anxious for nothing-in time yours blessings will come"


You all are in my prayers