[amissingpiece]

Here's our story:

After being matched with a pbmom for about 6 weeks and speaking on the phone with her 2-3 times per week, the baby was born and pbmom did not contact either myself and dh or our adoption coordinator. (The baby was born several weeks early) I found out that the baby had been born after I called pbmom at work and they said: "Oh, she's not here, she's having her baby!". (This was 2 days after the baby was born.) She refused in the hospital to take calls from us or adoption coordinator. As we are all aware, bio-parents decision to adopt is a "risk". We accept that her decision is her right. However, I guess I just feel betrayed because she has still not contacted me (not that she's obligated to) and I feel that she and I had become friends. Dh and I truly do want the best for her and baby boy (even though we know he will literally be raised in utter poverty). Yesterday we sent her a card saying Congratulations and Best wishes.

I guess the moral of the story is: You just never know. I would have told you that we had the best situation that anyone could hope for. Apparently even as pbmom was telling me and dh, "I know that this is the right decision", she had already decided to keep the baby (but failed to relay that to us). Looking back, this change of heart probably occured about 2 weeks prior to his delivery. Dh and I had tried to give her some "space" because she had SOOOOO much going on in her life...

You can't help but torture yourself: Was it something we said or did? Did she not like our photos? Does God think that we should NOT be parents??? This broken-hearted feeling is so similar to the feelings we experienced after each of our miscarriages.

Now we're back playing the waiting game again... and we have closet full (seriously FULL) of baby boy clothes...not that I'm complaining...I had so much fun buying them, and I'm not taking them back. I've focused my efforts on buying pink, girlie things now. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I figure chances are, now that we have everything for a boy our next match will be a girl. (we want at least one of each, anyway)

I'm interested in knowing what others have done to "step back and re-group" after a failed adoption. Sometimes I'm okay and know that a child is out there for us, but other times I literally feel that I can't breathe.

Did I mention that this really sucks?!?!?

[stone]

I am so sorry for you and your husband.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you.I just pray God gives you the strength to get back up and move on.You will one day have the children he desires for you to have.I know these words may not help now with the pain you are feeling,but someday the words may bring you comfort........I AM SO SORRY!

[AMom2Two]

(((Amissingpiece))))

I'm so sorry you are going thru this pain. I know how you feel about feeling betrayal by the pbmom. I was in the same shoes as you last year. We developed a close relationship with the bmom, bfather and the grandma. When the little boy was born, we talked from the hospital as I was giving her time alone with him. She kept telling me she is sure of this, even after she held him and feed him for 3 days. Little did I know that she was pleading with her mother and everyone else to let her keep the baby while telling me, I know this is the best.

I think the betrayal is what really hurts the most. Why lie? Why not say, look I'm having second doubts. I don't want to do this but am being pushed into it. Or I don't know if I can do this. Why not be honest? The only thing that comes to my mind is they want to know that someone is there waiting, just in case they do want/have to place. That is cruel situation to put the aparents in but no one is really thinking of us then and many people will say, they shouldn't think of us. Maybe I agree with that, but is it wrong with acknowledging that you have caused pain to someone? Is it so hard to say, "I'm sorry I put you thru this". My gosh those words can go a long way to healing a broken heart. When they don't acknowledge you, it makes it much harder to deal with.

My second failed placement ended with the pbmom telling our social worker that she doesn't give a crap about me. She could care less about helping me heal, giving me an answer, some peace, even a small "I'm sorry". After being matched for 3 months, meeting everyone, buying things for her and the baby and the grandma and the bfather. I felt like a fool that was lied to and I was so very hurt. We're supposed to be considerate to them but they don't have to be considerate to us. The whole thing just made me sick.

I honestly can say that the only thing that took away the pain of that last failed placement was receiving another baby. With my first failed placement, the pbmom got on the phone with me while she was at the hospital and told me she was going to raise him. I was fine with that. She was so considerate to me and kept saying she was sorry. Healing from that failed placement was easier then the second one, simply because the pbmom acknowledged my pain. When they slap you in the face, won't talk to you and don't give a darn about you, then it's hard to feel good about it. When you 've been used and lied to, the pain takes a very long time to go away.

I hope that your pain doesn't last long and that another situation arises soon. If you ever want to talk privately, just pm me. I'm here for you! The only thing that got me thru those early weeks after our failed placement was just putting one foot in front of the other. I didn't look ahead and I tried not to look back. I couldn't buy a thing for any more babies. I packed up everything and locked the nursery. That helped a lot not having to see all the baby stuff I bought for him. Later, when we did get a little boy, I still could not use the clothes because it reminded of that little boy. Someday, I hope to see him. He lives so close to me and I already saw the mother with him at the mall once when he was just a newborn.

The best advice I can give you is that when you do get your baby and the child is truly your's, you will say, thank heavens!!!! Thank you for all the failed placements that lead me to you. Then the pain, just goes away, well most of it. In my heart, there is a small spot with each failed placements name on it, two little boys that grew in my heart, but for whatever reason, never were meat to be mine. You won't forget them. Just like any woman that suffers a miscarriage, they will stay with you but the pain goes away.

Hang in there!

(((hugs)))

[gigigeorge]

well I am joining the ranks of the 'failed adoption' group... ours was a slightly different situation in that we were contacted by our sons birthmom who found herself pregnant again (5 babies, 4 dads, 6 years). She asked us to adopt this baby too and we asked about 4 million times if she was sure, to which she replied 'absolutely' each and every time.

4 months go by, we are in constant contact (phone calls at least once a week, emails etc), she even called me from the ultrasound room to tell me it was a boy... we did all the things expectant parents do - we spent loads of money on baby stuff and told everyone we knew our good news !

I went to visit her 2 weeks ago to go to her dr's appointment with her, the dr said she was 'getting ready' and if I wanted to be there for the birth I should stay in town. Three days later (on my dads birthday no less) she went into labor, I was the one she called to take her to the hospital (I should note here that the birthdad had not been involved up to this point, he told her to have an abortion and if she didnt he'd kill the baby as soon as she brought it home). Well about 5 minutes before the baby was born the birthdad shows up at the hospital.

He was polite, and didn't cause any problems. But later that night he did get into an arguement with the nurses about the birth certificate and they promptly had him banned from the hospital.

We left the birthmom to recover and get settled, my husband and I went out to dinner with our son and couldn't stop talking about the baby and how we had 2 sons and they would be so close etc etc. That was monday night.

On Tuesday we stopped by to visit with her in the morning, and promised we would stop by later when the attorney came to talk with her. Which we did and at this point everything still seemed fine. She did mention that the birthdad had called and begged her to see the baby, promising he would be nice that he just wanted to see the baby before we took him home. The nurses agreed to let him visit later that night.

On Wednesday morning we stopped by the hospital to visit and found the birthdad and his sister along with bags and bags of baby stuff (clothes, bottles etc) and a brand new car seat. My heart literally stopped beating for a few seconds. The birthmom pulled us outside and said that the birthdad's family had sent all that stuff for the baby because they wanted to get him something and didnt know what all we had or needed. She assured us everything was fine. She was released from the hospital later that morning but the baby wasn't going to be released until the afternoon. She called and let us know that she was going to run some errands and get some food. But would call us later to make arrangements to pick the baby up. When she called later she asked if she could come to our hotel to talk. When she got there she said that she was feeling really emotional about it all and that she didnt have anyone to talk to since her parents had told her if she kept the baby she couldnt stay with them anymore. We talked for a while and then went to get the baby. We brought him home from the hospital to the hotel.

On Thursday, I called the birthmom to see how she was doing and see if she wanted to see us and the baby. She said it would be okay for us to come by. So in the early afternoon we stopped by her parents house. Our birthmom was in bed and didn't want to come out to see us and respecting how hard it must be for her, we visited briefly with her parents and then left. Later that afternoon she called and said she was missing the baby and wanted to see us. Her parents, her and her 3 daughters and us went out to dinner. She didn't want to hold the baby, she just stared at him and watched us with him. After dinner we went back home.

On Friday morning just before 8 am (and 3 hours before she was to sign the papers) she called our hotel and told me that she wanted him back. She wouldn't sign the papers, and that was that. I couldn't even talk, I started crying and handed my husband the phone. He made arrangements to return the baby to her.

Then we came home, without our son who we had named and loved and taken care of.

It's been a few days now and I am not so sad anymore but more angry - I feel completely misled and lied to considering that we already have her older son. She is the one that asked us to take the baby, it just came out of left field.

I realize that as a birthmom she has the right, and I respect that. But like others have posted here, I wish she had just been honest about it.

thanks for listening

gina

[amissingpiece]

Today was a particularly crappy day for me. Mondays at my job are really yucky and all I can think about is that I should be planning to bring home a baby boy in a few weeks...But I'm not. (I was planning to be a stay at home mom, and my co-workers are super annoying now that there is no "end" in sight). Everything (including work) is easier to bear when you have the excitement of knowing that your dreams are coming true, which up until 10 days ago, was the case for myself and dh.

Nobody understands these feelings at my job. I get comments like: "oh, well, theres more where he came from". What people don't realize is that potential adoptive parents truly become "vested" in the adoption plan and actually begin to love a potential child, even without carrying him or her. In our case, we were planning a fully open adoption, with family visits, calls, and frequent photos with mother, grandmom, aunts, uncles, and biological dad's family. It's truly like losing a friend as well. I'm disappointed that birth-mom had so little respect for us. I expected more of her, I guess.

Gina, My heart goes out to you. If there is a silver lining for us, it is that we didn't have to experience the pain of actually meeting baby, taking care of baby and then ultimately giving baby up. I can only imagine the pain of your wounds at this time.

It helps me to continue to walk into the nursery (which was decorated prior to our match with a birthmom, so it's not so much like it was done especially for him) Dh thinks that I'm nuts, but for me, it's therapeutic to focus now on "girl" clothes. It's distracting, and right now for me, it gets me by.

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave. I know that many of you feel my pain, and actually, it feels real good to share it.

[dpen6]

I just want to say as an adoptee I have often read about failed adoptions and my heart does go out to you. As much as you do undertand the risks invovled, and the right of the bmom to keep her baby. Your hopes and dreams for that moment are crushed.it must be so very hard! I would think that at that very moment your pain is very seperate from the situation itself...on an intellectual level, you know this can happen, you know its birthmoms baby and for her to decide what she wants to do. But that does not negate what you a re feeling..the disappointment must be aweful.....

You are deserving of support at this time....

[dadfor2]

i am so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now..i really dont have any words to make you feel better, but just to let you know, that some people out here do understand that pain.

[lkconley]

We met our birth mother and thought we had a real bond. Of course, we helped her financially. She did ask for us at the birth and we hauled butt to get there. Unfortunately for my mental health, we got to hold and name the baby and spend two days with him. Our birth mother changed her mind the day we arrived with carseat to take the baby home. She wouldn't see us either, had hospital security guards tell us we couldn't go up to maternity floor. She even kept the name we picked.

After all this trauma, I'm happy to tell you that the pain does go away. But it takes awhile. We told our adoption agency that we would wait for a "stork drop" baby, where the initial papers were already signed. I could not deal with more birth mothers or the possiblity of another failed adoption. TWO months later--we got the call. A little baby was waiting to be picked up that day from the hospital. Our son is now thirteen months but sometimes I still cry for the welfare of the baby I didn't get to take home, if I let myself think about that horrible day.

You're gonna get your baby, the baby you were meant to parent. You're down, but not out!! If you trust your agency, keep going and you will get what you want.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by lkconley

Our birth mother changed her mind the day we arrived with carseat to take the baby home. She wouldn't see us either, had hospital security guards tell us we couldn't go up to maternity floor.

Oh my gosh, how HORRIBLE To not even have the decency to tell you.

To have the guards stop you from going up to see her, as if you are a criminal.

On the very day you were there to bring home the baby of your dreams.

My heart breaks for you! From reading your post, I am so thankful that I received a call from the pbm mother telling me the change of plans BEFORE arriving at the hospital.

(((((((((((((((My heart goes out to you))))))))))))))

[Lexmom]

Originally Posted by lkconley

I could not deal with more birth mothers or the possiblity of another failed adoption. TWO months later--we got the call.

I felt the same way after our second failed adoption. One week after the second failed, we received a call about a newborn in immediate need of a family. I was still mourning the loss of the last baby and didn't think I could go through with it again. My husband encouraged me to come with him and meet this baby...who I am happy to say is our son now. The moment I met him, I knew he was my son. I now look back at the failed adoption and realize that it was the best thing that could have happened to our family. Our son needed a home right at that instant and we needed him and fate brought us together. If the other adoption had succeeded, we would not have been able to give our son the family he needed right away. So, we were destined to be a family.

This story doesn't lessen the pain, and it is a terrible loss and I am really heartbroken for you, but maybe hearing our story will help ease the pain just a little.

[stone]

My heart goes out to all of you.

Lkconley...You sound like such a strong person.....It would take so much to grow past the loss you have experienced,but it seems you are doing just that...Your thirteen month old was meant to be your forever child...

[kma_0911]

My dh and I experienced a failed adoption last week. We had been in contact with the pbm for 4 months. We emailed, spoke on the phone and also visited in person.

I was present during the birth on Monday. DH was in the waiting room. She asked me to cut the cord. I gave the baby her first bath and also her first feeding. The first night in the hospital dh and I visited with her family and friends.

We visited her on Tuesday and she and DH worked on naming the baby. They both agreed on a name and that was the name that went on the birth certificate.

On Wednesday, she signed the papers for temporary placement and left the hospital.
We took Baby A to the hotel to wait for the final papers to be signed on Friday.

Thursday evening our agency called to say the bf changed his mind. His parents did not want him to sign the adoption papers.
He has a 2-year old that his parents have legeal custody of and also another newborn - just 7 weeks old.

We took care of Baby A in the hotel until Sunday. The agency called and told us to bring Baby A to her **. The ** could not afford to care for her as she already has an 18 month old daughter.

Now Baby A is with a ** who did not plan on parenting her and cannot afford her.

We were both devastated. We will always love Baby A and she will always be our first.

DH and I know there is a baby out there for us.

[msmoo2]

This week our bmom had a beautiful baby girl. After letting us name her, feed her and love her, bmom has now decided to take her home. I am more upset with the fact that our 8 yr old daughter (also adopted at birth) was able to come to the hospital wearing her "I'm a Big Sister" tshirt only to be told that bmom has changed her mind. This is a terrible thing for everyone involved...... I can't even imagine going thru this again.

[stone]

My heart goes out to you msmoo2
I cannot imagine what you are going through right now.My kids would have been devestated if bmom had changed her mind.I am sure this pain is greater than anything you have ever known.I pray for comfort for you,your daughter,and your family during this time.....