[Rusgirl]

I feel so thankful I have found this forum...I need people who understand this pain...
My husband and I have loved two children for over a year now. We read about siblings that lost their parents in Kazakhstan. The little girl, age 6, is deaf and has no form of communication in place. As a special education teacher, my heart went out. These were our children. The rooms are finished, names on the wall, closets full, car seats ready, toy room and toys complete, kid shower(s) already had… 6 days before we were to travel, we got a call. The grandmother, who reportedly has had no contact the year they have been placed in the orphanage, refuses to let them be adopted. She wants them to stay in the orphanage until they are 16. It has now been four months since that call, 2 more hopeful tries that failed (with these children) and many, many, many heartaches and tears later. I am left empty, lost… I have wanted to adopt since second grade. God has called me to do this. We are able to have our own children, but have chosen this. Why did this happen and how do you go on? I have been seeing a counselor and she is helping me learn how to “carry this” because the pain will never go away. We have about $60,000 wrapped up in this; only $12,000 we are able to get back. I know there are millions of kids who need our help, and I know I can’t “waste” this money. Not for the sake of the money, but for the sake of helping which is what I’ve always wanted to do. BUT…it is just so hard to move forward. My heart aches for those children. Our agency wants us to leave October 7 for Kazakhstan because many regions are closing due to a presidential election. As of now, there is a little Kazakh boy they have referred us. No girls though….and it is likely there won’t be any by that time. Help me to know what is right. My mind and heart are so foggy right now because my love and pain is so intense. I feel like my children have been kidnapped and I know where they are, but I can’t get to them.

Heartbroken & lost,
Michelle

[abcg1977]

Just stop trying to figure it all out. God has a plan. Maybe your little boy with no sister and grandmother is who really needs you more. Let God know your heart and go where he sends you. This may be your labor and delivery. Lots of pain and worth it all. Love is so non-specific love who is placed in your path and love those other lil' Angels in your heart.JMHO

Best wishes and Good luck. Ang.

[KKinCA]

Oh Michelle,

My heart goes out to you right now. I've had two failed domestic adoptions, and while our situations aren't exactly the same, I can relate to how you're feeling right now. Let yourself feel it all. You should be grieving, you should feel angry, you shouldn't understand why this is happening. Maybe some day you (and I...) will see a purpose, see a greater plan...and maybe not. To me, some things just don't make any logical sense, and it is more frustrating to try and attach a reason. It is great that you are seeing a counselor right now. You're right - you will find a way to get through it, but you will always carry love (and pain) for these two children for whom you prepared not only a physical space, but also a permanent place in your heart.

As far as your potential upcoming trip, I think all you can do is follow your instincts. If it feels right, and something you're up to doing, then move forward. I think you won't find a definitive "right" thing to do. All you are left with is your own best judgment, which I know is hard when you're in so much pain.

In our adoption journey, which so far has only been filled with pain, I've had to learn to live with many unanswered questions. I still hold onto hope, primarily because of all the stories I've heard from others about sharing the kind of pain you and I have gone through...and yet perservering on to a successful situation. Believing that this will happen, at least for me, doesn't erase the anger I feel at the injustice being done to the children that we didn't get in our failed adoptions. One is in a home where there has been abuse in the past, and it saddens me daily, yet there is nothing I can do about it. At least for me, I've just had to learn to live with all these emotions and hope that in time, the pain will diminish and hold onto my hope that there is a child still out there who needs us.

I am so sorry this happened, and that you're having to go through this very difficult time. My thoughts are with you as you make your decision on what to do next.

KK

[lovemy6]

Our story is different. We chose to foster in the hopes of one day having a child placed with us that would become available for adoption. We had many children come to us as foster children who left to be reunited with their birthfamilies. I cried for so many of them. Each one left a huge hole in my heart. I never knew how I'd continue to foster. Love the children as my own, only to have them leave one after another.

Eventually, after many years of fostering, we were placed with two sibling groups who would end being our forever children. NOW I am so happy. At the time I didn't know that they were "the ones", but I trusted God to open my heart to whomever He would choose to be my children.

Trust in your heart that the child meant to be yours will find his or her way to your home. I had so hoped for a little girl and have ended up adopting two little girls who came with their wonderful brothers. I wouldn't trade my sons for the world. There's something very special about boys!

[rainbowlovertwo]

Why does the grandmother want them in an orphange until they are 16? I dont understand that.

[Linny]

Our family has 'loved and lost' children as well. Even now, we have also gone through the horror of disrupted adoptions too. (Two have been too dangerous to live in our home.)
Like you.......we cannot understand the 'whys'.... there are times we can't cry enough in trying to understand the 'why'!?!?!?!?!

Like a previous poster said, allow yourself to fully grieve. I am irritated that your agency would allow you to spend this much money long before any finalization of the adoptions. While I know it isn't about money in your hearts......this loss makes it even more confusing, I'm sure.

But........I do believe there is a bigger picture out there. I do believe there is a plan that God plugs us in to...though the journeys seem sooo cruel sometimes. And sometimes, I know I had to believe, even though there seemed to be no reasonable purpose to.

But, I also think that if you persevere......if you love an idea enough.....if you decide that the grief will not overtake you....then I think there is still a child/baby out there for you.

My advice would be that if you can afford it, fly to Kazakhstan and open yourself to any possibility that may 'feel right' in your soul. Don't rush into anything, like bringing home a child/baby you wouldn't otherwise do.....but allow yourself to explore the possibilities, so to speak.
( I say that 'desparate' thing....because there was a time when our family was desparate...and I went against my gut instinct. It has turned out to be a warning I should have taken. But, one that could not be changed.)
So, be careful. Pray about any possibilities.....and realize that somehow....maybe not now; yet, maybe quite soon.......the Lord will make it clearer just what and how you are to play in this puzzle of life. The results may fully surprise you; and in months or years from now, looking back.......the grief and the 'whys' will be understood.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[SadieAnn]

Michelle,

I am so so so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing a child. Dh & I parented a son... our first... for 5 wks before his bfather changed his mind and we have to give him back. I didn't think I could survive a day, breathing in/out was a chore. Every morning I just couldn't understand how the sun could possibly keep coming up. How was life going on when we were in such pain? But the months rolled by in a fog. @ 3 mos later we were placed with our son from birth. He is 5 mos old now.

When I think of the circumstances surrounding each baby all I can tell anyone is I knew that our son needed us more. As much as I couldn't imagine loving a child after the son we lost there was plenty of room in my heart for the son I now have AND the memory and prayers for the son we lost.

You are clearly a very compassionate person. As you've wanted so much to adopt, I'm sure you have a HUGE heart. There is room in that big heart for the child you will eventually have, and the love for the children you so desperately wanted to bring home.

The one thing I kept telling myself after we lost our son. The "only way I'll never be a Mommy is if I give up... so that is NOT an option".

Many ((((hugs))))!

[mdaisyq]

I have been there, too. Two weeks before we were to travel to Russia, we found out that a Russian family came into our son-to-be's orphanage and adopted him. We, too, had his room painted, crib ready, baby shower gifts carefully put in his room.

I couldn't bear to go into his room for months and I, too, felt as if I was drifting along in a gray fog.

My personal feeling is that traveling on October 7th to Kazakhstan is too soon for you. You need more time to deal with your very real grief. It would not be fair to you or this little boy for you to adopt him right now, no matter how much your agency may press you about regions closing.

The sadness for what could have been will never go away, but over time it will diminish, though you will always think of them.

I think it is great that you have reached out to a counselor who is able to help you with this. How is your husband holding up?

[smanette]

Michelle,

My husband and I have 1 adopted son, Japanese/Korean, who we Foster/Adopted. He is perfect and wonderful. We cannot have birth children of our own but can adopt children. There is nothing more fulfilling for us. So, this last year we had attempted a high risk adoption of two brothers, who we had in our home for 9 months. We lost them to their biological Aunt this last June even though we were only about 1 month from finalizing the adoption. I love those boys and nothing will change that. I feel like they died. I spent all summer crying with my remaining son patting me on the back saying, "Kay, Mommy" in that sweet little 3 year old voice. I ended up going home to my mom for some extra support for a few weeks. To compound the feelings of loss we were told by the State that we wouldn't be allowed to attempt another adoption for at least another year. So, we felt like we were being beat down continuously.

We didn't have the money tied up in the adoption as you did, but we had the emotions tied up. We jumped through hurdle after hurdle that many of the Social Workers we were involved with claimed were outrageous and that most adoptive parents wouldn't have attempted for nearly as long. Each month we were given a new task to complete and more paperwork (they were changing agencies, Social Workers and contractors, etc.). It was terribly difficult and the day the boys' Social Worker came to pick them up I thought I was going to die. The only thing that saved me, at the time, was my remaining son.

So, since we won't be allowed to adopt through the State then we have decided to try an International Adoption through China. We are happy and excited. We just began the process but can hardly wait until we see our newest addition. We understand there are no guarantees, but we have enough faith to give our hearts over to someone else, again. We'll keep doing that until we get the large family we're hoping for.

You obviously have faith. Let that be your guide. We are all mere mortals and there is only that higher being who knows what we are meant to do. Follow your heart, as that's your only guide as to what He wants from you!!!

All my best,
Manette

[almost_there]

I posted a thread a while back, about a similar situation. We had two children that we had for quite sometime and had thought they were staying with us forever....one month ago, they left to Virginia with their family, we will never see them again. The first week was devastating, I am not sure how I would have gotten through it with out help from my family and friends. Each person is different and for me- keeping busy was my therapy. I did what I could to help myself move forward. I originally took down all the pictures, changed the rooms- I didn't want anything the same. But, I am gradually putting pictures back up, they were a huge part of my life and although somedays the pictures make me cry...they mostly make me smile now, those were happy times. Those were times that I made a difference in their lives and helped make them who they are and who they will be. They did the same to me, and although it is a hard concept to grasp...it was all for a reason. I stay busy...very, very busy I make things up for me to do so that I don't stop and have time to think about them and regress. I also have 2 other children that we are fostering (one we are hoping to adopt) that I am focusing on. At first I had my guard up...you will too, you will think that you can't ever love like that again or put your heart out there. But...I think you will. You are strong...not necessarily by choice, but you are strong. So many people could never do what you did to begin with. The pain is horrible, but what you have done for those kids lives and for your own is priceless. Life isn't fair...I have found that out so much the last several months, the states system doesn't always work for the kids or for the foster families that love them. It is a hard thing to swallow...but you have to what you can to move forward (and by forward I don't mean moving on...or forgetting them), for you and for the kids. I wish you all the best, and if you want to talk, and need someone to just listen, I am here.