[almost_there]

Our story starts out just like most of y'alls. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 3 years and after exhausting all our infertility options, and being told that if I did conceive I would most likely not carry to term...we started looking at our other options. We quickly decided to do adoption (legal risk) with the state. To our surprise we got pregnant twice while going thru the process of becoming approved...both babies were lost. We were licensed on December 3rd 2004...the same day that Jordan was born. On the 28th of December we got the call...they had a 3 week old baby boy and he would be there in a couple hours, it was all so surreal. He had a sister - 18 mths named Jaden, and eventually she would be placed with us as well. A girl & a boy...we couldn't be happier ! Sure enough they showed up with the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, they put him in my arms- and without a question he was mine. I quit work and stayed home with him full time, this was what I was born to do, I couldn't be more happy. Our family fell head over heels in love (it was hard not to) and he became the first grandchild for both of our sides of parents. Things were looking good as far as us getting to keep him forever- and we found out when he was 5 months old that his sister was coming to live with us as well-the judge said to make sure that it was a good adoption placement. When Jaden came to live with us it was an instant family- we had our 2 kids and our lives were complete. Jaden had her little princess room and I got to dress her up in pink- then there was Jordan our big boy- although every bit the mama's boy. So...all was perfect, but not happily ever after ! The maternal grandfather & step-grandmother had decided shortly after getting Jaden that they were going to do a home-study and try to adopt them and raise them as their own. They had a 10, 7, 4, 2 and 10 month old- we believed that adding another 2 year old and a now 8 mth old to the mix wasn't going to be something the state approved. Blood is thick- after several months of waiting and hoping and still holding our babies in our arms-we found out they were approved. We wanted to fight and keep them but we were told our rights as foster / adopt parents weren't effective till they had been with us for a year. Even though we were all Jordan had known and it had been 8 mths- we still had no rights,and they were family. For the past month we had woken up each day to their beautiful smiling faces, fully knowing that soon we are never going to see them again. Jordan started crawling this week and although Ma-ma is his favorite word, he started saying da-da the other day. He has been sick and hasn't wanted me to put him down- soon he will call for me and I won't answer. Jaden has become quite the young lady and although she was behind when she was placed with us she is now right on target with her age group (if not ahead). She is my little shadow, and daddy's little princess. So...that brings us to today- one week from now they are leaving us, moving to another state and we will never see our babies again. How do you say goodbye to your kids? How do you know that they will forget you and every day we will remember them. How will I let somoene take them out of the door and never bring them back. Rght now it hurts more than I can stand, and they are still here in my arms? How do you heal from something like this?

[Linny]

Our family has been in your shoes....however, the two toddlers we had, stayed with us 'just shy of' one year. This was before the year placement 'law' came into effect; and...according to the dept, they admitted that in order to place them, they 'misrepresented themselves' when telling us they'd be free and adoptable.
This happened well over 10yrs ago. When they left, we never felt like we deserved to continue within their lives. Don't get me wrong...this hurt WAY more than hurt. We felt we would 'die'....and truthfully, a piece of us did.
We were numb for some time. I felt like a walking soul with life just going in and out of me. I knew that we had prayed all that we could....I could not understand the whys and wherefores. What was the point, God...after all????

Not long after this, we decided that no child would come into our home without being totally freed for adoption. It taught us that we could not be foster parents; as some of our acquaintances did so very well.
I think counseling would have been good for all of us. It was equally as rough to our (then) two pre-teen children......

Foster care is not easy. I don't know how some people are able to 'hold back a part of themselves in order to not be devestated'...as some have told me. We just couldn't do it.
For now........I hate to tell you....but in our experience...it was just something we had to 'go through'. It stinks...it's not fair........but, that's the game of dealing with foster to adopt.
I would strongly suggest that you consider seeing a counselor, if at all possible. It was like a death within our family...and truthfully, it is, IMO. And, in time, I would seriously consider taking only children who are totally free for adoption...or turning (as we eventually did too) to private infant adoption.

The truth is that they probably will forget about you. Consider that the time and love you have given to them, will not be in vain. You have given them a good life....a great start. Though they may never know...a piece of you and all that you represent will go with them. It will be evident in very small things...but maybe you can take comfort in that truth.

For us, years later, we received a letter from a caseworker of another agency far away. The cw'er wrote that both children had---in time---been adopted. She wondered if we had photos to share of their lives? We had sent tons of photos with them when they left...obviously, they had been lost.
We sent photos and material 'treasures' in a package for them. A few weeks later, I called this cw'er ....I told her I did not feel we deserved to be involved with their lives.......that their lives should be spent with their new families. I only wanted to know if they were happy and placed together.
She said they were; and added that we were the only family of TEN foster families-----who bothered to respond. She was very grateful, and felt the children would be too.

I cannot tell you anything that will make this event any better. I know that. I can tell you that going through a grieving period is perfectly normal...that you cannot expect yourselves to 'go right back into life'...because life as you have known it, will be different.
Being a Believing person....and that God has a plan for each of us.....I have to believe that the time these kids had with us was for a purpose....a good purpose. It taught us that fostering was not for us.....taught us that when children 'go from our lives'....we feel we do not deserve to continue to be involved.

Maybe one day, we'll meet them again. I have no idea. I have no idea where they live or lived once adopted. But, I can tell you that I often remember...and that going through the pain was the only way to get beyond it.

I"m sorry I can't give more comfort. I wish I could. Please know that I will say prayers for you and your family...and that in time, I hope you will have direction as to what to do next.

God Bless you.......

Very Most Sincerely,

Linny

PS....Please feel free to pm me, if you want to vent..... (((HUG)))

[Dmommab]

I don't have any words of advice for you other than to say that these children have truly been blessed to have you as mom & dad during this time. You have given them the wonderful gift of your love & security. You WILL love them forever & it isn't going to be easy for you to say goodbye. You are living "our" (meaning all of us) worst nightmare but be strong - there are obviously other children that God feels need you more than these two. Hugs to you.

[Luvbeingmommy]

I truly am sorry for your pain. I have been fostering for 4 years now and it is never easy to "let them go", even when reunification is evident. This will no doubt be the hardest thing for you to face. My prayers are with you and with these two precious children. Enjoy each and every moment you have left with them. Forget the dishes and the laundry they can wait.... Love your angels while you have them and thank God for "loaning them to you for whatever time period He has allowed." And don't give up -- there are so many children in need of such caring and loving parents as you seem to be.

I am a single foster to adopt mom with two little boys that I am hoping to adopt. I have had these boys since the baby was 6 days old and came home from the hospital. He is now 17 1/2 months old. His brother is 31 months. Like you, I am the only mommy these little guys know. My situation: there is a 3 year old bsister who has been in another foster home and recently been diagnosed with RAD and ODD. We have had 2 bonding studies and there is no bond at all between her and the boys. The boys are bonded to each other and to my beautiful 5 year old adopted daughter. The state wants to place these 3 together. (There are a total of 6 siblings) The psychologist has indicated that she poses a danger to the boys (any children younger than she is) and that it would be detrimental to the boys to leave my home since mine is the only family they know. I am now waiting for yet another psychologist to examine them and the department says they will go with whatever he suggests is best for the three (he is generally opposed to sibling splits) I would take all three if her behavior problems permitted it, but she requires so much one on one that I feel my daughter and the boys would be neglected and I can't do that.

You mentioned the 1 year law -- could you tell me more about that? Would it be relevant in my case. These boys have been with me for over 17 months.

Thank you and my prayers are with you.

[Hope4myson]

I had my child for one year. I wish I would have kept more personal things of his to rememeber. We did have tons of photos to make an album. I gave most of his personal things to his new mom. Afterall he was going some place new and I wanted him to have his old things around to feel comfortable. The one thing I really wanted was some of his blankets. He had such a cute baby smell. During his last week here (he was going back and forth everyday) I put all these extra baby blankets in his crib. Unfortunately all the confussion with going back and forth made him very sick. He threw up all over the place those last few days and I ended up with nothing. I recently was at a store were I spotted a special rattle and the clearance shelf that was just like the one I gave him. I suddenly missed him and was a crying wreck but I bought the rattle. I know it's not his... but it is special to me anyway.

Oh one more thing.. I know it is VERY hard to go through this and hand a child over to someone else. Personally I felt it was part of my responsibility to that child not to make it more traumatic for them. As hard as it was I tried to keep the tears and emotions in check until he was gone. I did send along a special book I bought him with a letter about how we felt. Maybe someday he will get it maybe not. But I didn't want my son to see the fear and sadness in me and be scared. But really, nothing anyone can say will ever prepare you for that day. Sorry for your family going through all of this.

[MomofanAngel]

I'm an adoptee and I was just passing through and I wanted to say although my experience as an adopted child wasn't loving and nurturing, I do understand some of what you are feeling by your words and I'm so very sorry. It sounds horrible to have to release your child that you love so much and wanted so badly. If you had fostered me, I'd want to be able to contact you in the future. You are such loving people.

Is that possible? Is there a way your children can know about you via records? (I don't know how this works.)

[mrbeansmom]

It's uncanny how similar our situation is in that my family is grieving, as we speak, the loss of our little guy this past week. We received him at birth (placed for concurrent adoption), along with his one year old sister. We've had them 18 months and we are definitely "Mama" and "Papa" to them both. They share a bedroom and are extremely close. The bigger tragedy in our case is that we are adopting the sister (now 2 1/2), but they sent the 1 1/2 year old back to his mom. They have no regard for the relationship between the siblings; parents are all that matter.

We have died a hundred deaths this week. The sister looks everywhere for her brother and she cries at naptime and betime now where she used to sing and giggle with her baby brother. She begs us to go get him. She is hardly eating and is now getting sick herself. She has regressed at least 6 months in development. I can hardly function. I spend all my time wondering what he is thinking and doing, and if he's okay. He got very sick (he has bad asthma) right before he left us due to all the back and forth and the stress of the visits. I worry so that he's all right. My other children are all crying and acting out in their grief. Several have regressed terribly in their development. We're like the walking wounded and our typically noisy house is so very quiet.

I filed for defacto parent and got it when our little guy was 6 months old. It was the best move I could ever have made. I am not at liberty to go into the details at this point, but someday I will share with this list what I have done to keep these siblings together. God, in His goodness, heard our prayers and there is a slim (I'll take slim right now!) possibility that our baby will be returning to us soon. You have to be diligent, you have to be resourceful, and you have to fight, fight, fight for the rights of these small ones to have their best interests considered. Sometimes it's just not possible, but sometimes.............................

[stone]

Rebecca
I wish I had words to comfort you and to make everything alright.Your story just absolutely breaks my heart all to pieces!!

Your children are your children today and you will endure a long grieving process.I will be here to support you and to listen if you ever need someone to lean on.

I am so truly sorry for all of your pain.Lean on God for strength!

Give those children a big hug for me!

[stone]

We have died a hundred deaths this week. The sister looks everywhere for her brother and she cries at naptime and betime now where she used to sing and giggle with her baby brother. She begs us to go get him. She is hardly eating and is now getting sick herself. She has regressed at least 6 months in development. I can hardly function. I spend all my time wondering what he is thinking and doing, and if he's okay. He got very sick (he has bad asthma) right before he left us due to all the back and forth and the stress of the visits. I worry so that he's all right.

That just breaks my heart .....her looking everywhere for her brother.I am in tears as I write this......I cannot imagine what you and REBECCA are going through right now.I wish you all did not have to go htrough htis intense pain of losing your children.It all reminds me of the story of BABY JESSICA back in 1990.That story still makes me sick when i think about it.

May god Bless and protect all of you!

[mommieof2cuties]

I agree with what Staci said. God Bless you and your daughter.

God Bless,
Summer

[stone]

Rebecca
Just thinking of you today.Praying for God to give you strength!

[Linny]

They have no regard for the relationship between the siblings; parents are all that matter.

And I'll add, that just the 'thought' of 'best interests of the child' is such a joke! So much for the system and its ways.
Again, I'm so sorry you both are having to deal with such pain and 'unfairness'. The ways of this foster care system are so incredibly horrid and messed up.

May the Lord comfort you and hear your prayers...... (((HUGS)))

Sincerely,

Linny

[Hopefull]

I have tears in my eyes reading these posts and I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. You're in my prayers and thoughts. There really is nothing I can say that could possibly make you feel better but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. God Bless,Rene

[mamacrina]

I'm so very very sorry. I am thinking of you both.

[skootinalong2]

I wish I had something wonderful to say that would make you feel better and give you comfort. I am so sorry. Sorry for you and the children.