[JadedKat]

I don't really know where to begin. I am in the UK and cannot find a UK based forum - I have searched high and low for some sort of support group, forum or information sharing of likeminded people and I can't find anything at all and feel very isolated. People can be so cruel and judgemental.

I am so terribly sad to read some of the stories on here yet so grateful to find others who, with different circumstances/outcomes have experience an adoption breakdown.

I am now 30 years old and in 1998 when I was 23 I lost a baby through ectopic multiple birth. To get pregnant my husband and I went through fertility treatment, IUI. I am now unable to concieve.

In 2000, after we had almost adopted two other children on seperate occasions, 1 of which went to a couple that was in our support group who lived reasonably close by and the other a new born whose mother changed her mind, we adopted a little boy of 20 months old - finally we had what we'd longed for. It was apparent from the beginning that my husband and son were bonding amazingly well but it wasn't the case with me. Prior to being with us he had been with the same foster mother for 14 months and appeared to have a very close relationship with her so I put his reluctance to bond with me down to the broken link he had had with her and thought that over time it would start to grow. I eventually gave up working to spend more time with him to try and form that bond but nothing appeared to work. His relationship with my husband grew and grew and I felt pushed out and alone. My husband tried to be supportive but he was in a difficult position. Our son would scream if we tried to cuddle, he would kick me in the back until I got out of bed so he could sleep in bed with my husband and I would have to sleep on the sofa. He slept in his cot initially and then in his own room but it was only as he got a little older that he started becoming obssessive about my husband and I being close. When we used to go to out or to parties if he fell or hurt himself I would get up to respond to him and he would run straight past me to Daddy like he didn't even know who I was. This started to cut like a knife everytime and I felt very alone and down with no one to support me.

To cut a long story short at the end of 2001 my husband and I split up and it was very clear who our son would stay with. I tried to continue a relationship with our son but he didn't want to be with me and when he was with me he spent all his time crying for Daddy.

At Easter 2003 my son came to stay with me for a week (we had been having regular contact) but after two very sad, emotional and stressful days he went back to Daddy and I haven't seen him since. I tried to continue telephone contact but it didn't work and I now haven't spoken to him since February 2004.

On mothers day 2004 I received a home made mothers day card, papers from my husbands solicitor requesting that I have no contact with my son as it was affecting him in school and his general behaviour and a phone call from the CSA (child support agency) - who set up 15% monthly payments of my net income, over the phone. I was crushed. I always made payments to my husband but he wanted more.

My husband divorced me in 2003. He is now re-married and very happy and my son adores his new wife and has bonded with her in the way he should have done with me and she has been part of his life now for just over 3 years.

Yesterday my ex husband contacted me and asked me to agree to his spouse adopting our son from me. I have agreed to do this as I feel it is the best thing to do for my son and I do need closure on this as I feel like it is a living beareavment and I can't move on. I have attachment problems, I can't form relationships and I am miserable on the inside although I am outwardly an assertive, strong person. I have no one to talk to because friends, family, no-one understands.

I have spent the day today trying to get advice. Social services were unhelpful and the tone of voice said it all. Solicitors were the same.

I feel like my world if falling apart and I don't know who to talk to. There must be other people out here that have or are experiencing this.

Do you know of any groups or forums for people in my position.

I haven't ever done anything other than try to be a mother, I only ever wanted a baby and after being told I couldn't naturally concieve, fertility drugs, fertility treatment, the loss of a child, being told its highly unlikely I would be able to get pregnant again, the adoption process, the breakdown of the adoption and now this I feel lost on such an emotional rollercoaster.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I await any help you can offer.

[dl]

JadedKat ~ I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this loss and in such pain. I sent a pmessage to two members with a link to your thread. While their situations are not identical to yours, the end result is similar.

Take care and I hope you find the help you need.
(((HUGS))) ~dl

[Leigh131313]

I have no advice to give you...but i wanted you to know that i read your post, and I am here if you need to vent...or just need a friendly ear.

Take care

Leigh

[love4]

thanks dl,

Jadedcat,
My heart is sad for you. I do understand the deep feelings of rejection. My story is not quite the same but I have experienced deep rejection and abandonment from my daughter. I sent you a pm. I would be happy to be a support to you. love4

[Lynn Barry]

JADED CAT,

I agree with love4...it is the rejection and loss that is the issue...and helping each other through those losses is what I have experienced via this board of caring people for the past two years and it has saved my sanity...I met love4 on this board and the friendship and support given to me in this our time of abandonment is a saving grace...

Welcome and we are here for you...you are not alone, even though that is exactly how you must be feeling...

HUGS

[timni]

I have no advice to give. only a hug and a prayer.

I hope you will be able to find the peace you are looking for.

[love4]

Originally Posted by Lynn Barry

JADED CAT,


Welcome and we are here for you...you are not alone, even though that is exactly how you must be feeling...

HUGS

Many people I would tell my story to would feel so happy for my daughter who found her birthparents. It hurt even more because I was grieving the loss of my daughter. No one understood how deeply I hurt. I felt such a deep loss. She is still with her birthparents and I have little contact with her. It doesn't hurt as much because I had to let go little by little. The more I let go, the freer I felt. Having someone to cry to was a great help. Many people on the boards have felt my pain and especially lynn who understands even more because she has experienced the same pain. Thanks lynn. Take Care jadedcat. We are here for you too. love4