[KKinCA]

We matched with our birthmother last September. It was our first call, our first match, and though she seemed a little unstable, all seemed well. We spent much time with her during the pregancy, talked with her almost daily, and grew very attached to the little boy growing inside her. She gave birth in February, and we were there for the labor and delivery. Though she had a tough time in the hospital, she did let us take the baby home. She went into a depression after the birth, and said her emotional state was preventing her from signing the relinquishment. Though concerned, we were busy parenting a newborn, and continued to believe that she would sign (also because she told us this time and time again, assuring us that we had nothing to worry about). After three weeks, the agency called us and told us she changed her mind. The devastation has been unbearable. Though it has almost been almost two months since we lost him, and we're getting the help and support we need from family, friends and a therapist, I just can't seem to get my life back. We are back on line with the agency we used, and we also hired a private attorney to help us find a birthmother, and we have a genuine belief that we'll be matched with another baby...but I continue to be flooded with feelings of loneliness and depression. I have read many books on grief, took time off of work, and have done everything I can to get through this tough time, but the feelings of devastation and anger keep re-emerging.

For others who have gone through a similar experience...is there anything you've found helpful in dealing with your loss? I think I'm doing everything I can, and perhaps I just need to accept that it will take time.

Thanks in advance for the input,
KK

[dtmom2b]

KK,
I am so sorry. We have not been thru anything like this but just wanted to say I am sorry!

[Elaine95]

KK,

I am sorry for your loss. Reading your post brings back a flood of emotion from last November when we had an adoption fail. We did not spend as much time with her, as you did with baby's mother, but it hurt nonetheless. We had only been in correspondence with her for about an month and a half, and only officially matched for one week, but we grieved. And, for me, it took months to recover from it. I tried to put on my happy face, but I remember being depressed and in bed for many weeks afterwards. For me, it was something that just needed time. I just needed to separate myself from her birth with time, and I can't think of anything that would have made it go faster. I prayed a lot, and tried hard to concentrate on all of the good things in my life (there are so many!!) but I still needed to grieve. We still have not been matched, and it has been more than six months since that experience, but I have hope again, and I feel happy again and normal.

I hope you can find peace. but don't beat yourself up over it's illusiveness right now!! You need to grieve your loss, and I can imagine that you will always hold a special place in your heart for that baby boy and his mother. I think you are doing all of the right things right now, and it's important that you recognize your need for support.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Hugs,
Elaine

[KKinCA]

dtmom & elaine,
thanks for your responses. this was my first post, and it took me a while to be able to do it. elaine...i'm sorry for your loss and it helps to hear that there is hope...and i'm sure at some point i will be feeling more "normal". best of luck to you, and i hope that you have a match right around the corner!

kk

[jheald]

kk,

You have every right to the grieving. Don't let anyone cheat you of that!

I had several fails, but the most difficult one started one year ago yesterday. I had spent much time on the phone with this birthmom and she wanted me there so the baby could be released to me and not social care. I flew to Chicago on May 5 and she had the baby on May 7 (Mothers Day 2004). The baby was released to me on May 8 and I cared for him for three days in the hotel. Chicago requires 72 hours before the birthmom can sign. I suspicioned she would change her mind even after a couple months of "I'd never have you come all this way to change my mind." I suspicioned because she had named this boy after the birth father making him a Junior. She was poring over the baby announcement papers the hospital provided. Things like that. So although I wasn't completely surprised, I was heartbroken when I had to drive him to the agency and leave empty-handed. The only thing that kept me going was to just get on the phone with the agency and push them to get started again for us. I didn't want to wait like some people desire. I shed a lot of tears that night in my hotel room (I definitely ordered in some comfort food!) and it was a horrible day on the flight home the next day. After all that happened, I knew I couldn't invest my time, money and emotions into another situation until signatures were in place. I did phone the birthmother about a week later to see how she was doing (she had her tubes tied and wasn't healing as quickly as she could have) and to let her know that I didn't hate her for changing her mind. It was obviously the right decision for her and I respected that and only wished them both the best. I have been wondering what he looks like, what they are doing to celebrate his first birthday (tomorrow) and things like that. I'm sure since you had your baby so much longer you will have those thoughts as well and possibly even more deeply.

We went through a few other situations where the birthmom either changed her mind or selected another family and a couple that we had to turn down sadly because of heavy drug usage. It only took us four months to finally receive the call that a baby in Texas was ours for the taking if we could be there the next day. I said yes and thankfully it turned out we got to wait a couple more days as the birthfather hadn't signed. Gave us more time to get our bio daughter installed at grandma's and understanding what was happening, to pack and line up the time off for dh. All I can say is that it was a totally different feeling when they placed our Isaac in our arms. I knew he wasn't going to be snatched away and he was the one God had intended for us.

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to share our story with you in hopes that you might find some help in it somewhere. Waiting and putting yourself out there for another potential risk of heartbreak is SOOOO hard, but the sooner you can do that, the sooner you WILL receive your child.

Janet

[runner44t]

We went through 2 failed adoptions and held our babies in our arms and with the same arms we handed back the babies. The only thing that I can tell you it is like a death, so grieve. The baby is still alive and hopfully doing well. You will always think about him... even when you adopt another. So cry and remember him and I wish you well. It does get better with time, but I still know that on June 17th he will be 2 and another little boy will be 3 next march. If you didn't love him it wouldn't hurt.

[Casey677]

I just wanted to give you a hug!!! Although we have had three failed matches, only one of them was after we had the precious little guy in our arms. We only had him for three days.... I can't imagine what you must be feeling. If you need someone to talk to.... please feel free to pm me.

Hugs!
Casey

[KatieMill]

Oh bless your heart. So many of us here have experienced some type of grief with failed adoptions--all different situations, but the intense grief is similar.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Some people bounce back more quickly than others. OUr situation was over 3 years ago, we've adopted since, and I can still remember the intense emotions.

You will be able to face the day again with a smile. It takes awhile. Submerse yourself in something uplifting. Personally, I had to stay away from the phone except for about 2 or 3 people. I watched alot of Christian television...I couldn't even find the words to pray for several months.

Keep coming here. Continue to reach out where you can receive support. I had to basically stay away from my best friend from childhood for over 6 months because she wasn't what I needed during this time. Give yourself permission to do what you need.

And remember. Breathe. Sometimes that's all you have the energy for....but it will get better.

[Dreamsofchild]

KK we have over the years had several failed adoptions. The most hurtful are the one that we had held the baby named her spent timewith her and then went Home without her. The other a baby that I felt was to be our new son special needs including a new one unknown about before birth and ll.,, but in the end NO we did not get him the story from MY supposed friend the facilitator was that the worker at the hospital in chicago was that she did not like caucason familes adopting african american children., Actuallymuch later found out that My supposed friend whom knew of our financial situation at the time that the fee we were to pay to her referralsource for this situation was the exact same amount that Other couples paid to Her. We had refused to send money to this account number with NO name for the person sh claimed had referreed this case to her and we said NO we are not sending any $$$ until his birthmom signed the paperwork so we would know He was to be our child for sure. Yes we and his birthmom had even named him togethe and all. He I am sure was going to have extensive special needs as he had been prenatally exposed to drugs alcohol and to an std that his birthmother a prostitute had gotten that could leave him with some serious specal need that no way to tell the damage for months after birth. Hang in their let yourself grieve for this child.
And I will keep you in my prayers that your baby is in your arms soon. Take care feel free to email me at Terrie37@aol.com If you or anyone would like to chat. Take cre
Terrie,Mom to 4 all thru adoption. Live in Nebraska
Adoption specialist for Adopt America Network we help place special needs children of all races, ages etc find forever homes. Most of the children are in state care.

[anina]

KK;
Hey there! I just wanted to tell you I will remember you in my prayers. We too went thru a failed adoption. My son's bmom was due to place her new baby with us but ended up keeping it once she found out it was to be a little girl.I even went with to 2 ultrasounds and my heart was torn to shreds after she kept her. Then to make things harder my DH almost died a month after she was born. But there is good in this. While she was being born many miles away a baby was being conceived which was to be our new little daughter. So see things do turn out good. I know this is hard but your perfect little one is out there for you and God will bring them to you when it is time. He knows the perfect time. I am sorry you are going through this and wanted to let you know I care.


Anina

[mommy3]

KK -- From our miscarriage and adoption experiences, I fully believe that a failed match and failed adoption often feel the same as miscarriages. We have to grieve and the pain can feel unbearable. When I was miscarrying, all I wanted was to be pregnant again and have it be a bad dream. Unfortunately, these real life issues are so very difficult. I'm so sorry for your loss. It will take time and some good things happening in your life to turn your emotions around. It's also okay to remember the baby who was yours for a little while -- I still remember my due dates for my several pregnancies and think about those babies. I love my children deeply, though, and now can say that I can bear whatever I need to bear so that they can be in my arms. It took many months (and our son's birth) to have a positive perspective, though. Take care, susan

[mdaisyq]

We lost our first child-to-be in a failed Russian adoption 9 years ago. During a temporary restructuring of Russia's adoption laws, our son was adopted by a Russian family who saw him on a visit to his orphanage. This happened two weeks before we were to fly to Russia.

We were devastated, and I can't imagine how much harder our loss would have been felt had we actually been able to hold him. People wondered how we could be so sad for the loss of something which we "never had." But we did have him, in our hopes and dreams for the future.

I felt as if I was surrounded by a gray cloud. I was numb for months and while I could hold it together at work, as long as no one brought up the subject, I just sobbed at night and on weekends.

I couldn't bear to go into his room or even finish opening all of the baby shower gifts we had received for him.

Rightly or wrongly, but at the time it felt right, I threw out every picture and document related to him.

We have since successfully adopted three children internationally, and are applying to adopt our fourth.

What I miss the most and get so angry about, though, is the loss of the unbelievable joy and excitement of receiving a referral for a child. For each of our children's referrals, we always have a twinge of doubt and anxiety and ask ourselves, "Will this one fail, too?"

Grieve and give yourself time to grieve. It is terrific that you have supportive family and friends and a therapist who can help you through a loss that many non-adoptive families find difficult to comprehend.

[missyB77]

KK,
You need to grieve. This is just my experience and everyone deals differently.
Last July we were ready to bring our son home. We were matched for four months after waiting two years and having two other failed matches. I was driving to TX, five hours away from my home (NC) when I got the call from our Pbirthmother. She changed her mind. I cried five hours home and didn't leave the house for two weeks. When I finally went back to work, I cried the first two days.

I picked myself up after that though because I knew God wanted something better for us. Our son just wasn't meant to be. Our daughter came home with us last Sept. It was meant to be. I think time heals wounds...but it doesn't make them go away. You lost a baby...no matter how he/she was coming to you. You need to grieve. For me, I took my time and was ready in two weeks to move on. I constantly called our facilitator to let them know we were ready for our child then. They probably got tired of me. I didn't care. I needed to move on with my life.

You have to deal how you can. Hugs and Wishes for a baby in your life soon. I have an adoption forum on ezboard if you want to come visit. It's private so you need to join but I welcome anyone. If you need more support, come visit. I hope God blesses you soon.

adoption & beyond

Blessings,
Melissa

[Hopefull]

Hugs to you KK, and all the others who have posted here. This year we have had two failed adoptions, since Feb. The first one was a longer match and more intense. Someone here said the loss is like a death and I agree. We took some balloons out to the bay and wrote messages to our little Angel and also some prayers for her. We watched them float away through tears. It helped with some closure for us. We got right back on the waiting list and in 5 weeks we had another match. Although it didn't work out, it stranglely enough, gave us hope for the future. Adoption is a wonderful way to start a family, but the road to get there is full of bumps!

Take Care, Rene
waiting in Nor Cal

[HeatherDawn]

KK,

My husband and I had a failed adoption, yesterday was her 3 month birthday...we had her for a month and three days. When we rec'd our called our bmom dropped out of no where and had the baby and on Friday we rec'd our call Saturday and had her in our arms Sunday....I was so happy, we were running around Saturday night picking up car seats etc because we were not prepared we had only waited three months and were picked. She was beautiful, we loved her like we gave birth to her...when we had to give her back we went on a trip the very next day to see my brother in Utah, it cost a lot because we booked it the day we found out we had to return her to her bmom, it was four days before Easter and I couldn't bare to be home. I had thank you notes on the counter still that needed to be sent for the baby shower gifts I rec'd (I had one thrown for me days before we heard the news we had to give her back) Going away right away helped termendously, of course I cried at the airport, I cried on the plane, I cried in stores...but my brother took us rock climbing, to National parks, dinners, we kept really busy...we laughed, spent time with their kids, it was a total blessing to be away, then when I got back I went straight to work. Getting thrusted into my old life was horrible...I took each day at a time and didn't know how I was going to make it through each day...I would just start crying out of the blue, still do, but you know what, she is alive, and life has to move on, I chose to face it with a vegance, I had talks with myself all the time...Like "hey, you knew this could happen, you made it through infertility, you made it through years of not having a baby while everyone elses children have grown, you've made it...I can't let these issues beat me down, if these things beat me down than I lose, I can't I need to face them and be strong"...and yes, I am tired sometimes of being strong, I really do get tired of it...I still have bad days and really do have some great days...I keep myself very busy, very busy...I keep having talks with myself...and you know what, good things came out of her being in our lives, some really good things, new relationships, new bonds, I won't go into it all but that's another thing I did, I realized how many positives came out of her being in our life....You have to try and think this way KK....another thing to, is I also thought of how it could have been worse, it really could be worse, I know you probably hate hearing that because what happens to you personally, something like this is very traumatic, I know because I have been through it and I just try and focus on the fact that "God am I thankful my husband and I have each other and we made it through this and we will have a baby someday, we really will". Sometimes thinking of other things that happen to people, big things can make our situation seem small...i.e. in our local town there was a women and her two sons that were hit by a drunk driver at 3pm in the afternoon, she and her sons were killed, the husband is now left without his two sons and wife...I thought to myself, "think of that grief, how big is that, that is extremely horrible" and I felt for him and it made my situation seem so little (but it was big to me)...I don't know if I am making any sense and I only want you to know that maybe there were some good things that came to you while you had your son...I hope you start having more good days, things will get better, try and think of the good that came out of meeting him and experiencing him..I know its hard, but it helped me.