[KKinCA]

Well, she had the baby on Tuesday, a beautiful girl as we expected. The pbmother didn't want to see us, but had the nurse give me her wristband so that I could have open access to the baby. The hospital team was terrific. They gave us a private room to spend time with the baby. For an hour, I felt hopeful. Then, the nurse came in and said the pbmother was upset, wanted the baby, and wanted us to go home and come back in the morning. This morning, we knew from the agency counselor that she was having trouble deciding what to do. She said that once she saw the baby looked like her, it made her question her decision. So, we were left to wait in her city all day until she made her decision. We found out about an hour ago that she's taking her baby home. I completely respect a woman' right to parent....but can't you figure out ahead of time the baby is going to look like you and not play around with other people's lives and emotions? I can't believe we're back in the same spot we were on our last failed adoption 5 months ago. Yes, I tried to stay removed, and yes, we didn't take her home this time....but the culmultive effect of all we've put into trying to have a baby...the years of trying not to mention the money...I just feel so hopeless right now. I realize I'm still raw, and that I'm very emotional right now, but I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I can't be so vulnerable to other people's decisions. That's the most frustrating part of this...there is absolutely nothing I can do. I guess I just need time to grieve this....and not try and think ahead to the next plan.

Please, please no one answer back about the birthmother's rights and that it is her decision and I should respect that. I know all that...it's just that.....this whole thing just feels so cruel. Why couldn't she figure out before that she was going to feel emotion holding the baby? Why can't there be a better process? Something seems terribly wrong with this system.

We're getting away for a while to try and once again mourn this loss and figure out where we go from here.

Thanks for listening,
KK

[mimc]

(((KK))) I'm so sorry that this placement didn't happen. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see and hold a child and then not be able to complete the adoption.

I wish I had words that could comfort you.

[mommy3]

KK -- I feel your sadness and pain. No, there are no words that really help. You've come so far each time and just you can decided how to allow yourself to grieve again. In my heart, I do hope that you can go through your deep pain and still stay with your dream of adoption, but that's not for me to say at all. I'm just so sad for you. With much support, susan

[Hopefull]

I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain in your post and I just want to say that I am thinking of you tonight and I'm wishing your pain away. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. God Bless. Rene

[ALI143]

I am so sorry for your loss and your families loss. I hope you get a peaceful restful time to mourn and make decisions.

[KKinCA]

Mimc, Susan, Rene and Ali,

Thank you for the thoughts and good wishes. My husband and I are finding our way through. He stayed almost completely emotionally distant this time, as we went through this match situation. Even when we had the baby in the hospital, he held back. I tried, but just couldn't. But, it seems to be helping that we didn't give our hearts away completely. Though I've had an emotional range from very weepy to very angry, I am at least functional, which is progress from our last failed situation.

I received an interesting call from the Dr. who delivered the baby. He just wanted to let me know how sorry he was, and to share that he was an adoptive parent who had endured two failed situations before going on to two successful adoptions. I so appreciated his call. He also said that he occasionally gets last minute situations where mothers decide at birth or just after to choose adoption, and that he would call us if that happened.

So, we're keeping ourselves busy with projects right now. Though I didn't feel this way Wednesday, I think that we're leaning toward continuing with both our agency and our attorney looking for the right situation for us (preferably last minute or baby already born).

Again, thanks for your kind words. Your messages helped me. All the best to you all!

KK

[ess922]

Hi KK,

First I want to offer my sympathy for both of your recent losses. I'm an adoptive mom and can only imagine how painful both of these failed situations must be for you.

I read back to your first post and then all the way through to today. I just wanted to point out something to you (others may have already said this but I think its worth repeating).

You had good instincts with both situations. With the first, you said in your first call pbmom sounded "unstable." If you can think back to what you meant by "unstable" -- maybe you sensed something there. And with this latest situation, throughout you said you didn't feel connected to pbmom and in one post you even said that you didn't think she'd go through with the adoption plan.

It is so hard to trust our instincts when we are in the waiting process. And as you said, after your first failed experience you couldn't tell if your doubts were warranted or a result of your pain.

But I just wanted to offer the idea that as you move forward with trying to find another match -- listen to your inner voice. If a situation does not feel right to you, honor that feeling. Your inner voice is your guide and I don't believe it will fail you or steer you wrong.

With our son's birthmom, no one thought it would happen (least of all our atty). But I felt in my heart as I sat in that empty room that THIS particular baby boy would become our son and we would become his parents. Even though intellectually there was little reason to hope, something inside me (my inner voice I guess) told me that this adoption would come to be and it did.

I hope that you have all the time and space you need to grieve these losses. And ultimately I hope you are blessed to become parents through a successful adoption!

My thoughts are with you. -Ellie

[mommy3]

KK -- I'm still feeling so much of what you wrote in your last note. I've had 5 miscarriages and I believe that a failed adoption feels so much the same. Of course, we each cannot compare our pain, but we do, each, understand. I'm glad that my words helped a little. At this point, to already feel you might stay on board and wait for the right baby and right situation is very hopeful. When we waited for our ds (our first adoption, following the miscarriages), I felt broken. Once he was with me, it made sense. That's very simple-minded, but it's how I felt. As a mother, I could bear what I needed to in order for my children to be with us. The losses still hurt, but my son helped me be able to understand.

May you move forward, KK, and may your child be born soon. Stay strong -- or may you find your way back to strength. susan

[kune]

KK
What can be said at times like this? I feel for your and your family, and hope somewhere, somehow in the coming days, you will find peace and closure.
You are in my prayers

Ann

[Teekay74]

I recently went thru a similar situation. Formed a relationship w/ birthmom- saw baby at hospital. B-mom was always very reassuring. Well we brought our little boy home from the hospital. Had him w/ us for 2 days. She changed her mind. It was sooo hard. But what I have found that helps is talking about it a lot. Trying to forgive. Sometimes are easier than others. Also- moving on. It sounds like your doing that. I have switched my focus on International adoption. So that has kept me pretty busy paperwork and all. now I see an end. It is ways off- but it's there. Its hope. good luck to you.

[KKinCA]

It has been months since I've posted. After our last failed, even though we were still pursuing, we eased off and had the attitude of "if it will happen, it will happen, but meanwhile we have to live our lives and not wait in limbo constantly". Well, I have GREAT news to report! A month ago we got a call from our attorney. Short story is that now we have our precious little 18 day old girl with us. Best news is...Relinquishments were signed 4 days after birth!!! She's amazing!! We named her Piper Sabrine. We are still pinching ourselves that it has truly happened! If this one had failed, my husband and I were pretty much in agreement that we just couldn't go on trying after all our heartache. So, to all who have experienced failures, disappointments and many, many tears, I wanted to share our happy ending, and hopefully offer some hope. I was beginning to think it just wasn't meant to be...and now here she is! Best wishes to all.
Karin

[kelceesmom]

So many of us know the pain you are feeling. We brought home twin girls and 7 days later the mom changed her mind. We were devastated to say the least. One thing we did get from the experience was that adoption was the right thing for us. You have to grieve the loss but look to the future. We still wonder how the girls are doing and pray that they are safe but we have a beautiful 1 year old now and know this is what He had planned for us. Take care of yourself.

[jameyevans]

I am so sorry about your loss. Keep your head up!!

[StorkWatcher]

KK - I just read your last post - congratulations on your baby girl! I am so glad you stayed with your adoption plan!!!!

It's the most wonderful thing int he world isn't it? It's amazing that one tiny being can create and share so much joy!!!!

[AMom2Two]

((KK)))

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

I went thru 2 failed placements before our second child arrived. I'm so happy that you finally have the right child with you. Her name is beautiful. Isn't it great to know that the papers are all signed and you can relax and enjoy her without the fear. That fear is awful to have to live with.

Congratulations! How is she sleeping for you?

((hugs))