[Seamless]

KK,

Seems like you are taking a good approach.
I have dropped out of the conversation for a couple of months because it was to difficult to re-hash such a painful subject. Proceed with caution and trust your instincts. Let the pbm know that you are excited about the adoption prospect but that she needs to be true to her heart. If she can't put the child up for adoption, that fine, it is better to know now rather than later.
Have you considered a potential foster placement until the legal risk period is over and would that be something that you could use to initiate conversation with the pbm? Not to force her hand but to help her understand that without a clear unwaivring commitment from her that you need to protect yourself. Just an idea.
My prayers are with you.
Curtis

[cathy102]

I guess I don't know what to say. The thing with Adoption that we all know is that it's a Legal Risk until they sign the paper work. How do you ask a mom if she is 100% for sure about the the adoption plan? She can't make that decision until after the baby is born. That has to be one of the most hardest things for a person to go through and if they want to place their baby. You and I will NEVER know what they go through. I still remember after Lexi's birthmom signed the paper work and we went in there a few minutes later. She cried so hard. I felt so bad for her. I will never forget those tears she shed. It seems like you are willing to take the chance with her even though you don't feel right about something. I wish you all the best of luck. Maybe this one is right but your guarding your heart and not wanting to get upset if it doesn't work out.. You just have to trust God...

You will be in my prayers..

[Hopefull]

KK, I wish you the best of luck in this situation. It's so hard to know what to do. With one of our unmatches, I didn't want to see the "red flags" and was truly blindsided when she decided to parent. But I do have good news to tell. My husband and I were getting ready to go on vacation last week, June 21st, and about 20 minutes before we left, our agency called and said there was birthmother who had given birth to a baby girl and she was going to be shown profiles in the hospital and for us not to leave home untill we heard from them. Well 2 1/2 hrs later we got the call to go get our girl! She was 15 hrs old when we met her. Unfortuatley we did not get to meet her birthmother, but hope to in the future. She signed all papers 2 days later. I just want to say that you never know what is just around the corner. To everyone waiting "don't give up" and "keep the faith". It happened in the blink of an eye. Take Care Rene

[Poolside]

Although I was all ready to reply to KK: Hopefull: I just read your great news!! OMG.. That is so wonderful, you have a new daughter!! It's an amazing and beautiful thing
KK: You are on the right track by identifying what it is that is making you nervous about this placement. It sounds like your PBmom might need to talk to with someone openly (like a pregnancy councellor) and have them communicate back to you what she is feeling. If she is just shy and just has a hard time communicating, this might put you at ease. OR, conversely, will highlight any red-flags. As for your out of pocket expenses you've started, our second PBMom, later birthmom, used state medical coverage, and the adoption agency paid her other expenses while she was in councelling. We didn't actually spend anyting until we took DD home. We were still "at risk" for 6-months, but it was all post-birth. I also agree with Senoke' if you are a person of faith, trust in God, as well as your instincts. She'll have this baby with or without financial support. If she is sending off vibes that she is not really making an adoption plan, but trying to please her ex..hopefully someone can help her discover and articulate what is going on. Prayers and hugs to you.

[cathy102]

Rene...What great news... Congrats on your new little girl...

[SadieAnn]

KK,

I've been following your thread and am sending my prayers and good thoughts your way. I can totally appreciate your concerns. Also when you spoke about re-organizing the baby room it brought tears to my eyes. We had a failed placement last winter after parenting a son for 5 wks. About 3 mos later we had a fast match, BUT the tpr drags on for 9 wks. So all that time we were loving our 2nd child fearing another failure. My heart was a MESS.

First as excited as we were about the birth of the 2nd baby, it was very hard to clear up the nursery and prepare for a new baby. Then the tpr dragging on was the worst.

We had lots of love and support from so many. But nothing took the fear away. How can it? Once a person has had such a hard loss, you can't help but be that much more cautious/concerned.

All I can say is as bumpy as our 2nd match was it all worked out in the end. TPR is over (we are surging forward to finalization) and the knowledge that the 10 wk old baby boy soundly sleeping in the next room is OURS!

I pray that you've been through the worst and now this is the best!!! (((hugs)))

[KKinCA]

Hi all, thanks so much for the responses. It really helps to have so many caring people sending thoughts and good wishes. SadieAnn--congrats on the baby---what a road you've been down, and how terrific it is that this one is working out!! Renee--super news! I'm so happy for you, and this gives us all hope that the process can and does work! Poolside--good advice on the counseling...we're going to pursue that. We did say up front via our attorney that we'd cover some living expenses..she does have insurance, so that eases our burden some. Curtis--thanks for the insight, and your courage to come back to this board even though it has brought back the painful memories. My husband and I have agreed that if she doesn't sign relinquishment w/in a few days, we'll place the baby in foster care...our attorney is in agreement. We're even thinking that until she signs, we may not come home with the baby, tempting as it is. If she's not going to sign, we don't want to have the memories of the baby here, we'd rather be with family or in a hotel until all is settled. Senokee--I'm so sorry for your loss. Every day seems to bring fresh pain, doesn't it? I'm so hoping for success for you soon.

Well, while I was gone traveling this week (for my work), my husband decided to call our pbm to see how she was doing. They got together for lunch, then drove to the beach to take a walk (we live in LA). He said she was still quiet, but much more relaxed and open away from the pbf. She shared that her mother was 20 when she had her, and is pleased she's going with adoption. Her mom apparently was never able to finish college, never had any support from our pbm's father...and has always worked 2+ jobs to support her daughter. She is giving our pbm lots of support to go through with the adoption. This helps to know! With our last situation, the **'s mother was pressuring her to keep the baby. Her mother would also like to meet us, which we've agreed to do. Odd that her mom is my age!!

So, I still retain my "this isn't going to work out" attitude...but am a little more relaxed and hopeful after their visit this week. Just 9 more weeks to wait.

Again, my thanks to all for the feedback. Being on this board has been so helpful to me.

Wishing the best to us all in our future pursuits, and my congratulations to all who've had successful adoptions...this is what continues to give me hope.

KK

[mimc]

Hi KK,

That's great to your husband was able to chat with her without the pbf. Sometimes people are more comfortable opening up without a bunch of other people around.

I think it's a good sign that her mom is very supportive of the plan. If p-bmom has seen firsthand what it's like to raise a child with little or no support, then she may have a realistic idea of what raising a child as a young, single woman will be like. When will you meet her mom?

Hang in there - nine weeks is not that long!

[Praying2Adopt]

Hi KK~
I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this. Having lived through a failed adoption after our baby was home with us was very hard on me too. I was absolutely devastated to say the least.
We ended up taking a year off and then we pursued IVF again only to lose our babies. That is when it all hit me again. I knew that I was being told something from up above so I took a backseat and handed it over to The Lord.
We did have two more failed adoptions but the children did not get placed with us first. So I guess you call it a failed match. We did end up adopting our beautiful daughter and when they placed her in my arms I was the happiest woman in the whole world.
No words I say can make you feel any better during these hard days ahead but know that you will make it through it and emerge stronger from it. Do not give up on your dream!
My warmest regards to you.

[KKinCA]

I haven't posted for a while...the waiting period has been tough to get through and and I have found it easier to not focus on the potential adoption, as there is nothing really I can do to affect the outcome. We've stayed in touch with her, but have not become too involved, which is what I think both of us wanted.

She is slated to be induced Tuesday morning, very early. Everything is as hopeful right now as it can be...of course who knows how she will feel when she sees the baby. My husband and I still have no emotions regarding this. I know it continues to be self protectionism, but it feels a little odd.

I'd appreciate any good thoughts sent our way in the next few days as we witness the birth, and then hold our breath until she signs the relinquishment. She's a lovely young woman with a terrific mom and step dad. We will be very happy to have them as part of our lives, as this is an open adoption. I'm having such flashbacks, though, to the last experience, and I'm hoping the staff at this hospital is accepting and understanding of our own situation (last time it was a nightmare).

All good wishes out there to those of you who are waiting, those of you who are grieving (we still are, even as we live through this new experience), and those of you who've been successful in your journey through this process.

KK

[senokee]

Dear K.K.
My heart and prayers will be with you and your husband, ask God to put it into his hands, I know you are so afraid of the birthmom changing her mind, but have you really spoken with her and her mom and stepdad on how you feel? That you are so afraid of this happening again and getting your hearts broken.The time is here for that beautiful little angel and we will keep good thought and praying for you. Please post and let us know. I won"t forget, we know how much a baby means and we still miss our little boy, he was 8 months old on the 17th, we have days harder than others, but as I said put it into Gods hand, that"s all we can do.God Bless.
senokee

[mommy3]

KK -- your news is really exciting -- this is getting so close, so no matter what, you'll know soon. I completely understand, as we just had a failed match way at the end of the pbmom's pregnancy (so it felt like a failed adoption) and now we are already in a situation that looks very hopeful -- and it's hard to feel hopeful. We have a 3 mos. wait and I hope I begin to feel more assured by then!

For you, YOU ARE ALMOST THERE. Hang on -- most likely, this will work out. The waiting is so very hard and you've done most of it now! Tuesday will be here so soon. . . wonderful wishes, susan

[kune]

KK and others -
I'm butting in here - I'm a 52 year old birthmother/grandmother from the closed era, but have been reading the thread and respectfully, feel I can offer my perspective of the pbmom's behaviour or body language.

At 8 months the hormones are really kicking in and she is getting close to the end where she has to make that final decision. Maybe....she is preparing herself emotionally for relinquishing the baby. Maybe she, like you, does not want to become emotionally attached and is in a battle with herself. Maybe she is grieving for what she will miss with her daughter, or maybe grieving for what could have been with her partner. And maybe she is just plain scared. Scared that she won't be able to place. Or scared of the grief after she places. Scared of the future.

She does need support. After the birth there wont be a day go by that she doesn't think of her child and wonder if she made the right decision. It's a catch 22 situation - someone is always hurt and it's in the hands of the God's who that someone is. If I was to suggest anything it would be to connect with her woman to woman. Find some time to be alone with her and try to find a way into her heart so you know how she is feeling inside. Hopefully you will find your answers.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Ann

PS: I chose to place 35 years ago. I was not coerced and I have always believed, and still do, that adoption was the right choice for my child and I, at that time. We had very few options. I applaud any woman in todays "quick-fix" world who carries a child full term and makes the decision to relinquish. Todays mothers are spoilt for choices...yet some, like your pbmother, choose for their child, life and a loving adoptive family.

[shoeshopping]

Quote: I know you are so afraid of the birthmom changing her mind, but have you really spoken with her and her mom and stepdad on how you feel? That you are so afraid of this happening again and getting your hearts broken.

I think sharing this information may bring undue stress upon the pbmom and her family. She may feel pressured to place. Being the date of inducement is so close, I would just be patient and wait it out.

I will be thinking about this and hope everything works out!

[KKinCA]

Thanks Senokee, Mommy3, Kune and Shoeshopping for your responses. Our pbm is aware of the details of our last failed adoption, and I know she must have some idea of our anxiety. We've chosen not to dwell on it when we talk to her. I can use other means to let those feelings out (family, friends, agency, this board...). I don't think that reiterating to her how scared we are she'll change her mind will serve any good. She'll either relinquish or she won't, is how I think of it, and in the end, it won't have anything to do with how my husband and I feel. Nothing to do now but wait...my husband and I have scheduled a lot to accomplish today to try and help pass the time. We'll head up to a hotel near the hospital tonight (only about 50 miles from our house, but we want to be close). It's LA and you never know how the traffic will be!

I so appreciate all the kind words. Mommy3...best of luck enduring your wait. Let's hope 3 months passes quickly... Kune, thanks for sharing your perspective from a bmother point of view.

Hopefully the next news I have to share will be HAPPY!

KK