[cathy102]

KK...You should start a journal about your feelings. One day you can look back and see what you have been through. Wow!!! A meeting tomorrow. I hope all goes well. You never know if this is the baby for your family but I understand you keeping your distance. You will have a child, someday. Just remember that. I thought I would NEVER be a mom and now I have 2 kids 15 months apart that keep me sooooo busy.... They can be little stinkers at times but so worth the wait...

Please let us know how things go... PM me if you ever need to chat...

Hugs!!!!

[Hopefull]

KK that is so wonderful!!! I will be sending good thoughts your way. I understand what you mean about being guarded with your feelings. I think that is how we protect ourselves from being hurt again. This sounds like a good situation and I've got my fingers crossed for you! Take Care Rene

[Poolside]

I sure hope you have a great day/meeting!! Do let us know how things are going. You'll be amazed how much different a smooth match and placement goes compared with your first experience. I'm praying for you and yours! Good luck

[cathy102]

I am so curious how things went... Can't wait to hear.. Please post as soon as you can...

[stacykelly]

After reading your post my heart goes out to you.We were so blessed to meet the birthmom of our precious angel.We now have a beautiful baby 2 months old now.Like you,we were present for all the doctor's appointments and even the delivery.The birthmom was wonderful and she will forever hold such a part of our hearts.We thank God everyday that our paths crossed.But, now the possible biological father wants the baby if its his.As you know this will literally break our hearts...this guy knew the plans of adoption,and did nothing.Now we are just waiting for him to be served.We all go into adoption knowing there are always risk.But we always felt that taking that risk is something we would always do in order to hopefully one day get to adopt a baby.The birthmom and us still communicate and we have become good friends.The birthmom wants the baby to remain with us,but we know that its not all in what the birthmom wants.The hardest part is this baby has been with us for 2 months now.We pray to God everyday that this baby will remain with us.We love this baby like our very own,and I cannot even imagine waking up one day ....and the baby is not there.Crying is something now that comes naturally...I get chocked up even talking about our situation.It is extremely painful.I just try and keep one thing in my mind...we were there when this baby needed us...and that is all we can do.We cherish everyday we get to spend time with this baby...because we just do not know what the ending will be.We keep praying and feel God has a plan for everyone...we just hope God's plan is for this baby to stay with us.May God Bless You and I hope you find some peace...

[ilenewatson]

I just wanted to touch on your post about not feeling connected with the baby. I am an adoptive mother to three children, two boys, 4 and 5, and a baby girl, 8 months. Luckily we have never had to endure a failed adoption, and I thank God every day for that. With our daughter we were matched with her birthmom at seven months along and I went to every doctor's appointment, went and visited with her at her mom's house, met her half-sister, and spent a great deal of time with her. In all that time, I never felt a connection to the baby and I kept telling everyone, "If it's meant to happen then it will," but I really wasn't setting my heart on anything yet. The birthmother kept telling me, "I know for a fact I won't change my mind. I know this is the right thing to do and I know I want my baby with you." Even though she told me this every time I saw her, I still couldn't in my heart believe it. Of course, she made the courageous decision to place Asia with us, and now we have a wonderful open adoption.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if I had these feelings and I've never been through the agony of a failed adoption, then your feelings are completely valid and normal. When you finally have that baby, the right baby for you, in your arms with a finalized adoption, all the waiting and stress will seem like a distant memory. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[KKinCA]

Hi all,
Thanks for the concern & hope for us. Our lunch w/the couple was interesting. They seem to just want to hang out with us, and there is very little talk about the baby. He still seems like the more interested and open one, and she is very, very quiet. She apologized a few times and said she was very tired.

She is a server at a restaurant, and she was telling me that all the customers want to talk to her about the pregnancy, touch her stomach, etc... (at 6 months, she's big!). I asked her how she felt, and if she talked about adoption to anyone, and she said no, just a few select people. I'm feeling some hesistation from her...not about us, I think...but about the adoption in general. I guess its to be expected, but it is not making me very hopeful, especially considering what we've been through.

But, despite this, they said they wanted to come see us at our house. They were anxious to try and make it this week, since my husband and I are going away for a long weekend Thursday night. They rearranged their work schedules, and they are coming for a visit Thursday morning! I know they like us, and I think intellectually they're ready to match...but I do suspect she's having conflicts right now about whether or not to keep the baby. So, we'll see how Thursday goes, and we're hoping that maybe they'll be a little more free to talk about the baby, and hopefully talk frankly about where they're at. My attorney told me to try and just relax and wait it out. She doesn't want to push for a match too soon, and thinks that if she calls the pbmom, she may pressure her. In her mind, the longer they take to decide, the safer we are...that they change their mind before we go much further or start with the financial help. We'll see!

StacyKelly---gosh, my heart goes out to you. I can certainly say I know how you are feeling and it is such a tough place to be, not knowing how to feel or what the future holds. All good wishes and thoughts are headed your way

Ilene, thanks for the encouraging words.

One final note...as we prepare for their visit, we're clearly getting the baby room cleaned up. We've pretty much had the door closed since we lost the baby. It is an odd feeling going through his things, taking his photos out of the holders, trying to minimize the "boy looking" things (this baby is a girl). It is a hard thing to kind of erase his presence from the room, but I know it is necessary - yet it feels weird. It is like that 24 hour period when we lost him has been frozen...everything just where we left it, in the middle of such normal activities. Yikes...just one more thing to process.

Again thanks to all & Cathy, I'll try to post sooner after our Thursday meeting

KK

[Hopefull]

KK I'm so glad things are moving ahead for you! I'm so excited for you and your husband. Thanks for sharing all of the details. It makes my wait a little easier to hear your story. Take Care Rene

[KKinCA]

Hi all,
Well our pbparents came to visit today. They wanted to see where we lived and to talk more. Net result is that they told us they wanted to move forward and match with us. While it is positive, I have serious concerns about the pbmother. She let her (now ex)boyfriend do all the talking, and she was extremely quiet (again). Her body language said a lot...she was rigid and didn't look us in the eye that often. She didn't look happy at all, and she never once said herself that this was what she wanted. I realize I can be easily overreactive and suspicious given what happened to us...but I also know I have to trust my instinct.

We have left a message with our attorney, and I will convey my concerns to her. We will be happy to match with this couple, and the baby is due in September, so its not a terribly long match....BUT...I can't go through another failed adoption. If she hasn't truly made up her mind about being comfortable with placing her child, then I clearly want to know now. She knows about what we went through before, and I'd like to believe that she wouldn't knowingly be leading us into the same situation, but this is only a person we've met 3 times. I suspect she's getting a lot of pressure from her ex-boyfriend. But, she does say that her mother told her she'd be supportive no matter what she chose...so it sounds like she has options if she wants to parent. So, if she does have a choice to parent...I'm hoping she really does want to choose adoption, but is just working through the emotions. Or, perhaps she's just a very quiet, shy, socially uncomfortable person...hard to say.

So, I'm left feeling confused and untrusting. Perhaps this is just how its going to be until (or if) we get her signature. Now its just our choice to understand if we're willing to put ourselves at risk, both emotionally and financially. She wants to start the financial assistance soon.

Well, we're headed out for a long weekend...so some time for us to think. I'll try and sign on a few times, so if anyone has any instincts or advice about this one...I'd appreciate all thoughts!

Thanks!
KK

[tobeafamily]

K,

It sounds like a red flag that she's not committing - not sending any positive verbal or nonverbal signals to that point. This woman has not looked you calmly in the eye and said, clearly and definitely, Yes, I want you to be the parents of my child. Are you willing/able to offer her some one-on-one counseling? May not be a bad idea.

As for the 'hanging out', we were much the same way with Ryan's bfamily, though it was very comfortable for all of us and we did talk about her pregnancy, etc. often.

My thoughts are this:

You do not have to 'match' or 'connect' with this couple now. I think in your heart you don't quite believe that this woman has committed to this adoption plan, and that's fair of you to believe. I don't think you're being overly sensitve or unreal about this. So take your time.

If it were me, I'd tell them gently that we'd like to give them a little more time and space to be sure this is the right plan for them. I'd offer them counseling and reassure them that this does not mean we're not interested in parenting their child, more that you want them to be sure that's what they want. I would not offer any other financial assistance until you're sure they're committed.

Just my 2 1/2 cents.

Regina

[cathy102]

KK...

Enjoy your trip...

I have to tell you that Lexi's birthmom was the same way. We got matched and we didn't even talk on the phone. She told the SW that we WERE the couple. A few days later we had a conference call with T, the SW, hub and I. I swear we were talking on the phone for 1 1/2 hour and T didn't say more than a few sentences.. She is a VERY SHY and private person. I didn't ask one thing about the baby, just how she was feeling...My focus was on T and not the baby. I wanted her to know that I care for her.

We went to CA 1 week later to meet her. She brought her friend with her for support. Her friend did most of the talking. We spent 3 days with them and it was WONDERFUL!!!!

Our Adoption went just fine. She gave birth 6 weeks after we were matched. We didn't make it to the birth of Lexi and she thought we were not showing up.. Poor girl...

I would say you need to take your trip and think about this situation. I wouldn't want to be matched for a long time. Regina's idea was good. You would hate for the potienal birthmom to really want to keep her baby and you fork out alot of money if THAT is not want she wants. I wonder if the guy is just putting alot of pressure on her??? Hope this made sense...

My prayers are with you and the potienal birthparents...

[mimc]

Hi KK,

I just read through this thread and wanted to say that I'm very sorry for the failed match you've been through.

It may be that this young woman in your new situation is very shy, or it could be that she's not committed to an adoption. Is it possible for you to speak to her alone, away from her ex-boyfriend? Perhaps away from him, she might be willing to admit that she's not prepared to place (if that is the case).

You said that her coworkers touch her stomach a lot and talk about her pregnancy. Think for a moment about how that must feel. She is having a baby that she may not raise. Remember how lost you felt when you had a baby in your arms and had to return him and then explain to everyone what happened? If she places, she'll go through the same thing, but she'll have to explain to everyone who has touched her stomach and commented on her pregnancy that, no, she chose not to bring the baby home.

Adoption is viewed very positively by society, and yet, for some reason, birth parents are not. There is an attitude in this country that while adopting is great, only a terrible person would "give her baby away." KWIM?

Perhaps her behavior at your meetings indicates that she's being pressured. Perhaps it just indicates that she's dealing with a lot of emotions right now and may not be able to deal with them. I agree with Regina that she definitely needs some one on one counseling. Hopefully once that happens, you can either go forward with the match with confidence or step back now before you get too involved.

Sorry this is so long. Keep us posted!

[Hopefull]

KK I hope you have a nice relaxing weekend. I think talking to your lawyer is a good idea. He has probably talked to lots of pbmothers and can get a better read on the situation. You've been through a bumpy road so far. Hang in there and don't give up on the situation. Best of luck Rene

[KKinCA]

Hi all,
Well, we're moving forward with the "match" with our young couple. I have such odd emotional reactions to this situation. We are hopeful, we've begun the financial assistance, yet I have this feeling that it isn't going to happen. I feel as if I'm torn between trusting my instinct (that the b'mom doesn't really want to go through with the adoption) and trying to understand how much of my feelings are just self-protective measures. It is very confusing. But, my husband and I feel that the situation has enough positive potentials to go ahead and move forward. Our motto of "Its just money" keeps us going, and neither of us feel any emotional connections as of now.

It is odd, because with our last match...we were so connected with the b'mom. We saw her weekly, went to dr. appts, talked to her constantly. This pbmom doesn't seem to want a lot of contact. Clearly our first situation didn't end well, so I think I should be welcoming a different kind of situation, but it feels SO removed.

All we're trying to do now is focus on our current life, make the most of every day, do the things we want, and try not to worry about the future. If September 8th (her due date) comes around and she changes her mind, then yes, we're out money...but if we can preserve our emotional well beings (maybe I'm just fooling myself), then I think we can make it through another disappointment. I go to the baby's room now maybe a few times a week and try to envision what it would be like with a baby girl here, but I can't seem to feel anything, can't visualize that its going to happen.

Anyone have some insight? Should I be trusting my instinct that this isn't going to happen...or maybe just accept that I'm not objective enough to really know...if anyone can ever really know.

Sorry if I'm being repetitive in these messages...perhaps I need to just try and not focus on it, since there is nothing practical I can really do right now.

Thanks for listening....
KK

[senokee]

Dear KK,
We hope that all will go fine with this birthmom, but if you getnthe feeling that she is not sure of the adoption plan then maybe you can talk to her and the attorney and let them know how she is coming across to you, I would go with my gut feeling, instinct sometimes is the best, sometimes we just know inside things are not going right, even after we have been assured over and over. We wish you the best and that all goes fine and that you will bring your little baby home in Sept. We are hoping and praying for you.Tomorrow our little boy will have been gone from us 2 months.I think if you don"t feel right about this birthmom, then look for another, it may set you back a little bit of time in getting your baby but you want to feel reassured , ask God to guide you in the right direction. You may e-mail me if you like.God Bless-Senokee