[KKinCA]

Janet, "Runner", Casey, Katie, Terrie, Anina, Susan, Melissa, Rene, Melissa and HeatherDawn,

I so appreciate you all sharing your stories. It does help to know what feels like just our private grief has been experienced by others....and that you're all pushing through the tough times to get to the better days ahead.

My really bad days do seem fewer and fewer, although many days I seem to just function in kind of an automated way.

We've had two contacts from birthmothers, but neither were right for us...so we've now gone for over a month with no contact at all, which is discouraging. I'm trying not to feel like I'm living a life in limbo...to just enjoy what I have right now...but it's hard, and feels relatively shallow compared to our intense three weeks as parents.

Our birthmother who took the baby back contacted us by email about a month ago. I was so angry with her (again) as she didn't even mention the baby. She is completely self-centered and misses the attention from us. I think the reality of her situation is hitting her, and she was desperate to reach out. We didn't respond to her, although I have written her a letter which depicts all my feelings about what happened. I feel as if she actively deceived us through the process in order to have a chance of keeping her boyfriend. There are so many manipulative, cruel things she did and said that we just put up with in order to continue the match. I haven't sent it, because I don't really think it will have any effect on her...so I'm not sure what the point is. It would probably make me feel better to know I "had my say"...but for some reason I keep not sending it. Did any of you have any final communication with the birthmother after the failed adoption?

I know I just need to move on...and I'm trying, but some days it just all comes back and I can't believe this happened. As far as finding the good in the situation...I'm not there yet at all, and I don't feel like I will be for a while. I've never been a very angry person, and I've always believed the best in people. To be so deceived and hurt has been tough, and I wonder if we'll be able to enter into another match situation, or if I will always be too distrustful. I guess time will tell...

Again, thanks to all for your responses and kind words.

KK

[Casey677]

KK, It sounds like you are starting to heal. Eventually, the good days will out number the bad. As for your letter, I am not sure it would do any good to send it. It might be better to just try to move on.

We also felt very manipulated and used by our little guy's mom. She always had some big crisis we had to fix. I also think that she used us as a way to pay her bills and get CPS off of her back. The agency, lawyers, and social worker all felt the same way. It was very hard. She called the agency a few times after we left to come home saying that she wanted to talk to us and that she didn't think that she could parent after all. The agency told her that she had the lawyer's phone number. If she seriously couldn't do it then she should call the lawyer and we would be on the next plane. She never did. We never spoke to her again. There were many times when it killed me not to pick up the phone and call because I wanted so badly to know how he was doing..... but for my sanity, I couldn't.

We have a had a pretty tough time since all this happened in October. In December, we were so anxious for a little one that we left our selves vulnerable to become the victims of an emotional scam. We wasted two months of our lives dealing with her. Since then, we seem to have put up a wall and we have turned down a lot of situations. We are scared. Last night I talked to an expectant mom and I really like her!!! However, she isn't due until October and that scares me.

I hope that you are able to find peace soon.... that we both will.

Hugs,
Casey

[HeatherDawn]

KK,

The anger your feeling, I felt similiar anger and so did my husband. We were caught up in a boyfriend girlfriend battle...our girl gave her baby up to play on her boyfriends emotions, then there was a call to her by him per our SW and he asked her if the court date had happen and she told him that it had and to leave her alone....then he called the SW and she told him the truth and then he called the Bmom back and begged her to get their baby back...in the hospital he tried to talk her out of putting their baby up for adoption but when asked if he help take care of her he said "no, I don't know anything about babies and my parents can't find out about this". I guess he laid in the hospital bed begging her not to give her up but didn't want to be a parent either. She had a son already that was 5 yrs old, not by him...they both went to college...so she had her on a Friday and left the hospital the next day. So any rate, the day the SW came to my home in person to deliver the news about us having to return our daughter I remember it like it was yesterday. I try hard not to think about it, to this day I can't believe it happened, my dream became a nightmare in seconds...I wasn't feeling well that day, my husband asked if I wanted to hold the baby, I was coming down with a horrible cold and I looked at him and said "No" he joked with me and said "ahhh, mommy doesn't want to hold you", I got mad and told him " I hold her constantly, I never put her down, but I am not feeling well and she will be just fine if you put her in her bassinet"....after that he went to home depot to get crown molding for her room, I went and laid down on our bed...there was a knock on the door, I thought it was my mother in law, I yelled for her to come in (nice, how tacky) they knocked again, I got aggravaited and yelled louder...I heard a shuffle in the kitchen, I went into the kitchen and jumped back a bit because I was surprised to see the SW, I said "oh, I thought you were my M-in-law, are you here to see the baby" she said yes, I took her to the bassinet, I was looking down at our daughter and I said, "isn't she beautiful" I looked up at her and she had this look on her face I will never forget, and she proceeded to tell me that the bmom wanted her baby back....I will never forget the extreme horror, the extreme displacement I felt, everything in my life meant nothing, was nothing.... I will not go into everything else but lets just say we had 24 hours left to be with her and it was like a funeral home in our house.... that night my husband and I wrote letters to the bmom and bfather, we each wrote our own, my was four pages long front and back , his was two...we voiced a lot in these letters, we don't know if they ever read them, we also sent her back with two pictures of us with her and the two letters....that helped us heal I think...it helped us have closure...I also hate thinking about the day we had to return her, they were 50minutes late picking her up, we actually were thinking they changed their minds...it ended up being another slap in the face, how could you be late picking up your daughter, how could you, come to find out it was because he had to go to court about a ticket, if i was the bmom I would have left him behind and went and got my baby...

I think maybe you should send the letter, but then again I don't know if you are hoping you will get the baby back and you might be afraid that this will make her angry,,, I am not sure...KK, I am so sorry that you are going through this, I am angry too regarding my situation...sometimes I think I have worked hard to push my feelings away...I haven't walked into my daughters room in over a month...and I am not even sure the diaper gene is empty (that sounds soo bad and I can't believe I wrote that, I am a clean freak) but I am afraid to go in there. when you open that door its like its like a hard punch in the stomach, I told my husband the other day we needed to go in there and check the gene, he just looked at me and said I know, but niether one of us have gone in there to do that...too much to handle.

Looks like I needed to vent today.
Sorry KK.

[jheald]

kk,

I did speak with the bmom about a week after I had returned home, but our situation was completely different so it was the right thing to do for closure on both ends. She felt horrible about dragging me to Chicago for that week and then changing her mind. Logically she knew she wouldn't do that to someone, but once her heart took over during those 72 hours we had to wait for her signature logic was out the door. And I needed her to know that I didn't have any bad feelings towards her for the change of heart. We did talk about the baby too which was hard, but good at the same time.

I am glad you didn't send the letter you wrote. Consider it cheap therapy for yourself! Doesn't sound like your situation requires any response. Might even consider changing your email so she can't reach you any longer.

Good luck in receiving that precious bundle soon! I know it's hard to wait, but you'll be happy you did.

Janet

[senokee]

Dear K.K.
Our hearts go out to you. We just lost our little boy whom we were adopting. He was born dec. Everything was going fine, he was the best little guy. Then we had a vendictive d. o. who filled out my physcians report stating all kinds of untrue things about me, we are definately having another doctor redue the paper. We were not even given a chance, they came with the birthmom and took him, as threy said for only the weekend, the birthmom took off, couldn'T Be found and the time was up for resigning the paperwork, so our little guy has gone into the system, now that the problem is being corrected we sahould be able to continue our adiotion of him. This d.o. was not even my physcian, she would say things to me "like I pron\bally knocked you out of the running for this baby as I have knocked others out from adopting. and so on. Even the social worker kept saying how well he was raken care of.We were done wrong. Our hearts are so sad. He has been gone 24 days now, we had him almost 5 months, and to take him from the mom and dad he has ever know . We will never be the same. We saved so long and prayed for so long and to have this happen We cannot sleep or eat. We are loking for an attorney and have contacted the physcians review board. Hopefully they will do something about this d.o.It is going to be hard to go on without him, we pray that God will protect him always. Has any one ever had a problem such as this and how did you handle it. Maybe someday soon we will be blessed with another baby.

[Seamless]

KK,

Sorry to hear about your situation. We just went through a similar case where the birth mother took the child back after we had him for 5 weeks. He was born on March 23 and taken from us on April 27 2005. I am meeting with the director of the adoption agency to address some of the issues that we had with the support (or lack thereof) provided by them to the birthmother. It felt to us that they left her dangling trying to deal with the grief of the loss with input coming only from the biological father. He was eventually able to wear her down and sway her to take the child back. This is from a woman who has never wanted children and aborted two prior pregnancies (she only found out about this one during the third trimester). The father also has two other children with two other mothers and has no ongoing relationship with the birthmother.

we are only hoping that by meeting with the program director we can prevent this from happening to another adoptive family.



Our thoughts are with you as you deal with your loss


Curtis in Minnesota

[senokee]

Dear Curtis,
I am sorry to hear that you lost your little boy too. It is not right how some Birthmothers and some agencies really play with our heart, not saying all are thatway. But why us. I know that it must of broken your hearts, as whenour little guy was taken from us. Some days we think we are okay and thenbefore long we are crying. I cannot sleep, I see my little Andrew everytime that I close my eyes, I guess God will get us thru this. I hope that when you meet with the director there can be something done, we certainly do not want others to hurt as we have, adoptive parents should have more rights than they have.We wish you the best and we hope to be reading sometime before long that you have been blesed with another baby. God has just the Special little Angel for you.

[Hopefull]

KK, it sounds like you are doing better day by day. (((HUGS))) From reading the postings here, there are so many of us who have been through some pretty tough times. I appreciate all of the sharing we've done here. It personally, helps with my healing. I think we all have our good and bad days and having this "soft place to land" is so comforting. I hope we all can share some good news soon. Best of luck to us all! Rene

[KKinCA]

Casey, HeatherDawn, Janet, Senokee, Curtis and Rene...thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. One can feel so alone when this happens...it is comforting (though heartbreaking!) to know there are others going through the same thing.

Well, we're cautiously optimistic. Our attorney called us last week regarding a potential situation. We met with the birthmother and birthfather this morning for the first time. They're very nice young people (20 and 22)...have already broken off the relationship, but are trying to do the right thing for their baby girl, due in September. It seemed clear that by the end of our breakfast together, he felt good about the situation and was wanting to plan our next get together. She, though, was a little more reserved, and my instinct tells me she still is perhaps wondering if this is the best thing. Our attorney will call her, and hopefully we'll have a better indication from there. We're reserving our emotions as best as we can. We feel as if we just can't be as vulnerable this time around, though risk is inevitable in any situation. We also want to treat this as a fresh, different situation, and not continually project our fears and anger from our failed adoption onto this one. It is a careful balance, I think, between protecting ourselves and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to even try again. I'm sure many of you feel the same way.

Wish us luck...but if this doesn't work out...we're hopeful the right one is ahead (soon!!!). Best wishes for happy endings to us all (and happy days in the waiting process, too!)!

KK

[KKinCA]

To Curtis...
I'll be curious to hear how your meeting goes (or went, as the case may be) with the agency director. We have been so disappointed with our agency - this is why we hired a private attorney in addition to the agency. From what I've learned the hard way, it seems very clear to me that there were steps they could have taken along the way to make our situation different. Perhaps the outcome would have been the same...but maybe we could have been spared just a little of the heartache. I'm so sorry for your loss, and can so completely relate to what you've gone through.

All the best!
KK

[Poolside]

KK: As you've now seen, many of us have been broken hearted and emotionally crushed during our quest to be parents. While reading your post I was reminded that I too wrote our PBmother, her parents, her brother, everyone one we had met. I DID NOT MAIL THEM! It just made me feel better to articulate what I was feeling. I also re-wrote them as my emotions changed over the weeks and months. I also found that I was incapable of speaking without having a meltdown, so writing was healing for me. I'm better now two years later. I have a wonderful daughter that brings me joy. I do however send a donation to the ministry we worked with in celebration of his Birthday. He will forever be in our hearts. Love and God bless. Take time to greive; you've lost a child and that is one of the greatest pains one can experience.

[Hopefull]

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. KK, just curious to know if you are still in contact with the young couple that you met. I hope things are moving along for you. We got two phone calls this month, one this week. The first one was very abrupt. Her baby was already born. I think she had alot more thinking to do about her future. The second one did not feel right and we decided to refer her to our agency. That was not easy, but I think in adoption you have to go with your gut. The right match will come along. Take care, Rene

[cathy102]

KK...I am sorry to hear about your story... I DO believe that there is a baby out there for you. I haven't had a failed match or placement but my heart goes out to you... I say, DON'T send that letter. What's the point? Just keep it and write more to yourself if you have to and you will be better down the road. I wish you all the luck in having a match soon...

((((((Hugs)))))))

[KKinCA]

Poolside & Cathy - I appreciate your advice regarding my letter. I haven't sent it, and my instincts have been telling me not to. The birthmother we were dealing with was awfully unstable, and one of my fears is that it would set her off and the baby would somehow suffer. It also may encourage her to have contact with us, to try and answer to the letter, which I also don't want. It was healthy to write it, and I've done some other writing about what we went through, and I think that will be enough.

Rene - yes, we are still in touch with the young couple. In fact, we're meeting them for lunch tomorrow. The pbmom called our attorney a few days ago and said that they've already decided they want to proceed with a match with us. We also want to move forward, but are not getting our hopes up. She is due in mid-September, so my husband and I feel that if it doesn't work out, then its not that much of a time investment. I don't feel a connection at all to the baby, which I guess is understandable. I know we have to protect ourselves so that we don't become as vulnerable as we were before.

Hopefully all will go well tomorrow, and we'll get to know each other a little better, as it is only our second meeting.

Thanks to all for your thoughts.
KK

[Net933]

I feel for everyone that have experienced failed adoptions. I myself have experienced two failed adoptions all within a few months. BOth times, the ** had the baby early and changed their minds. I truly believe that God has the right child at the right time. I didn't cry because I know that that wasn't the child God has for me. Now if I held the baby and had to return him/her I would cry my eyes out, but my trust in God would still be strong. It's natural for us to feel grief when we don't have the baby we were selected for. But remember we have the baby God has selected for us and no one or thing can change that. Keep praising God in the difficult times, especially when He says not now. He does have the baby for you. I have another match due June 20th. I'm praying for the ** and family. I'm asking God to guide the mom and give her peace. Only God knows what is best. So I don't pray Lord give me this child. I pray if it's you will let the baby come to me. If it's not, give me peace to endure and wait for the child He has for me. When I am weak He is strong. Be patient, keep praying and God will grant you your child and it will be worth the wait.

Net