[GNFrank]

Hi all,

Last November we were to be parents. We'd met the birthparents and they were sure this was the right thing to do. They had other children at home from previous relationships and did not want to start all over again. Sounded good to us.
The girl was born via C section and the birthmother was in the maternity ward. She got to see her baby Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Meanwhile, my wife and I were there Thursday and Friday in the nursery holding our new daughter, talking to her, singing to her and telling her all the things she had to look forward to.
We were figuring she'd be coming home on Saturday. What we didn't know was that some woman (who may or may not have been a nun, no one's quite sure) went in Friday night and "prayed" with the birthmother and when it was over said to the birthmother: "It's so wonderful you're going to get to keep your baby." or something to that affect.
Saturday morning, as we were leaving, the phone rang. It was the agency. Birthmother changed her mind.
I was angry at God, the birthmother, life. I cried immensely and found the agency offered no support. As time went by, I wrote a lot of angry poetry and thought I was through the emotions.
But when my wife brought up adoption again, I fell right back into the anger and complete distrust.
If anyone's been there, done that and has the T-shirt, please offer suggestions on getting through this. I don't want to let my emotions affect the next adoption.
I've thrown myself into writing, reading, playing guitar and all's good until I see a baby girl or someone's older daughter and then...wham! Back into the sadness.
Thank you for listening.

Peace,
Gary . . .

[sinesadopt]

Gary,

My husband and I know the pain that you are going through. We had a little girl in our custody for a week before the birthparents changed their mind and decdided "to TRY to raise her" themselves. I was absolutely devastated. My husband never got really attached to her as he was fighting pneumonia the entire time and did not spend a lot of time with her. He was also trying to stay detached for me becuase he feared that the situation would not work out and wanted to be strong for me. I had a very hard time dealing with the grief and spent a lot of time crying and screaming, especially when we met with our adoption counselor at our agency. I was angry at them becuase things we were told at the time of the failed adoption and things we were finding out later were not the same things and we were very angry.

All I can tell you is that 15 months later we received a call from a birthmother who was due with a little boy and eight weeks after that first call we had a little boy in our arms. Not that the eight weeks was easy by any means. We flew out and met our birthmother two weeks after the first contact and then within the six weeks between the time we met her and our son's due date she "disappeared" three times (moved residences and didn't call us until she needed something). I was constantly on the phone with our counselor (different counselor than previous situation) telling her I could not go forward. That I was afraid of her disappearing and not letting us know when the baby was born. Our counselor was very good and knew of our previous situation and kept telling me to be patient, that she knew our son's birthmother did not want to parent as she had three other children that her mom was raising and she did not live in a stable environment. I am glad that I listened to her, but I went crazy until we received the call that she was in labor.

I know it will be very hard to trust a birthmother again, but you need to try because your baby will find you in God's timing. I still to this day do not understand why we went through what we did with our failed placement, but I know that God knew when our son would be placed with us and that he is our child.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck in the future.

C.L.S.

[AMom2Two]

I am sorry you have experienced this pain. My husband and I went thru 2 failed placements also at birth. It was one of the hardest things I had to overcome. The total sense of loss, the lack of support from family and friends, well meaning advice that hurt even more, statments like, "you have no right to be sad, it wasn't your baby", "I bet God protected you and there was something wrong with that baby", "Well at least you didn't bring him home", even "aren't you glad the bmom changed her mind now instead of missing her child for the rest of her life, it was HER CHILD, not your's."

There is no easy way to get thru it. After our first failed placement I went thru a state of depression until we were matched again. I would cry when I say baby boy items. The same happened after our second failed placement, the crying, the thinking, "I can't do this", sometimes anger at God for trusting in him only to have my heart broken again. It was a very dark and difficult time for both my husband and I. He threw himself into his work, I threw myself onto this forum and the support from everyone really helped me. I remember there was a woman who went thru 9 failed placements. After hearing her story, I was thankful that I was not her. She endured and so could I.

Now that it is behind us and we have a son who was born in Nov, I can honestly tell you that I am so very thankful for each failed placement I had. If not for those, then I wouldn't have him. This little boy truly needed us as his bmother was very young and felt that the best way for her to handle this was to not see him or hold him. He had no one and was left at the hospital. I was the first to hold him, it was my motherly kiss that was the first one he received. Now I look at him, and all the pain is gone and all that is left is contentment, joy and pride.

Hang in there and don't give up. When the journey is behind you and you have your child, all the pain you will have endured will be worth it. You will always think of this little girl, but you will understand, at the end, why she was not meant for you. They say hindsight is 20/20 and it is so true.

I'm wishing you the best. I hope your next match is the one. That is the only thing that will take away the pain, holding your child at the end of your journey.

Hugs,

[jheald]

I sure can relate to your emotions. Our first failed adoption was in May '04. I had traveled to Chicago from Idaho to meet the birth mom, be there for the delivery and have the baby released to me and not foster care. This was all at her request. I had him for three days (in Illinois they cannot sign for 72 hours) before the caseworker phoned to tell me I had to return him. Talk about heartbreaking. I was sad, angry, frustrated...... The only thing that made this situation any easier is that I knew she was a good mom and that for her, this was the right decision. She already had 5 other children and even though she logically knew adoption was the right decision financially, it was not the right decision for her heart.

Having said that, it still made me nervous to just "move forward" in the adoption stuff, but we did. A month later we had another failed adoption. This time it happened within a matter of days and there was no real investment other than the hope of actually bringing that baby home. We then had a couple other situations come up over the next few months and we even turned a few down because of drug and/or medical history. Even that was emotionally hard!

The very end of August we finally succeeded. We received a phone call that the terminations were signed and we were on a plane within two days. We received our sweet boy when he was 5 days old. Holding your own and KNOWING that he/she is going home with you for keeps definitely does help you get beyond the other emotions, but I must admit I still think about baby Jaysen (that was the name we had for him) and wonder how he's doing, what he looks like and things of that nature.

I hope you receive your success story sooner rather than later! As hard as it is, try to remember what a hard decision this is for the birth mom to first choose adoption and then to choose to parent. Having seen it firsthand and actually talk with her through the emotions, helped me become more understanding of the other side. It doesn't make our side any easier when they do choose to parent at the last second and your emotions are valid. Again, good luck to you on your journey to THE child for you.

Janet

[Kmac]

To Gary and everyone else who has shared--

it is soooo painful. What struck me most about your letter is how sensitive you are and how much you loved the baby girl who you only got to see those few days. You will make a wonderful dad.

They say that a tree's roots are about the same size as the branches above. Sometimes I think of grief as the roots of love...when we (and you) finally hold our babies in our arms, we will never ever take them for granted.

Don;t know your backstory, but most of us p.adoptive parents have arrived on this bumpy road after that other long road of infertility. It makes these losses all the more painful.

PLEASE no one flame me for this , or think I am being insensitive to bmoms, but sometimes hearing all about how all the laws favor bio parents just plunges me back into feeling less like a woman because I couldn't have a child. Do any of you other p. a moms feel that way?

So sorry for what you are all going through but hang in there, from what everyone says it does work out and is SO worth it.

[Linny]

I'm so sorry that you and the others have gone through this. We have had similar events...before finding out the adoption was 'off'.
We've adopted many times...and recently have planned to do this again. I can only tell you that I honestly believe God has given us MAINLY situations where our babies were already born. On one, we did have to wait the short waiting time; our last baby was a little older and rights had already been terminated.

As we approach the next placement, we've requested as our first choice, a baby that has already been born. While this doesn't guarantee anything, it takes away the 'closeness' of getting deeply involved with the situation. (We are not advocates of very open adoptions, and so to build a deep relationship with birthparents is not an option for us.)
I also have to say that I do not believe this 'matching' is always the best way to go...and a 'failed placement' is one of the main reasons I say this.

Does this take longer? Yes. Does it have it's drawbacks? Some. But, after some of the nightmares we have endured (as you have).....we just can't take that route anymore.

I hope you find peace and can proceed in your pursuit of another baby. I wish you well.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[SadieAnn]

I posted my full story on the main adoptive parent site.

Gary - I share your pain. We had a baby boy in our home for 5 wks before we had to give him up. I remember before turning to adoption I studied up and was relieved to be reassured that although failures do happen they are not as frequent as the media would have us think. Which I believed. Then we found ourselves in a situation that felt like one of those awful "made for TV movies". The loss feels unbearable at times.

It is so hard to surge ahead. We are going forward, and you should to. But it is hard. The mistrust and anger and fear is there. How can it not be? For me, I so so so rely on the comfort of people who have survived failed adoptions and went on to succeed. Those are the people who encourage us on now. Those are the ones who survived this trauma just as we will survive.

I keep telling myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One small step at a time. And I tell myself that pretty soon we'll be at our next opportunity and hopefully "this time" it will be "our turn".

(((hug)))

[blessedx3]

First I would like to tell all of you how sorry I am at your loss. My dh and I have also suffered a great loss in our adoption journey. We were matched with a wonderful young woman and met with her several times before she gave birth. Baby was born and we talked with mom several times on the phone over the next few days. Both bmom and bdad had surrendered their parental rights which was final in their state. A time was set up for placement, everything went well and bmom placed baby in my arms. What a wonderful day.

Fast Forward~Bmom called and asked if we would give her the baby back!!! I was immediately heart broken because I knew what I had to do. Hearing this young womans crys, I knew there was no way I could parent this baby. It was the most painful experience of my life. I sobbed for days and prayed harder than I've ever prayed. I was so depressed and sad that it scared me. I was completely over whelmed with saddness. It took a good year to heal and I miss her often but we know we did the right thing. I feel so sad for others who have experienced a loss with adoption. Time will heal you and you will continue on the path that is right for you. Take care.

~Maria

[cnelson8611]

I feel somewhat in the wrong place... I'm a bmom about to give a family a great chance to be parents.

Reading all of your stories though made me think that I need to be at least 98% sure about my decision before the due date... because, just as bparents grieve, adoptive parents grieve as well when an adoption fails.
It's not that I've thought about this before, but I always figured that bparents grieved more about the loss.

Here in Nebraska, we have 48 hours after the baby is born to make a final decision before signing papers. After papers are signed, there is no going back.
I will definately continue to think about my decision and make sure it is the right thing to do. In April is when the bfather and I choose the family our daughter will be with... so I have a little more time.
Thank you for sharing your stories.

-I have found a lot of support on this website and have suggested it to others.-

[blessedx3]

cnelson8611~I wish you the very best in this huge decision that is ahead of you.

~Maria

[Melia]

Gary,
I am so sorry you have had a hurtful adoption experience. I can't imagine what that would feel like. But, I do know what it is like to choose adoption for your child. I was 19 yrs old when I got pregnant and decided to place my son for adoption. I went through an agency in Ft Worth TX and found two of the most wonderful people in the world to raise my son. I know I just made that sound like the easiest decision I ever made but it wasn't. I was 7 months along before I decided on adoption. I can't tell you how many hundreds of profiles of adoptive parents I looked at. I can't tell you how many tears I cried. I have had people make it sound like adoption was as easy as taking a bag of clothes down to the GoodWill. It isn't. I didn't just give my son away. I gave him a life i knew I couldn't give him at the time. I am not trying to make excuses for what these birthparents did to you. In my eyes what they did to you was wrong but at the same time adoption just isn't for everyone. Unfortunately some people don't know that until they have already hurt a family who desprately want a child. Please just don't give up. There is a baby and a birhmom or birthparents out there that need you.
Writing this to you has pulled up a lot of painful memories for me. I am 28 now and I still deal with the pain of my son't birthday, mother's day, Christmas and just about any other day that it just creeps up on me for whatever reason. As for the pain you feel right now, have faith that one day a beautiful child will come into your life to ease that pain. I really hope in some way this helps you. Again... Please just don't give up.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Kmac

To Gary and everyone else who has shared--

it is soooo painful. What struck me most about your letter is how sensitive you are and how much you loved the baby girl who you only got to see those few days. You will make a wonderful dad.

They say that a tree's roots are about the same size as the branches above. Sometimes I think of grief as the roots of love...when we (and you) finally hold our babies in our arms, we will never ever take them for granted.

Don;t know your backstory, but most of us p.adoptive parents have arrived on this bumpy road after that other long road of infertility. It makes these losses all the more painful.

PLEASE no one flame me for this , or think I am being insensitive to bmoms, but sometimes hearing all about how all the laws favor bio parents just plunges me back into feeling less like a woman because I couldn't have a child. Do any of you other p. a moms feel that way?

So sorry for what you are all going through but hang in there, from what everyone says it does work out and is SO worth it.

I know that is seems that the laws favor bparents.

But at one time, birthparents had next to NO rights at all. At one time a young woman under 21 could be put in jail and her baby removed form her for no other reason, then she was single. Her parents could sign away her child. She was often lied to about the sex of the child. Or not allowed to see or hold her child.

Bio dads were lied to or not told, by lawyers or agencies. There was a time before DNA when birthfathers really did say she "slept" with the all their friends. At that time very few girls were that way. The girls/women were always blamed while the "dads" were patted on the back with a "way to go fellow".

There were no services for under age single girls/women. No welfare, no wic, no housing, no medical.

So when you are in pain if feels like the bio family has the law on its side. Some of those women are still made to feel you have the law on your side. They are made to feel bad if they change their minds.

I will readliy agree that there are many out there who shouldn't be raising babies. I shake my head when I read or hear about how and what they are doing.

But I hope you can let go of the anger, and know that if you want to parent, someone will help you..

good luck to all still waiting..

Teri

[Volfe]

You could look at is the legal parents have the laws on their side.

Once you are that parent, the law will side with you.
Until then...

Sorry for all the heartbreak, but sometimes looking at a view from a different perspective really helps.

Maia

[Dreamsofchild]

Cnelson I am an adoptive mom in Nebraska. Hope all has gone well for you. Did you place or are you parenting? Whichever how are You doing? If you did place is this an open adoption? And were the adoptive parents to be in Nebraska or another state? Feel free to email me at Terrie37@aol.com
Take care
Terrie mom to 4, and hoping for one more.

[hrtbrokn2]

Originally Posted by GNFrank

Hi all,

Last November we were to be parents. We'd met the birthparents and they were sure this was the right thing to do. They had other children at home from previous relationships and did not want to start all over again. Sounded good to us.
The girl was born via C section and the birthmother was in the maternity ward. She got to see her baby Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Meanwhile, my wife and I were there Thursday and Friday in the nursery holding our new daughter, talking to her, singing to her and telling her all the things she had to look forward to.
We were figuring she'd be coming home on Saturday. What we didn't know was that some woman (who may or may not have been a nun, no one's quite sure) went in Friday night and "prayed" with the birthmother and when it was over said to the birthmother: "It's so wonderful you're going to get to keep your baby." or something to that affect.
Saturday morning, as we were leaving, the phone rang. It was the agency. Birthmother changed her mind.
I was angry at God, the birthmother, life. I cried immensely and found the agency offered no support. As time went by, I wrote a lot of angry poetry and thought I was through the emotions.
But when my wife brought up adoption again, I fell right back into the anger and complete distrust.
If anyone's been there, done that and has the T-shirt, please offer suggestions on getting through this. I don't want to let my emotions affect the next adoption.
I've thrown myself into writing, reading, playing guitar and all's good until I see a baby girl or someone's older daughter and then...wham! Back into the sadness.
Thank you for listening.

Peace,
Gary . . .

Hi Gary,
I am so sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately my story doesn't offer much hope either. But I want to share it with you so that you know you are not alone...we are going through the same thing now. After many years of infertility treatments... all unsuccessful....my husband and I decided that maybe our calling is to adopt. We started our adoption process a little over 2 years ago. Our match lead us to Mississippi. The birthmother wanted us there so I can be in the delivery room....oh how excited I was since this might have been the closes I would come to experiencing it ..anyway, whenwe got there....there was no one to greet us. we were totally on our own to drive from the airport to hotel,
which was fine. Once there we did make contact with the social worker. Everything seemed ok... the next day we were to meet the bmom at the hospital ... walking in the hallway was a little strange as all eyes were on us... anyway, we were met by the bmom's nurse..... and her best friend. The meeting was short as she needed to get preped etc. when the nurse said who is going in I said I was and so did her friend.... well what could I do ..... the nurse said only one person alloud. We went back to the waiting room... and soon he was born... a beautiful baby boy.... we fell in love instantly....the hospital promised us a complimentary room (which we never received) our social worker who should have been there, wasn't not until 8 pm... an he was born at 10:50 am... there was no where for us to go but in a little closet area to feed him for 20 min. and after that in the nursery room. What we didnt' know is everytime we left the hospital to get something to eat or to go back to the hotel. the bmom and her friend were able to see the baby. when we got back and entered the nursery ... he was always gone.. into her room. Well with mixed feelings we said this might be a good thing... let her see us with him to put her heart at ease. So we would join her in her room. She even sent us to buy a carseat for his release the next day. The bmom kept constantly saying don't worry he's your baby, I'm not going to changemy mind"
So we really trusted her.... we ended up staying withher in her room til 10 pm watching tv, talking ect, she told us to meet her a 8;30 to meet with her doctor and to ask questions etc, so we were so sure this was it... the next morning we got a call at 6"30 am saying not to go to the hospital she changed her mind. We were devastated....my husband called her on her cell phone and begged her to change her mind ( the saddest scene I ever seen) So we returned all the stuff we bought and boarded our flight back home.. Blaming perhaps the Southern
mentality..... we were often referred to as the Yankees by the doctor, we said maybe they didn't know how to make an adoption plan. After a few months of greiving.... the agency approached us again and the ball started rolling again.
This time the birthmother's situation was much better. Again we had a good feeling about it. It was more local....and we felt the agency would be looking out for us this time .... We were WRONG. After waiting almost a year for her to give birth.... this bmom changed her mind too. I blame our agency for both loses.... I've come to realize.... the bmom stands to lose absolutely nothing.... she has a say in who she picks (family), she can make or change requests at anytime of the preg. even if things are decided prior to accepting a match, she gets expences paid.... without ever knowing it's comming from us the (adoptive families and not the agency) and the best part of all she can change her mind and no harm done.... Now the agency loses absolutely nothing either.... because we pay for everything, whether they messed things up or not. All paperwork fees (even if no adoption took place) , bills that come up out of the blue.....oh they do send you a statement but it is so vague..., and finally the adoptive parents.... who go into this trusting that people are honest and wont take advantage of there volnerabilty....As long as you keep forking up money.... they will work to find ways to spend every cent you have. All this with no remorse. Don't they see that without adoptive families willing to adopt.... they would be out of business...so my question is why don't they reimburse us so we can continue to search for another match??? No instead once they've taken everything from us they pretty much want you to leave the agency...so that they can do the samething to the next couple. I am so sorry...but I have lost trust in everything .... I am so angry and so sad too.... I don't want to give up my dream of a family but I also do not have another 40,000 to throw away again....as it is I need to pay back my loans for this horrible experience..... I can only speak of my own experience but..... what a perfect scam!!!
To get back to you Gary....I know exactly what you mean...for us it was 2 boys.....and it kills us inside everyting we see children and families doing what every family should be doing... living, loving, laughing etc,

Well, I am so sorry for you and your wife... and I do wish you much success with what ever you do. I also want to thank you for listen to me ...... It's been almost 2 months that we lost our second... so if I sound bitter and angry it's because it has just recently happened to us.

Take care of each other.....and unfortunately I am probably the worse person to give advice since everything I ever believed in has been or is beginning to shatter... so I won't even try to tell you anything but good wishes are being sent your way .
bye