[mmdd2b]

Hello,
I posted last month on a failed adoption. Has anyone read any novels or stories that have helped with the heartache of losing one and then waiting again. Or, I 'll take anything.

Just want to curl up with a good book that would have some meaning with our adoption journey. Just curious how any of you have been dealing with the loss.

Kristy

[stacyone]

I'm sorry for your loss. This is just a suggestion, but... how about something completely NOT related to adoption? Let your brain change the subject entirely, take a break. Some nice fluffy romance novels, chick lit, etc.

((Hug))

[AMom2Two]

"Just curious how any of you have been dealing with the loss."

I'm not dealing well. I'm crying a lot, depressed, hardly functioning. The sight of little boy's just sends me right back to the depresssion stage again. I don't have motivation, feel unworthly of being a mother and just angry that all I ever wanted in life was to be a mother and have a family and it's just so darn hard to get there. I'm so angry that some mothers take their children for granted, say awful things to them, abuse them, neglect them while others would give their arms and legs to have them.

I'm so angry, so hurt. I can't get out of it. I'm thinking of going to the doctors next week. I don't know, I hate taking drugs and I have a little girl which helps me put on my happy face mask. I don't know how to get out of this state of feeling. I've been trying for 10 years to obtain my dream of having two children. I'm so tired, so weak, feel so broken inside.

I think Stacy's idea of doing something not adoption related is good. I'm trying to think of what I can do. I'm sorry I'm not any help to you. I'm in the same boat.

[mmdd2b]

Dear A Mom2Two,
I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I like your descriptions as to that is what exactly I am feeling for a month now and I just don't know how to deal. We were so close up to 2 weeks to the birth (after 6months of working with our bmom weekly). She found out it was a girl and not a boy, so she thought maybe I can do it. I hope she does it as well.

Yah, everyone in my life is either pg or on their way to a second or third. Is it wrong to not want to hear about your neices without feeling hurt. I hear my sister saying "oh, got to go "I" is crying and just want to scream and wish I was in her shoes. I am always in my neices life and love them so much it hurts to. I must be crazy.

I just try to keep busy for our next match.

I hope you find what you need to fill the void and appreciate your thoughts. I wish I was in a better state as well. I think my husband is trying to keep cool even though I think he may be in the same boat in the inside.

Sorry for rambling. Good luck.

Kristy

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Amom2two

You have the classic signs of depression. PLEASE go to your doctor and discuss exactly what you've said here. Believe me, you will feel much better if you allow yourself to get help! I've been there (for different reasons) and waited 2-1/2 years before seeking help. The longer the depression lasts the longer it takes to heal.

Your daughter deserves to have a happy, healthy mommy! Take that first step and seek help. There is no stigma attached to depression these days and, even if there were, who gives a darn what others think!!!

Best of luck to you. Your little boy will be in your arms forever soon and this will all be just a horrible memory!

Michelle

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by mmdd2b
I think my husband is trying to keep cool even though I think he may be in the same boat in the inside.

(((Kristy)))

I think my husband is also. He has thrown himself into his work. I wish I could do the same. He doesn't come home until late at night, then gets up and goes in early.

People have asked me how do you get thru it, and all I can say is I take it one day at a time, one hour at time, one minute at time.

Do you have any family members who give you emotional support? I wish I had some. Everyone seemed to drop off the face of the earth after this. I almost feel like everyone feels I shouldn't feel this way. They tell me to be happy, that a baby is coming. I DON'T WANT JUST ANY BABY, I WANTED HAYDEN. I wanted the relationship with his bparents. I liked them. I wanted that baby. No one seems to get it. No one understands.


(((Michelle)))
I know I am depressed. I've been here before. I call this type of depression situational depression. I don't know if a doctor will give me anything for this because it is recent and it was brought on from loss. Sometimes I worry that if I do take something, it might mask the pain instead of allowing me to process it. I have a habit of avoiding painful issue's and I'm trying not to run from it. Another sick side of me says that as long as I feel pain, Hayden, the lost baby is still with me. Ok, I know that is crazy but the pain of losing him is all I have left of him. I don't want to be happy right now. Not crying will be good but I'm not ready to let him go. I'm still hoping the phone will ring and it will be the mother telling me she made a mistake and come get him. How crazy is that? I don't think my sanity is functioning so well.

I can't imagine how bmom's feel after placing now. I know that my depression will last only until we get selected again, but a bmom's depression after placing, how do they get out of it?

[leaabc123]

Our foster son is 7 months old. He arrived at 3 months old, abandoned by family members who then sad they did not want him back. Lo and behold, 4 months later (and he looks better and is healthier), now they have filed for custody, and will most likely win, despite abandoning him and skipping visits.

Court was delayed for a week (again), so I find myself saddened every time I look at him. I almost wish it had been done today, just to get it over with.

Not quite the same as going through a pregnancy but I am feeling the loss. This is the second time we have watched a baby that we were getting close to, go to a relative placement (that they should not have gone to).

[Volfe]

Amom...

Hugs!
I was just reading this post yall and wanted to respond...

You said you weren't sure a dr. would help b/c it was a recent pain and brought on by loss...
My OB offered me some pills (for depression) after I went to see him for my 6 month check up. I'd put that off for 2 months due to the anxiety of stepping into his office. I think I cried the entire time there. It brought me such pain...

I called him a week later for the drugs. I needed to sleep. I needed to care for my children. I had things that needed to be done...

I quit the pills a month later.

It was a help.

The forums... help me... and yall.

Hugs gotta run

Maia

[Volfe]

Ok sorry, I had to run and do work...

I meant to expound on that. Talk to your Gynecologist, they will be able to talk to you about recent loss and grief from it. If they feel medicine will help you briefly, they will prescribe some (I'm not saying a counselor won't help, I mean the ob/gyn is more familiar with OUR grief and loss).

I remembered a book I read over the summer, unintentionally after my renewed grief from the adoption. It's a fiction book with the theme of loss...
And I found myself thinking of Loss for other people because of it.
I love John Irving and the book was called "A Door in the Floor" or "A Widow for One Year"

so I'm mentioning it because it was good, it was thought provoking, I'm not sure that it was funny... (not like his other novels), but if you want any book suggestion. There's one.

I hope you dont mind my 'barging in' on your thread. It's just... I understand...

G'nite

[WIcountrymom]

I can't say I know exactly what you are going through but I've been in about the same situation. My husband and I got chosen by our ** 4 months after we completed our paperwork. She was due 2 weeks later and we met with her and her family twice and then were at the hospital when she delivered. We spent 2 days with the baby at the hospital and the ** signed the papers for us to be in the nursery with the baby and to visit the baby in Foster care until the TPR court date. The day the baby was supposed to go to the Foster home the ** changed her mind and picked the baby up from the hospital. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and my heart was ripped out. I couldn't stop crying and couldn't function. This happened a few months ago and I still have more bad days than good, but the one thing that has helped get me through this and to help me try again is my church. I have thrown myself into church activities and surrounded myself with alot of other church members. They are all very supportive and just knowing that I have all these people praying for us and wishing us well does help.

I just want to let you know that you are in my prayers and God has a plan. I feel that there truly is a baby out there for all of us and God knows which one will fit with our families and which ones need us the most. Hang in there and the baby that belongs with you will find their way!!

Bless You!!

[SKP]

Just thought I'd add my 2 cents.

My husband and I had a disruption of a different kind than most on these forums talk about. Our adoptive placement was with an 11 year old boy that ended Sept 29, 04. We had him almost 6 months and loved him greatly, but it was a horrible placement that went from bad to worse. He is now in a residential facility being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

We have been dealing with this tragedy I guess the best we can. I've had depression like I never thought I would. But it just takes time....time doesn't heal the wounds. But what you do with that time does. Reading about disruption will only prolong your trauma. Trust me.....been there, done that!! You need to try and get out with the living. And the hard part will probably be that people around you will treat you differently. I know that's they way it's been for us. Friends and family gave their initial condolences, and then dropped out of sight. So when the holidays crept up, no one was around for me when I needed them most. So try and have a close friend or two around, who you can tell anything to, and who won't disappear when the going gets tough. Because for us, in the beginning, we were just numb. It's after a couple months that it really starts to get hard! The mind is a funny thing. You will grieve like you've lost a child to death. But it will pass. Just try not to dwell on the loss, but look to the future, and try to find some good out of all the sorrow and grief. Use this experience, somehow, to your advantage. That's what we're trying to do. And mostly, don't lose hope for a better tomorrow and a better placement. God has his timing.....and we should never want for us what is NOT in his plan for us.

Best Wishes to all,
Shelley

[rebeccasusan]

we also went thru 2 failed placements- One where we had the baby home, one where the woman disappeared the week she was due. With the first...definately the hardest, I just didnt want to do anything, i stayed in bed and cried for a week...then, simply put, did the "fake it till ya make it" thing, just put one foot in front of the other, threw myself into work, excersized, went out with friends, read fun books...not that it was ever really far from my mind, but that was how i kept my sanity. With the second adoption, i just threw myself into adoption...i swear, i sent our portfolios everywhere that would take them, called everyone, told everyone our story...and we got our son later that month. Truly, having our son home with us, was what really healed everything. I know when people told me that when we got our baby, I would forget about all that, and i wanted to pummel them...just like momto2, i thought that was so insensitive...i wanted that baby...not just any baby....But, now of course, I cant imagine a day without my son, and i know that HE was meant to be my son...after all, his favorite foods are ketchup and dill pickles, just like mine, haha, it must have been meant to be! When I think of the whole situation in detail, (we gave the baby back 2 years ago, this valentine's day, )i do feel some painful feelings,but its okay. So, I really wish both of you the best, and I hope your baby does find you soon...Until then, I think that either some relxation time, away from adoption, or throwing yourself even more deeply in can work! (For me, researching, calling, reading, etc made me feel in control a little bit...proactive, like i was doing something for myself.)

an interesting adoption book i really enjoyed, although not about a failed placement, is "Confessions of an adoptive mother"...I would recommend it!

[fiona-c]

rebeccasusan is right. Our first adoption failed after having our son home for 7 months. We still think of him 5 years later, but what saved us is the arrival of our daughter 6 months later. Then we had a second failed adoption after caring for the boy for 4 months. It took two years for our son to come home because we were so scared and cautious of all situations. Time heals a lot of wounds. The two boys will always have a place in our hearts, but now we have the children we were meant to have.

Fiona

[mmdd2b]

Do you have the author of "Confessions of an adoptive mother" by chance? Sounds interesting.

BTW, I am still dealing with the loss of our almost child. She was due in Oct and 2 weeks before the birth, pbmom decided to parent. I know now that is wasn't meant to be and so I am still like you all trying to find encouragement thru religion, friends, family and especially my DH. It is nice that we are together on this. I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I think potential mommies take it in more than potential daddies.

Still waiting, see ya at the end of my road when I get to hold our precious (meant to be) miracle. Hope I don't have to wait that long.

Kristy

[rebeccasusan]

Actually, now that i check, its "secret thoughts of an adoptive mother" by Jana Wolffe. It is a true story about a couple who adopted- sometimes funny, sometimes not-but i thought the feelings were so right on and honest about the whole process. And, it is a pretty light read, really, compared to many of the adoption books ive been given!

ps...apparently, the answer to afailed adoption is to get on Dr. Phil...anyone catch today's show??