[JSH]

I'm very new to this forum, so please be patient if this topic has been previously addressed. My wife and I live in New Jersey, and adopted from China last December (a 10.5 month old girl from an orphanage). We had planned for everything EXCEPT a solid support system upon our return. After several days back home, we were jet-lagged, both of us had respiratory infections (our daughter had an ear infection which was misdiagnosed in China) and we panicked and voluntarily disrupted the adoption (we surrendered her to the adoption agency). A little over a week or so later we realized we made a terrible mistake and we tried to get her back (we were even ready to hire a nanny service and have friends help us with support). The adoption agency refused, and after seeking legal advice we felt it would be in everyone's best interest to let the matter be (it could have taken up to a year to go through the court, with no guarantee of a victory, and most importantly during which time the baby would effectively be in limbo). Since that time we have tried to apply to several adoption agencies to restart the process, and we have been rejected. Also, we found out that a well-known pediatrician who reviews adoption referrals for medical consults was using our situation during workshops and (while not citing us by name) used our situation and referred to us as the couple who didn't know what they wanted. So, we are tainted. My wife is infertile (just diagnosed) and we really don't know what to do. We have both been in therapy for the past 6 months, and out therapist feels we are emotionally fit to be parents, but we just can't seem to get a break. If anyone has any suggestions or words of advice for us, we would be extremely appreciative.

[3girls1boy]

Wow.
I would say I would give it much more time than 6 months. I would hope you continue to seek counseling and make sure that adoption is something you really want. If it is I think a record of how you have dealt with this will help you in further dealings. I am sorry you felt so overwhelmed you made this drastic error. If you look at it from the agency's point of view, you have given them reason to question your suitability. I would say just work to show yourselves as stable and patient and perhaps you will again be blessed.
Lisa

[JSH]

Lisa,

Thank you for the advice and the words of encouragement. What has made this particularly frustrating is that after the disruption, the staff social workers at 2 different agencies (who interviewed us) did not think the disruption would be a problem for adopting again, yet their adoption boards/CEOs subsequently rejected us. So, at the staff level, it seems that we have shown (at least to a certain extent) that we're suitable. The other hurdle is that if we go with an out-of-state agency, we need to also get a social worker who does home studies to be sympathetic to our situation (and this may not be an easy task). Be we do appreciate your input and hopefully, someday, this whole situation will be just a bad memory.

Thanks again,

Jim

[dadfor2]

hi,

if you dont mind me asking..what were the reasons why you disrupted...it wasnt clear in the post...

dadfor2

[lucyjoy]

Jet lag and an ear infection and you panicked enough to give your child up? Sorry, but i can see why you're having trouble.
That's normal parenting, what if a real problem occurred.

I would suggest taking parenting classes and waiting a few years before trying again. I don't mean to be harsh, but you went to all that trouble to go to China and jet lag freaked you out? What about the child?

[dadfor2]

hi

i read what lucyjoy read..but was there something else going on?......its hard to think that was the only reason

dadfor2

[dogncatkids]

My question is - how could you have gotten as far as getting the child without knowing you would need a support system? My agency even at the point of application recommended establishment of one. In fact it was part of the homestudy. You might want to check out the agency you were with they might not be very reputable - you might also contact agencies outside your area - talk to them first before applying - see what they recommend you do before applying again.

[DianeS]

I think all of these questions and concerns are fairly valid.

In order to be accepted by an agency with the intent to complete an adoption, you'll have to prove that you've learned from your past mistakes and that they will not be repeated.

Just like other prospective parents who have things in their past that make people question their ability to parent, you'll have a harder road ahead of you than if you did not have this in your past.

I'd recommend parenting classes, more experience with young children, getting a strong support system, finding a way to prove you have a strong support system, a good relationship with a doctor who takes emergency appointments (both a family doc for you and a pediatrician for the wanted child), and have emergency nanny service lined up that could step in on a moment's notice (that includes going ahead with whatever pre-approval the nanny would require), staying in therapy, and waiting longer. Use all of those as examples of what you've learned and how you will actively do something different if given the chance to adopt again in the future.

How long ago did this happen? You say you've been in therapy for 6 months, but how long afterward did you begin therapy? Because 6 months isn't long enough to develop the strong support system that you admit you were lacking.

It also may not be long enough for you to fully process the grief that you SHOULD be going through. You don't mention grief in your post at all, and grieving this child you lost is an important part of the process you should be going through.

You will also probably run into issues if you haven't waited at least a year afterward. Most agencies recommend families wait a year after a traumatic event before seeking to adopt a child. Traumatic events include adopting and disrupting - and you had both at once!

And don't forget - "emotionally ready to be parents" is NOT the same as "emotionally ready to go through exactly the same scenario but this time with a different outcome". Nobody can predict who will be jetlagged and ill with a child in pain all at the same time, and it could well happen to you again. Discuss that possibility with your therapist and see where the conversation goes, as you could well discover you aren't as recovered as you think.

[maggie_va]

Actually, I am quite surprised that the agency would have agreed to allow you to surrender a child after such a short time for such a petty reason. I have to wonder to what level of hysterics were reached for the agency to agree to the surrender. Further, I am sure that the situation has full bearing on their decision to allow you to adopt again. I think you are right that it would be very hard to get a social worker to be sympathetic.

Basically, you both had colds and your child had an ear infection and that seems fairly par for the course in parenting. Further, there were actually 2 adults for one child. Take turns taking care of the child. Sorry, I don't have much sympathy. I guess I can't understand this as I am planning to be a single parent. Now if one or both of you were so sick that you required hospitlilazation that would be a different story.

[Colorbind love]

I have to agree with the other posters. I sincerely doubt that you will find an adoption agency in this country willing to place another child with you right now. And, if you do, I would run from such an agency.

Children are not toys. You cannot send them back because you are jet-lagged and tired. You spent what 10-12 months on this adoption? You put your finances and your personal life on the line to adopt a baby. And then you got her home and dumped her. And, as someone said, I can't imagine an adoption agency letting you disrupt without trying to work with you, unless they feared you would do something like drop her off somewhere.

The pediatrician is right. You're very actions show you haven't got a clue what you want. You didn't disrupt because of unknown medical issues. You didn't disrupt for safely issues. You didn't disrupt because of major catastrophe in your life. You disrupted because you had a cold and wanted some sleep. And now a mere 6 months later you want another agency to put their reputation and the life of another child on the line because you want to try this again.

Long term, a disruption will not bar you from adopting. Though, I don't know if a disruption for petty reasons will or not. But short-term, you betcha it will stop another adoption. No one in their right mind would place another child a mere 6 months after you tossed the last healthy infant like a hot potato. And, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But, part of getting approved for adoption is to prove you are stable and able to parent. Right now, your very actions prove you are not stable and ready to parent. Perhaps you will be in a few years, and perhaps you won't. But, you're not ready now. And, no one is going to put the life of another child in the balance while you make up your minds again.

I would quit trying to adopt right now. I would take a lot more time to grieve, process and seek more counseling for what happened in your lives. And, in a few years if you still want to be a parent then try to adopt. But, right now pursuing another adoption is probably scaring the agencies even MORE. You disrupted for silly reasons and now you're back already seeking another child. That's not the actions of someone ready to take responsibility and deal with the consequences of what they did. No letter from your counselor is going to change that perception, only time, maturity and better preparedness in a few years will do that.

[spaypets]

Look, I think all parents have a "What have I done" moment when they first bring a child (bio or adopted) home. But responsible people, even if they're sick and exhausted, soldier on--because it's the right thing to do, because it's for the child's good, and when things get really horrible, because it would be too embarassing to admit you weren't up to the task.

My word, people throw themselves in front of runaway cars, run into burning buildings, give kidneys to save their child and you guys couldn't handle a little illness and exhaustion. The fact is, under stress, you panicked and cracked. Ok, so now you know what you're not made of--but you want to do it again? What has changed in your essential characters that would make anyone think you could handle a child, the life of another human being again? You got counseling, but this is a moral, a character issue, not a psychological issue. When the going got tough, you looked out for yourselves.

I'm sorry, but I think any agency would be crazy to work with you without real evidence of long term changes that prove that you can put aside your comfort, health, etc. for the sake of a child. Joining the Peace Corps or working with orphans in India might be a start.

[dadfor2]

i dont think this person was real....it just doesnt make sence to give a call and have the child removed that day after the child was in the home for only a few days.

just a thought

dadfor2

[spaypets]

That this might be a post designed to stir us all up.

I hope you're right dad--otherwise it's very disturbing.

[lucyjoy]

Likely it did occur and I have seen far worse things occur.

[Opus]

If this is real and I'm inclined to believe it isn't - this couple was either sadly ill prepared to deal with a baby or just totally incapable. I'm incredulous. Disrupt an adoption over an ear infection and jet lag? And I thought I heard everything.