[its_karen]

We had been asked 7 months ago to adopt an infant. I was approached by a friend thru Scouts to adopt her nieces baby. I have been kept updated through out the entire pregnancy. The conditions were described less than desirable for a bum on the street.
The baby was born March 22,2004. The birthmom wanted to see if the baby would keep the boyfriend with her longer, even though he was not the father of this baby. We have waited patiently with our hearts breaking after each update on how the baby was doing.
Recently in the update, I was informed that the birthmom was feeding him only once a day but sometimes twice. The family seemed to be handling this much better than I was. After telling them they should atleast teach her more about parenting so the baby didn't end up dying from starvation. Nothing was done except a few family visits only to see how filthy she and the baby was. The birthmom is in her early 20's, but apparently is into the major parties along with drugs.
I waited two weeks with respect to the family wanting us to adopt the baby and being scared of child protective services. It got to be too much to hear anymore of the neglect and abuse and rather than wait it out for us to be parents again, I called CPS today and reported everything I knew. I knew this would knock us out for being able to adopt him, but I would much rather know that he was being fed and taken care of.
I still am not sure what I did was the right thing, and it breaks my heart that we won't be able to give the baby all the love we have stored up for him all these months, but I don't think our wants should over ride that of the innocent baby's.
What does everyone here think.. did I make the right decision or not?

[PinkRibbon]

You put the needs of the baby above your own needs and that is the most special, selfless gift you could have given him.
I hope that CPS will act on your information, since it's not first hand. You might want to talk to the person who told you about also filing a complaint to strengthen the case and encourage CPS to investigate. They won't always do so on a 'rumor'

[tobeafamily]

I think 100% you did the right thing by this child and should be proud of yourself for putting their needs before your own. I agree that you should also encourage others with 'first hand' knowledge to report themselves.

I only hope CPS does right by this child as well and gets the intervention in there that apparently is needed!

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[LindaBrown]

I don't believe in calling cps on someone unless you have seen it yourself and not second hand information. My families life was ruined by cps for false complaints.

[its_karen]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I also wanted to add that I understand that there are those times when CPS is not always right, but because this was a case that was handled two years ago with them on her first baby and was noted of the surroundings, I felt that if I didn't call and something did in fact happen to the baby I would feel horrible and partly responsible.

I have since then learned that some of the actual family members had called before me. They were the ones going by daily to make sure the baby was okay and was being fed atleast during that time they were there. They are offering the girl classes to learn how to parent and deal with her situation. I hope for the baby's sake she takes them up on the free classes.

I don't think it has anything to do with the economicial status of a person to be a parent as long as the child is being provided with basic needs. This girl could have gone back to her moms house with the baby and still been with him, she however chose to stay and throw a big party. Hopefully she will get everything together and decide what is best for her baby.

[ruthannbox]

Karen, you did the right thing in making the call. And now, please let me suggest to you that as you go forward with adoption, find a reputable agency and let them do what they are expert at: Finding you the right baby for you. I know that a lot of people have had good outcomes by dealing directly with the birthmother. But as for me, I couldn't take having my heart trampled on the way your's was, and that's why I'm in the process of adopting my second little boy through a good agency. My boys happen to be from Guatemla, but that's not really the point. The point is, there are lots of good agencies and lots of wonderful children, and, at least for me, that has proven to be the best way to go! Godspeed to you.

[its_karen]

I really do appreciate everyones responses. It is always heartwarming when others reach out to show support with things such as this.
I thought I would update everyone on the situation thus far. The family is still wanting me to adopt the baby. This coming monday he will be one month old. He is still with the grandmother who apparently will lose her husband if she keeps the baby. The other family members do not feel that she can physically take care of an infant due to many severe health problems. soooooo
I have a meeting with the birthmom, grandmother and aunts this coming wednesday. I am extremely nervous about it, but I know that if it is supposed to be the baby for us that it will all work out.
My husband is back to thinking of a C name to go with Reagan.. it doesn't take much to get us adoptive parents excited does it! Of course I could be back downhill if the meeting doesn't go as the family is thinking it will.
(This is a good time for that Serenity Prayer!) have ya'll ever tried to actually meditate and all you can think about is that ONE call.. I have been trying to find that oh so peaceful place lately and I do believe it's hiding from me!

[its_karen]

just an update... the meeting isn't going to happen. The aunt/friend that i know didn't even talk to the grandmother about our meeting. Talk about a big roller coaster ride.
On the way home from our cub scout meeting tonight while driving, I thought about all the feelings an expectant mom goes through to make the decision to put her baby up for adoption. Then I thought about the feelings that we adoptive parents are willing to put out there on the line to simply have the chance to share love with a baby.
I wonder if we as a society have basically conditioned ourselves to expect a certain amount of pain in dealing with the whole process of wanting children, be it natural or adoption. Do we provide ourselves a threshold allowing it to not be okay only after that point, or are we supposed to keep absorbing the hurt and pain to make it to point B.
I don't think it matters if it is your first child or eighth, it still keeps you nervous, anxious and scared that something will happen. Before now, I always considered the expecting mom to have all the control, and the adoptive parents to have none. After thinking about all this time we spent on trying to adopt again, I realized when it comes to a baby, no one has control!
It's amazing how many times we are willing to start back at square one isn't it!

[cathy102]

Karen,

I just read your story. First I want to say you did the right thing in making the call. Gosh, I wonder how the baby is doing? I am so sorry that you didn't get to have your meeting with them. I pray that some how they will change their minds and call you. Keep your spirits up. I DO believe you will get your child whether it's this child or another one...Don't give up!!!

Hugs,

Cathy

[its_karen]

Hiya Cathy,

I still get updates on the baby via the aunt that I am friends with. I got a call last night from her letting me know that the grandmother still has the baby. The mom isn't going to the classes and such. The deadline for the baby to end up in Foster care is May 7th.

My husband and I were foster parents before here in Texas, and we loved it and have even been looking at updating our classes and such to do it again. My only thing is, I get so attached to the children and it just breaks my heart to see them on the roller coaster ride. They have absolutely no control over the placement issues, and there are so many times they are moved from home to home. Which in the end only causes attachment disorders.

Last night I found myself being very short with the aunt simply because if the family isn't going to do something about the baby, then there is no reason to pretend. I know my friends heart is in the right place, she just isn't an aggressive type person. I told her that in some cases we have found that it is easier on the family when CPS actually moves forward and takes the child away because then they can say that they had no choice or power in it all. I hope that maybe one of the family members will step in and take the baby, so that the family will still be in contact with it.