[Momofbs]

I have to clarify some things I said.

First off, my mind was muddied the day I posted. I'm in the middle of reunion with my birthparents and not always thinking straight. I've been doing WAY too much reading on the internet.

First off - I know nothing about the "Primal Wound". I know it's some sort of book written by an adoptive mother - but that's it.

I guess more as a mother, than an adoptee, could I not see giving my child up - especially after already having children. And the whole "smell, heartbeat" deal. I say that as a mother. When my babies were newborn, it was obvious they were calmed by knowing I was there. When other people would hold my son and he would get fussy, he would automatically calm down when I held him. It's what babies do. They nuzzle their mothers and quiet when they hear us talk.

Can a baby get used to someone else's voice, smell, etc. Of course! They have to. We as humans have to adapt to whatever situation we are given.

I'm an adoptee and am nothing less than my adoptive parent's child. They're mom and dad and always will be.

But as I said, as a mother I cannot imagine giving my child up unless there was NO WAY I could keep them. I don't see how I could have enough to give 4 children, and not another.

My children are my world, and the only reason I bring children into this world is because I want them to be mine.

Yes, there are all kinds of screwed up people in this world - adopted or not. But there are many adoptees who feel their adoption is the root of their problems in life. Are they looking for a crutch? Just looking for something to blame? I'm not sure, because I don't walk in their shoes. I don't see my adoption as anything negative.

So maybe I still don't make sense. I wish only the best for wingless. I may not understand or agree with her situation, but children being loved is all that counts.

Rae Ann

[Kelli]

Rae Ann, as the person who probably first held, nourished, soothed, and spoke to your baby on a regular basis, it makes perfect sense to me that you would be the one that they found the most comfort in. I guess some of our opinions just differ in that we feel that if an infant was comforted regularly by a person other than its biological mother, then they would be inclined to respond similarly in that person's care. As Miss M stated, it is common practice in many infant care situations to rotate caregivers for the specific purpose of not creating an attachment because those in the medical realm understand and see how easily most infants attach to those they receive regular care from.

. . . but children being loved is all that counts

I agree, and it can be given and shown in different ways, by the mother who keeps her child, and from the mother who makes the decision to place her child with another family, and from the new family that cares for the child.

Kelli

[Missy M]

"But as I said, as a mother I cannot imagine giving my child up unless there was NO WAY I could keep them. I don't see how I could have enough to give 4 children, and not another.

My children are my world, and the only reason I bring children into this world is because I want them to be mine."


As a b-mom who placed her 2nd child after keeping the first; I am thankful YOU don't see how you can do this. It goes back to walking a mile in my shoes...In your second quoted paragraph you say, "the only reason I bring children...." Well you are obviously are speaking from a planned pregnancy point of veiw. Not all of us were prepared to deal with the consequences of having become pregnant and I for one wasn't going to make my infant pay for my mistake. Unconditional love means agreeing to do whats best for you even if it kills me in the process. I didn't have a selfish need to "hold on" just because I gave birth. IMO your judgement of this mother in question is unfair; you don't know her situation. No one just wakes up one morning and says "Ummm...lets see what I'll do today; get a manicure, see the new J-Lo movie, buy miniblinds for the den and give the baby away." Adoption isn't neglectful or abusive. Its an attempt to give your child the things they're entitled to that you can not provide; it doesn't matter if they are baby #1 or # 14. Attempting to fit another child in could possibly cause you to be unable to care for ANY of them; I wouldn't decide to keep a child simply because I've kept others....JMO here>>>MissyM

[Wingless]

I am slightly thankful I have been away for three weeks .... it seems that I haven't missed much on the topic of choice.

Monday March 8th, 2004 at 7:37 am a healthy baby boy weighing in at 10 pounds and 22 inches long was born, I am now offically a birth mother. I even have a plaque made by his adoptive parents saying so.

And now for the moment everyone has been waiting for... how do I feel?

Exactly like I did the entire time I was pregnant. I love him dearly. He is an incredibly calm, beautiful little boy, who is about smothered in love from an extended family that has waited ten years to kiss his little fat cheeks! But looking at him, I see him as the child of two people I have grown to love. Attack all you care to that I am in denial, that I have not allowed myself to feel anything for him.... say all you like about my mothering ability to my other four children. When my kids came into the room within an hour of his birth... those were my kids meeting the adoptive parent’s child. My mothering instincts were in full alert to be sure they were okay with the events that just happened.

There is plenty of room in our hearts to love this little boy. I dearly wish love could conquered all. But his needs are far greater then just loving him. My family knew this from the moment that stick turned pink. I have said this before, I sat in an abortion clinic and thought about walking out of there without the heart ache the next how ever many years I walk this earth would entail. Yes, we considered what raising him would mean... and it was not a fair choice for any of us. And just as MissyM has said, it would have been unfair to my four children I am raising as to the one I was carrying.

I truly wish no one ever had to walk in the shoes of many of the birth mothers or fathers here. That all children entered the world as planned pregnancies, and that all families were ready for the responsibilities raising a child or children required. Doesn't it just make you want to join arms and sing?

We know it doesn’t happen that way. And because it doesn't, their are families created that otherwise wouldn't have been. The child I gave birth to a week ago is an example of that. His mom and I sat in a hotel room and cried our eyes out on Tuesday after his birth. We cried because we both were so relieved and so overwhelmed we had nothing to do but cry. I have no answers to what the next years of his life will be like. Will he understand? Will my children as they get older and come to the realization that being Zak's birth mom means he is their partial sibling change how they feel? And I too wonder what life as an adoptee in a very open relationship will mean for all of us.

I can only say what I feel. I feel blessed to see his parents become parents for the first time. I feel blessed to be a part of his life. I am thankful that this event did not turn into something gravely tragic for my family, that my husband is still by my side. That my daughters still have their daddy in their lives, that my sons have not have to go through another adult leaving them. I do feel fortunate that my children have been open to the love that can accompany adoption - on all sides.

I am even thankful for the topics on this forum. I know that no one will ever always agree with what is stated here. I can only hope that my story helps open the possibility for another person to search their soul for understanding when entering this triad.

[tobeafamily]

Glad to have you back, Wingless. Your perspective and eloquent writing were missed.

Congratulations on the birth of your (BIG!) healthy son, bmom. May your relationships with him and his afamily grow strong with love.

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Jackiejdajda]

Wingless wrote..I have said this before, I sat in an abortion clinic and thought about walking out of there without the heart ache the next how ever many years I walk this earth would entail. Yes, we considered what raising him would mean... and it was not a fair choice for any of us.

You will get no lecture from me

I also sat in the abortion clinic.. It was illegal in 1965.
I also said no to abortion.. Something told me no.

My bson is having a good life.. He has three beautiful kids.
A part of me goes on..

I am thankful..

I am so very sorry for your loss tho.. And we are here when you get sad.. Because its okay to be sad..
That is what I had to learn.

God Bless.

Jackie

[Missy M]

Bless You Wingless...I hope you and your family are OK! Just one sorta off to the side question regarding this part of your post:

Monday March 8th, 2004 at 7:37 am a healthy baby boy weighing in at 10 pounds and 22 inches long was born

My question: Can you walk??? LOL WOW...Big baby!
Much Love....MissyM

[Wingless]

Yes, believe it or not, I delievered one hundred percent naturally ... with no complaints (well okay, I did grunt, "I hate this part." when it came to pushing.) Thankfully it only required two pushes... and no stitches.

Thank you all for the well wishes.

Wingless

[HappyMomAnna]

Row vs. Wade was passed on the same day I got my first period! I have often walked through my life wondering 'who' is missing? Was our greatest president aborted? Was our first woman president aborted? When I was 18 in 1981 just before AIDS was known--every girl my age seemed to have had or was getting an abortion. I am the generation who has always had this right and remember being given it! At the same time I was in 7th grade when Elizabeth Brown the first 'test-tube' baby was born in England. It has been an interesting journey through the world of choices for me.

Wingless I admire you for standing on your values and for the choice you have made. I can only imagine how loved your little boy is--and how completely Thankful his Aparents are. I have nothing but great respect for the choice you have made.

[bromanchik]

Congratulations Wingless, on a good birth and a healthy baby. Were all your babies so big??

[Jackiejdajda]

HappyMomAnna wrote..I have often walked through my life wondering 'who' is missing?

I can remember reading The Tibetan Book of the Dead in the late sixties and early seventies.. One of my interpretations of the book was that we fly around before we are born and decide the life situation we want to be born into..

And if we are aborted we just set out to look for another situation.

I ended up telling my second and third born kids about this book. My son reads it now. He said he had some weird thoughts around this flying around looking for a body to be born into when he was a kid.. Oh dear!


Jackie