[HangingOn]

WOW, I didn't mean this Christmas....lol, just a Christmas sometime in the future; maybe when they are old enough to look him in the eye and stand their ground. You are both so right! I'm sorry I gave that impression. I don't even think I could put my baby through having a therapy session with him, I just can't do it. He will end up in a group home at 18 anyway, he could never live on his own.
I called and gave our answer that we want him in the RTC for sex offenders. It is a great place and he will be made to work on his problems while he is being watched. He will even get life skills there! We are so thrilled to see it finally come to this. We were even called today and told it was basically up to us; talk about euphoria!
I sure appreciate all the talking we three do, it really helps.

[HangingOn]

I forgot to mention that we have never regretted having the police involved and having his crime adjudicated. It gave us a lot more leverage and now a bigger say. Can you still press charges? Maybe that is what it will take to put a little fear of God in him. Just a thought

[tac417]

You must be so relieved that people are asking your opinion on things now, HangingOn. I hope that continues for you. I know that in the agencies (RTCs) that my husband and I have both worked for, they have been asking for more and more family input. It is so nice that people are finally coming to realize that parents have a lot of knowledge about their children that can help in the therapeutic process. I was glad to hear that you chose the RTC, and hope that you have a good experience there.

Joskimo, I believe that you have mentioned that your nephew has review meetings, and that he is giving you parents a hard time. (I think that is what you said, please correct me if I'm wrong) Can't they place him due to that?

[joskimo]

~whew~ I did think you meant XMas this year... I couldn't figure out what sort of fast track you were on - haha. Glad to know it looks like your son will get the treatment he needs.

We do have review meetings but he's not giving my parents a bad time per se, they've had incidents, but right now he seems to be doing well, I think my implication intended to be that they're having a hard time parenting. My step-father has never been a parent and my mother has always been a hands-off parent, which worked well enough on me because I had the good sense not to let her figure out what sort of trouble I was getting into. Mostly he's very manipulating and definitely gets my step-father on the sympathy kick which drives me bonkers.

[HangingOn]

Nothing makes me crazy like the manipulating these kids do. I want to scream, don't you see what he is doing? He has a smile that is so innocent and yet makes my skin crawl. I've made it my business to inform everyone, everywhere he goes, of his past. If you see him in person, you would think, AWWW, isn't he cute and sweet. GAG! It took until now for the sw at the gh to believe he is dangerous; he even told him to his face, you are evil, and people think you are a monster. This brought no emotion, and we got the "stare and trance" look from him.
I'm really concerned about the trance he goes into, but the new RTC rep said they see it at the RTC too. It's like there are two of him, and you only see the other one when you dig for answers.
Your nephew sounds like he can pull it together whenever he wants to and it's easy at your parents house because they don't confront him or set "high expectations" for him. When these kids are allowed to float, they are in control and happy. Try taking away some of that freedom and you'll see the real child.
Our passive child was a bit nasty this last visit, and my wife saw it. She then proceeded to work the emotions and he crumbled like a baby; only it didn't go far enough, he's still in control.
Are your parents taking sides in this? Do they have compassion on your daughter? Or are they falling for the nephew's act? You need to have everyone on the same page for there to be progress.
I'm patiently waiting for the sw at the DHS to call about the move. My wife left messages as that is the safest way not to get into a conversation that could lead to her saying something she later regrets. We don't like playing games, but that's what this whole thing has turned into.

[joskimo]

The manipulation is very effecting, I'd say my step-father is more sympathetic to my nephews plight, oh it's tough to be a teenager and blah-blah-blah. He takes a very active role in parenting my nephew, so for that I"m grateful, it's just that he and I are frequently not in agreement on issues which is stressful for my mom and my husband. I'd say in general my nephew doesn't know about the stress. I know my mother does miss spending time with my daughter, something they aren't easily able to do with my nephew living with them.

So when do you find out about your son moving? That's going to make a big difference in his treatment. Is it farther away from your home?

[HangingOn]

SW called this morning to say that ds would be moving the last of the month; the new RTC wants to accomodate us with getting his braces off and the retainer made, before he moves up there. Yes, it's 85 more miles away; about 185 altogether.
I certainly take my hat off to you, in being able to handle the situation. Does your daughter feel the loss of grandparents? It sure is hard when you've got more than one to try and save. We are trying to do what is best for the 6 as well as the 1. Like my oldest likes to say, "dad, he's getting what he deserves, and he's living better than we do!" LOL They sure eat good and have quite a social life in a RTC.

[joskimo]

Hey, congratulations, that's great news. How long is the treatment program? I know they never say for sure, but usually have a range.

I agree with you on the benefits that offenders seem to receive, it drives me crazy. Oh, and for today's highlight, he pulled the fire alarm at school today. Normally this is worthy of a suspension, but the principal felt sorry for him (I suspect there were tears or other forms of manipulation) and gave him Saturday school the next 2 Saturdays. How is that for accomodating? What bothers me is that everyone seems to give in a little but the payback is that he doesn't change. If they'd just look at the whole spectrum they'd see.

[HangingOn]

I was beginning to feel sorry for ds and thinking he was on a big turn-around. My wife saw the old ds when being interviewed by the rep/RTC. He put his head down and looked up at her with an "aren't I cute" look, she almost gagged. Our "fire alarm" is the fact that ds conned them into letting him do the easy clean-up jobs, and never doing the toilets. HMMMM, you'd think things would be fair in a group home, but it's still the same old human nature of falling for his "sweet?" smile. Yes, they feel sorry for ds too; but what good does it do for "professionals" to be swayed so easily? I found out that most of the staff weren't told WHY most of the kids were even there. My wife made sure, one night, that she informed the staff of ds's "monster-mode." IMHO, I think every staff member should be told (as well as all the teachers at your school) exactly why ds/dn is there. How can they do a professional job if they are not totally informed. I know it is up to the parents to give permission for details to be told; my wife wrote up a four page information letter and distributes it wherever ds goes. We are very tired of them looking at us as if we "probably" only saw ds "playing doctor" with his little siblings. GAG!
We've also learned to not let the "professionals" know exactly where we are going with something. We've been manipulated for the last time, by ds and the professionals. In order to make and informed decision this time, we waited until we heard all the information from everyone; all the time making them think we were agreeing with them, and then made the right decision for his placement. It felt so good to be in control of one tiny area of this mess. We have been treated like "second class citizens," made to "prove" that we are a solid, loving, family, by attending the therapist of our choice. Not all families who are stricken with the evil mess are bad. There's your family and our's to prove it. In America, this is the only situation where the family has to prove themselves innocent, instead of "innocent until proven guilty." It did my heart good to sit in court and have the judge say to the county attorney, "you are stricking paragraphs three and four?" and have his say , "yes, your honor." Two paragraphs that were copied, word for word, from the code law in our state. Two paragraphs that were so damming that my wife was frantic for a month before they were forced to delete them. They don't care to look at who you are and the 20 years of documentation you have as a family; they just copy the words from the state code. Our family was in the foster care business for over four years; we have adopted 7 children. We've been fingerprinted more times than a convict; we have more possitive home-studies than most anyone in the country. Our adoption agency (biggest in the country) went to bat for us; our supervisory teacher wrote and talked directly to the court, our social worker who placed ds wrote letters explaining ds's arriving in America with all the baggage in tow. All this to say, watch yourself, my friend, you have a lot to lose if the school doesn't know the whole story.

[joskimo]

I find that so unbelievable that the staff at the group home don't know they nature of the offenses, I think that's irresponsible. They should know to look for certain behaviors don't you think?

Tomorrow is our first treatment team meeting with the high school mh service he goes to know. It's only been like 3 weeks I think so this will be good. They have a summer program too, this will be a nice opportunity to learn more about that. Nephew was PO'ed in a big way to find out we were making him do this summer thing instead of (1) letting him sleep his summer away or (2) let him get a job. Who amungst us has the time to go to work with him?

I have a 1st apt. with a counselor scheduled for Thursday, I decided in the last week that I'm not coping as well as I like to think I am So this will give me a nice forum to vent.

[HangingOn]

I think the group home uses protection in the same way for everyone: bed checks three times a hour, watch out the window when they "play" in the yard, no going to their rooms in the daytime, asking for permission to do most things, and staying in full sight of the staff. When I blew at the sw/gh, telling him I was tired of hearing from the staff that ds is a normal kid, that's when he told me that the staff were not told why each kid was there. He said he needed to talk to the staff. Also, I blew about ds not having to take a turn cleaning toilets; he's supposed to have a turn, but the newest (Barbie Doll) staff member was conned. Again, the sw/gh said, she's new and he would have a talk with her.
I also couldn't see ds staying in the gh over the summer; no school, no forced work on the offences, no summer program. Where he is going, they work on the offences all year long; and, he will start at the bottom and have to work up. Seems to me that ds can work most people, but in the RTC, he won't be the only con artist.
I think you are smart by seeing a counselor; it's such a rollercoaster ride we're on. What happened will affect your family for the rest of your lives. You just never no where it will crop up and bite you in the butt.
My wife had lost 90 pounds the year before; she would walk four miles a day. Since this happened, over five months ago, she's gained forty back; I've lost thirty pounds. So you see, it affects different people differently.
Being able to conquer the anger and agony of what happened (with the help of God), doesn't mean we can let our guard down. We've seen ds act more like a chameleon that a human being; the dark side is always there hiding beneath the surface. Just be careful of your little girl, she's getting close to puberty, and it may hit her harder then. Our little girl is doing great too, but she is still fragile; we watch her very closely.

[joskimo]

We had our first treatment team meeting with the high school based MH program on Wednesday and that went very well. They work with him daily and keep him accountable. The summer program sounds excellent, there will be fun activities but also group therapy, etc. This program however, does not really deal with the sexual assault, nonetheless, I still think it's right up his alley.

I also met with a counselor for myself yesterday and that went well. In a nutshell she's told me I need to back off from the whole thing, stop tryingto parent him from afar which seems to only add stress to my life, his life and my parent's lives. He's not coming back into my home, my parents are essentially fosterparents at this point and to stop trying to be in the middle of things which is a great source of stress to me. It's so hard because when I took him it was a committment I made, and I want to honor that committment, it's hard to let some of that go, but basically I know she's right. She said to let the big issues be decided at the treatment team meetings, which I"m part of and that's appropriate, but the other stuff let my parents handle or decide iin conjunction with the P.O. or shrink. Whew. This will be tough. And I have to tell my parents, but I really do think it's the right thing to do, I know I'm making everyones lives miserable, it's just hard to back off.

So how are you doing??

[HangingOn]

It is very hard to back off after parenting a child for so long. At first we were so mad at him that we didn't care what happened or who made the decisions. When the PTSD lifted, we started feeling guilty and got a little involved, a little too much, though. It is better on all of us to let the placements make most of the decisions, and do only what is legally our responsibility. DS is not going to make a miraculous recovery, or go any farther off the deep end if we stay neutral. Getting him to the right treatment placement is the biggie right now; they are the ones who will have to try to work with him. I'm truly convinced that he is happier out of the home; some kids just don't do well in a home.
Sounds like you have quite a few people involved in his life right now; a good time to get away from the stress and heal. When we got away from the stress, our other 6 have noticed how nice home is again.

[HangingOn]

We keep getting nice letters from dear son, and frankly, it is confusing.
One more visit to the orthodontist and he will get his retainer. It's been a long three years. He doesn't take care of himself unless prodded to. It makes me so mad that the placements just leave them all to make those decisions; he does well when reminded. I think it is crap that they just want them to be self sufficient, I think it is too much trouble.
We have a staffing in two weeks to confirm the transfer to a RTC. It's another hour farther from here; but we are told they will do staffings on the phone too.
Are kids who aren't attached pretend to be? We are seeing more and more showing of attachment to us. How can a child attach being out of the home?
My daughter (13) told her brother, yesterday, "Maybe not this year, but the next Christmas you could come home for a day visit." That really surprised me. Everything depends on how the three little ones are coping in a couple of years; maybe by then he won't even want to visit. What do you think?

[joskimo]

Hey there, I was thinking of you and knew I needed to drop you a line. I don't think kids attach when they are away, you know of course I don't know anything official, haha, just my opinion, I can't imagine a child who didn't attach at home attaching when he's at treatment. I think it's easier to put on the hat of someone else when you aren't faced with 24/7 reality of being in that place - if that makes sense.

We are getting braces off June 3. It's been 3 years and 2 months. And no, neither boy takes care of theirs, actually I'm hainv them take the braces off before the ortho thinks it's done. I told her that we've been through so much that braces are just one more battle and on the scale, it's pretty low on the totem pole.

So he got suspended again yesterday. For assault on a teacher. He triped the teacher during gym class when they were running on a elevated bridge, the teacher could have been seriously hurt. There may be criminal charges. We met with the PO last night and the PO will look at the police report when it's done and if he decides there's something to it then he'll go to RTC. It's hard to know, he's always the innocent. Iknow he did it. I doubt he did it to be mean, but I know he did it, he denies it, says the teacher ran into him, avoids all responsibility, you know, like everything else! It just drives me crazy. My step-father and I are at odds, as usual, on the issue, it's so tiring.