[HangingOn]

My daughter has come a long ways for a 5 year old. She is now, pretty much, able to grow emotionally. I too think it is the right thing for the abuser to apologize to the victim, and I can't wait for the day when it can happen. My daughter is too fragile to even mention his name in front of her; in fact we say another name for him so she won't "prick up her ears," and us see that haunted look on her face again. I am so amazed at how a person can heal emotionally. There have been a lot of people praying for us, and we see many answers to prayer.
I'm interested in more of what you have to say about working in a RTC. Our son has been "on vacation" for the last 5 months. He's in a group home, and the deepest thing they discuss is lying and stealing. I'm told that they can't confront him with anything; that's why we are trying for a RTC for sex offenders. We are told that our son is such milk-toast that he will be eaten alive. His behavior is passive/aggressive, and he has managed to be the top kid in behavior there. The staff say, "We see him as a normal, well-adjusted young man who is happy and has a little friend to play with, and has no behavior problems. If you are familiar with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) you may realize that some of these kids are not ragers. We are in a predicament where this group home is not the place for him, and we have been getting evaluations and IQ tests done, to present to the DHS. The DHS wants him in a foster home, and denies there is anything wrong with him. The doctors are recommending a RTC for sex offenders, and I'm told that the DHS doesn't go against those recommendments.
What is your experience with p/a youth (14)? He has admitted what he did, to everyone involved; but we get no emotion or remorse. He acts like a robot; but I see a child that is emotionally shut down and in preservation mode. He's written us two letters; one of apology, and hoping that the "little kids will heal completely from the abuse I did to them" and stated, "keep the little kids safe and don't let me come home." As a father, I want to believe there is something in this child that could promote a healing. What is your opinion.

[HangingOn]

We just got ahold of the sw we have been emailing all week; he didn't get read any of them. He agreed that what we are seeing in our son is real feelings. Our son can now cry, and feel for others. Just think, real empathy. The sw has decided that we are the ones ds is opening up to and that maybe we know a little something. He is uping his therapy to twice a week, besides his group therapy. My wife is going for the IEP staffing on Thursday morning, and taking ds out for lunch and a nice long talk. This is only a beginning, but a good one. It doesn't mean he can come home, just that we can start to get him the help he needs.

[joskimo]

you know, that's excellent news, it really is. Just to know he's being reached is good.

An interesting note to what TAC mentioned the other day, we had our support group tonight and a recommendation was for right now to have our daughter right him a letter to let him know how she feels and give it to his shrink and let them talk about it and discuss it. Another suggestion was us to write a letter to her about our hopes and dreams for her and write a letter to him as well. Interesting things to think about.

How do you see your family long term? I know I don't think I'll ever want our nephew to live here, but I would hope one day that they could be in the same room for a holiday meal or something. I don't know if that's realistic or not.

Our support group is over. It's spring so that's a good thing, but it was nice to have a place to talk.

[HangingOn]

That part about the letters and the therapist discussing it with the abuser. It would get us out of comfronting the abuser, but would have someone who knows if it is getting through. I may give this some thought; maybe my wife can take a letter Thursday, give it to the sw and let him decide if it is a good thing for their next therapy session. Sounds like a good place to start, now that he has opened up and is willing to feel something. Thanks

[joskimo]

I'm going to give it some more thought. I know your children are probbly too young for a letter or to verbalize their hurt, but my daughter is pretty outspoken about how she feels, in fact yesterday when we were talking about him she said if he moved back she'd kill him. How's that for a rosey thought? Now I know it's her anger speaking which is why I think the letter would be a good idea. She is very angry at him and not goingto a counselor any longer so writing to him may be effective and it might be really good for hiim to realize what he's done to her. Or would it give him a sense of power? I don't know. Maybe I'll talk to his shrink before I pursue it.

[HangingOn]

My wife thought it was such a good idea that she already has the letter in the paperwork for Thursday. She wrote it for our daughter, stating what it has been like with him gone.
"She" told of sitting by mommy for two months, until "she" could feel safe enough to go downstairs with sister. She told of going to therapy and learning to talk about how she felt; about not going to Cubbies for three months, but now going back with Daddy because mommy says it's safe now. She told about (daughter) thinking about him, and mommy praying for her and made it better; she also mentioned that mommy prayed for him too. She told about thinking that it was "her" fault that he was gone, and mommy telling her it was not her fault. She ended by saying that "she" hoped that "he" would never do those things to anyone else. This will give ds and the therapist something to talk about; others feelings and taking responsibility for his actions. This will give the sw, therapist, a chance to see if there is real sorrow. Thank you so much for sharing that.

[tac417]

HangingOn and Joskimo
It is so good to see that both of you are still hopeful and haven't given up. I am so glad that your families are doing well, and are so proactive in thinking about how to help your nephew/son.

HangingOn,
I have seen kids in group homes whose behavior was great, and the group homes were ready to discharge them. I would really weigh my decisions on the recommendations of the evaluations. It is "easy" to have good behavior if you are not being asked to look at your issues. It is such a good sign that your son can admit what he has done and express remorse. I think the letter from your daughter is wonderful, and it is so good that she is telling him how she feels while at the same time laying responsibility on him. That is a powerful message for him to hear. It's also good to go through the therapist...sometimes they may hold onto letters like that for a short while depending on where the child is in therapy and work towards giving it to him. But it sounds like your son is getting himself ready. It would be great if you could get him into a RTC specifically for offenders because they would be able to do a lot more work with him. If he is fragile, they will be able to work on empathy and start teaching him some of the treatment concepts to prepare him to really, intensely look at the reasons for his behavior. It must be so hard when he seems like he is ready/getting ready to work, and you are getting caught up in "the system". I hope you hang in there b/c it sounds like you are on the right track. I know that I probably don't need to tell you that once he starts looking at his behaviors, you may see an increase in behavioral difficulties from him...it is all part of the process.

[HangingOn]

Because of his "perfect" behavior, we are just now convincing the group home that he is capable of doing those things. He's your: yes, please, no, thank you type. He's your overly compliant child who looks and acts like a Boy Scout. Until he voluntarily broke down with real emotions and tears, the gh said, " If we had 11 more like him, we'd be out of a job." This child has been on vacation until he realized what he lost. He didn't even try to charm them at the group home like he did at the shelter for two months.
The group home, in no way wants to discharge him; in fact they are leaving it up to us to make the decisions, now. They are just so happy to see that he has emotions, misses us, and that it just wasn't that he was afraid of his mean parents. Somehow we have had to dodge this "guilt by association," every step of the way. We've even been asked, since he is Asian, if he is just "acting Asian," trying to save face, not making waves. Why do they not think that, after 11 years, we know a little about this child? Now that there is a break through, they all want our advice and involvement.
The recommendations from one doctor, are to not put him in a PMIC because he would be eaten alive. He has been home schooled and is shy, and isn't "street-wise." The other doctor says he has paraphilia, and should go to the Christian RTC. The DHS sw wants him left there, where he is close and has already opened up. The group home wants to keep him. We have an IEP in place, and an alternative school willing to take him.
DS was never asked to look at his issues; they were waiting on him to open up. Now they want to start, three times a week, with his issues.
Thank you for sharing here, I'm very interested in your perspective on this.

[joskimo]

talked to my daughter last night about writing a letter and she wants nothing to do with it. In all accounts she's doing so well except for the anger she feels towards her cousin, the anger doesn't subside and seems to grow at times, maybe not grow, maybe she's just better at speaking out about it.

Today is treatment team day with nephew, shrink, probation, nephew, and my parents. We do these once a month but his shrink travels so much he hasn't even seen my nephew in 3 weeks, what's to talk about. I'm growing increasingly displeased with the shrink and his travel schedule.

[tac417]

It must be so hard for you and your family to feel like you are being scrutinized. It is terrible to say but this is often the case. Many agencies have dealt with parents who haven't supervised their children or who try to present as responsible when thing have been going on in the home. So, when some committed parents come along, they initially question what they are seeing. It is good that they are finally listening to you. Fortunately, this is the trend now, as people are learning that it is beneficial to listen to the parents and work intensely with them as part of the treatment team.

It sounds like your son is ready for therapy, and that is great. It is hard to say what would be best for him since I don't know all the details that others are seeing. I was thinking about him today and thinking about how fragile he is.....I was wondering if he was more "abuse reactive" rather than a predatory type of offender. These kids act out sexually in reaction to the abuse they have experienced in the past. Oftentimes, these kids are able to admit that what they did was wrong, there is often a lesser degree of planning with their offenses. The treatment with these kids often starts with some looking at their behaviors but also looking at their own abuse. I really don't know but thought I would share my thoughts.

As far as the type of placement, it is again hard to say. When deciding, I would consider the safety of others and the type/amount of therapy that he will be getting. If he and the other kids in the group home can be kept safe AND he is getting the therapy that he needs, that may not be a bad idea. My concern would be the amount of supervision that he is receiving. Typically in a residential program there are staff that remain awake overnight to maintain the safety of all residents, and try to prevent any sexualized behavior at night. In group homes, many times the staff at night are asleep. Also in residential, the staff/student ratio is often higher. I think both your son and your family have to be comfortable with the program and satisfied with the type of treatment that he is receiving. Also, since you are such great supports for him, you may not want him to go too far away that it would prevent/make it difficult for you to visit. I know that I rambled but I hope this helps at least a little.

Joskimo,
it is just so good that your daughter can talk about it. that is a credit to your parenting.

[joskimo]

HangingOn, your wife is meeting with CW today right? I hope that goes well, it sounds like she is recharged and ready to go. Yesterday was a tough one for me, I don't know what set me off, I was on the phone dealing with insurance for him and I was frustrated and afterwords I just cried and cried. I'm so mad at him for ruining this world we had created and I'm so sick of everything being focused on him or as a result of the assault. It was one of those days I just wanted to wish it all away. Everyday I want to wish it away, it just got to me yesterday. That was 3 hours before the treatment team meeting, I pulled it together then and that meeting went well, it was one of the first times that the shrink made several references to him being a sexual offender and talking about the safety of others, etc. By doingn that, it helps nephew to remember why we're all there, he gets so caught up in us just being mean to him and just chooses not to think of himself as a sexual offender.

[HangingOn]

I can understand fully what you are saying. Not only does the offender turn it around, but those trying to help are somehow defensive of him too. It never ceases to amaze me that it's all about "them." If the shrink is finally getting around to putting the blame where it belongs, you've got a chance for him (nephew) "getting it." We're at the stage where our perp will acknowledge what he has done, and that it is wrong, but when you ask him why, he goes into a trance. His IQ is only 71, and the fact that he is only a little bonded to our family, makes it difficult.
I hope the other person is reading too. I want her opinion on the following, too.
My wife went, yesterday, for the IEP staffing, at his school. It was a very nice experience. They treated her like she knew something, and were kind. Now, the IEP is done, and it will follow him. I didn't know that, but it is a good thing.
After the staffing, she went to the gh to get ds and take him for lunch and a haircut. The gh lets the kids decide everything, so ds needs a haircut often as he says, " take a little off. " He got a "short" haircut this time.
There was little conversation with ds, and she noticed a little bit of defiance about him. A good sign for an Ice-Man. Sitting in front of the gh she decided to see if he cared about anything, and he ended up crying for about half an hour. Good sign, but what does it mean? Inside they talked to the sw and he got as far as "I sexually abused my siblings," but when asked "why," he went into a trance. His IQ being 71, and his lack of attachment, I don't think he can go far into that question.
Now, after saying all of that: The representative for the RTC for sex offenders was there to interview him and my wife. Seems as though the main DHS sw has decided ds needs to be in a program that will DEAL with his main problem: sex offender. My wife was in shock because the sw at the gh had been telling her all morning that ds couldn't take a sex offender program. We are getting such mixed signals, but we really want him to work on the sexual stuff, with knowledgable people. Anyway, he may be moved by next Monday, we hope.
Can you tell me why you think the gh wanted to keep him? My wife felt he was testing her on something, but she didn't know what or why. Haven't you stated that he would do better in a place that deals with this sort of thing? At the gh, it's still like he is on vacation. They do not confront him with things farther than the admission of guilt. Why? They even have told us not to confront him.
What is your opinion of "sometime far down the road," his coming home for Christmas or such? We feel like we need to give him something to work for. Not that he can come home to stay, Heaven forbid, but just to show him some support. I would appreciate the opinions of a mother going through this, and a person who has seen it first hand. Thanks

[HangingOn]

I had a call from the sw at the gh today; he wanted to know what my wife thought about the rep from the RTC, yesterday. He seemed to want to know whether we were going to pick the gh or the RTC for sex offenders. When this first happened, we knew he needed to be somewhere where they would deal with the sex offender stuff; and we're going to stick with that. My wife did the safe thing and left messages at the DHS and the lawyer's office. We've found out that the less you say, the better off you are. We were very surprised to find out that we have a big say in this placement. Even listening to the sw yesterday, my wife heard him tell the school that the DHS has custody of him, but we make decisions and sign stuff. They're all playing a game, and the way to win is to listen a lot, say almost nothing, wait your chance and jump in when it's to you benefit.
I'd still like to know what you all think.

[joskimo]

I"ve thought a lot today about your question about Christmas. I can understand your intent, but have you talked to your daughter's counselor? I can honestly say that I don't know that my daughter will be able to see my nephew by Xmas. That's not to say he doesn't have goals. If he gets and keeps his act together we'll let him leave town to go to his mom's wedding in June, but I don't dare create a goal that would involve my daughter. I fear it would set him up for failure because I don't know her timeline. That being said, I hope one day we can have Xmas dinner together or some other occaison, it's my goal but I don't say it out loud.

I hope you are going with the sex offender treatment, I wish we were in that position. That's one thing different I would have done, okay a few things different I would have done. I would have had the charges against him ajudicated, I would have insisted on inpatient treatment. At this point when he screws up he gets warnings, treatment is so focused on immedicate issues, I feel like the big issues are left untouched.

[tac417]

I agree with Joskimo...I wouldn't set up any type of goal that involves the other children until they (the children who were victimized) are ready for it. I would consult with your daughter's counselor, and I recommend some type of joint therapy for your son and daughter prior to any type of contact being initiated. You don't want to retraumatize your daughter, and you don't want him to fall back into old behaviors. He probably also has a lot of conflicting feelings about what happened. Your son may not be ready to say "why" he offended...this may be something that he needs to work backwards from looking at his offenses and how he set up the situation and slowly get to the feelings/triggers to him having the desire to offend. Are you able to visit the RTC prior to him being placed? If you are, you might want to go to see their approach to treatment. I also would recommend that he receive treatment specific to sexual offending.....especially since the evaluations that you have had completed recommended it. At times, this treatment can be done outpatient but if you find a RTC that you are comfortable with, you may see faster results because the work is much more intensive. I still don't understand why the gh has your son on "vacation". A lot of places do this but there is so much that they could be focusing on without being confrontational. Also, I hate to say it but the gh might want to keep him b/c he is so easy behaviorally. A lot of times they misunderstand the complexity of the problem b/c offending behaviors are veiled in so much secrecy.

I understand both your and Joskimo's frustration at the offender becoming the center of attention. I know in meetings that I used to have with families, the offender was the center of the meeting. That was due to us having to talk about progress and goals. The focus of treatment always should be protecting the victim from future trauma and preventing future victims. Unfortunately, this sometimes meant that children would not have contact with their siblings for long periods of time. When I worked at the program for offenders, parents sometimes had to miss visits, ect. because they needed to attend activities for their other children who were not allowed to see the offender. That is a "natural consequence" for their behavior. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck with your decision!