[joskimo]

I can honestly say I have never been so proud of my daughter as shen she woke me up to tell me. With everything going on and all the doubts I continue to feel about everything, I know I must have done something right for her to have believed me all those times we talked about good touch and bad touch.

As far as family reunification, I still live in disbelief that it's a possibility, but both of their counselors say it is the goal, as does his probation officer and even the youth and family services. That doesn't mean that it will be a reality, not to me. We will see how everything goes. I think our timeframe is roughly a year, but it's still something I cannot imagine happening, I cannot imagine her being okay with it, even with safety issues in place. I don't know that I want to live in a home where we have to implement safeties because we can't trust a member. It's a long road.

[HangingOn]

I am new here. I joined because of the post, on failed adoptions, called, child assaulted another. I don't know how to find this person, as it was in October of 2003 that it was posted. I would like to talk with this person, as we have experienced this in our home. Just knowing someone out there knows how we feel, and could help us deal with our emotions, is comforting. Thanks.
HangingOn

[joskimo]

Hi, I'm the author, I'm sorry to hear you have had a similar experience, it's quite devastating to the whole family. If you'd like to email privately I can give you an email address. We're still healing, though my daughter seems to be doing quite well. It's a truely unique experience, being parent to the victim and offender. We've joined a support group for offenders and that's helped.

[HangingOn]

We are an adoptive family whose 13 year old son was caught molesting our 5 year old daughter. We have since found out that he has done some very devasting things. He is RAD, a psychopath, and a pedophile, as described by the court. He is in his second placement , awaiting for the evaluations, to confirm to the DHS that he needs to be in a treatment center. Reunification seems to be the theme from the state. We are, under no circumstances, going to take him back; rapists do not live with their victims.
The sad part is that he has no empathy for his little sister. He states, in a monotone, that he would do it again.
Our pain is in having to jump through hoops proving who we are and that we did nothing to this young man. He came to us as an abused and neglected child of almost four. We have tons of paperwork documenting his behavior when he was first placed with us 11 years ago. It's gradually becoming clear to the court that we are who we say we are. Psychosocial evaluations, home studies from former adoptions, our four years as foster parents, before we adopted internationally, have helped. We felt so much shame that a child of ours could do this. We tried so hard to help him; but when puberty hit, he just went crazy. He was so charming and sneaky that we didn't have a clue what he was doing until he was caught.
My daughter has scratched herself, saying she doesn't like herself, but after four months of therapy, she is doing better. I however am having a hard time. I have daily calls, and paperwork to fill out; it just doesn't stop. I finally wrote nine pages of what we have dealt with over the last 11 years, and all the things we have found out that he did. I now fax these to the ones involved with him.
I don't know what is going to happen, I just want the constant reopening of the wound to stop. I really appreciated your post...so sorry it happened. We're just HangingOn.

[lucyjoy]

When we put my son in reatment, they insisted reunification would be the goal. My statement to them was "I will gladly take my son home as soon as you can assure me he is healed".
Compliance on my part and there is no way to prove it. It bought me time. If you agre to work toward unification while they place him in a facility for treetment, it may get you farther. And I agree, no victim should ever have to live with their perpetrator.

[joskimo]

We had the same problem with the focus on reunification. It really weighed on me a lot. I finially had an epiphany in December and realized that even if they put a gold star on his forhead, it just wouldn't be right for my daughter to live in fear. I still love him and we support him, but it just wouldn't be right. So then I had to tell everyone, and honestly I havne't told him. But I told my husband, he doesn't distinctly agree but he won't argue the point with me. And I had to tell my parent, who he's staying with during outpatient treatment. And I had to tell his shrink and probation officer. It wasn't easy and Like I said, I haven't told him. Honestly he's doing so poorly on probation that its a mute point, he's no where close to a clarification meeting or reunification planning. We are likly looking at residential treatment. But he's had so many people let him down in life, I don't want to be one of those people so I really want to put off the reunification discussionn until it's an actual issue. He's only 15 so we still have a responsibility for 3 more years.

There is a lot of guilt and shame being the parent of an offender. I know we haven't told several of our closest friends, we don't want our children labeled, we don't want to be "that family". He also has a brother that we're legal guardians of as well, and he's really hurting by this, in their messed up lives, they've always had each other, even when the rest of the world foresaked them, and now they are apart. It's just a difficult row to hoe.

[HangingOn]

In reading through this whole thread, I can see that others are deeply affected by incest. Our daughter has a rare condition that requires her to take cortizone three times a day, with three month blood work-ups to determine the dosage. Stress and illnesses with high fevers can take her life within 24 hours. We've experienced this one time with the flu. Her Endocronologist is writing a letter of concern for her health.
We are in the process of documenting her need for her brother to not reenter the home, even for visits. We have found the psychiatrist, who is evaluating our son, after reading all the documentation on him, is in agreement with us about him not coming home.
His placement head-guy is just waiting for us to get all the evaluations together so he can approach the DHS with the fact that he is in the wrong place. He's a nice guy.
Where we live, the DHS is telling the court that he can not go to a PMIC (sexual offender placement) with a low IQ. DHS wants to place him in foster care! This is such a contradiction of what they (DHS) stand for. He does not need a place to perp again. Anyway, there are no foster homes who would take him. So we struggle on knowing that everyone will "get it" and put him where he can get help, sooner or later.
We have offered, time and again, to use our insurance for some of the services he is receiving; but NO, they use the state's resources; and then the state sends us a letter saying that because we did not adopt him from the state, we must reimburse them for ALL of the expenses. We have a wonderful lawyer who is helping us, or I don't know where we would be now.
We have gone ahead and, through our doctor, made appointments for an EEG, and a MRI for next week; using our insurance.
I'm just amazed at how the state jumps to conclusions whenever there is a parent who voluntarily turns their child in for this type of abuse. Thank you all for a place to talk. HangingOn.

[joskimo]

I know we had a case worker assigned to us to make sure we were protecting everyone and all that, and the one thing he didn't tell us, even though I asked was that we can relinquish custody. We haven't gone there yet, but may have to. I think though his only hope for a recovery is if we stand by him, even if he can't home, but his behavior isn't condusive of support. I read a statistic on NeedyKids.com that said that someiting like 95% of molesters start by 15. It was a startling number. I don't want to be part of this happening again.

[PinkRibbon]

I'm really humbled by your strength, thoughfulness and love. You are everything I hope to be in a parent.
I can't even imagine what it's like to be the parent of both the victim and offender, knowing that the offender was once also a victim. My empathy goes out to you.

[HangingOn]

What I would like to ask is, how did you deal with your anger over what happened to your child? Also, how does your daughter feel about your relationship with the nephew? My daughter is so afraid the brother will come back. I'm very confused about my feelings for my son; yes, I do love him, but I can not parent him. HangingOn

[joskimo]

I only get angry over what happened to my daughter when he is misbehaving. Most of my anger for her is past, she's healing emotionally, again, this was a one time offense so she doesn't have a long history of abuse, she's really doing well.

On Friday her 4th grade class had a speaker from the women's center on good touch and bad touch and I was somewhat nervous for her, what it might make her feel like. She told me afterschool that she didn't have any of the "signs" of someone who was being sexually assaulted and she thought that was "sweet". She couldn't tell me all of the signs, but it was an interesting conversation.

So back to anger, I get very angry at him when he's not complying with his probation. We didn't have the charges adjudicated, they are hanging in limbo pending compliance with probation and treatment, but he is not always very deserving of this, he's acting out and having a lot of behavioral problems. I get mad that he doesn't deserve this 2nd chance he's been offered. I've found too that I get madder and madder at him the less I see him, I mean I'll still get mad at him when I see him, but it's very important for me to reconnect with him on a regular basis because I feel my heart closing off sometimes.

I don't know what our future will bring, I've felt a lot of guilt over the whole situation but the future is really largely on his shoulders, his choices and decisions, but I will maintain whatever sort of teether to him that I can.

As far as my daughters feelings about our relationship with him, we talk about it frequently because I worry about that. I feel like it would be wrong to sneak around behind her back seeing him -- how illicit Plus the thing is, you know how kids are, if we never talked about him, I feel like he would grow in her mind, to be this big bad boogey man. I want her to understand that he did a bad thing but I'm his parent and I need to make sure he gets treatment and gets the help he needs and that I still take him to the orthodontist and stuff like that. I think of it as a lesson in unconditional love, I don't approve of what he did and I'm protecting her but I need to still be a parent.

[HangingOn]

What I'm dealing with is the length and depth of his depravity. His abuse also included two of our other little children, and the repercussions of the length and depth are seen mostly in my daughter. We are told that his type do not get "healed."
We also take our son to the orthodontist, but the last two were cancelled because of a court thing. He does not take care of his braces or keep his teeth clean. He doesn't care about any consequences, just so long as he is in control. Did you have control issues with your son? Was he manipulative? A lot of sexual abuse stems from control issues.
He was in our home, as our son, for 11 years. I've been grieving as though it were a death. He is a very sick young man, and doesn't have a very bright future to look forward to. My wife and I are feeling the stress of all the phone calls, paperwork; constantly repeating the details of the last 11 years. Do you ever just get tired of it and want to go on with your life?
How often do you see your son? Is he far away? Our son is two hours away. We went weekly to visit him at his first placement, but he would walk away with no emotion, after the visit.
His continuing to state that he will kill the younger children, and will abuse them again, if allowed to come home, makes it hard to want to stand by him.
I understand that your daughter was molested once, and you are "blessed?" that it was not an ongoing thing. We too, are starting to talk about what's going on, in front of the three younger children. Has your therapist talked to you about talking to your daughter about what happened? Ours doesn't seem to think it is a good idea to bring it up, unless she does. It's so hard to know what to do.
Our son was adjudicated, but it will not go on the state's records because of his age. He also has done "nothing" except admit what he did. He is not cooperating or trying to use the help that is there for him. It is such a sad situation.
We did not adopt from the DHS, so when we refer to them in a negative way, it is because we are shocked at there behavior; not to run them down. After reading the rules again, I was afraid I would be banned from here; I'm glad I wasn't.
We were only angry at the smaller children for not telling us, but have found out that that is normal, especially when they have been threatened.
I only wish our son would "act out," it would show he has some emotions; which he has proven he doesn't have. He's not at all sorry for what he has done; it makes us so sad.
The therapist says I am still dealing with the guilt. I take it personally that a son of mine could do such horrible things. It helps to say it here, where no one judges the other. Thanks
If molesters start by age 15, ours was way ahead of that by starting at 10. He was so badly neglected and abused as a baby, before he went into foster care. Were your son's neglected or abuse by their b/m? It makes a big difference if they bonded early to someone.
You spoke of unconditional love, and I admire you for having that love for your son. I can feel that kind of love for God, but not for him.....yes, I love him, but I have to love him from a distance. Maybe after a few years, it will be different; my feelings are different already than from this start. HangingOn

[lucyjoy]

When your living in the middle of a battle field, it's difficult to feel anything. When soldiers shoot other armies, they see only the death of an enemy, not the death of a human being that we are taught to love as we love ourselves.

When my son left for the RTC, I was relieved. (he was repeatedly attempting murder, not rape, but was well on his way to getting there) I was so numb that I hadn't cried for three years. I was angry becuase he didn't care and was enjoying his placement, ignoring the rules.

My son had never learned to trust and never developed a conscience. He feels no empathy for others. He now knows what empathy is and that others feel it, but he doesn't feel it.

I wanted him to hurt for what he'd done. I wanted him to work on his life and pay for what he did. I wanted all the dreams I'd had for him to be true. But they weren't, and they aren't.

He has healed somewhat and can currantly function in society, but will never know passion and deap connection to another person. He understands that killing will cause him to be locked up, but cannot understand why the people he tried to kill would still hold feelings about that.

It will take some time to learn to love your son knowing he throws hate back, but it will come. And loving at a distance sometimes is better for a child who cannot see past himself.

[HangingOn]

I sat down with our two older sons today and discussed our love for each of them. I wanted them to realize how much we love them; they are such wonderful young men. We talked about how we still love the son/brother, and nothing will change that; but we all agreed that the son/brother made wrong choices, and may not be able to make the right ones. We figured out that we are just trying to protect ourselves by not reaching out to him.
Of all the things that could have gone wrong, the sexual abuse of the little children was the one thing that really changed who we are as a family and what we can take. The son/brother can not come home....we have to survive. We are beginning to act "normal" again; but normal is full of vigilence and tight boundaries; trust is something that continually has to be proven.
Our son would be happy anywhere we put him, and that hurts. He never should have been adopted into a large family; it was too easy to hide who he really was; a very troubled child. I honestly believe he "exploded" at puberty. As a young child, he had many problems, but never devastating behavior like now. All we can do to help him, is to continue searching for tests, evaluations, the right placement, and cooperating. I wonder if we will be charged with abandonment? HangingOn

[joskimo]

Our oldest was ngelect by his b/m and abused by many of her boyfriends and possibly his b/f as well. There is as well a family rumor that his b/grandfather on his paternal side is a sexaly predator, that's not been determined. We took him and his brother when they were 6 & 7 years old, they are the nephews of my husband and we were awarded legal guardianship 2 years later. Our daughter was under 2 when they came to live with us so they are her brothers for as long as she can remember.

Right now he's in outpatient treatment and living with my parents here in the same town. I see him generally once a week to take him to his counselor and attend probation with him. It wears me out but it's good for me to see him weekly I think. If he gets residential I don't know if he'll be in the same town as us. I think he will get residential because he's been having so many behavior problems that I think it's inevitable. Frankly at this point I wish he'd hurry up and screw up that one final time so we could get him in the right kind of treatment, I know he will, it's not a matter of "if" he'll keep messing up, he just can't get it together.

Last night we had counseling and then the visit with the probation officer and he indicated that he's feeling picked on by all of us and "persecuted" . Isn't that a joke? That's his style though, this is all about us and not him, he takes no blame for his life, no responsibility for the hell that we're all going through, we're just "picking on him" and that pisses me off.

Living in the aftermath. I had to buy a lock for my daughter's door, not a regular bedroom lock that you can pop with a hanger, one that you need a key with. I don't want her to grow up scared so I explained that it was becasue she was getting to an age that she needs privacy, but it's a game, she and I both know the reason for the lock. She only uses it when her other "brother" has friends spend the night. Me, sometimes I have to sleep on the couch so that I can make sure I know what's going on in my own home.

I try to talke to the younger boy, who's only a year younger then the offender, they are brothers by birth, I want him to know that we trust him and don't think he'd do the same thing, I don't want him to feel guilt by association. This has been stressful for him too.

So here's the lingering issue for us. Before this happened my husband and I decided we'd like a baby, well we can't but we'd like to adopt. We put adoption stuff on hold when this occured and restarted it after we felt like we were on the healing path and that our daughter was up to it, which she is. but how scared am I to take in another child who may victimize someone? Who's been messed up by his early childhood experiences. We got our homestudy and it was a positive recommendation and goes into the assault and how we've all dealt with it, but it still makes me nervous to raise a child that someone may have messed up. We had ours for 7 years before this happened. Who knew?