[HangingOn]

I know the look you are talking about. Ds had that look the last time we saw him. We have to balance our sympathy with the hard facts of life. Ds made some bad choices; he also picked a lifestyle that will never fit in our home again. There will always be love for the child, but that love will have to be long distance.
I'd be very careful if your dn is placed in your town, in foster care. Ours threatened to kill our little kids, and I believe him.
Your parents have given a lot in keeping dn; for the sake of your family's future, it's a good thing that dn be placed in a neutral place.
Don't expect a trial. We went to court, our lawyer and the other lawyers talked it over and came to an agreement; we were told what the outcome was. Be sure you let your lawyer know exactly what you expect before they negotiate.
The county attorney wanted to adjudicate on all seven of our kids! NO WAY! We finally got the court papers, closing the case on our six at home. If we would have gone along, just to get the state to pay for the therapy, we would have been tied to the state for another year.
Your main obligation is to your dd; she's the victim. Dn will be fine; in fact you will probably be amazed at the good treatment he will get in an RTC. Our's is only now getting a taste of what he deserves; and he still has it better than would be expected.
I'm so pleased to hear how up-front you were with dn; no surprises.
Thanks for sharing with me. Sometimes it's a lonely road to travel.

[joskimo]

I don't think I have to worry about DN harming our family when in Foster Care, I'm sure I'll learn more about him after he goes into Residential Treatment. I have to tell you about our treatment team meeting his week, we were all talking about how calm he has seemed lately, schools out, the pressure is off, he knows his future. His shrink said that DN has been making some impressive progress on his workbook lately - it's a sexual offenders workbook, I don't know if your son had a similar thing. Anyways, the topic in the workbook was how many offenses he had committed. DN said there was the one sexual assault but said that he'd been targeting her to be mean to for a long time, which is something I knew but no one else saw. My husband thought it was just normal sibliing stuff, and I tried to convince him that he was just plain mean to DD. So I felt pretty vindicated that DN admiitted it, I also felt proud of him for recognizing the abusive behavior prior to the assault. The shrink said it was something DN did on his own in the workbook, he didn't lead him down that path. I know its a small thing, but the fact that he recognized his own demons I think is a positive sign.

So I leave tomorrow, DD and I, for a week and a half to go visit friends in another state, days after we get back my flks are taking DN on a 2 week boat trip, they'll get back just in time for the adjudication and he'll leave shortly after that. I feel like, well I'm at the crux of change, big change.

anyways thanks for listening. How are you all doing? Have you all had family therapy w/DS at residential yet? How is your 16 year old? Was he especially close to DS? I am worried about DN#2 - once school starts and he gets some focus I think he'll be okay, but this summer is going to be tough on him. With his brother leaving they've been spending a lot of time together, but it's going to be really hard on him.

[HangingOn]

We don't participate in therapy with ds; he has therapy alone. He is just now in a place that is giving him assignments on his sexual offender status. I hope he will do as well as your dn is doing. Your dn has made a big step in the right direction; being apart from where the abuse occured, he will do better.
Our 16 year old is doing much better. My wife doesn't believe in "time outs," she does "time ins." He has been by our side a lot lately, and it has made a big difference. No, he was not close to ds; the 13 year old daughter was best friends. We have kept her busy, and very involved in family things; she even walks, nightly, with my wife and me; it has made a big difference. We seem to look at our family differently. I thought we were a very close family, but lately we are even closer; no one wants to lose anyone else.
You'll find that getting away from home will do wonders. It will be good for dd too.
My other six are just so relieved to have ds gone, they don't ever mention him. I took the 15 and 16 year old brothers to see him on one staffing day; they ignored each other, and didn't want to see him again. The 15 year old was hurt more by this than the 16 year old; just a difference in personality, I guess. The 13 year old has gotten involved in more things, and frankly, it is for the better that she forget him; he was not a good influence. Kids are very resilient, but we are watching close for signs of trauma.
I am thankful, for your dn only perping once; it should be easier to work with, insted of having four victims and many perps. Ours is so much more than the sex part; his list of deviants is long.
We told the RTC to not encourage him to call home; he has two free calls a week; the calls need to be on his own. He shows no empathy or remorse; he'll be happy wherever he is. His RAD is extreme, and he'll probably not get much help anywhere he goes. His next step would be foster care until he reaches 18; that doesn't make sense, but that's how it works. I just take it one step at a time.

[HangingOn]

It seems that this journey is full of ups and downs. Today we received the release papers from the group home; he went to the RTC almost a month ago.
They make him out to be a model child, yet they agree that he hasn't got a clue, mentally, what is going on. That's the problem; he doesn't understand consequences of his actions; he doesn't understand, so he just stays compliant and floats through life.
One sentence bothers me a lot: "the mother states that, because of the severeness of his actions, he will probably not return home." I'm just wondering, since we have been advised not to refuse letting him come home, how this will look. It's the truth, and I'm tired of playing games; so we're just waiting to see what the DHS's response is to this.
How about you? How is it going? Are you still on your trip? We're planning a camping trip the first of September...need to get away.

[joskimo]

Hi there, back from my mini-vacation w/my daughter. Went to Oregon to visit a girlfriend who just had a baby, was a great time and good to get away from the stress.

Why wre you advised not to declare that DS won't be coming home? Maybe if you do they would terminate your rights? That's something I've been concerned about, my rights as a parent being terminated. I know I can't parent him, but I want to be some how teethered still to him. It's probably not fair, perhaps I should let them terminate rights and let him move on. I don't know what the right answer is to that, just that it feels like I should hold on and not just let go. His mother rarely contacts them, their father hasn't contacted them in a couple years, how would it be if I let go too?

So for the good news, the homestudy was finially released by the subcontractor and the adoption agency has it. The adoption agency sent it to the state for approval and should get it back ??soon?? One can only hope! So we're finially making some progress on that front. I think DD and I have worn DH down on the gender, she really wants a sister and I"d love another girl, it's not set in stone of course, what is with adoption at this point, but we're just so excited that there's movement going on.

Anyways, hope all is well. On Thurs my folks are taking DNon a sailing trip for 2 weeks, he'll be back in time for court on 7/14 and then he'll be leaving shortly thereafter for treatment. Seems to be moving on that front as well.

[HangingOn]

I can understand your situation; it involves a sibling of DN's, and he lives with you. I don't know how I would react with that factor involved. What you need are boundaries that are tight enough that you can feel comfortable with; then when the time comes, and DN would be around, you could have a plan in place for safety. With your precious daughter having been involved, in a very intense way, you need to keep the doors of conversation open at all times; you never know when she may start feeling differently about what happened. Puberty does strange things to children; just be aware. I'd make sure, whatever you decide about DN's future involvement with the family, that your daughter has a BIG say in each part of the decision. She is the victim...victim's don't live with the perpetrator; but I don't know the whole details, so just take what I say as just my thoughts.
We've had some acting out with our little girl...we are making it clear that she is letting her brother control her life, and she needs to take control. This will be a battle, but I have faith she will win in the end...she's come a long way.
We battle constantly with our anger, and we need to not let it control our lives...we're working on it...we've come a long way too.
Getting away does help. Not thinking about the decisions that lay ahead helps too. We look forward to our camping trip: different scenery, different things to put our mind to, and enjoying our family, the way we used to.
Sincerely,
One who knows

[joskimo]

Hi there, hope things are going well for you. We have court next week, the adjudication, there is no trial. This is when the PO will ask for placement at a residential sex offender program, I have mixed feelings about this but I know it's the right thing so will support it. I really don't worry that he'll offend again, not in this matter, I could be in denial, but I think the bigger issues with him are the lack of concern, the lack of regret, the control, those are issues that I think he needs intensive therapy on. He admitted in our last treatment team meeting that he's been bullying DD for years. And frankly that's why he'll not be back in the home, I worry that she would be scared of every attempt he made in intimidating her she would perceive as a threat and rightfully so. I don't think he'd assault her again.

I hope your DD understands about the control issue. Our DD bounced back with some sort of bizarre girl power sort of empowerment. I'm not complaining, she seems to be stronger through working through this. It's been an interesting metamorphisis. I do understand that puberty may bring on new issues with her and I've tried to explain that to her in a way that she'll understand. It's definitely somehting I'll keep my eyes open to in the next few years.

[HangingOn]

Just thought I would add this little tidbit:
"Friends, " who had adopted from the same orphanage we had, fifteen years ago, have had that son removed from their home. He is raging, dangerous, and showing signs of RAD. She wrote me an email this week, stating: "I knew your ds had problems from the day he came home, on the plane. He took my hand and put it on his crotch, twice; I removed it twice, and he stopped."
Just a little suggestion to all who read here; If you know something is wrong, TELL...even if you are not believed; it may help, some time down the road.

We visited the RTC last Saturday; took school clothes, and paid our obligatory visit to the new placement. We walked in on him, at the front desk, getting chewed out for not cooperating...GOOD timing. We spent five hours informing the RTC of his real problems, and hearing that, in this place, he will not be vacationing. He is being made to confront the truth, finally. We are very happy for him.

[joskimo]

so how was the visit, other then being able to inform the RTC of history, how did you son seem? It's been a month now right? Was there any difference? Do you feel like he connected with you or was he just doing what he needed?

That's something about your friend's observation about your son from the beginning. I know you must sometimes play the what if game like I do, what if I had _______ - it can eat you up can't it?

[joskimo]

Hi there, I just wanted to let you know where we're at. We had court this week, he has been adjudicated for the assault. The PO has been ambivelant about treatment so this week we discussed possibly putting him in a therapeutic foster home. DN has been great lately, I've got no complaints about his behavior and attitude. The problem is that there's only one therepeutic fosterhome in our town and it's 2 blocks away. I finally emailed the PO and told him that I felt like we were being asked to pick between DD's safety and welfare and DN's wellbeing, and we had to go with DD's safety. DN has too many issues that need dealt with. He's been good as of late but there was so much acting out during the school year I feel like we just live too close to the fosterhome to take that risk. Even if he didn't hurt DD again, which, honestly I don't think he would. He wouldn't need to hurt her to shake her confidence, her sense of security. DN has years behind him of bullying my daughter, it is the role he adopted. He could intimidate her esily I think. So we asked for him to be sent to treatment and if it goes well he can go to the fosterhome after if we havne't found a family placement for him. I contacted his paternal aunts in another state last week. They are broken hearted about what's happened but there's not placement options there. DN's dad has 3 siblings, 2 have young children and one has a 15 year old daughter and is caring for the best friend of the 15 year old daughter who comes from a drug home so she's already got her plate full.

So that's where we're at. I hope things are going well for you.

[mistysaphire]

Hi, Well I feel really bad for all the families involved with this kind of thing. We have three adopted children. Our 9 year old has killed 4 of our family pets and now has tried to kill her sister, and my husband, We have a two year old and she told doctor's he would be next........ Well She is in the hospital for this right now.They can only hold her so long in there. We are trying to get her into residential program BUT..... Our insurance won't pay for it so we have gotten her on medicaid.... I hear that won't pay either... Now we don't know what to do. I think we need to produce a dead body before anyone in the state will help... They say it may take up to a year to get her in one..... We live in florida and I was wondering if anyone had any information or advice... She will be getting out soon and it is very hard trying to keep everyone safe.... She sneaks posion, needles, medicine, etc... anything she can find and put in our food and drinks......
any information on what steps to take will be appreciated...


Worried in florida!