[dr. mom]

Just a word of caution when adopting from disruption! Please consider using
ICPC and don't cut any corners. We had agreed to adopt a lovely girl
that was disrupting (in another state) . The family wanted her
placed within a week. Because the time was too short for ICPC, our
attorney suggested power of attorney, then a guardianship, then
adoption. This was going to be extra steps for us and more money but
we were willing to do it.
Now, because of a bizarre misunderstanding. (The family called here and talked to someone who answered the phone, thinking it was my husband. It was a gentleman who happens to have a closed head injury who was helping our daughter move to her college doem), the child will not be coming to
our home. My husband spent all day painting her room yeserday. My teenage
daughter and I bought new curtains, bedspread, etc and my children
were so excited. They told EVERYONE at church today about her and we
had already talked to the school about enrolling her. My son bought her a tie
dyed Teddy bear with his own money. Her empty bedroom seems lik ea gloomy tomb -- even though she's never even been in it!
We had our van checked out yeterday for the trip we thought we'd be taking to bring her home. this morning at
church, we found someone to watch our 15 yr old as he has a major
thing at our church the evening we would be travelling.
I just got done telling everyone (in my family)she would not be
joining our family. They are devestated and I wonder if I had
insisted on ICPC if this would have had a different outcome. My
husband and I are devestated but my kids are totally crushed. Please
pray for them! Also pray for the child involved and her family!
I dread tomorrow when my husband ha sto explain to his work. HE had asked for time off and an insurance form to add her to our policy. I have to tell the school and the post placement agency! I would love some help on what to tell peole about this situation. Thankfully, the whole community did not know yet but some friends, school etc will nee to betold she won;t be coming. What is the best way to tell them??? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don'twant to go into alot of detail but I also want to avoid being asked alot of questions ! Thanks!!

[HappyTwinsMom]

I don't know the answers to your questions about ICPC making a difference, but my heart goes out to you.

We had a failed placement in September 2000. We were called on Monday afternoon about a baby girl born the previous day. We traveled to pick her up on Tuesday. After spending hours with her at the hospital, meeting her mother, naming the baby, etc., we were told early Wednesday morning that she would not be our child. Her mother had chosen to parent.

For us, spreading the word took just a couple of phone calls. I called my sister and she made some calls and had other people make calls. I called my office and a dear friend and co-worker handled telling everyone on that end. My husband called his office and only had to tell his supervisor, who spread the word.

Not only was the loss of baby Emily devastating to us (she would have been our first child), but coming home to face everyone in the midst of our grief was overwhelming. Thank goodness, we had a wonderfully supportive group of friends, co-workers, and family to help us through. DH and I took the rest of the week off work to grieve together, then went back to face everyone the following Monday. It was painful to have people approach us and say how sorry they were, but was heartening to know how much we were loved and supported.

God bless you and your family during this time of loss. You are in my prayers.

[lucyjoy]

I don't know how ICPC would have helped in this situation. Both guardianship and power of attorney allow for the parents to reclaim custody. These do not terminate their rights.

So sorry this didn't work out for your family.

As for other people, tell them the truth. Her family decided this isn't what they wanted right now.

[JuliannaTeresa]

In a different light regarding the man with the closed head injury.

An Attorney who specializes in or under the Americans with Disabilities Act could provide you with free legal counsel if you wish to pursue getting her back or possibly change the outcome?

[lucyjoy]

Not if the parents never signed a consent to give up their rights.

[dr. mom]

The reason thought ICPC would help is we would have had an agency on our end through whom all details of the placement. would have gone through. When this misunderstanding occurred, the agency could have intervened and straightened it out. I am not saying it is necessary to use ICPC in all situations, I just think you may be more vulnerable if you don't!! In retrospect , we certainly wished we would have insisted on ICPC for this particular situation,

[sweetnoodle]

Dr. Mom,
I am so sorry about this.

It makes me really upset to tell you the truth, on several levels.

I work with people with brain injuries. In light of that family wanting to disrupt the adoption with their child, and also being unwilling to understand people with disabilities, I wonder if they really have as much understanding as I would prefer regarding people who have disabilties, both physically as well as emotionally and pscychologically.

If you think there is still a chance, you might want to direct them to www.biausa.org so they can learn about people with head injuries. I think they certainly need to be open to learning something from this as well.

I know this is a little off topic, sorry. This is the third for fourth thread on her this past week dealing with disabilities, and I'm a little upset about the attitudes of the general population.

As far as telling others, I liked the idea of using a close relative or friend to spread the word. There is probably no way people outside the adoption world are going to understand it all anyway. But they will be compassionate if somehow they find out things didn't work out.

Sincerely,

[lambeausam]

Was it a pre-adoptive placement that was disrupting or was is a finalized adoption? This could make a significant difference in how things were handled.

[dr. mom]

It was an International adoption. One parent had adopted the child in the child's native country but it had not been finalized here in the US courts.

[lucyjoy]

If the adoption was finalized in the child's country, even if it was not registered in the US, it is a finalized adoption. Bottom line, these parents did not give up their rights to this child so there are no legal issues here at all. Unless they change their minds, there's nothing that can be done.

It's a very sad situation for Dr. Mom and maybe for the child(I don't know the circumstances or people involved there).

[RavenBlackhawk]

We found out about "our" daughter last nov. things were great. we got in a hurry, painted the nursry, bought everything humanly possible (except formula. figured that could wait she wasn't due til march) then late january, the B-family left a NOTE on my husbands car at work telling us they had changed their minds. my mother took it worse than i did if possible. the date on the note was the day that me, my aunt and my mom drove 3 hours to Tulsa OK. to go shopping for the baby. we bought all kinda of toys and diapers, and premie clothes (the birth mother had been in preterm labor several times and the DR. told us that they were probably going to have to deliver her in the next several days due to pregnancy problems). then that monday we got the note. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.
then a little over a month later, we get a phone call at 6:30 in the morning... a the babys grandma, who was never happy with the thought of the adoption, called to point out that the baby was being born. if that wasn't enough, the next morning, the babys aunt called us. told us that the b-mom hadn't bought BOTTLES yet, and was wondering if she could use the ones we bought. i mean, she knew she was pregnant, and she knew she was going to have her soon... wouldn't one of the first things you buy be BOTTLES. I think i may have gotten off subject here, but every once in a while it still feels good to vent.

[RavenBlackhawk]

as for the babys room, i also understand those feelings. my husband and i had issues with the room also. for several months i would sit in the rockin chair in her room holding the clothes i had picked out for her to come home in, crying. it took 7 months for us to be able to move on, and start over. its hard for you now, but it will get better