[rebeccasusan]

We've just had our second failed adoption...the first one, we had the baby home with us, and completely loved her more than life itself, and the bmom was able to take her back.

It was so hard to get matched again after that....But, the birthmom that picked us was such a friendly girl, and had no family, or support, she seemd so alone in the world. I really gave my heart to her, and as well as being adoptive parents to the baby, I hoped we could provide her with an extended family, and the knowledge that someone in the world really cared about her.

To make a long story short, weve gone thru 5 months of pregnancy with her, and it has all been a lie...a scam...just to get free living expenses from the agency. There is also some evidence that she was also working with a private adoption agency to get more support money.

She took off with not a word to anyone. The funny thing is, as she was sitting in the emptied apartment, knowing full well her plans, she talked to me for 2 hours about our baby name, trip down there, daycare plans, etc.

How could someone be so cruel and dishonest? It really is inhuman. Although having the baby actually physically taken from us in our first failed adoption was worse emotionally, an actual "change of heart" can be understood.

I thought this woman viewed me as a friend! It certainly is not about anything financially, but when she was upset about not being able to get gifts for her children, we sent them easter baskets, school supplies, birthday gifts. It's not about the gifts or the finances, but i could honestly hear her heartbreak over not being able to provide the kids with a holiday, and just wanted to help them. How could she have so little respect for me? I really felt like we were there for her...I couldnt treat my worst enemy this way.

Anyway, how do you pull it together, and have any faith in this heartbreaking process after 2 completly traumatic scenarios?

[usocwazee]

rebeccasusan,
Im so sorry to hear that. Ive been in your shoes too, very recently. I want to prevent this from happening to anyone in the future, its heartbreaking and can be financially devastating for some. I have been speaking with law enforcement and lawyers and am not getting anywhere. These women need to pay for the crimes they have commited. Its flat out stealing in my book, not to mention intent to defraud. Connie, our b/mom had 3 other couples she was promising "our baby" to. I went to appointments, talked to her on the phone daily. asked her for advice and gave some as well. We seemed as though we were friends. Then one day our attorney found out she had been speaking with another couple. Our attorney told us what was going on and we came to the conclusion that it was over. Mind you we had many scares along the way, with other people claiming they were involved and that she owed them this or that. She of course denied it we believed her she always had a story. So I decided to post on the internet anywhere I could and tell what this girl was doing to us. I got many responses and 3 of which were still thinking they were getting the same baby and they never did. J E B "aka" Jack was born may 15 2003 and she did put him up for adoption with a couple that obviously knew nothing about this situation and my instincts tell me that the agency she/they were working with never told them either. The agency, is paying us back for her expenses, but the 3 other couples that were involved are not going to be so lucky. We considered the money a loss, but more importantly we had no baby. I want her to pay for what she has done to our hearts and minds not our pocket books. I wish you the best of luck.
JuliannaTeresa I was just curious where did you get your adoption education? Why is it better for children to have a closed adoption than open? What part of the triad are you involved in?

[dl]

I am so sorry you have had another heartbreaking experience. There are no words I can even come up with but did want to let you know I truly feel for you.

It does sound to me like you were there as a friend, to not only her, but her other children. After your first heartbreak I give you credit for opening you heart so completely.

How could someone be so cruel and dishonest?
That is something that I think most people have a hard time understanding. I think most people do not deliberatly attempt to hurt and deceive others so it is hard to understand those that do. This type of scam is beyond belief. Not only is an expectant mother playing on the emotions of potential aparents, she is using her unborn child for her own profit. Very sad!

Anyway, how do you pull it together, and have any faith in this heartbreaking process after 2 completly traumatic scenarios?
It would be easy to understand a lack of faith after what you have experienced. I don't know how you can get past that, but I believe that there is a child that needs a loving home that will find its way to your home and heart.

Take care and the best of luck! Warmest regards!

[Keldexo]

JuliannaTeresa -

I happen to have formed an email relationship w/ RebeccaSusan back when I myself had a failed adoption. She came to my aid and provided me with so much support and encouragement - it really meant the world to me.

I take offense to your response to her post. Did you even READ what she wrote? How can you say the bmom was not "cruel or dishonest?" The woman took money from this poor couple and skipped town! How can that NOT be considered cruel and dishonest? It is EVIL, is what it is.

Open adoption...closed adoption...that isn't the issue. The issue is a inconscionable person took complete advantage of a wonderful, trusting couple and this couple is now grieving. Shouldn't you be supporting Rebecca right now instead of insulting her?

Rebecca was not adopting as a means of making friends. She was adopting as a means of STARTING A FAMILY. In no way was she doing this to be a good samaritan. She was making every attempt to forge a good relationship with the woman she believed was her child's birthmother - she was doing this FOR HER CHILD...not for herself. It is an example of true grace and selflessness.

I had to defend Rebecca because she held me up when I was at the lowest point of my life...if it wasn't for her, I never would've kept the faith and I wouldn't have been able to adopt my son.

We need to be here for each other - not throw grease on the fire. You mention "your version of a friend." My version of a friend is someone who picks you up when you're down - not kicks you.

[Sharon]

Keldexo: Totally agree; the response was bizarre. For one thing, how can anyone make a broad, sweeping generalization that "closed adoption is better for the child in the long run"? On what factual evidence is this statement based?

rebbeccasusan: I am so sorry that this happened to you. The first time was bad enough; this second time was a dreadful betrayal of trust. As a birthmom, all I can say is hang in there. We're NOT all like this. You will find the right baby eventually. I know none of this helps right at the moment, though. It makes me so mad to hear about wonderful, compassionate couples like yourself being scammed by unscrupulous birthmothers. All I can say is, we're not all like that. The ones who do things like this give all birthmothers a bad name.
I know the pain of losing this child will always be there, but if you can find the strength to open your heart and try again, I truly hope and believe that your experience will be more positive next time. I've often read of one or two failed adoptions, but never three, I don't think. I hope everything will work out perfectly for you next time. Best wishes, ~Sharon

[Shoshana]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine the pain and feelings of betrayal that you and your husband are going through.

I'm really glad that you have such a good friend in Keldexo.

In response to your question, how do you pull it together, I'm sure there are no quick answers. Other than time, friends and family, and believing that MOST people in this world ARE honorable...

My regards.

[mckenna]

"Did you ever go to anything except Medical Appointments with this woman?? Did you ever ask intimate questions?"

what does this have to do with anything, i didn't even see her mention that she went to dr's appts with the prebmom. what i saw rebecca post was "i could honestly hear her heartbreak over not being able to provide the kids with a holiday, and just wanted to help them." to me that shows she was truely listening to this woman and trying to empathize with her circumstances.

as i too have been talking with rebecca on the pm board and know what a commited person she is to adoption, it makes me very sad to hear another adoptive parent be so unsupportive to a person who has obviously gone through two very difficult situations.

[MomTo1]

JuliannaTeresa...What in the world are you thinking?? Why not slap her and kick her when she is down? As far as a closed adoption being better for the child, well some of my fellow posters already corrected you on that, so I'll let you off the hook.

Rebeccasaun....I am so sorry this happened to you. I never can understand when bad things happen to good people. I find it admirable of you to care about the woman's children and want to help her. I find it admirable about you to put yourself out there to develop a friendship with her. Please don't stop being your "giving self" because an evil person took advantage of you. You couldn't have helped it. You did nothing wrong. Don't let it change you. There are enough bitter people in this world.

Please keep trying. They say when you are hit the hardest is when you mustn't quit, for success is just around the corner, that was always true for me.

There is a child out there that needs you as much as you need him/her. Believe in it, keep working toward it. Don't let another's bitterness destroy all the good in your heart.

Hugs to you.....

[usocwazee]

Wow guys!
I thought I was being discreet, but you all just came out with a good ol' can of whoop @$$! I love it, I was trying to defend Rebecca too by asking the questions but obviously got no response. Rebecca's situation sucks and I think her b/mom is a complete *&^%$ for doing such things and if she is found (Rebecca arent you a detective? I read your bio) she should pay for her crimes. No person in their right mind would ever do such a thing. Our friendly b/mom was getting all kinds of financial aid (over 8k) in four months from 4 different people she was so nice and thoughtful she went out and bought herself a minivan! Don't even go there with me JuliannaTheresa, she had every intention of doing this the entire time (why wouldnt she have told me in the beginning that she had promised the baby to at least 3 other couples) and Im sure Rebecca's b/mom did the same. She sold her child for financial gain bottom line. It sickens me that anyone could do such a thing.

[rebeccasusan]

No, Sadly, Im not really a detective, Im just weird about puting a huge lot of information about myself out on the internet, and i just thought that was an interesting profession i might like to have...i think i was reading one of those sue grafton mysteries at the time, haha. I am an administrator...not nearly so entertaining.
Perhaps i will take one of those correspondance courses and become one though, and catch up with her. HaHa.

To be honest, though, i dont even WANT to know what her real agenda was, or really "punish" her. This woman made so many poor choices, that, unfortunately for her kids, life in general is not going to be kind to her.
you guys...well, MOST of you...are great, your support really cheered me up.

Today, we actually got some potential good news, if it turns into a reality, Ill post!

[rebeccasusan]

Guess what? The news WAS great! we have a baby!!!!
the crazy thing is, the very day that we found out the other woman was scammimg us, our baby was born!
the following monday, i was talking to our agency about the situation, when they got a call from another agency, that had a baby to place, already born, and NO families to match with yet...they presented us to the bmom, she liked us, we flew down and met with her, and brought him home...it was the simplest, easiest, process ever.
I guess "meant to be" really does exist!!! He is the most beautiful, easy going, most gifted and charming baby ever...haha, i guess i am a mom...no bragging there,haha. He just felt like such a part of our family, from the minute we laid eyes on him.
Anyway, HOORAY...and thanks to everyone who has been supportive throughout this topsy turvy process!
For everyone still going through it, as bleak as things get, and as much as i wanted to punch everyone who said it to me when i was down and out...WHEN IT REALLY HAPPENS IT IS SOOO WORTH IT!

[mckenna]

i just sent an e-mail but wanted to say, you deserve the best and it sounds like you got it! congrats mommie

[bellazmama]

Congrats! After two failed placement, all I can say is that I am CERTAIN that Bella was meant to be our baby forever!

Sarah

[Sharon]

RebeccaSusan,
That's WONDERFUL news; congratulations!
Isn't it funny how, just when you're ready to give up hope, everything turns around?
Best wishes, ~ Sharon

[mary johnson]

Julianna, your post was so cold. Really you should of left that right out of the forum. Rebecca is such a sweet woman and has helped me out through one of my failed adoptions. Closed or open, that would be up to the couple and the bmom. One way or the other doesnt create success. The couple was scammed from a i'm sure a lot of money - scammed and there are such characters out there that pry on us aparents because of our extreme maternal need and want of a child. Let's us all try to lift each other up, perhaps lend a kind ear and say a prayer for the pain a couple endures during such failures.