[cynick]

We spent 7 months through a pregnancy with our birthmother who we absolutely adored. It was too good to be true as we connected from the very first call. We took her to New York City and met with her in Harrisburg, PA and had phone conversations weekly for months. We were given all of her medical records and hired her an attorney. We had our car packed for three weeks. I have replace my job was ready to finally be a mother.

On Thusday 06/05, after a terrible delivery, she was ambushed by her family and the birthfather and she kept the baby. We found out by accident as the Pennsylvania attorney just happened to call her to get additional paperwork.

We only got closure today when she finally had the courage to call us (3 days later) and tell us she was sorry and that she was home and would keep the baby. We forgave her and wished her and the baby the best of luck.

I just got the call and although we have closure, I am still so sad. My family had planned a baby shower for July and we had to put the pack n play, bassinet and car seat in the attic. My attorney and my consultant were 100% with her and we only knew that the birthfather would protest but that it would not be a problem. I had been keeping a journal of all events for the anticpated adoption since day 1. I had planned on giving it to the baby (we named her Nicole) when she was old enough.

How do you get up and start all over? It just seems that we have been given the short end of the stick over and over again. After 3 failed IVF's, 1 IUI, 2 Cycles on Clomid and 3 Laporoscopies and been told that I had horrible eggs and to consider donor eggs why wouldn't this finally work?

All we want is to be parents?

Does anyone have any suggestions on what we can do to lesson the pain? Has anyone heard about an orphanage in Southern Italy? What do we do? Has anyone ever done mass mailings to hospitals or clinics? I need feedback to help us get back on our feet.


Cynthia
Help

[Sharon]

Cynthia, I'm really sorry this happened. I'm not an adoptive mother, I'm a birthmom, so I've never been in your exact situation, but in a way I can relate to your pain... I imagine it's somewhat like the pain a birthmother goes through after placing her baby. You already bonded in your heart with this child, already made a place in your life for her, even named her. You must allow yourself time to grieve for this loss, even if others don't really understand. This child was very real to you, and you have a right to feel sad. I hope your family and friends are being supportive; this forum is also a great place to find support and understanding, and to vent about your feelings. I know you will find the strength to go on and adopt another child, but there will always be a place in your heart for Nicole. I think your pain will lessen in time, but it's probably a good idea to get some counseling to help you through this. Best wishes to you.... you are not alone. Many of us here, birthmoms and adoptive moms, understand what it is like to lose a child, and we're here for you. Sincerely, ~Sharon

[MomTo1]

A loss is a loss and the pain is real. The heartache, the tears, the loniliness, the emptiness, the hollow feeling in yourself will go away one day, but never completely. It's what makes us, us.

Sometimes the losses seem so great and the pain so hard that it makes it impossible to put one foot in front of the other. Infertility and then the failure of adoption can bring it all upon you. Depression takes hold and you start sinking.

but don't go there......

don't give in to it.....

there is another child that needs you...

there is another child that needs a family and a home. Nicole has a home and a family. I am sorry that is not with you. Feel your loss but move forward, help a child that needs a family and a home.

We choose to work with an adoption agency because I personally, could not handle another rejection at that stage in my life. While the costs were higher, the peace in knowing the birthmother was counseled, was given every option possible and was only released when their is no possible way for the birthmother to keep her child, was worth it, as they have a very low "displacement" rate. If a placement does happen, they understand the emotions of the couple and then you become the first one's to be placed with an "emergency placement" in which the office chooses the adoptive couple. Most displacements resulted in placements with 3 months. In addition, the agency we used does not allow a birthmother to select an adoptive couple until they are in the third trimester. Have you thought about letting an agency do all the hard work for you?

Rest, but don't you quit.... bye

[Linny]

Cynthia:
I, too am so sorry for your loss. It is so very hard, because you have no control over the situation. None of it was your choice, and I think that makes it even harder than many situations imaginable.
We have been somewhat in your shoes...and have gone on to adopt more children. Let me tell you a story I recently received from a friend and her husband in another state.
They had already adopted one child.....were trying very hard to adopt again. She sent an email to basically say, We're done, we're tired of failed adoptions. (They had been matched and birthmom decided to parent at the last moment....just like you.) She went on to say that they were not going to pursue another adoption as they had. They were only going to be content with the one child they had.

It wasn't a month later, when I received an email from her telling me that they had been selected through an agency they had remained with!!!! Furthermore, they were bringing him home within the next few days (state law required foster care for a few days).
They now have him at home, and all is well.

As mom to 1 said, there is another baby waiting for you. It will be the 'right' baby for your family. There are going to be 'blue days' because this is a loss and very unfortunate ending for you. But.......you will go on.....you must go on.....because sometime soon......the 'right' new baby is going to be coming home in your arms!

Most sincerely,

Linny

[alice76]

For my case it is even worst.

We actually had the baby back with us for 2 weeks, we had the baby shower and informed everyone and after 2 week we got to return the baby because of some adoption paper issue.

I really understand how u feel. Imagine keeping all the baby's things away, people questioning: Where's the baby?. Its so upsetting.

[thewatsonelf]

Cynthia,

I can certainly empathize with you. My husband and I were working with a place in Maine who basically misled us all along. They were facilitators, not an agency. We live in a state where facilitators are illegal. They were very vague about that little fact, which is a MAJOR issue. We had not even STARTED our homestudy and they had us on the phone with a bmom.

When we had our first rushed homestudy visit, our social worker told us, "You know, there is a good chance you will have some intense legal issues, since A) Facilitators are illegal in this state and B) The proper channels were not followed; step 1 is a completed homestudy, step ten is finding a bmom match." She had also handled one adoption through this organization and the couple ran up an additional LARGE legal bill due to this place not following the procedures in our state. She advised us to not contact the bmom until our homestudy was approved, since that could be seen as manipulation or coercison on our part. We checked with an attorney who literally freaked out when she heard we had already talked on the phone and exchanged emails with the potential bmom. The attorney told us to communicate ONLY with the organization in Maine until our homestudy was completed and approved. We conveyed this to the people in Maine, telling them we were still committed to the bmom, we just wanted to make sure all the legal things were in order.

Well, the same day I overnighted a check to these people, they called and said that they had advised the bmom to choose another couple, since we were not, and I quote their words, "Really serious about this."

I am a very easygoing person, I have no temper at all. My husband and I were on two phone extenstions with them and I literally threw the cordless phone across the room after hearing that.

Our social worker termed it a paper miscarriage. It took me a long time to even think of looking for another situation. Our social worker told me over and over, there is a child for you, you will find that child and it will be meant to be.

Happily, last monday, we met our daughter Mia. We had originally met the bmom, C, in January and hit it off with her immediately. Part of our attraction was that this would be the third child she had placed, and she was in her early 30s, so she had some maturity going for her.

My advice would be to insure that the birthmom you choose has had the consueling she needs to know she is making the right decision. And don't give up hope! There will be a child that is waiting for you to parent him or her!

Best wishes to you.

P.S. I still am angry with the place in Maine. We also received a very mean spirited letter from them in which they accused us of the failure of that adoption.

[bellazmama]

Hi!

We had two placements fall through within six weeks of one another. Both birth moms decided to parent. We told our agency that we needed some time off, so our profile was pulled for three months while we regrouped from these "emotional miscarriages." When we went back into circulation, we told the agency NOT to let us know about ANY baby until he/she was already in interim (agency foster) care. It worked for us.

The main thing is, YOUR baby IS out there!

Blessings,

Sarah

[thewatsonelf]

Our daughter is biracial and I am staring at that book on the edge of my bookcase. I love it! It's so down to earth and realistic. I think I've read it about 14 times now!

[faith_amom]

Sending hugs your way: (((( HUGS ))))

For the short-term, you get through just like w/any grief -- by putting one foot in front of the other. You feel like you can't possibly go on, but you do because you don't have any other choice. Each day gets a little less hard. Go easy on yourself and give yourself permission to grieve all that you need to grieve.

For the long-term, keep your eye on the prize. After all is said and done, you WILL be a mother one day. Adoption is such a test of perserverance and endurance, but it is survivable. I don't know what path to parenthood you will take, be it domestic newborn, internation adoption, or foster child. But the bottom line is that YOU WILL BE A MOTHER as long as you NEVER GIVE UP.

Are you a religious person? If so, lock yourself in a room and pour your heart out to God. Let out all of the anger and pain, and He will give you peace:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil. 4:6-7

God doesn't promise to change your circumstances, but He does promise to change your heart. He can give you peace to endure the future while you wait to meet your child.

Hang in there!!

- Faith

[mammadog]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it feels because my husband and I were there only 18 months ago. You have to take time to grieve the loss, but please don't give up on adoption.

After meeting our potential birthmon several times we felt very sure that the adoption would go fine and we'd have a happy healthy little boy in our arms by mid January. The birthmom changed her mind the day after he was born. We were devastated, we had bought all the baby stuff and painted his room, even picked a name. We told ourselves it was time to give up and get on with our lives. For some reason we didn't pull our profile from the agency.

Exactly sixty days after the failed adoption we got a call asking if the agency could share our profile with a potential birthmom. We said sure, not expecting anything to come of it. 45 minutes later they called to say that the birthmom wanted to match with us and wanted to keep the adoption closed. We were terrified of being hurt again. We waited two weeks before we decided to accept the match. Exactly 90 days after the failed adoption, our son was born. We saw him when he was only three hours old, the relinquishment could not be made until 24 hours later. It was a very long night! The next day the paper work was signed and that beautiful little boy was ours! He is truly the right child for us (OK, I thought that 'you'll get the child you're meant to get' was a load of crap until it actually happened to me!)

Our son is 15 months old now and the light of our lives. We could not be happier. I cry when I think of how close we almost came to not adopting this child.

Please hang in there.

[mkrekeler]

Cynthia, Let me say my husband and I have been where you are right now. And downstairs watching t.v. are my 10 and 9 year old children who I thought I would never adopt.
My husband and I had seven (yes 7) failed adoptions before the birth our our son. So, I know about disappointment. In fact, my son's birthmother changed her mind but 10 days later placed him with us. The pain was sometimes unbearable. You have to understand that as much as it hurts, that baby was not meant to be yours. But there is one that will be. I promise that. Just don't give up.
You asked about mass mailings....that's how we found both our children. We sent out 1000 letters to hospitals, college health centers, family physicians, ob/gyns, planned parent offices, and anyone we could think of. We were contacted by our first birth mother within one week of our first letters going out. It took 9 months (almost to the day) for us to bring home our son. Within that 9 months, we had contact with 7 other birthmothers and each failed at different stages of our relationship---one being after the baby was born---birthfather refused to sign relinguish papers.
We were contacted by our second birthmother one year after the birth of our son. My kids are 13 months apart. The adoption of our daughter was much smoother than our son.
Now, we have a very open adoption with both our birthparents which usually is scary to most couples who are on their adoption journey. Open adoption is not for everyone, but it has been a wonderful experience for us. My kids see their birthfamilies usually twice a year (around Christmas and their birthdays). My kids will grow up knowing their birthfamilies and knowing how much they love them.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Even if it's just a shoulder to cry on. I know what you're going through and it hurts so bad, I know you feel like you are at your wits end. But don't give up. Please don't give up. (Or you won't ever have your child begging you to get her some chocolate milk like I do right now---HA! Gotta run.)

[nancdobson]

Cynthia, I can feel your pain as I went through it all myself. Me and my husband saw a birthmom through six months of her pregnancy and she even had me go with her to her doctor and gave me the ultrasound pictures. When it got closer to her delivery we had stopped hearing from her. She finally had the baby, but decided to keep it and wasn't going to tell us. Not only were we hurt about the money that we had spent (which wasn't even the real issue), but the attachment that we had with her and what was to be our baby. We sat and cried for days on end. We took some time off from trying to adopt again and almost a year after that we received a call from our attorney letting us know that another birthmom had a 3 month old for us and we could come and pick up our son. It was quite a shock. My advise to you would be to take the necessary time out to grieve and then when you both are back in the swing of things, try again. Please keep in mind that not all birthmom's are scams, some are just very confused and when they see their baby, it's very hard to give up. I give ANY birthmom credit for giving up their own flesh and blood. Please be patient and the way that I looked at our ordeal, God just didn't mean for us to have that first one, he picked another little baby out that fit just right in our family. Your time will come, just be patient. I know it's very hard, but I would be willing to talk to you anytime over your feelings. It's always nice to have someone who has gone through what you have to sit and talk with and express your emotions. Adoption can be a roller coaster ride.

Nancy

[SuburbanMom]

It's really sad, but there are a lot of us in the "failed adoption" club. We matched with a bmom about 2 months before she delivered. I was with the baby in the hospital, then in a hotel room with him for 2 weeks. During that time bmom changed her mind and then changed it back to him. She was very committed to the adoption plan when everything fell apart due to legal issues.

It was so hard at first. I had no energy for anything, and then I realized that was because I was using all my energy to be mad, feel sorry for myself and feel guilt (because we didn't have the resources to continue to fight in court for this boy.) It was so hard, but I realized I had to go on. We'll never forget this baby, and the Phil Collins song from Tarzan ("You will be in my heart...") will always make me remember him and cry. But life goes on, and someday - hopefully sooner, rather than later - I think we'll have a baby, or child. As we're now looking into International adoption so we don't have to go through this heartache again.

[sillagirlll]

I am sorry please dont give up. I am a birthmom and had a baby girl on 1-11-04. I had a open adoption. It was my nurse for six years whom I didnt know couldnt have babies. She has had four failed adoptions. I belive when it is right it will happen. I chose adoption twice and both times was a happy and sad time. Yes I get sad sometimes. I hope and pray for you. Sometimes there are reasons thing dont go through where your not sure why and sometimes may never know. In time it will happen......

[mammadog]

It's so nice to see a post from a birthmom urging the adoptive couple not to give up. Eight months ago I posted saying that we got "our" son after a painful failed adoption. Since then, we've been blessed with the adoption of my son's full biological sister. She was 14 weeks early, drug exposed and very sick. But she's a fighter. She spent three months in the NICU, there were times we thought she'd never be normal. Now she's six months old, healthy and beautiful. We weren't still in the adoption program, but all the waiting parents at our agency turned this little girl down due to her potential problems. They called us, we're thrilled to raise these two beautiful children together. They are the ones we were really meant to have.