[Shelby6]

We have been agonizing the past two months during our home study (will be complete next week!!) about which country to adopt from. We were planning on Russia or Kazhakstan, maybe Uzbekistan, but recently realized we just don't want to wait as long as those countries seem to take.

We are very open to having a child of any race but we want to be sensitive to our child's needs as well. I am concerned about racism in our families. Now don't get me wrong, no one in either my immediate family or my husband's immediate family is outwardly racist (just the normal hidden racism we white people have in us), and all the extended family (plus we ourselves) live in urban areas with people of many ethnicities around. However, I am mainly concerned about my extended family, from small towns, very very conservative, all have many bio kids themselves, no adopted kids among the dozens of cousins and second cousins. I remember throughout my childhood and adulthood various occasional comments by cousins that seemed racist to me. I feel worried that I would get very protective of my child and I am worry how that child would feel in those environments (we only see these family members maybe one or two times a year).

I have to be really honest here and say, also, I am concerned about any hidden deep racism that exists within me and if I'd accept the child fully? On a conscious level, I adore children of all races, think they are all beautiful, etc (in fact, and I will get really honest here, I find children who are not white to be more attractive in general than white children). I am just worried, because I have never had a child of color as my own child before, if there'd be something the child would sense about my prejudice toward him or her.

OK, I am rambling many thoughts now, but we need to make a decision about a country very soon and I am struggling with this!!

Thank you for reading! Thank you for any thoughts you have.

[Rapids]

Dear Shelby,

First off, I think it's so important that we are 100% honest with ourselves. It takes courage to do so, and certainly takes courage to admit our questions regarding our own feelings in a public forum. I was in your exact shoes several months ago when we were trying to find a country and Ethiopia kept popping up on the radar. Trying to sort out my feelings, I wrote emails to 2 families my agency got me in contact with. They had also/were also adopting from ET.

I basically said a few of the things you did, about examining ourselves and our own prejudices, doubting our readiness to confront racial issues, and doubting the society we live in. One of the mothers told me that if I didn't do all this self examiniation ahead of time, that would be worrisome. She was very encouraging.

Over the months, we talked to friends that live in our area, as well as our extended family members. EVERYONE was positive about the prospect of us adopting from Ethiopia. Everyone. It was the encouragement we needed to finally make a decision. Now I can't imagine adopting from another country and we can't wait to bring our little girl home.

I have to say, that if I didn't feel we had the support of our extended family, I don't necessarily think that adopting from ET would have been a good choice for us. It is hard enough to confront prejudice and racial issues in society - imagine not being accepted from your own family. That is just not fair to the child, no matter how badly you want and love her/him.

Those are my 2¢. I wish you lots of insight, and luck.

[MamaS]

I adopted children of a color and ethnicity different from mine. At the time, I only had the support of my parents. Once the children arrived, my close cousins rallied around and fell in love with them. (MY children are definitely more beautiful than blue-eyed blonds IMHO!)
If distant relatives you see once or twice a year are negative toward your child, couldn't "once or twice" change easily to "not at all"? The child is not likely to miss much -- this isn't really close family, is it?

[hopefully4]

I had the same concerns, and it has really worked out well. My children are my children and the few comments I have gotten, none of which were directly about my children, I stop instantly. Does it mean breaking ties with some people? Yes, maybe, but the people you want in your life will be willing to change, and the others, I don't have time for them. I have six children, I am a busy person, and if you want to put yourself in a position where it is you vs. my kids, you will lose every time in my life. I know that sometimes it is considered mean, but again, I will never choose anyone over my kids, so I make that very clear and people can do what they want.

Katie

[2xaround]

I tried to respond to your post last night, but apparently there was a problem with the site or my computer and I see today that my response didn't post, so I'll try again.

You've taken a great first step in questioning how you and your family members would feel about having an AA child in the family. I know dh and I asked ourselves similar questions and only you can answer these questions for yourself.

Your post also sparked some other questions for me so I'm going to go ahead and ask since you are trying to figure out what it best for you and your family.

It appears that your first choices are Russia, Kazhakstan, and Uzbekistan. What drew you to those particular countries?

You also said, " we recently realized we just don't want to wait as long as those countries seem to take." I'm not familiar with the process for any of these countries and therefore have no idea how long you would wait for a child. I also assume that your social worker has explained to you that there are no guarantees in adoption. When we adopted our dd our agency was quoting 1-2 months for referral and then 6-8 months from referral to travel home. Our referral came in just over a month, but by the time she came home the process was taking longer and we had waited 9 1/2 months. Now we're adopting from Ethiopia and our agency, as well as most other agencies are quoting longer time frames. Referrals with our agency are currently taking 5-6 months for an infant girl and another 4-6 months before we will be able to travel to bring her home. We are anticipating that time table will most likely continue to lengthen as we get further down the road. I only give this information as examples of how unpredictable things can be in IA and while Ethiopia may take less time than other countries right now, you can't count on that being the case in the future.

If you have family members that aren't willing to look beyond the color of your child's skin, will you be able to break ties with those family members? Again, this is something dh and I asked ourselves because we knew for a fact that there were a couple members of our family that may have problems. Unfortunately, we did have to break those ties for the emotional well-being of our child and future child. These are family members that we rarely saw, but it was still a tough situation to deal with.

When you adopt a child, you adopt their heritage as well. Which country do you feel the stronger connection to? Will you be able to incorporate the cultures of that country into your family life on a regular basis?

What helped us most was reading books, magazine articles, internet articles, etc. on raising AA children. We ask questions of other families who have travelled this road. If you don't know any families personally, ask your agency if they can put you in contact with some families that would be willing to talk to you and answer some of your questions.

The best way to make a decision is by educating ourselves and it is obvious you are trying to do just that. Best of luck as you make this very important lifelong decision.

[Ladyofmoonlight]

We were worried about this at first as well. I was very worried about various racist statements I'd overheard over the years. I can tell you that some of the people who said them we just haven't seen and don't have any plans to. Others we have seen and regret it (it's a bit lucky they aren't racist toward our son's race as much as others, but I'd prefer not to be around people like that anyway). In the end you'll find that it's far easier to cut off extended family that's not supportive, especially since you'll be so busy with your child. You'll also maybe find, just like me, that the same people who say things about other races will say things about any child through adoption, as no matter what they don't view them as "your own." Ugh.

My biggest fear, though, was the worry that I'd have to deal with racism. I wondered if I was up to it. How would I help my child understand why others might treat him differently? How would I deal with it when he came into racial awareness and questioned our differing skin colors? And what about describing the US's history when it comes to people with African origins? Scary stuff, really made my head spin. Obviously my son is only 3 so I haven't had to deal with all that, but I can tell you I feel a heck of a lot more confident now, especially since we've been with him over a year and haven't had any bad incidents yet, just lots of positive stuff all around. There are also so many great books on the subject, so many great people online willing to talk and share, and so much support out there.

In the end it's your decision and only you two can decide. Honestly, I think it's great that you're questioning it so heavily because that means you're taking it seriously, and I do believe there are people out there who just jump right in without knowing what to expect. Good luck in your decision, and please remember to check out some of the great literature out there about transracial adoption.

[BethanyB]

If time or money is the only reasons you are considering adopting an AA child, I would suggest sticking with the countries you initially wanted to go through.

If there is a feeling in you that makes you think you can't love a black child the same way you could a white child, don't do a black child that disservice. To me, there is a reason behind that. I'm not saying your racist but you can't ignore those feelings.

When I began the adoption process I was open to race and I had no doubt that I would love a black child or a hispanic child just as much as a white child. No doubt.

As far as family, if you decide to do this, you may have to cut people out of your life. It happens, and it's not always easy but you do it because you love your kids and you want them to grow up in a positive, loving environment.

[ocracoke]

When you are opting to adopt a child from a different race then you it is not just racism that you have to deal with. I was adopted by a family in which I could have easily passed as my amom's bio daughter. We were always open and honest about our adoption but I was not faced with that fact every day. I opted to adopt from Ethiopia -- never doubted in my mind it was the right thing for me to do. I worried about racism -- including in my family. I do not face a lot of outward racism yet but we are noticed all the time. Kids walk by us in the mall and ask their parent's questions like (why do some black kids have white mamas?" when we can still hear them. Some kids will just look at us and say, "Now how did that happen?" And we are recognized. We live a major metropolitan area but every worker in every store we shop at knows our names (okay, part of that might be because my daughter is very outgoing). The produce stock boy talks to us at every shopping trip -- he doesn't do that with other families. Are you ready to be a noticeable family? Are you ready to be known by all as an "adoptive family"? If you don't want to have the possibility of this then I would suggest not adopting outside of your race - not matter what the cost or time frame is. If you are prepared for this lifestyle -- being noticed and talked about -- then go for it.

JMO,
Samantha

[Shelby6]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful thoughts and ideas. I am definitely concerned and worried but as I said I also feel very excited about the possibility of adopting a child of another race/ethnicity. I don't think my worry is enough to keep us from going ahead with the adoption, but I really need to reflect and keep thinking about it.

I am comfortable facing the remarks of other people in the community, or the remarks of relatives I don't see very often (and would certainly protect my child from negative experiences of a racist nature). I just worry that somehow these things would still leak through to the child and cause damage or harm.

More than worried about the feelings or remarks of others, yes, I am concerned about my OWN reactions and feelings. As I mentioned before, I am drawn more to children who are not white than to children who are. I find them more attractive and my heart just feels drawn to and interested in them. However, I want to be careful that any hidden racisim (that ALL white people have no matter how much we deny it) does not carry through or come across to my child when he or she is home. When I'm holding her or him, doing his or her hair, etc.

I was reading more online last night and came across some very scary and upsetting blogs and web sites (I can't linl to them now because my work computer won't do it, but I will try to do it another time from home) comparing interracial adoption to child abuse! Saying it is just another way of continuing slavery. These were blogs by activists but also by adults who'd been adopted as babies. It was so hard to read that I shut off the computer and when my husband wanted to talk about our adoption, I had a hard time talking about it (I was back to happy and excited about it this morning).

Anyway, now I am just babbling! Overall I am pretty sure we will adopt, I just want to keep thinking (inside and out loud) to work through all of this. Thank you for reading and for any other ideas, feelings or thoughts you have.

[ocracoke]

I would to see those links that you found -- although I fear it would make me angry at times. I have a cousin who was adopted from Korea as an infant and I have a feeling that she would disagree with most of those blogs. I just can't see how adoption and slavery are the same thing. I do NOT own my daughter. I just have the amazing opportunity to help her grow into the amazing adult I know she will be. She is still going to need to do chores around the house -- no matter what race she is.

Samantha

[2xaround]

I've come across similar blogs and websites before and they are upsetting. On the other hand, these are how some people perceive interracial adoption and it's important to be aware of this fact.

Our dd is from Guatemala and there are people in Guatemala who think that the only reason U.S. families want to adopt them is to harvest their organs. We all know this is far from the truth, but in the minds of these people, this is very true.

People here in the U.S. also have their opinions on why some adopt internationally or why someone adopts a child of a different race. They are entitled to their opinions regardless of how off base those opinions may be and as adoptive parents, we need to be prepared to deal with these type of people. Unfortunately, some of these people are in my extended family. All I can say is "they've been dealth with."

[Sohmakun]

Seriously, who is telling you that the wait times in Russia and Kazakhstan are long? In Kazakhstan, most people are getting their invitations to travel in less than 8 months! In Russia the wait for a boy is less than 6 month! If the wait time seems long for one agency then look at a different one because wait times vary from region to region

[Dawnb93]

I happened to pop over here from the Guatemalan and Russian boards. We brought our daughter home from Guatemala in December 07. We are as white as you can get without being albino and she has a beautiful natural dark tan all year round with black hair and black eyes. My husband was hesitant at first to adopt a child of a different race, but it was love at first sight and he is totally head over heels for this little girl. I didn't care what race the child was and I could not love my daughter any more if she had been born of my own flesh.

With that being said, and I'm not trying to discourage you from adopting from Ethiopia at all, I wanted to tell you about our second adoption. We are currently in process with Russia and our adoption is zooming along at top speed. We turned in the last of our paperwork in December of 08 and by January 20, 2009, we had a referral and were traveling to Moscow in early February. We are scheduled to go back for court on 3/12 and will have our son home by the end of March. So, that's a 3 month process from beginning to end (not counting the paperchase).

So, I don't know how fast you need/want your process to go, but Russia isn't necessarily a long process in my experience. Now, I realize that all adoptions are different, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be the long, excrutiating process you thought.

PM me if you would like the name of my agency. And good luck with your decision!

Dawn

[Adopting1Soon]

I think it's great you are willing to ask yourself these questions.

It would be a big problem if you didn't.

Haivng said that, when I first started thinking about adoption, i wanted an african child. Not asian, not white, not hispanic. I'm white myself. Not sure what is going on here except maybe that I grew up in africa for a few years during developmental times. But I also grew up in indoneisia and brazil.... so who knows why the heart speaks, but I think you should listen!

(Ethiopian adoption journey)