[drworm]

DH and I want to adopt child #2 and are seriously considering Ethiopia. My primary concern--which seems to be similar for some other posters too--is if we (who are, for better or for worse, WASPS) can properly raise an AA child. I think I'm particularly nervous about this issue because I have a coworker (who is white) with two adopted AA daughters and their family situation is, to put it mildly, awful.

We're not concerned about being an "obvious" family...our 2 year old son is from Guatemala (he's Mayan) and strangers often ask about our family and we are perfectly happy to answer questions. Our own parents and siblings are fine with transracial adoption of a child of any ethnicity. We do our best to celebrate our son's cultural heritage (in a number of ways) and would do the same for child #2, although we realize that our children will grow up with an essentially white middle class background.

I know it's completely illogical to think that I can handle the issues that might arise with a Latino/indigenous child better than with an AA child...who am I trying to kid, really...but there it is.

I think what I'm asking is, Do you think an AA child would be at a particular disadvantage (more so than other ethnicities) with white parents? Would it be unfair to an AA child to raise them in an essentially white culture? Are there any issues that are unique to AA children that we should be aware of? What can we do when our beloved children become teenagers and may suddenly be considered threatening rather than "cute"?

I feel kind of slimy writing out these questions...there's no good way to bring up the whole ethnicity issue without sounding racist. If I offended anyone with my post, please forgive me. We feel differences should be appreciated and celebrated but I know the rest of the world doesn't always think that.

Any information, links, personal stories, etc that you can share with me would be deeply appreciated. If you want to PM me that is great too. I am feeling more and more drawn to Ethiopia but do NOT want to do any disservice to an innocent child.

Thank you!!!
pam

[kimmom]

I just wanted to start off by saying you are not illogical you are RIGHT. Raising a child of central american descent is different than raising a child of african descent. The way people react to black and hispanic people is very different sometimes. Many people see being latino as being closer to white than being AA is. I know it is crazy but a lot of people are crazy.

Also I wanted to add that after your child is home with you he/she is AA, but a different kind of AA. Most AA people in the US know that they have African heritage your baby will have a more specific culture to celebrate. He/she will be from Ethiopia and not just that but from a specific tribe or people group.

Is it fair to raise an Ethiopian baby with white American parents? IMO as fair as it is to raise any int. baby with white American parents. My short answer..YES. What isnt fair is having lice all of your life bc the orphanage cant afford to treat it properly, starving to death bc your parents had a run of bad luck, or growing up to be a prostitute bc there wasnt money to go to school and it's sell your body or starve. I know, I know this is not always the case, but it happens. What I am getting at is the injustices in the lives of many of these children reach far beyond what they will experience as your child.

You are going to have obstacles, but thank God people seem to be getting more and more open minded and accepting.

There are transracial and transcultural adoption sections under Adoptive Parents on here as well if you would like to look around and post on those too. I cant answer all of your questions but I'll bet as a community we can answer most of them. Good luck and keep us posted!

[dajnda]

Pam,
I totally understand your questions. We thought long and hard about adopting from ethiopia, and have a heart for it. Ultimately, we decided to go back to China (even though there's a huge wait) and applied last week. It's a tough call, and you'll be in my thoughts as you seek answers to your questions . . .
-Amy

[teachamy]

You, my friend, have stated my thoughts exactly. I just found a memoir on line (Amazon) called Black Baby, White Hands which is by no means meant to be a "how you should raise a black child" instruction manual, just one man's story. I haven't read it yet, but I intend to.

Our first child was born in Korea, but we have only 2 Asian friends in our lives, and this worries me. As I think about a prosepctive AA child, I realize that all of our AA friends/family members live in other regions of the country. I don't want either of our children to feel isolated. They won't have the luxuries we are afforded by "white privelege", but I guess the first step in parenting and dealing with this issue is to accept our own privelege. I remember being the only white person in certain University courses in college, and as the minority, I felt it. It's pretty fascinating to be on the other side of the issue. Giving opinions that I felt had to in some way, represent my race as a whole. It was life-shaping. But I don't want my children to feel like their whole lives are some sort of sociological experiment. I don't want them to be "the only Asian kid in my class" or "the only black girl in my grade", so we are looking into ways to prevent that.

I would recommend finding some courses, either on line or through your agency that talk about these issues. Great questions, thanks for asking. By the way, feel free to PM me!

[rasbet1999]

I just want to add I agree it's not "wrong" to ask any questions, and they are all valid. I have considered the same, mainly where we live is somewhat diverse but it's in the south (I'm a MN girl myself lol). I will say since we started considering adoption I have become alot more aware of the diversity around me and there is more then I thought there was. We are planning to adopt an older child(ren) and will be possibly jumping right past the "cute" phase.

I really don't know that you should compare yourself to you're co-worker. There are SO many variables in each family. What is the girls background? What age were they adopted at? Internationally or foster care? What kind of parent is she? Is there a strong male role model in their life? You really need to go on what you feel is right for you and your DH.

I feel like we are taking a huge leap of faith (we're sending in our application as soon as I get up the courage to tell my parents lol (Not that they'll disapprove, just it's a very non-logical decision for us right now.), and finish getting our papers together. We don't know where the money will come from, we are open to girls, not knowing what to do with them, and we're open to children older then our oldest, again a "new" situation. But we feel it's what we're being pulled to do and we've had situations with our oldest son that we're not expected and we had to learn to parent through by the seat of our pants, and figured it out. It's also made me realize that no parenting will not always be easy or what we expect, but that doesnt' make it less rewarding.

This doesn't mean I haven't researched the heck out of it. I've wanted to adopt from foster care for years, but really don't feel as a family that is what is best for us now. I don't feel we are capapble of dealing with situations that are common in the FC system at this time. While there are "scary" things in Ethiopian adoption, none of the common situations are things we feel unable to cope with as a family.

I really like what Erin at the transracial adoption blog says on this issue, I suggest you go read her blog, and look back into the archives.

Best of luck making the decision that's right for you.
Beth

[ssirc]

Thank you for asking these questions. We are grappling with the same situation. We have a Chinese daughter and I love learning about Chinese culture and feel amazingly welcomed in local Asian cultural organizations. Her Chinese heritage is a wonderful addition to our lives.

Now we are considering adopting a second child-- from Ethiopia but we have concerns about white parents raising a black child. You are right, due to the racial, social and economic climate in the in the US, white parents raising an Asian or Hispanic child is very different from a black child. We would love to celebrate our child's heritage and culture in a similar way to how we celebrate China, but are really concerned about issues that could arise as the child attempts to navigate the troubled racial divide in the US. We don't want our child to feel alienated and miserable because we put him/her in a no win situation. I would love to believe that our good intentions, love and support would be enough, but is that fair? Or given that child's alternatives, is it a chance worth taking.

Would love to know what other posters have done, since writing these threads and if anyone has any feedback on what is really weighing heavily on us lately. Thanks.

[studswife]

Oh my goodness!!! You are soooo not alone! I have actually asked the same questions on this board. But I just want to mention to you, Your already thinking like a great mom! It's scary! I'm still scared!

I work with a girl that is AA and adopted at 15 by white family. She said that they tried to take her "blackness" away. It depressed her, When I mentioned my concerns, she said that the concerns were the first step and it was great we had these thoughts.

She told me the best thing to do is saturate the child with information about the childhood. Take tons of photos of Ethiopia. Get the children books and learn about the holiday ect.

My husband and I have decided that when our child is old enough. We want to do missions trips to Africa. Vacation and volunteer there. Show the child where he's from, but most of all teach him about humanity.

Teenage years will be hard. But who hasn't had a hard teenage life. Hopefully, as parents, we can be open and honest about our feelings as a family.

Considering that you have a child from another race is fantastic too. Late at night, I'm sure the two may have the "out of place" syndrome. (I have 2 cousins that use to talk to each other about it because they were adopted. ) One would complain and the other understood and would point out all they have.

I'm not saying "just do it and it will be fine." But I think with your concerns, it shows what a wonderful and compationate family you are creating. Smiles!

[teachamy]

In response to the question posted 2 spots above...here's what we decided to do. After laboring over the decision and discussing it again and again with my husband, we decided to adopt again from Korea. After researching Ethiopia and Africa, we've decided to become more involved in the ONE organization, and we've decided to sponsor an Ethiopian family through our agency. We have not ruled out a possible future adoption, but we know our ethical HUMAN responsibility is to give what we can to change the realities and inequities that exist in this world.

We decided to further immerse ourselves into the Korean culture and the vast Korean-American adoptive community which surrounds us as well. We are very greatful to Korea, and we feel comfortable with their program, and the nurturing care the babies receive in their foster homes, prior to coming home. For this second adoption, it is the decision with which we feel most comfortable.

Somehow I guess we are led where we are meant to go...
Amy

[JuliaS]

Of course I've wondered this myself. I've been trying to do some research, and I did find a study that was very heartening. It was done in Britain, which of course, doesn't mean it necessarily all applies to the US but... The researchers interviewed parents and children from biracial families and considered questions like how parents prepared children to deal with racism. The results are really interesting, and counter-intuitive. The black parents didn't necessarily feel any more comfortable than the white parents in offering advice to their children. Also, black parents often offered advice that differed from their own behaviors; the children tended to recognize this. White parents offered advice which was also often counter to their own behavior, and which was also picked up on by their children. Interestingly, too, there was very little difference in the advice that black parents and white parents gave to their biracial children. Most parents, in fact, both black and white, were ambivalent about how to guide their children. Their children, who were teenagers at the time of the interview, were generally aware of their parents' ambivalence, and told the interviewers about the strategies that they had worked out for themselves.

Anyway, who knows how applicable any of this is to the US context, but I found it heartening. Maybe we're all just wandering in the dark, taking our best stab. The kids, it seemed, were doing just fine.

Curious to hear more thoughts on this issue,
Julia

[olliegirl]

I just want to offer a different perspective . . . We are white parents adopting an Ethiopian child and did quite a bit of research on the data surrounding interracial adoption as well as reading quite a bit about people's real life experiences as transracially adopted children. i think this is something all of us should be prepared to do and owe this to ourselves as parents as well as to our children so we can be the best possible parents.
Having said all of that, I do think that at times we are all in danger of overthinking this . . . all children are different and all children will have issues with identity and getting made fun of etc. Some children are simply more resilient than others and will always have an easier time. . . so, I guess what I am trying to say is that if we are SO concerned with the fact that our child is black (and adopted) and we are white, is that serving a purpose or could that make the situation worse? This is a HUGE endeavor, as is child rearing (whether by adoption or birth) that deserves a great deal of thought and planning but I just think we can all take some pressure off of ourselves and relax!

A little rambling . . . sorry for that. Hope it makes sense!

Best,
Kelley

[Lori.NH]

Kelley,

My sentiments exactly - Thank You!

Best,
Lori - NH

[No_Such_Thing]

I agree. If you tell the child where s/he is from, make him/her a scrap book full of photos from when you picked them up in Ethiopia. Showing where they came from, and if you can, take them back when they are old enough to appreciate it. When tehy are lost teenagers.

All teenagers feel lost. It's kind of a pre-requisite to adult hood. Every teenager feels alone, perhaps it'll be worse for a black child with white parents. But if this AA child has AA friends, or AA community members s/he can talk to about the culture and learn from... Is that any different than a white teen with white parents, talking to a neighbor about something the neighbor knows and the parents dont? No.

These children need help. You are reaching your heart out to them, yes there are difficulties, but isn't that what parenthood is all about? Being able to endure the door slaming, object throwing, name calling fights, and ending hte day with, " I love you Mommy"

Regardless of race, jut by posting these questions you've already showed that you love this person enough to ask. You don't even know this child, and already you love it enough to ask questions that may or may not happen, several years from now. They are all very,very, very valid questions. But as long as you Love this child, nurture him/her, and asnwer any questions s/he might have.. HONESTLY, At the end of the day, Race doesn't matter... Love matters.

My Aunt and Uncle adopted two children domestically. One white, adn one East Indian. The daughter(white) is mentally handicapped(and is actualyl doing pretty good these days) And the Son, Matt, is East Indian. Alyssa went looking ofr her birthparents, which made Matt, very angry. He told the whole family he didn't care where he came from my aunt and uncle were his parents and he didn't care who said anythign else. They raised him, they fed and clothed him. Maybe his skin was a bit darker, maybe his hair was black, maybe he didn't look like them, but that meant nothing becuase they are his family.


Love conquers all.

[2xaround]

My husband and I are seriously considering Ethiopia as a possibility for our second adoption. These are some of the very same questions we've had as we've researched Ethiopia as a possibility and I've very much enjoyed reading all the wonderful responses. Another point I'd like to make is how important it is for our children to have the opportunity to regularly socialize with other families that look like theirs. We are in the process of adopting a baby girl from Guatemala and have already established a relationship with other families in the area who have also adopted from Guatemala. Should we adopt from Ethiopia in the future, we feel it would be important to also establish relationships with other families in our area who have adopted from Ethiopia. Not only does it provide our children a chance to see that their families are not so different afterall, but as parents it's nice to be able to discuss our concerns and the milestones we have reached along the way.

[drworm]

Thanks everyone for your input . After consulations with friends, family, and people of color within our community, we have decided to go ahead and adopt from Ethiopia. We're nervous and excited and I'm sure we'll make plenty of mistakes, but we will do the very best we can.

I agree that it is certainly easily to overanalyze a situation (and I tend to hyperanalyze everything anyway)...many of the issues I worried about before my son came home turned out to be not such a big deal after all. (And things that did become an issue, well, we just deal with them...no biggie.) I'm slowly learning that it is, in fact, OK to relax and "just" enjoy my kid(s).

Cheers
pam

[realty_chic]

Wow! Your post put my questions and concerns into words so well. Thank you for asking those tough questions honestly. And thank you to responders who gave such incredible insights. This is the first time I have read this forum, and I am truly impressed by the honesty and support I see here.

I began reading this forum because after thinking I had decided on a country, I discovered some new information that sent me back to the research stage again. At the moment, I'm feeling very out of control because I really thought I had this nailed down. I hadn't considered adopting from an African country because I live in a very rural part of Indiana. Although my family and friends would be very supportive of any child, I also have concerns about the larger community - well actually not the community, really, just the fact that diversity is NOT our strong point! ;-) However, I really feel very called to adopt a child that needs a home and lots of love, not just adopt a child who will meet my needs and wants. I feel as if I'm rambling, but sometimes just writing it down helps. Thanks again!

RC