[dajnda]

Well, I told my mom and dad that we are planning to adopt from ethiopia next and they were not happy at all. I knew they wouldn't be, but still it's a shocker. We had boys that are in grade school and just adopted a girl from china last year. They love her and have not had much trouble with a chinese granddaughter at all, but in there eyes a "black" baby is totally different. OK, so i know there's a bit of racist in them, and they know it. And, i know they'd love our daughter from ethiopia, but what do we do? The questions they brought up are interesting: are we thinking about her? who will she marry? would a white person marry or date her? she'll never fit in with a white family? she'll never fit in at school and always be a misfit? why ethiopia? why not china again?
I feel like we have valid answers to all of those questions, but they weren't enough for them. they disagreed with us. I told her i've done my research, but she said that any research i have is skewed anyway!!! UGH!!! Like I said, i knew it was coming, but it's still a tough one to handle.
SO, my question is this: has anyone else dealt with this?? how did you handle it?? what are the answers to those questions?? Am I just tricking myself in that an adoption from ethiopia is not a big deal for society? Thanks for listening.

-Amy
(getting ready to start the process)

[renee3113]

Hello Amy,

I'm afraid I can't be of much help, because even though we are in the beginning stages of adopting from Ethiopia ourselves, those issues are also ones that we wonder about. I'd love to hear people's feelings about those concerns.
Also, I'd love to find out about people's reasons for choosing Ethiopia.
We are in the midst of a VERY long wait for Taiwan and are considering adopting from Ethiopia in the meantime.


Renee

[have1wantmore]

Hey everyone. Our pastor has adopted to bi-racial children domestically. His wife, who I absolutely love, posed this question to us: How do you feel about Black in-laws? Well, for me, I have a bi-racial neice, but she's actually my sister because my parents adopted her when she was 11ish. My 7 year old son does not see her color and neither do I. I think it is very important, but not easy to do, is to put our children's ethnicity first and foremost in raising them. I am excited about incorporating Ethiopian culture into our own family traditions. I know a lot of people will look at us funny, but to be honest, I really don't care. Our social worker did a post-placement, similar situation. This particular family handled it this way: "shhh..my husband still thinks he/she is his." DH and I just rolled over laughing -- I thought that was a great response.

Ok, so it's not going to be easy. But I'll tell you this, it is so much more accepted today in our society than it was 22 years ago when my neice/sister was born.

We are also fortunate that in our church there is another couple that recently adopted a bi-racial child domestically, and another set of grandparents with biological bi-racial children. And a mixed race couple that is pregnant with their second child.

And to be completely honest, I think God is asking me to step out on faith, because during this process I've had to deal with prejudices of my own that I didn't know I had.

My advise to you is this: if you truly feel that Ethiopia is the country for you, than go for it!

I don't know if my comments helped, but I think its great that we can talk about our concerns and issues openly and honestly.

Robin

[dajnda]

Thanks, robin, you are very helpful. I JUST talked with my dad (my mom was earlier today), and he said "if you want the headache, then go for it" (talking about "black" people). Then i think he caught himself and switched to the size of our family. It seemed a big deal for us to have 5 kids. oh well, more to think about.

I know people are reading this thread, so let's hear what you have to say :-)

-Amy

[eyesonchrist]

There is a lot to think about isn't there! The biggest question my family poses it that how will she feel being the only black child in our whole family? And my response is, I don't know how she will feel. My mom said she will love her but was concerned about how she would feel about herself. We chose Ethiopia because God opened out hearts to Ethiopia. I believe God instilled His love for His children in Ethiopia into our hearts. And so we followed. There is no other reason really. That is why we chose that country. And I wouldn't turn away for anything now!! I am looking into support groups, books and such on trans-racial adoption and do have fears of our child feeling alone in the world. Will love cover everything? Probably not, but my prayer is that love will get us through whether it be pain, worry, fear, therapy, that love will win out in the long run. Maybe I'm naive, maybe not.
Smiles,
jen in MI

[ocracoke]

When I decided to adopt from Ethiopia I had some real concerns about how certain family members would react. I was pretty sure my mother's side would be okay with it since I have a cousin adopted from Korea. They embraced the idea and they love my daughter. I do, however, hear mildly racist remarks from them. I say mildly because they don't realize what they are saying is racist or derogatory. I take the opportunity to educate them.

I was more concerned with my father's side of the family. Mostly I was concerned about my grandfather. I know that when I was adopted into my family 30 years ago the first question that was asked is if I was white. I fretted over it a bit but knew this was my decision and it was the right decision. I wrote my grandfather a letter and sent him some information about Ethiopia, the devastation there, the need to adoptive parents, and pictures. I explained that it was the right thing for me and in my heart I knew my daughter was waiting for me. I told him that I was going to call him on a certain day at a certain time so I could discuss it with him. Before that appointed time he called my dad but my dad pointed him in my direction. When I called I let him voice all of his concerns. I let him talk about his worries. And then I calmly answered all of them. A lot of them were racist notions and stereotypes. By the end of the conversation he was able to say that it was apparent that I had thought it through.

Now he worries about her being the only black person. I try to remind him that I live in a large city in the south -- she sees lots of black people. As a matter of fact in her day care center of about 70 kids there are about 5 white kids in it. And he loves her. He just can't get enough of her. She is one of the few things that can make him smile since my grandmother died. She even has my grandmother's name in hers.

I am single so I didn't have to worry about in-laws.

Samantha

[skoi]

We're facing a similar problem, but most of the extreme racists in our family don't talk to us already anyway. We still have family members who haven't really accepted our daughter from China, and she's been with us for over a year. Of course they don't accept anything we do, so this is just one more step further off the path they think we should walk. They didn't think and still don't think we should adopt at all- we don't have enough money (I stay home with the kids and homeschool), we don't have enough room, we shouldn't "take in other people's problems", etc.

I know I would have no problems having other-than-White inlaws, my family might never speak to us again though, and it might be our decision to make it so. If there's clear disparity between our bio kids and our Chinese daughter and our son from Ethiopia- then we're done. Our oldest children have already been turned off by sentiments our family members' have expressed in front of them, so they really don't care. Sad, but that's the way it is.

I really envy those of you who have such supportive families. Our friends are great. Our priest is very supportive, and the younger people in our church. In-laws are also great, they can't wait for the new grandchild to come home, but my family.

So sorry for the long rant- this issue of family disapproval has come up a lot recently for us on all fronts, and we're not even discussing the adoption until we're ready to travel. I'm at the point where I'm thinking, "too bad extended family, get lost".

[dajnda]

Wow, skoi, our situations are very similar. pretty sad stuff, i think!!
Thanks for the rant, very helpful, indeed!!!


-Amy

[leastcmplicated]

Perhaps I have a bit of a different mentality. My mentality is "eff em, if they dont support me and my son then they arent worth it to begin with"

Of course my parents had some reservations at first, now my mom calls me "Ya know, I was at the Kroger the other day and I saw this little black boy and I said 'thats gunna be me chasing after that 2 yr old soon'" So she has gotten over it. My brother is totally ok with it. My dad hasnt said a word about the fact that he will be black, he asks about the adoption all the time but has never asked any questions about my choice.
I guess my point is, 98% of the time he will be with us. We love him, we support him, and if the rest of my family doesnt accept him that that is their loss and their ignorance. They will either come around and accept him and us or they wont and I have no problem whatsoever cutting those types of people out of my life.

Sorry if I seem kinda harsh, but I just dont play those ignorance games. I have 0 tolerance for those who hate on others for anything, race, sex, sexual orientation, age, gender... whatever.

[skoi]

Originally Posted by leastcmplicated

Perhaps I have a bit of a different mentality. My mentality is "eff em, if they dont support me and my son then they arent worth it to begin with"

This is the attitude we're going to have, though with the older kids we had to have some discussion about it. They're honestly relieved they might not have much to do with some relatives, because they don't feel comfortable with them.

However- when your agency/homestudy agency/postplacement agency asks, "how does the extended family feel", how do you reply? Do they view it negatively that your family is in opposition?

[leastcmplicated]

my social worker asked about my immediate family, mom, dad, brother. She didnt ask about extended family.

your family unit (kids, parents) is what really counts, at least to me. If your kids are okay with it, then they are a lot more mature then the adults that arent, of course this is IMO.

[rasbet1999]

We are a long way off from adopting but we've talked extensively about this. We know we will adopt from Ethiopia at some point (barring new regulations, world situation, etc). Honestly for me it is not an issue of choosing a country, in fact we weren't even thinking adoption at all for a long time yet, but Ethiopian adoption found me through my normal web surfing, and the more research I do the more I feel we are "suppose" to do this. Even my husband, who is the "rational one" said one day out of the blue he agrees with me.

I am perfectly comfortable with handling the problems "society" will throw at us. Family might get sticky. My family will be fine, and while my mom will have legitimate concerns about society and culture, she'll accept the child(ren) without problem.

My IL's well they'll take one of 2 points of view. Either it will be that they cannot have a grandchild who is not a blood relation (has happened), and there will be a huge disparity of how they treat our bio kids and adopted kids, and we'll have to cut ties, OR they will take a self - righteous view of how we are going over to save the "poor uncivilized" children, doing God's work (while I do feel this is "God" thing, I don't thing I don't see it as saving the children, but adding to our family). Honestly they will probably never accept them as grandchildren, but we will lay down the law that if any of our children ever perceive this they will not be able to be a part of our family. We only see them once a year so it's not like they'd have to "pretend" for long.

I also expect to just avoid some "issues" with them.I suspect my MIL would be embarrassed to have the town people know they have 'black grandkids", so we'll just stay on the farm when we visit, we usually do anyways. Also my BIL has a tendency to make comments at times. He's been better since the time I told him off (hey no one warned me how strong other BIL makes margarita's ;-), but has been slipping again, but while I vocally disagree with him, I haven't really told him off in a while lol.

While Dh is expecting to just cut all ties with them, I feel it's important to try to keep some family peace and connectioin for the simple fact that as far as our boys are concerned (ages 6 and 3) they are a good Grandma and Grandpa. Even if it means we don't visit, and let them know if even gifts aren't sent no one will receive a gift, but all the kids will still send them cards pictures etc.

Beth

[olliegirl]

The fact that we all have to worry about this topic really makes me sad. It is as if people are trying to make us feel bad about doing something that is wonderful . . . and I don't mean wonderful for the adopted child, but wonderful for my husband and I AND wonderful for our bio kids!!! My father keeps telling people what a hard life this child we are adopting from Ethiopia will have . . . I am not naive enough to pretend that there will not be issues. But these are issues that we are all intelligent enough to educate ourselves about and hopefully, our education along with our love for our children will see us throught these issues . . . it isn't like so called "normal" families don't have any issues.

Anyway, I have SO much more I can rant about but I will spare you ;-) It is just really sad to me . . .

Kelley
Bio dd 3
bio ds 15 months
requesting an infant boy from Ethiopia

[have1wantmore]

Hey Jen:

It's called FAITH....and it's a beautiful thing!

[have1wantmore]

Kelley:

Normal...what's normal? If my family thinks they are normal, then we are in big trouble!!!! Sadly, I haven't talked to my dad since December; my mom died two years ago on April 8th (Easter). He's made a point of letting us know we are not his priority, so I haven't felt a strong desire to pick up the phone and tell him of our latest endeavors. I look at it this way -- it's his loss, not ours.