[Keika]

My wife and I are adopting from Ethiopia...

We got our referral yesterday (and she looks and sounds beautiful!). Our quandry centers around a name....

Her name, obviously, is very African sounding, and we are trying to decide what do to about it. We already have two biological children with EXREMELY American names....We are trying to decide how to handle the name thing.

Here are the options we are considering:

1. Just use her given name. The positive here is that we honor her, and her mother by using the given name. The issue is that she, who will already be the only child of color in an all white family, will be made to feel even MORE different because of her unusual name.

2. Use her given name as a middle name and give her an American sounding first name. The positive here is that she will still have her given name, albeit as a middle name. The concern here is that by moving her given name to a middle name we feel like we may be de-valuing it.

3. Keep her given name and, on a day to day basis call her some sort of play off of it....a nickname that is related to her given name. (For example...if her name is Ahamleah...we would think about Leah) The positive here is that she will keep her given name. The concern is the same as in the second option...that we are de-valuing her name by messing with it.

We are REALLY struggling with this issue and would appreciate any feedback.....

Thanks....

[Carrie7310]

First congrats! How exciting! I guess my questions is she an infant or an older child? I would not hesitate to change an infants name and probably will for my child. I plan on giving my child a family name to help her feel more bonded in our family. An older child would be a little harder. I would struggle there.

Good luck.

[Keika]

Thanks for the fast reply....

She is only 2 1/2 months old.....

I still wonder though....when she turns adolescent, will she be upset about us abandoning her natural name? (I know as an adolescent she will find a reason to be upset with us no matter what!!). Her mother is deceased and this might be a way that she can live a little.....

[bluedaisy]

Keika, I know you mean well, but I think you might consider referring to your daughter's name as Ethiopian rather than African (assuming she is from Ethiopia). Africa is a huge continent with dozens of nations, hundreds of tribes and ethnic groups, and even more languages. Eritrean and Ethiopian names are quite distinct from other African countries. And, some African countries have English, Dutch, French, etc. names due to the legacy of colonialism.

Now, as to names: I am so glad my son has an Ethiopian name. It works in English, though, since it's an Old Testament name. Because of his name and his distinctive Ethiopian appearance, other Ethiopians recognize him, and that's been wonderful.

I'm not sure what to suggest about your daughter's name. Even if you do change her first name, I urge you to keep an Ethiopian name somewhere in there, as someday that might be very important to her.

For what it's worth, I think most folks dislike their name at some point, and love it later in life.

[kidmd2b]

I think that your option number 3 is a good one. I think that your daughter will see that most children have nicknames whether their full name is Hispanic, African or just a very long American name. Coming from a former teacher in a very diverse district, many children go this route from very early on, not because they devalue their full name, but because it is much easier for their Kindergarten peers to pronounce on the school yard. Believe me, with 4 Jacobs in a class, kids are used to coming up with name variations as to avoid confusion. My sister was an Elizabeth which we called her at home, but in school and out side activities she was Liz. It may not even occur to your child that you are shortening her name because you are devaluing it, as I am sure you are not.
Cindy

[mommytoEli]

just popping over....for what it is worth, we adopted 4 kids, and did change our youngest 2 names when they were still babies. <<we gave the older 2 the option of changing their own names, but when what they picked was unacceptable to us, we convinced them to keep their birthnames>> frankly, we just wanted to......but the thing we decided was that when they were older if they were absolutely upset about the name change, it is not that big of a deal to change it back, or let them pick their own name once they are 18. i really don't care what my children's names are, as long as they are happy.....i don't care if they dislike their birthname, or the name i chose, or they change their names 5 times once they are older, as long as they are happy. everyone will have a different opinion on this, in the end, you need to do what you feel is right for your child and your family....knowing that later, you can always change your mind.

[Keika]

Bluedaisy....

Thanks for the relpy....

I appreciate your looking out for my appropriate use of terminology....I certainly meant to offend no one and I do know that Africa is a massively diverse place.

The reason I said an "African" sounding name is because I was referring to how she might feel about it as she grows up....Will the fact that those that she meets, will likely think of it as simply an African name be a problem for her? People will not view it as a connection to Ethiopia....simply Africa.....The point I was trying to make....

Personally I dont care what the people think....I just want to make this as easy on her and as respectful to her and her mother as possible.....

Just trying to muddle my way through this.....

[ocracoke]

I was so sure that I was going to name my child when I adopted her. I picked out the name. It wasn't because of the sound of the name but because I wanted to name my child.

My daughter was 18 months at referral and I had no problems with the idea that her name would change. I was adopted at 7 years and I changed my name and I knew it was really easy for me to adjust and I was hoping that she would adjust too. But once I got the referral I hesitated. The meaning of her name is a part of her story that led her to me. Her name is Biset and it means "If He gives." I know that it is a religious meaning but it was her father that relinguished her to the orphanage so it also has a personal meaning for me. If he hadn't given her up I would not have her. I decided to hold off on making a decision until I actually met her and once I did I knew she was Biset. Ironically, her name is so rare in Ethiopia that people often assume it is a different name that is far more popular in Ethiopia -- Bizraet.

I kept the name I picked for her, too. She is a little girl with 4 names. As she grows she is welcome to use of them. And since I changed my name as an adult (yep, 2 name changes), I will also support her if she opts to change her name as an adult. Whatever she identifies with will work for me -- within reason.

Samantha

[HongKongMomma2B]

Congratulations on your referral! I wanted to make a comment about keeping her given name and using a nickname on a day-to-day basis. My friend has a child who just started kindergarten this year. Before going to kindergarten, we called her by her nickname. She hardly knew her given name. When she went into kindergarten, the child's teacher told her parents they needed to start calling their child by her given name so she could get used to it because the teacher would be calling everyone by their given names and teaching them how to write their given names- not their nicknames. It only took a few weeks for the child to get used to responding to her given name, but it was a struggle for a bit.

Just thought I would tell that story. They didn't think it would be an issue by using a nickname, but for the school they enrolled her in it was.

Good luck in your choice!

[onemorechild]

I have an adopted son from S. Korea and we call him by the name that the foster parents called him despite the formal name we gave him upon the referral. His nick name is from his Korean name. He knows what his formal name is because his school stuff all says it and i call it every once in a while, but he goes by the nick name almost exclusively. We told the teacher that was his name he responds to and that is what he wants to be called. She changed her names tags etc for him. So, there are a bunch of ways to to deal with the issue. I ask him occasionally if he wants to go by his formal name, but he says no. He is 7. I am awaiting a referral for a 4-5 yr old boy from Ethiopia
Elizabeth

[teranga]

I think it's worth mentioning that your daughter's name may not have been given to her by her birth parents...many of the infants in Ethiopia are given their names by either the person who found them or someone at the orphanage. So you may want to find out who named her. For me, I would have been more likely to keep my son's name if his birth mother or father had given it to him, but they did not.

My son was 8 months when we adopted him. We found out he had 2 names--Mamush Bekele. Mamush simply means "boy" so we were certainly not keeping that as a name...it's used in Ethiopia until a boy has a name and also to call a child when you don't know his name, but it's not a given name. Bekele was someone who knew my son in Ethiopia (not a biological family member). We kept Bekele as his middle name, and changed Mamush to a name of our choosing.

Also, we decided (before the referral) that if his name were easy to pronounce, we'd be more likely to keep it. We thought about keeping Bekele as his first name and calling him "Bek", but, as you mentioned, he already stands out in our family and our community, and I didn't want him to have to correct teachers and others throughout his life as they attempted to pronounce Bekele (it's not pronounced as we'd thought it would be).

[riverview]

what is her given name?

[Keika]

Her given name is Bedilwa

[riverview]

that is a beautiful name but extemely difficult to pronounce. It might make a great middle name or is there a version which is easier , esp to spell for kids?

[riverview]

after much searching today I found something similar to your name with the meaning...
Bedelwa - Amahric 'with her luck' .
Amahric (Ethiopina language)