[JenC]

It seems like I've been posting a lot on here lately! Anyway, I just posted this on my blog and wanted to share...


Deep thoughts
I've realized that I've been feeling more sad these last few days than happy about our adoption. Yes, I'm happy that we're bringing a babe into the family, don't get me wrong. I'm not alone in this, most if not all parents who adopt internationally experience these emotions. Will our babe one day grieve deeply for the family that he'll never remember, that he was only with for a few short months, or will Ethiopia just be a place far away that he came from? Will he have a longing to go back "home", or will he feel like home is here? One day he will realize the loss in his life - of his firstfamily, of his homeland. He will realize that the parents who gave him life either relenquished him due to circumstances, or died. It will one day dawn on him - it usually happens about 8-10 years old. It grieves my heart to realize that Ethiopia is so impoverished that the families realize that the best they can offer is another home, and they go through the heartbreak of relinquishment. We don't understand the emotions they go through, not knowing if this generation has any hope of life in their home country.

Deep thoughts that break my heart.




I know I'm not alone. How do you deal with this? It's just really hit me the last day or so. The sense of loss is so great in my heart lately, I'm trying not to cry a lot of time. How do you get through it, or will it pass?

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by JenC

I One day he will realize the loss in his life - of his firstfamily, of his homeland. He will realize that the parents who gave him life either relenquished him due to circumstances, or died. It will one day dawn on him - it usually happens about 8-10 years old.

It doesn't have to be a sudden realization- these are topics you can discuss with your DS (at an age-appropriate level) as he is growing up. Yes, these are issues that he will have to deal with, and it will be more painful to him at some times more than other times. But if it's an ongoing, open conversation, I suspect that it will be easier to discuss than if it's a one-time conversation.

It grieves my heart to realize that Ethiopia is so impoverished that the families realize that the best they can offer is another home, and they go through the heartbreak of relinquishment.

It is wrong to assume that money is the only reason that a child would be placed for adoption. There are MANY reasons (reasons that also exist right here in America) that a child may be placed for adoption. Health issues, mental illness, poor social support for birthmother, stigma of being a single mother, inability to care for another child when there are already many small children in the home, etc.

Are you planning to travel? I assume from your post that you don't yet have the referral of a child. Depending on circumstances, sometimes it is possible to meet your child's biofamily. We had the opportunity to meet and have a very long, meaningful discussion with our DS's biofamily. I can tell you that money/poverty was NOT the primary motive for the decision to place DS for adoption. Actually talking with DS's biofamily was an amazing experience, and was incredibly enlightening.

We don't understand the emotions they go through, not knowing if this generation has any hope of life in their home country.

Again, I'm going to really encourage you to travel if at all possible. Talk to people while you are there. Although there are some people living in horrible circumstances in Ethiopia, the same can be said of the USA. I met many people in Ethiopia who were very hopeful about the future of their country. In particular, I met and had several very nice, long conversations with a young woman (about the same age as I am), who was a single mother and small business owner. Talking with her gave me incredible insight into the fact that no matter where they live, people are people.

I know I'm not alone. How do you deal with this? It's just really hit me the last day or so. The sense of loss is so great in my heart lately, I'm trying not to cry a lot of time. How do you get through it, or will it pass?

It will pass. At least, it did for me. Although I certainly haven't forgotten about my DS's sad beginnings, it's not in the forfront of my mind all of the time. My DS has been home for almost a year, and we're preparing to start the process to adopt again. Acknowledging that loss is at the heart of adoption is a very important thing for adoptive parents. It will help you to relate to your child better, and help him better when he has questions or difficulties later on in his life. Adoption isn't perfect, but for many kids (my DS included), it's the best choice in an imperfect world.

[JenC]

Anne,
Thank you for such good information! Yes, we are travelling - I'm the one who put up the travelling for dummies post. Your response there was so helpful and informative. Thank you!

I feel like I really went out on a line posting my rambling thoughts on this post. Thanks for being kind and gentle and educating, and not ripping me to shreds!

Off to work now, I'll be back later this afternoon to add more.

[mommytoEli]

jen....
i have not adopted from ethiopia...yet...but I have four adopted kids...including 2 older kids almost 12 and 13. they are very verbal and are able to talk about mourning for their bio-family. granted they were older when the came into our care, so they remember their first fam. it really effects them more than i thought it ever would. i just want to say two things to you. first, i absolutely commend you for thinking in advance about this and for acknowledging that a day will come when your child will question and grieve his situation. i think that it is the biggest hurdle...so many parents think this will not happen. i definitely was NOT prepared the other day for my dd to say that she planned on naming her baby someday "emma" after her first mom(who passed away). BUT....surprisingly, i was okay with that.....and responded immediately that i thought that was a good idea....it opened up a really good conversation about her first family....i guess what i am saying is, yes, your kid will go through this, just be there for them, let them talk to you, let them cry, question, and wonder.....your best resource is to have someone in your circle of friends or family who is also adopted. we've met so many fams with adopted kids their age...and it really helps my kids to see that it is not just them and that actually there are many kids just like them whose life situation forced them to be seperated from their first family. it makes them feel "normal."

second.....how do i deal with their loss...just like you...i cry...sometimes when i go into tuck them into bed (my other 2 are 10 months and 3 1/2)...i just cry when i think about this perfect little life and the many losses they sufferred before getting here. but i am thankful for the opportunity to have these children in my family. i know that we have made a positive difference in the lives of my children already when my older 2 say they will not "have" children b/c they would rather adopt children. i love that. it means that despite their rocky beginnings....despite the fact that they mourn for their first family, despite the fact that i am sometimes "so mean" b/c i make them make their beds and eat vegetables...deep down....they realize that adoption helps children and adoption is a good thing. i am thankful for people like you who are willing to adopt AND realize that it may not always be easy....it is not....but it is ALWAYS ALWAYS worth it! thank you for being willing to make a difference in the life of a child in need of a home

[fochtru]

Jen--
What a great thread. Thanks for putting yourself out there and posting your thoughts. I have had similar feelings (I'm in the process of adopting from Guatemala and have been lurking over here hoping that my second child will be from Ethiopia). I have two adopted sisters who are now 39 and 40. They struggled as kids and still struggle as adults. We just didn't have as much info as we do now about how to help them deal with the grief and loss. I think it's so much healthier to talk about it and let them discuss their thoughts and feelings.
I'm sure you will get lots of good info and advice.

[ocracoke]

Jen,

When I got my referral the first question I had was if she had any siblings. It would have broken my heart if I had separated siblings. I lost 5 of my 6 siblings when we were all split up and adopted and I didn't want to do that. After seeing her referral information I asked my agency why she couldn't stay with her grandmother instead of being adopted. In a way I felt like I was trying make sure that I was her last option. I wanted a child -- more then I can possibly describe -- but I wanted to know that I was not removing this child from a loving family. The reality is that I was removing this child from a loving family. This was a family that loved this child so much that they took the time to plan for her for when they would no longer be able to care for her. I remember telling somebody in the early stages of my adoption that I was not going to be raising somebody else's child. I was going to raise MY child. Once I had the referral and knew her circumstances I knew I was wrong about that. She is MY child. But she was also theirs. She was will her mother until her mother died and then her father turned her over to an orphanage and gave information about the family since he knew that he, too, would be dying soon.

I will have no way to lessen the pain that my daughter feels as she learns this but she will know the love of her family - both families.

[ocracoke]

Jen,

When I got my referral the first question I had was if she had any siblings. It would have broken my heart if I had separated siblings. I lost 5 of my 6 siblings when we were all split up and adopted and I didn't want to do that. After seeing her referral information I asked my agency why she couldn't stay with her grandmother instead of being adopted. In a way I felt like I was trying make sure that I was her last option. I wanted a child -- more then I can possibly describe -- but I wanted to know that I was not removing this child from a loving family. The reality is that I was removing this child from a loving family. This was a family that loved this child so much that they took the time to plan for her for when they would no longer be able to care for her. I remember telling somebody in the early stages of my adoption that I was not going to be raising somebody else's child. I was going to raise MY child. Once I had the referral and knew her circumstances I knew I was wrong about that. She is MY child. But she was also theirs. She was will her mother until her mother died and then her father turned her over to an orphanage and gave information about the family since he knew that he, too, would be dying soon.

I will have no way to lessen the pain that my daughter feels as she learns this but she will know the love of her family - both families.

[JenC]

I just gotta say that this is a great thread! I was so afraid of being ripped into or bashed. I hope to learn much more during the process about how to handle our babe's realization of his/her loss someday. It's comforting to know that all you other parents experience this and have dealt with it before.
Thank you!

[teranga]

I agree this is a great thread. Thanks for starting it.

On the topic of hope for the future, I think it's fair to say that yes, that is certainly there. I lived in a very poor (subsistance farming, and not always enough food to even squeak by) village in W.Africa for 2+ years when in the Peace Corps, and one of the things which absolutely struck me was how joyful, and loving, and giving, and optimistic people were. In fact, I'd say they had a better attitude all around than most Americans I know! My experience there was what led me to choose Africa (and ultimately Ethiopia as it has such a stable program). I want my kids to know about all the wonderful sides to such a tough life...and there are so many wonderful things about it. There is a lot of death and disease and poverty and suffering, but there is also so much laughter and love and humor and hope and appreciation...

As for the other subject you raised..it's one I think about quite a lot. Our son has been home since 02/05, so over 1.5 years, and I do look at him and think about it...I think about his loss, and it saddens me that he has lost not only his family there (and that his bio mother has lost him), but also his culture, his history, his status as a "majority" rather than "minority." I don't even know what ethnic group he is, and that is SO important in Africa...I've asked other Ethiopians, but they aren't sure what he is. That saddens me as his whole identity would have been tied into it. Also his loss of place in a country where they have such pride in who they are, to a country where he will often have to defend who he is (with pride I hope!!)...

We traveled to his village while in Ethiopia, and though unable to locate his bio family, I do deeply hope that word got back to his bio mom that he is OK, and was being adopted. At least so she can know he is well. I know word traveled far and wide through the villages in Senegal, and I imagine it's similar in Ethiopia.

I also though think about how he had pneumonia, and how he was SO ill when we adopted him. How he had inactive TB (which could have turned active at any time), how he had diarrhea (the #1 killer of young children in Africa)....so I think that he may not even have lived had he stayed where he was...and that does offer me some comfort with what he lost. He has the opportunity for education, for a long life, for life full of choices and a long life of love...

He has a family here who loves him so much, and a bio mom who loved him enough to let him go, for whatever reason, in Ethiopia.

I think I will always feel pretty strongly affected by it all, but one thing I don't want to do is put my feelings onto him. We are really open about talking about his adoption, and will add information as he grows, but I want to let HIM decide how it affects him, if that makes sense. I tend to analyze everything, and I'm affected by things....he may be too, or he may be someone who processes things fairly quickly and then just lets them go for the most part. I want him to be able to come to me no matter whether he is intensely affected or not....but I just want to try to be careful that I don't make him see the situation the way I see it--it's up to him to decide how to see it for himself...

Not sure if that's clear...I'm not saying I plan to avoid the topic, or that I think he'll sail through life w/o ever dealing with issues of race and identity, but I want him to determine for himself whether he'll spend as much time thinking about it and grieving it as I do...

Teranga

[cab70]

I have these thoughts everyday. We have two bio girls 6 and 2.75 and when I am putting them to bed or taking them to school, brushing their hair, helping them get dressed, cutting their dinner, giving them hugs and a million other things everyday I just think of all the kids who do not have a parent or close relative to do that for them.

Our ethiopian child(ren) are in my prayers daily. I grieve for the tragedy they will suffer which will bring them to my home. I already love them and wish them nothing but a lifetime of happiness. It is extremely difficult to know that your child will have a tough time for a while...We are parents and that is just hard to take.

I don't know how to incorporate this new found knowledge in a meaningful way to my daily life. I struggle greatly with this...A

carol