[alindy]

I know that this is an issue that has been raised in the past on this board, but I am having trouble finding it and I am interested to know current thoughts and opinions on this topic.

My hubby and I live in AZ, are caucasian and we have two bio children. My hope is to adopt 1 or 2 more kids between the ages of 1-5. The ethnicity or race of the child(ren) doesn't matter for us and we're exploring several options/countries. What I am wondering though is this: even if race doesn't matter to us, will it matter to our adoptive children? We live in a predominantly white community and even if we take care to expose all of our children to many cultures, I can't help but wonder about the future. One piece of advice I have gotten is that if we're going to adopt a child of another race, we should adopt two children of that race so that they are not "alone" within our family. While I'm not convinced that I want 4 children total, it seems like good advice.

Lastly, I am very interested to know the kinds of responses that transracial adoptive familes have gotten from family, friends, strangers, Ethiopians.

Thank you ahead of time for your open, honest feedback. I think that the only way to find solutions for these delicate issues is to communicate openly about them.

[rebeccasusan]

We have one son, african american, adopted domestically, and are now in an ethiopia program for our second adoption. Our community is pretty heavily caucasion as well, but still our child would have other childern of all races in his or her class. OUr son is only 2 and 1/2, so some of the peer issues, etc, that i am sure will eventually come up have not arisen yet. We have only had positive responses from our family, community, etc, and african american people in our neighborhood have been very friendly and welcoming.

I will say, though, it does open your eyes to racism, and makes you see racism on a totally different, more personal level than as a cauacasion, I have had to before. You must be committed to finding resources, such as books, toys, etc,that are a positive reflection of your childs heritage (which is sometimes a challenge, )learning about AA hair and skin care, etc. WE would like to move eventually, and racial make-up will have to be a factor we look at in selecting schools, neighborhood etc., so our son will not feel that he is the only oneof color. For us, I dont see it as really challenging, or as a problem, it is just the makeup of our family, and the way we live. You have to be committed to that. We did know that we wanted to have other children, who would share the same race. I don't know if it is necessary or not, but i have heard that is easier on a child not to be the only adopted child, or child of color.

Good luck in your decision making.

[snvanvl]

My husband and I also had similar questions when we started pursuing Ethiopia for adoption. We struggled between the decision of one or two and we chose two part of the reason being is we wanted them to grow up with someone that looked similar to them. I also truly believe it helped them transition better into our family. Our son was only 17 months when we picked him up but he knew we looked different he would go to anyone with darker skin (even if he did no know them) just to get away from us.

When we first decided on Ethiopia we had mutiple people want to give us advice. Basically we did not have the support of some of our family and friends. We recieved some very rude comments and we decided that if they are not going to accept our family then we would not associate with them. Our family and friends have since come around and have fully accepted our family.

I do have to say when I go out with my children I get alot of stares and comments. Not only because I have 5 children ( in our society today I must be crazy ) but because two of my children have darker skin. Just be ready to answer alot of questions and also to ignore some of the comments that people make as they are sometimes ignorant about what they say.

Also learn as much about their culture as possible and do not let them forget where they came from. Ethiopia is a beautiful country with a wonderful culture. I want my children to be proud to be Ethiopian and to know even though they look different than the rest of the family that God made them beautiful and they should be proud of that.

Christy

[ExcitedMomtoBe]

I agree with Christy - no matter what the culture, everyone who adopts transracially, has to be ready to answer (or disregard, for that matter) ALL KINDS of questions.

Gabriel's Guatamalan and we're both Caucasian and even there, we get quite a few stares. Mostly, we get the stares when we're both with him because if either of us is alone with him, people must just assume that we're married to an Hispanic or someone of Mediterranean descent.

The comments that always shock me the most are the ones in which people are TRYING to compliment him. The most typical comment is, "Oh, wow... he's got beautiful skin. It's very light." The surprised tone combined with the idea that "light" is beautiful ALREADY makes me see racism in a different light than I ever have before.

I've learned to keep a set of responses in my head that I can pull out when people say ridiculous things. But sometimes, there are still times when all I can do is shake my head and feel pleased that my own children will grow up with a much larger world view.

[alindy]

Rebeccasusan- Thanks for your insight. I agree with you and congratulate you on your adoption(s)!

Excitedmomtobe- Thanks for your input. I feel like I am already preparing myself for some of the things that I will hear, even from my own family! Best of luck to you with your little one!

snvanvl- Thanks for your reply- I agree that embracing the culture of the adopted child is SO important, regardless of race. Thank you!!

[teranga]

We live in AZ as well, and also have 2 bio kids, and have an Ethiopian-adopted son. We are not going to adopt again as we really don't want more than 3 kids. The way I ended up looking at the 1 or 2 Ethiopian children issue (which I struggled with too) is like this:

There is no right answer. If it were the "truth" that if you should have 2+ kids of similar racial backgrounds to have them adjust more easily, etc. then it would be an easy decision to make. But nothing works like that. There is no "right" or "wrong", there are no guarantees about how they'll turn out. You might adopt one child, and he's got a personality that is super easy-going and he'll never focus on being the one who looks different. You might adopt a second, afraid taht the first will focus on that, and HE might be the one who focuses on it...you might end up w/issues b/c the one you adopted to make it easier, makes it harder. Or not.

There is no perfect sized family, no perfect racial combination, etc. So many dynamics will come inot play to determine how it all works out that it's impossible to know right now. It would be nice if there were a perfect formula, but there's not.

I am very aware that the only other children of color in my area are children adopted by other white parents. I'd like our son to be in a community where there are children of color whose parents are also of color, but at the very least, it seems he will have classmates who are in somewhat similar situations, so he won't be entirely alone in this should he ever feel like speaking w/others who are going through similar experiences.

I also totally agree w/Christy that it's so important to make sure they grow up proud of their Ethiopian heritage. I hear people focus on the poverty and AIDS there, and it really saddens me. There are SO many wonderful things about life in Ethiopia, and I feel stressing those things, and Ethiopia's rich history, is much more important that stressing the negative. If a German adopted an American baby would we want her constantly talking about the high crime and gunshot rates in the U.S., or the good things about life here...

Don't know that I helped much, but feel free to PM me. And if you're in the Tucson area, there are a few of us who have adopted Ethiopian children!

Teranga.

[teranga]

As for responses from others, I would say mixed. Adults do sometimes look disapprovingly at us, especially African Americans. But those who look disapprovingly don't say anything.

Our family was totally supportive, once they realized we were really doing this. So were friends though I do think some people still don't totally understand why we'd adopt when we can have children biologically.

Generally people are very friendly and positive, and also very curious. For sure we do not blend inot the background anymore. Everyone seems to know me--even people I don't ever think I've met in my life.

There are a lot of questions. Sometiems I'm in the mood to answer them all, and sometimes I'm not---I'm just trying to buy a pizza or something, and really don't want to go into it all...

But overall, people say what a great thing we've done for a child. And I have to explain no--HE'S the one who has done a great thing for us...

Teranga

[alindy]

I appreciate hearing about your experience. We live in Phoenix. If we decide to go through with this, I think it would be a good idea to figure out a way to meet other families with kids from Ethiopia. Did you meet the other Tucson families from your agency? It would be nice to have a kind of support system for the parents, Ethiopian adoptees, and bio kids- and extended family of sorts. Do you know of anything?

[teranga]

I don't know of anything formal, but I do know who has adopted through our agency in the area. There are others in Phoenix as well, though I haven't kept their contact info. The agencies would be able to help you connect if you'd like to.

Also w/the agency we used there is a really active listserv only for those who have used/who are using them. Anything and everything you can imagine gets discussed very openly and honestly on there and it has been a tremendous resource as we've gone through the process and even now that we're back. People meet up all the time from the listserv through both formal and informal events. (though not as much in AZ--you'd have to travel.... )

If you have any questions about any of it, feel free to ask. I know it is a big decision.

Teranga

[ExcitedMomtoBe]

Teranga is so right with her reply to people who say how lucky her baby is... I must give that same answer 100 times per week. People always say how lucky Gabriel is to have been "saved."

When I'm joking around, I'll usually spit back something silly like, "Saved? From living a perfectly nice life with a family from San Francisco or Boston?" (ie. adoption isn't so simple as its being a question of your baby being adopted by you or living in poverty somewhere in their native country... people all over the world WANT these children and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to bring them "home"... our baby and all others are wanted by hundreds of people - we just got lucky and as a result, he now lives in South Carolina!)

Usually, I just say, "We didn't save him. He saved us." Or, "It's not Gabriel who's lucky - it's us." We feel privileged to get to have him in OUR lives. People need to understand that adoption isn't some kind of mission to save the world's children... we're all just trying to create a family, just like anyone else.

[diamondj]

In terms of reactions from the local Ethiopian community (we live in Los Angeles, where it is not large but concentrated), the reactions have been great. We make an effort to go to cultural events and eat at Ethiopian restaurants with some regularity, and no matter the venue the expat Ethiopians have been very warm and welcoming - they understand the difficulties at home and many have expressed appreciation to us for helping in some way what is a terrible situation in the country.

[bluedaisy]

One of the reasons I'm drawn to adopt is because I hope to provide a better life for a child then what they'd have otherwise. If not us, then yes, perhaps someone in San Francisco or Boston... but maybe no one. I don't know that I want to hear folks say our kid has been "saved," but the whole reason international adoption is an option is because we live in a really wealthy country, and those countries are often poor or don't have enough adoptive parents. Even if we don't feel wealthy, we are still much better off than so many people in the world. I think we can't ignore the real differences in our lives.