[gkest]

I need to vent my horrible feelings of guilt. My husband and I have two wonderful sons and we always talked about adopting our third. Our motivation was at first humanitarian and to give a child a home, but I do not want this child to feel that she owes us or to have people view us as heroes. The truth is I want a big family, but I do not want to add to the population explosionWe have found an agency. We have found a country--Armenia because I am half Armenian and we can show pride and knowledge of this culture. Now I feel guilty. I searched the internet for articles on adoption and found an enormous amount of horrible postings from people saying international adoption of a healthy baby is selfish. We also would like to specify the gender and there are many who say this is selfish given that we did not get to do this with our birth children. Then we also want a healthy child and the unhealthy children stay unadopted.

I have two sons and would like to adopt a girl, but this is so NOT my only reason for adopting. Why would I pay all this money and put myself through this process just to be able to raise a girl? I want a girl because I feel that an adopted girl who will most likely not look a thing like us would be less likely to compare herself to her brothers who look exactly alike and are less than 2 years apart. Yes, a secondary benefit would be to get to raise a girl, but that is not my reason for doing this.

I know there are countries where the need is greater and I should for humanitarian reasons adopt from perhaps an African or Asian country. But I am Armenian and I have a connection to this country.

We also want a healthy child. I feel guilty checking that off, but I wanted healthy biological children as well.

So...I ask....is it wrong to adopt to add to a family? Is it wrong to want a specific gender? Is it wrong to want a healthy child?

I never questioned my selfishness when I had biological children. No one ever says that is selfish.

[sak9645]

What you call a selfish reason is actually the BEST reason for adopting, and most homestudy social workers will tell you so.

The desire to have a child, combined with the realistic awareness that you have the ability to provide the love, structure, permanence, and resources that a child needs, is exactly what a prospective parent should have.

The feeling that you "ought" to adopt, in order to "save" a child, is NOT a legitimate reason to proceed. Certainly, if you want a child, and have a realistic belief that you can provide what a child needs, it is OK to decide that you'd rather adopt a child who is at risk because he/she does not have a family, than to have one biologically.

Still, that burning desire to parent must be there. Only with such a desire will you be able to weather the challenges that come when you parent, and especially when you parent a child who has experienced the loss of his/her biological family and other misfortunes.

As to wanting a healthy child, a child of a specific gender or age, or a child of a particular race or ethnicity, no one except you and your spouse should decide how to form your family.

There are a lot of people out there who simply wouldn't be well-equipped to deal with a child who has special needs. Now, if they happened to have one by the accident of birth, they wouldn't relinquish that child. But that doesn't mean that they should go out and choose, consciously, to adopt a child with known special needs.

It is normal and human to want the experience of parenting children of both genders, as you do. But it is also normal and human for, say, a single woman to say, "I'm not sure I would know how to deal with a boy, since I have not had brothers and am not married." Again, this is something that is a very personal decision. If you are permitted to choose, choose what works best for you; you'll be a better parent for making the choice.

Likewise, choosing to adopt a baby, or choosing to adopt an older child, is a matter of personal choice. Certainly, there is more demand for families willing to adopt older children, but that doesn't mean that every family should have to be open to older child adoption. Older children come with a history that often makes it difficult for them to adjust to family life, and not all prospective parents can deal with the challenges that the history can bring.

As to race and ethnicity, those are huge issues in our society, and there's no use hiding them under the bed and pretending that they don't exist. Some people simply can't handle the "conspicuousness" of having a child of another race. Some people simply can't handle the complexities of teaching a child to develop the self-esteem to deal with the bigotry entrenched in our society. And some people feel most comfortable with familiar customs and mores, rather than with taking on a bit of another culture, which a family must do to parent transracially.

In short, adoption isn't the same as having a bio child. You can make choices, and it's OK to make choices.

You SHOULD challenge your choices in your mind, simply to be sure that you consider all the possibilities. Maybe, for example, you'll come to realize that you CAN parent a child whose skin is dark brown, or a child who comes to you at age five, or a child whose left arm ends at the elbow. And that would be great, since those children may have more difficulty finding a home. But to call you selfish because you conclude that you can't do an adequate job of parenting those children makes no sense at all.

I wish you good luck with your adoption.


Sharon

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

(((HUGS)))

You will read SO MUCH crap out on the internet! You need to ignore the crazy people and do what your heart tells you. Why is a child in Armenia less worthy of a home than one in Africa? Why is a girl less worthy than a boy? Why is a healthy child less worthy than one with needs? You have a child waiting for you, and God is leading you to her. Go for it.

Sharon did an excellent job explaining why your reasoning is sound. Bringing a child in that shares your culture is a wonderful thing, and you will provide this child with a connection to her birthland that few others will be able to do.

Please do not let the people you do not even know, that you do not know their "agenda", their motivations, their opinions on anything else in life, shape your future. I am excited for you and you should be too! Adoption is a wonderful, exciting, sometimes scary adventure! Love it! Do it! Follow your heart, and only your heart! Do not let others ruin your excitement or your joy. If you give other people control over your life decisions, you will be miserable forever.



ETA: I adopted 2 pretty healthy girls from Eastern Europe. I do not feel guilty at all. I feel blessed, I feel joy, I feel love, but I do not feel guilt!

[linda512]

Lose the guilt! The most selfish thing, if you want to look at it that way, is to have biological children when there are homeless children everywhere. But, you are right, no one ever says that to people who have bio kids (with the possible exception of the octuplet's mother). And adopting is not like giving birth, so choosing gender is your decision. And wanting a healthy child is fine- you have to think about your current children and what you can handle.
Really, it's no one's business! Try and forget what people say. Good luck!

[Mil]

How many hundreds of times have you heard someone ask a expectant couple if they'd like a boy or a girl and they say 'doesn't matter so long as it's healthy'? I've heard it over and over and everyone nods their heads and says that's all that matters. So why should you feel guilty
for wanting the same thing that other parents want??? Some people can handle special needs, but no one wishes for a special needs baby when they're expecting. No reason for you to feel guilty for wanting a healthy baby. I wish you luck in adding to your family.

[journeytolily]

Please don't let others, especially strangers on the internet, influence such an importand decision in your life!

What you are hoping for and planning for, sounds totally reasonable to me! I wish you luck in your journey to find your baby girl in Armenia!