[Dhewco]

Hello,


I was wondering if any EE country is open to single men. Right this second, I couldn't afford it...but a well-off relative is seriously ill and might pass within this year. She told me I am in the will. While I, of course, wish her the best of health, I am trying to gather as much info as I can. Right now, I am financially unable (fee wise, not 'normal' child-rearing wise) to do much beyond foster to adopt. If that changes, I'd like as much information as I can get to make an informed choice.

Thanks in advance,

David

PS. in 05 (when I thought I had a much better job) I talked with an agency that seemed willing to work with me . . . but claimed my best option was Kazakhistan (sp?), Guatemala, or Vietnam...if it opened. What do ya'll think?

[Mykidsmom]

Are you looking for a boy or girl, and what age?

What it your age?

[devildogwife]

Just an FYI, Vietnam has been open for about a year. That would be worth checking into.

[Dhewco]

I am 33 yo...looking for a boy...4 to 10 through the foster system but for international I'd prefer 3-8 (although I wouldn't mind a boy-girl group...but I don't think any country allows single men to adopt girls. Especially if they're not already parents)

[Mykidsmom]

Ukraine will accept singles. The process has just started up again after some in country re-organization.
I read on another board that 2 singles currently have received appointments.

On this adoption.com website under International - Country Information it indicates that
Moldova, Latvia and Poland will except singles. I do not know if the info is up to date.

[Dhewco]

Thanks for the replies, if I decide to go international, I can only hope they mean single fathers. I've never been to Kiev, although Russian history has always been a passion of mine.

The prejudice against single fathers is so pervasive and annoying. Men do get the urge to parent, don't they know that? Some of us just aren't that into the party bachelor lifestyle...we weren't brought up that way.

David

[Jasiu]

Poland will not accept single men, even for single women the wait is much longer and obstacles many more than for married couples.

Originally Posted by Mykidsmom

On this adoption.com website under International - Country Information it indicates that
Moldova, Latvia and Poland will except singles. I do not know if the info is up to date.

[Kama]

Not to sound discouraging, but the general preference in the adoption world (in any country) is for a stable two-parent family, a married couple consisting of a man and a woman. This is considered to be the optimal situation for children. And, from my own experience, it is the best situation for a parent as well. My husband and I just adopted two siblings from Poland, and honestly, it is not a one-person job. Unless you have a lot of family support around you, it is much more difficult to parent. Of course, in many cases, challenges are much greater with adopted children than with biological children. Of course, it is not impossible, but these are worth thinking about.

BTW, Kiev is in Ukraine not Russia :-)

Originally Posted by Dhewco

Thanks for the replies, if I decide to go international, I can only hope they mean single fathers. I've never been to Kiev, although Russian history has always been a passion of mine.

The prejudice against single fathers is so pervasive and annoying. Men do get the urge to parent, don't they know that? Some of us just aren't that into the party bachelor lifestyle...we weren't brought up that way.

David

[Dhewco]

Yeah, I knew that..but the Russians started out as the Kievan Rus for a reason. I know my history, young lady Kiev was the center of the RUSsians before Moscow came along. They might not be one now, but Ukranians used to be Russians, and no, I don't mean Soviets either.

And oh, single adoption is becoming more accepted in the US, and I keep hoping that would be the case for the other nations as well. The local DFCS worker told me that some of the best parents he knew were single. (of course, I think he was buttering me up as I'm told there is a shortage of foster to adopt parents in my county.)


David

[Kama]

Dhewco,

OK, did not mean this as an insult, glad you know your history :-). I posted it mostly for others who may read not to confuse things and I am sure there are some out there :-). And I am not really that young, I am almost 42 :-), but I feel great.

It may be that single adoptions are more accepted in the U.S., and I definitely agree that being brought up by a single parent is much better than being brought up by caretakers in an orphanage. In fact, I was raised by a single mother, with almost no involvement from my father (who himself was an adopted child brought up by a single adoptive mother, interestingly). I think that the prevalent societal norm though even in the U.S. is still that it is more desirable for child(ren) to have both parents provided it is a stable family situation. I think you are very perceptive in understanding that the DFCS worker was likely trying to sound encouraging to you. I am sure that some single parents are superior, but of course it is ridiculous to generalize that more or most are better than two-parent situations. Personally, I believe it is important for children to have a mother and a father. In my case, growing up without a father (and I remember being sad about not having one), I was lucky to at least have uncles who in some ways had the function of a father or a male influence in my life. In a situation where (as is the case with foreign adoptions), there is enough two-parent families interested in adopting the child, a preference is often and perhaps should be given to a two-parent family over a single woman or man. Of course, I know it feels unfair to those singles who feel the need to parent and think they would make great ones. I know in Poland the interest of the child is understood in this way and it is put above the interest and desire of the single person to have a child. However, other countries are more flexible on this issue and you may be successful there. In any case, I think this is an interesting thread!

Originally Posted by Dhewco

Yeah, I knew that..but the Russians started out as the Kievan Rus for a reason. I know my history, young lady Kiev was the center of the RUSsians before Moscow came along. They might not be one now, but Ukranians used to be Russians, and no, I don't mean Soviets either.

And oh, single adoption is becoming more accepted in the US, and I keep hoping that would be the case for the other nations as well. The local DFCS worker told me that some of the best parents he knew were single. (of course, I think he was buttering me up as I'm told there is a shortage of foster to adopt parents in my county.)


David

[Max'smom]

Every person is entitled to their opinion. Please consider the opinion of Ukrainians. As the child of a Ukrainian historian and the grandchild of a professor of Kiev University, I would like to suggest the notion that is widespread among Ukrainians: Ukrainians were never Russians. The notion that Ukrainians were once Russians is a myth spread by Russian imperialists. If you are referring to the past, before the Soviet era, Ukrainians did not consider themselves Russians in that time period. The Russian empire and the Soviet state would not have gone to great trouble to suppress the Ukrainian language and culture if there was really a firm belief in Ukraine among Ukrainians that they were all Russians. Kyivan Rus' existed centuries before the modern day concept of nationality (Russians versus Ukrainains). Modern notions of nationality emerged in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. Only since Ukraine finally became independent have Ukrainians been allowed to say such things without risking arrest and exile to Siberia. That is probably why you haven't heard such thoughts before!

[sak9645]

As an old single Mom, I feel that singles, including single men, make perfectly fine parents. Yes, in the ideal world, a loving, two-parent family would be great. But the fact is that many two-parent families fall apart -- while some singles eventually marry and establish two-parent families, or simply throw all their efforts into being good parents. And there simply aren't enough two-parent families willing to adopt, to create loving, permanent homes for all the orphaned children in the world.

While the U.S. situation for single men isn't ideal, you should understand that there is greater acceptance of non-traditional families in this country than abroad, especially for children who are of school age. Unless you encounter a dinosaur of a caseworker, you should be able to adopt from the foster care system.

The problem is that most of the available school aged children in this country do not come directly from loving homes where parents have passed away. They may have been bounced around in the foster care system, from placement to placement, and may have attachment issues. They may also have various other physical, mental, or emotional special needs, ranging from fetal alcohol syndrome to post-traumatic stress disorder related to abuse. It takes a very special person to meet the needs of such children.

In terms of international adoption, Guatemala and Vietnam have, traditionally, been the most open on issues like age, marital status, etc., and adoption by single men may very well be possible. Currently, Vietnam still seems to be pretty liberal, and I think it is worth pursuing, especially since it has a lot of older children in need of homes. Guatemala is currently facing the possibility of a shutdown until Hague issues are resolved and, in general, has been less friendly to single men.

As to Kazakhstan, I don't see it as being all that single-friendly. Some single women have been approved, but on a case by case basis, and I don't see single men getting permission there.

While Ethiopia normally allows only married couples and single women, it is pretty liberal in granting exceptions, and some single men have adopted school aged children. Talk with the agencies accredited by Ethiopia; there are only a handful.

While some single men have adopted from Russia, and you should probably talk to some of the larger, most experienced accredited agencies, Russia may not be an ideal option at this time. The program also tends to change frequently, and must be viewed as a little risky.

It is highly unlikely that you will be able to adopt from any of the other countries of the former Soviet Union, or any other Eastern European countries.

While some foreign children come into care as older children, following the death of a loving parent, many have either been removed from an abusive or neglectful family, lived "on the street", or languished in an orphanage for a long time. You should do considerable research on older child adoption before committing to it, as it is not uncommon for older children to have significant emotional baggage. Unfortunately, some families who were not prepared for older child adoption have disrupted placements because of the difficulties they faced in parenting.

Sharon

[Dhewco]

Thanks Sharon, for that informative post.

As to older child adoption, I've read years of posts on this forum...websites detail Attachment Disorders and ODD and I'll probably buy some books later on.

I've experience with an ODD child. I helped his mother (whom I rented a room from) work with the boy for over two years. I've also some experience dealing with sexually abused kids.

So, I simply wish you to know that I'm not going into this with blinders on. I'll continue doing research as I narrow my options. I'll probably go with adopting from the foster system, as the language thing won't be a barrier (unless there's developmental problems, of course).

I simply put my query here to have options.


David

[sak9645]

Interesting, kids are amazingly resilient about language differences. They will pick up English -- and, alas, forget their first language -- very, very rapidly.

Sharon

[pnewcombe]

I have adopted as a Single Dad, Over 55 and multiple children from Estonia. My sons are ethnic Russian boys from an orphanage on the border with Russia. In my case, I was looking for older children and my sons ranged from 13-17 when I adopted them. I don't know if I have been especially lucky, but I have some great kids. Estonia does not do a lot of international adoptions so my 4 at once was quite an event. Absolutely, the best thing I have done in my life. The adoption process in Estonia is very straight forward and not extremely expensive other than the fact that the dollar is down against European currencies. PM me if you would like more details. My agency told me that they knew these kids and recommended them before I accepted the placement and they were right on. The boys are still teenagers but they are bright, appreciative and have brought me much joy so far.