[spideygirl]

Hello all! We have had our adopted son since he was six weeks old. He is now 4. He was exposed to drugs while his bio. mom was pregnant. Not sure what kind, most likely cocaine.

He has been a huge blessing to our family, but he has been so difficult. He just started attending Pre-K two days a week. His teacher told me today that she will give him until December to see if he can stay. He is just too disruptive to the class.

I have known that his behavior is not normal, but everyone else (other than my husband) thinks he's normal. He just needs to "run outside for hours and hours, be stimulated all day, be disciplined MORE/differently." It seems like no one understands!!

Anyway, it's good to finally have someone else "discover" that his behavior is not normal for a 4 year old. FINALLY, our pediatrican recommended that he should be evaluated through Early Intervention.

I guess I'm just feeling discouraged this week. My son and I have both been sick, and I put my back out a few days ago, which just makes it harder to deal with a very aggressive/defiant boy!

I have been praying all day that the Lord would give me strength. I know he has. But I keep wanting to "give up." My giving up is -- this is going to sound crazy -- going to work full-time. I work part-time, but I've been slow lately and at home with J 12 hours a day. I KNOW in my heart that it's better that I'm here for him as much as I can be, but it's just so HARD! And I know I'd regret the time I'd miss with him. Anyway, my husband has a 5-hour daily commute, which is THANKFULLY ending tomorrow. So I am giving full-time care, and he's just wearing me down!!!

Sorry for venting, everyone. I just hope getting him evaluated helps!!

"And we know in all things, God works together for the good of those who love Him."

[Linny]

You didn't have him evaluated when you first brought him home?
At any rate, the EI people will be able to help you with a LOT of resources and helps. I agree that you staying home is the best thing for him; but I also know there are a lot of kids who can't 'sit still' for Pre-K...not to mention kids that can't sit still and deal with fourth grade and on.....
When EI evaluates him, ask them if they can recommend any support groups in the area. Additionally, is there some program (gymnastics, dance, etc) you could enroll him into that might help re-direct his mind and hyperactivity?

Good luck. Just realize too, even if he has drug-exposed issues, he may just grow out of some of this....all of them might not be 'forever'.

Sincerely,

Linny

[spideygirl]

Hi, Linny. Thank you so much for your input. I will definitely ask them for support groups in the area, etc.
No, we didn't have him evaluated when we brought him home. He was about six weeks old. When he was about 2 years old, he was evaluated, but they determined that his behavior was not affecting his "learning skills." They weren't able to see the severe temper tantrums he had been having...

[Barksum]

It's all water under the bridge now, but having a child with known prenatal exposure gives you an automatic reason to have them evaluated, even as a young infant. Believe it or not when one of my kiddos was 4 months old he was evaluated and found to have some significant delays. (Functioning at about a 1 month old level.) I'm sad your pediatrician didn't share that info with you -- but I've found that MANY pediatricians don't recognize the significance of prenatal exposure to drugs and how important it is for the parents to have more tools in their parenting toolbox. EI should give you some of these.

EI is a great place to start. If they don't believe he qualifies for services, though, that doesn't mean that what you are dealing with is "normal", so keep going until you get some peace about what you are dealing with. We also encountered many people who believed that we just didn't know what a normal 4 year old was like (direct quote) and that all was fine with our Ds. Yep, so fine that I was going insane. Which then led to those people who believe that I as the mother am the problem, not that there are actual physical issues with our Ds that cause his behaviors.

Brain damage is an invisible physically handicapping condition. Just because you can't see the brain damage doesn't mean it isn't there. Brain scans are now proving this to be true! LOL Also, brain damage doesn't mean that there aren't ways to treat the person with the problem. The brain can grow and change and specific things can be done to help. There IS HOPE and you can get some great help. Sometimes it just takes a bit to find it.

My kids were all drug exposed to varying degrees. Most of them likely have fetal alcohol to some extent. Trying to give consequences is almost a lost cause. They don't learn quickly, but they do need TONS of consistency and stable, predictable routines. I've heard that the book "The Explosive Child" is a good resource, but I've not read that book. I'm currently reading "You Can't Make Me [but I can be Persuaded]" by Cynthia Tobias.

Additionally I have a book that we found to be helpful called "Trying Differently Rather Than Harder" by Diane Malbin, available from FASCETS It is written specifically about fetal alcohol, but I think it's a great book because whether or not a brain difference is due to fetal alcohol or something else it's a brain processing difference. Understanding that a different approach in how we present information to the child is the key.

Came back to add this chart that may/may not be helpful. If it isn't, don't feel upset that it isn't helpful. http://www.nofas.org/_images/coh/COH...appingChar.pdf I just found it interesting how many of the FASD things I can check off as applicable for my little guys.

[Linny]

Barksum,
That's great info and support!

Spidey,
I"m sorry that my response may have been harsh, I didn't mean for it to be; but like Bark, I"m sorry your pediatrician didn't recommend Birth-Three or any Early Intervention services the moment you came back home.

Just like Barksum has stated, even if you can't *see* the brain damage, this doesn't mean the baby doesn't have it. We have a child right now that has significant delays.....brain MRI is fine and many, many more tests have been done to try to find out WHY this baby has hypotonia and other issues. Nothing shows on any testing for anything---but it's known some alcohol and drug use was done while the baby was inutero. That's key. With the help of EI, she's making very good progress.
I'm hopeful for you too, Spidey. Like Barksum says, just keep trying to find the testing and resources for your little boy. They're out there---though it may take some searching....they're out there.

Sincerely,

Linny

[joskimo]

hey there,

Not sure aobut your community, but we can only do early interventin up to age 3. My daughter was adopted at birth, she was prenatally exposed to crack. She seemed like the perfect baby with one little thing, we had to hold her all the time. By a year we noticed cute agressive behaviors, by a year and a half we realized those aggressive tendancies were significant and no longer cute. Because we knew of dd's exposure, our pediatrician knew and we'd discuss things at H's appointments. So at 18 mo. we referred to EI. She's ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder - a sensory seeker.

She aged out of EI at 3 and we had to be evaluted by the school district. She's now served byt he school district pre-K program which is 1/2 spec needs kids and 1/2 "peer model".

I will be honest, when we got H's dx, I was sad - it's okay to mourn a little, this is your baby. But dust yourself off, read everythign you can, find support, build your team.

My daughter's progress is so remarkable. Thursday we had the first holiday meal ever where she sat in her chair the whole time, didn't yell, didn't throw anything. Okay, she didn't eat much, but she did so good. I'm so proud of the progress she's made and she's so young that I feel so optimistic that we're conquering some of these issues early so she can just blossom.

Good luck --

[DannieAS]

I think people use the term Early Intervention to describe everything that is available before Kindergarten...

but like Joskimo said....EI is usually birth-3 services, then transition to the school district which can give services from ages 3-22 depending on what is needed. At least in our state there are only a handful of diagnosis' that can still qualify you for outside services such as what one goes through for birth-3.

Grieve, then go full force to get your little guy the best services that he deserves. Obviously now you have "proof" that his behavior is impacting his learning if he is having trouble in his pre-k class. I'm sorry you are dealing with this right now, but I'm glad that you are venting, grieving, because through that, I know you will be a mighty advocate for your little guy.

[spideygirl]

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement -- and all the information! It's good to know that we're not the only ones going through this...

[spideygirl]

Or I should say it helps to know that we're not the only ones going through this...