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Nice surprise from birthmother
We adopted our daughter at birth over four years ago. The placement was very sudden, after 5+ years of failed matches and financial losses. We had not considered adopting a drug exposed infant, our 5 yr son is special needs and our plate was pretty full. Still, this baby girl came into our life for a reason, and we brought her home with no regrets. Her birthmother was already parenting a 5 and 2 yr old on her own, lived in a studio apartment, and simply could not provide for another child. The adoption was off and on three times while the baby did her time in NICU at a CA hospital. The birthmother agreed to meet me and my husband before being released from the hospital. I never thought I would be sharing a smoke with my kid's birthmother outside a Los Angleles hospital, but it was a true bonding moment and one of the few times I was glad I was a smoker. She made it clear that she did not want a relationship with our family, but her daughter was free to contact her once the baby was older. The birthmother did not have an easy life when we met. She had led an idyllic life until her parents divorced. An olympic bound figure skater, her life fell apart when her parents split. The birthmother gave the agency several photos, which I cherished. She did not identify the birthfather, even though it was her longterm boyfriend and father to her two year old son. We were able to leave the state with the baby, and focused on setting this baby girl on the path to good health and development. I was shocked to hear from our agency a year later that the birthmother requested an update. I quickly responded with a long letter, photos, and also a plea for additional photos. All of her original photos had been destroyed in a devastating flood, and we were crushed at this irreplaceable loss for our daughter. The anguish I felt after being so careless about such vital artifacts was a heavy pain in my heart almost every day. There was no further contact from the birthmother, and life went on. This week I rec'd a package from the agency, sent to our old address. Our caseworker was leaving the agency, found this packet in her drawer, didn't know what to do with them, so she sent them on to us. I wept when I opened the envelope. Dozens of photos, with handwritten notes about who was who, this is a photo from a skating competition where she won the silver, this is my mother, this is the Birthfather (!), this is a cousin. All original photos, clearly torn out of a scrapbook. I have worked very hard to process my feelings of anger about my daughter's inutero experience. The hours of therapy, battles with EI and insurance companies, stares from other parents, and I'm not even talking about the angst coming when long term division and successful interpersonal relationships and missed social cues become a concern. I have private dialogues with myself when others do not understand why my kid behaves the way she does: "Give her a break! She had a virtual cocktail of drugs while she was developing!" But I digress. The point of this post is the fact that her birthmother cared enough to assemble and send off over 50 photos for her daughter. She did not deliver this kid and promptly forget about her. My son has a loving and very interested birthmother, this adoption is open and we look forward to the day when he meets his birthsibs. For the first time ever, I have a glimmer of hope that my daughter will have the same option. So even if my daughter's birthmother sent these photos off to the agency and told them to 'hold on to them, I don't want to send them to the adoptive parents at this time', fate intervened. And for that, my family is grateful. Beyond words.
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06-28-2009, 07:56 PM
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