[alex_1515]

Hi - This forum has been great for me and eveyone's stories are so inspiring. I really feel bad asking this question because i feel so blessed and naive but here is my story.

I am the proud mom of a 2 1/2 year old little girl. Her adoption was a picture perfect story with no drug exposure and excellent prenatal care. We are now in the process of adoption our second child and we have been confronted with many birthmom that have used drugs at various levels. We have actually turned down two situations because we didn't feel comfortable with the whole situation and the drug exposure didn't help.

Now we have a great situation. We have built a relationship with a birthmom and she has choosen us to parent her son. He is due mid-September. She didn't tell us about her cocaine use but we did know she had a son at 17 that her mother has legal custody of and a second son that was born premature and died of SIDS at 3 months so we were not totally surprised when we read her med's and saw that she has tested posted for cociane at least 3 times during her very limited pre-natal care for this pregancy. I have not confronted her yet, i do plan on disucssing this with her in an attempt to get more details about her use.

My real question and problem is....how do i know if my family can handle drug exposed child? I have been searching my heart and I want to parent this child but I'm so scared, i just don't know how to come to the right answer. Can anyone offer advice for us.

I know so many of you have adopted children exposed to drugs and i appreciate your opionions and any books/articles or support groups you can suggest.

Thank you,
Alex

[musemoon]

My kiddo was severely drug exposed and she is perfect. I am adopting another drug exposed baby next year.

However, it can be scary. My daughter had seizures, hypertonia and was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy (turned out to be false). Today she is healthy, smart and beautiful, you would never know....but there were a few rocky months.

Make sure that you contact your local Regional Center (they usually evaluate children at 6-9 months) and get a good pediatrician, who can watch for signs of delay and physical problems associated with exposure. Usually with early intervention programs a child can succeed.

My kiddo was delayed until this month when she has been labeled "advanced" we still may need speech therapy though....but not for long....she wants to talk, just is having a tough time making the words.

I also believe in "baby wearing" I wore my kiddo for the first six months, all around the house, also used low lighting and soft music. Little ones heal really well if you help them let their brains relax enough to start healing.

All the drug exposed kids that I know (and I know a lot) are all doing great today!

[Casey677]

All I can say is trust your gut. Both of my girls were exposed (one more so than the other) but they both tested negative at birth. My first dd was born a bit early, had pretty severe reflux, and when she was three months old, she was diagnosed with Benign Extra Axial Fluid of Infancy (extra fluid around her brain). It went away all on its own. Both girls are amazingly healthy & meeting or exceeding all milestones. They are both an absolute joy & I can't imagine life without them!

[calexopo]

to cause problems discusse on this forum? I know no one REALLY has the answer but what do you think. Our birthmom used cocaine and tobaco, nothing else, for the first 6months of her pregnancy. I'm not sure how much she used during that time but I now she was trying to quit so my guess would be not that much but probably more than 20 times. Would you consider that high use?

[BethanyB]

My son was exposed to cocain several times during pregnancy. He was not born drug exposed. He developed slightly slow and now needs speech services but so do many of my friends bio children. I would go for another drug exposed baby any day of the week.

[Boulderbabe]

FWIW, there have been some great studies by MaryLou Behnke, a professor of psychology in Florida. Her work shows that children who are born exposed to cocaine but who are removed from their substance-abusing families have some initial difficulties, but by age 3 are indistinguishable from kids who have not been exposed. She found no difference at all in preschool development between exposed/adopted kids and those in the control group.

Here's the link: Outcome from a Prospective, Longitudinal Study of Prenatal Cocaine Use: Preschool Development at 3 Years of Age -- Behnke et al., 10.1093/jpepsy/jsj027 -- Journal of Pediatric Psychology

[Barksum]

If the child doesn't have physical disabilities relating to prenatal drug exposure (like CP caused by a brain bleed in utero, or complications at birth, or other physical problems stemming from the drug exposure/addiction) I'd be pretty calm about the cocaine exposure part.

The one drug that 'worries' me is alcohol. There has not been any safe level of maternal alcohol consumption determined because every woman metabolizes alcohol differently, and every developing baby responds differently to alcohol exposure. Additionally, especially with alcohol, the mom's aren't often willing to tell the truth about consumption during pregnancy for a variety of reasons, so you just really don't know.

Not to rain on your parade, but that is a variable that would concern me.

Having said that, though, I have 4 kids with varying levels of exposure to multi-substance abuse and they are all doing well. I can't say that they are all caught up (developmentally and cognitively), or that they will ever be 'all caught up', but they are great kids and they are making steady gains.

Maybe I'm old, worn out and cynical, but of all the drugs, even including methamphetamine, alcohol would be the one biggie that I'd watch for. All of our adopted kids were multi-drug exposed. I don't think there was one bio mom who just used ONE drug. All of our kids were exposed to at least 2, usually 3, and as many as 6 of the following drugs: alcohol, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, methadone, methamphetamine, and tobacco. One son's mom listed that she used six different drugs during her pregnancy with him. One child we believe was exposed to tobacco, marijuana, and alcohol, but we don't have documentation in that child's records for ANY exposure to anything except tobacco. All the moms had one drug that they used the most, but they all used more than one. These are only 4 cases out of millions, but that has been MY experience.

As to how to know, for certain sure, that you are doing 'the right thing' and that you can 'handle' a particular child...I don't know. You have to go with your gut, and you have to recognize that there are no guarantees in life. A child born to a non-drug using mother can have issues, too. You just don't KNOW for certain. With a child exposed to drugs you do know that there are statistical probabilities that this child may develop more slowly than 'average', that they may have learning disabilities, or other issues ... but again, you don't know any of that for sure. There are many kids who are different learners, slow to develop, etc., and their moms never touched drugs of ANY kind during their pregnancy, just as there are drug exposed kids who sail through childhood with little or no issues. I don't believe there is a way to predict that. Know that something has a likelihood of happening gives you time to prepare for it; knowing for certain if you can handle any of what may come about is another thing altogether, since you don't know what you may be called upon to handle. We've kind of taken the Boy Scout approach (Be prepared) and also repeat the "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" mantra, too.

The things that we've had to deal with weren't what I thought I was prepared for. The things that I had prepared for, weren't really what we ended up dealing with on a daily basis. I guess having a flexibility in my mind that I MAY need to use this tool or that resource made it more doable in daily life. Knowing that I might need outside help, having a plan of action ready should I need it, etc. all made working through the issues we have encountered that much easier.

Additionally, the things that are so bothersome, annoying, and aggravating we suddenly kind of noticed are Universal Kidisms. That is, ALL kids do these things in varying degrees, and even our 'most' exposed kids fall within the normal parameters for the universal kidisms of poking their siblings, whining, being active when we want them to be calm, not using the manners they should when in public, stalling and not getting chores done, etc. etc. Ok, we do have one who is in the very HIGH end of normal for doing all these things, but he's not freakishly abnormal. (And the areas where he really lags, people in general just don't notice.)

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Barksum

If the child doesn't have physical disabilities relating to prenatal drug exposure (like CP caused by a brain bleed in utero, or complications at birth, or other physical problems stemming from the drug exposure/addiction) I'd be pretty calm about the cocaine exposure part.

The one drug that 'worries' me is alcohol. There has not been any safe level of maternal alcohol consumption determined because every woman metabolizes alcohol differently, and every developing baby responds differently to alcohol exposure. Additionally, especially with alcohol, the mom's aren't often willing to tell the truth about consumption during pregnancy for a variety of reasons, so you just really don't know.

Not to rain on your parade, but that is a variable that would concern me.

Having said that, though, I have 4 kids with varying levels of exposure to multi-substance abuse and they are all doing well. I can't say that they are all caught up (developmentally and cognitively), or that they will ever be 'all caught up', but they are great kids and they are making steady gains.

Maybe I'm old, worn out and cynical, but of all the drugs, even including methamphetamine, alcohol would be the one biggie that I'd watch for. All of our adopted kids were multi-drug exposed. I don't think there was one bio mom who just used ONE drug. All of our kids were exposed to at least 2, usually 3, and as many as 6 of the following drugs: alcohol, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, methadone, methamphetamine, and tobacco. One son's mom listed that she used six different drugs during her pregnancy with him. One child we believe was exposed to tobacco, marijuana, and alcohol, but we don't have documentation in that child's records for ANY exposure to anything except tobacco. All the moms had one drug that they used the most, but they all used more than one. These are only 4 cases out of millions, but that has been MY experience.

As to how to know, for certain sure, that you are doing 'the right thing' and that you can 'handle' a particular child...I don't know. You have to go with your gut, and you have to recognize that there are no guarantees in life. A child born to a non-drug using mother can have issues, too. You just don't KNOW for certain. With a child exposed to drugs you do know that there are statistical probabilities that this child may develop more slowly than 'average', that they may have learning disabilities, or other issues ... but again, you don't know any of that for sure. There are many kids who are different learners, slow to develop, etc., and their moms never touched drugs of ANY kind during their pregnancy, just as there are drug exposed kids who sail through childhood with little or no issues. I don't believe there is a way to predict that. Know that something has a likelihood of happening gives you time to prepare for it; knowing for certain if you can handle any of what may come about is another thing altogether, since you don't know what you may be called upon to handle. We've kind of taken the Boy Scout approach (Be prepared) and also repeat the "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" mantra, too.

The things that we've had to deal with weren't what I thought I was prepared for. The things that I had prepared for, weren't really what we ended up dealing with on a daily basis. I guess having a flexibility in my mind that I MAY need to use this tool or that resource made it more doable in daily life. Knowing that I might need outside help, having a plan of action ready should I need it, etc. all made working through the issues we have encountered that much easier.

Additionally, the things that are so bothersome, annoying, and aggravating we suddenly kind of noticed are Universal Kidisms. That is, ALL kids do these things in varying degrees, and even our 'most' exposed kids fall within the normal parameters for the universal kidisms of poking their siblings, whining, being active when we want them to be calm, not using the manners they should when in public, stalling and not getting chores done, etc. etc. Ok, we do have one who is in the very HIGH end of normal for doing all these things, but he's not freakishly abnormal. (And the areas where he really lags, people in general just don't notice.)

Thanks Barksum... now I don't have to post, lol!

I echo all posted here, ESPECIALLY the part about alcohol. My understanding is (from drug abuse counselors, doctors specializing in prenatal exposure cases, my own reading and research and personal experience in both our cases) that where there are illegal drugs, there is alcohol use (after all, it is legal!). Alcohol has to be considered as a factor. And it is the worst drug for babies to be exposed to.

I also wanted to emphasize the "no guarantees" part. You just don't know what the possibilities are so really, each "match" is a risk. And the possibilities for kiddos prenatally exposed to anything is a spectrum. And as I said in my post on another thread, we can't tell right now (at age 3 1/2 and 14 months) what is possible effects and what is personality or toddler/preschool stuff. We just don't know and won't know probably for many years to come.

The key to this and any other kind of parenting is to go into it with eyes wide open and hope for the best. But the risks involved are not for everyone, and there is no shame in saying that.

[msdizzydolores]

I haven't read all the responses, but I will...but I am here at my desk during my lunch bawling because I have a 6 month old from .... that I am interested in adopting and I am scared stiff about taking on this challenge.

My niece was exposed and she is perfectly fine. My sister was OUT THERE with the drug use and my niece has no issues whatsoever. I cant say that for my cousin. Totall opposite...speech issues, learning delays (she has an IEP/ILP) and was originally labelled as moderately retarded (I hate that word).

I am sitting her crying and praying because the desire to be a mother for me is so strong, and I am single, but I also want this child to not have any issues.

I dont know what to do.

I see so many other kids who were exposed and do well.

[eightnotenough]

Originally Posted by msdizzydolores

I haven't read all the responses, but I will...but I am here at my desk during my lunch bawling because I have a 6 month old from .... that I am interested in adopting and I am scared stiff about taking on this challenge.

My niece was exposed and she is perfectly fine. My sister was OUT THERE with the drug use and my niece has no issues whatsoever. I cant say that for my cousin. Totall opposite...speech issues, learning delays (she has an IEP/ILP) and was originally labelled as moderately retarded (I hate that word).

I am sitting her crying and praying because the desire to be a mother for me is so strong, and I am single, but I also want this child to not have any issues.

I dont know what to do.

I see so many other kids who were exposed and do well.

All children have issues that is apart of life. I have bio children along with two adopted children one, premiee and one exposed ( tested positive at birth ) to crack. I wouldnt trade either one of my girls. My youngest who is exposed to drugs, is doing good. She has some issues however nothing we cant handle. I guess long story short. The ONE thing I found to help out big time was to be very schedule oriented.

[msdizzydolores]

Originally Posted by eightnotenough

All children have issues that is apart of life. I have bio children along with two adopted children one, premiee and one exposed ( tested positive at birth ) to crack. I wouldnt trade either one of my girls. My youngest who is exposed to drugs, is doing good. She has some issues however nothing we cant handle. I guess long story short. The ONE thing I found to help out big time was to be very schedule oriented.

Amen. Biologically children often have more issues than children born to drug/alcohol addicated parents. And I wish the world would realize that.

It's funny, the same sister with the 13 year old that I took care of for the first year and a half of her life while my sister was in rehab for a year is healthy, normal, beautiful and the biggest comedian you will ever know.

Now, my siser is a therapist and is so adamant about me not getting a child with these issues (like she hasn't been there, done that and possibly could have caused issues for my niece) because she deals with them each and everyday with her clients and patients.

I would love to have this 6 month old. I know she has 3 other siblings, I wonder if the caseworker will be able to get me information on how they are doing.

I'm just being prayerful, but I also want God to speak to me and tell me what HE wants. I know I can do this, but do I really want to is the question.

Giving children love, shelter, stability and nurturing is what helps them beat the odds. But what if she doesnt turn out to be ok?

Just thinking about loud and hopefully someone can calm my fears.

I can hear my family now. KEEP LOOKING.
I've been doing that. And the older kids I have received information on are NO BETTER. I didnt realize how bad off these kids were until I read the profiles.

Uggghhhhh, what should I do????

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by msdizzydolores

Now, my siser is a therapist and is so adamant about me not getting a child with these issues (like she hasn't been there, done that and possibly could have caused issues for my niece) because she deals with them each and everyday with her clients and patients.

I would love to have this 6 month old. I know she has 3 other siblings, I wonder if the caseworker will be able to get me information on how they are doing.

I'm just being prayerful, but I also want God to speak to me and tell me what HE wants. I know I can do this, but do I really want to is the question.

Giving children love, shelter, stability and nurturing is what helps them beat the odds. But what if she doesnt turn out to be ok?

Just thinking about loud and hopefully someone can calm my fears.

I can hear my family now. KEEP LOOKING.
I've been doing that. And the older kids I have received information on are NO BETTER. I didnt realize how bad off these kids were until I read the profiles.

Uggghhhhh, what should I do????

I think the one thing that would help lots of people struggling with these kind of things is to realize again that with any child, there are no guarantees on how a child's health will play out. Of course, prenatal exposure adds a whole other element into the mix but really, with each child, there's a different set of issues. Some of them easy. Others change the whole course of everyone's life. I could give so many examples from people I know...

You just don't know... no one does. No one knows how the kiddos will turn out no matter what happens to them. You do have a choice in adoption and control in the matter by saying "no" to a child that you know has a history that you aren't ready to cope with. No shame in that. But the bottom line is that there are no guarantees. And there is no shame is saying 'no' if you feel you need to.

Like you, we allowed our faith to guide us and willingly opened ourselves to some pretty scary possibilities trusting that God would close the door as we asked if it was something our family couldn't cope with. That is what it came down to for us in the end, when in so many situations, we could see the possibilities both good and hard. Trust your gut or your God and then prepare like crazy for a wild and blessed ride. Ahhh, but ain't that parenting????

[Barksum]

I can't tell you what to do, Dizzy. That has to be your decision, based on your gut instinct. (((hugs))) You can do your research, know that parenting will wring you out, and throw you up on the beach breathless and you just have to run right back in...and that's with ANY child! LOL

We were scared spitless with some of our kids when we first adopted them. I mean, WHAT do you DO???!! They had obvious issues, they had so much background already, even at only 12 or 24 months old. Yikes. But...we took a leap of faith, and while it has not been easy (if you want an easy life, don't have kids) and we are a bit more frazzled and crazy than we used to be, we are also blessed beyond measure by our little wonders.

[Becki_in_IN]

You've gotten a lot of great replies. Everyone else has talked about long term issues, but I wanted to mention a few short-term ones. Can you handle the constant high-pitched crying that a drug baby often does early on? Do you have a support network to help out if you need a break? Can you be proactive in getting this child the early intervention services he needs? Can you handle the stupid comments people sometimes make?

Our kids are all exposed to drugs and alcohol. The baby tested positive for cocaine. With services, cocaine babies really can do well.

[joskids]

Two of our children were drug and likely alcohol exposed. I agree with those that fear ALCOHOL more than the cocaine and other drugs. I know children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and know it is a real struggle some days (as it is with all children also) but I feared that the most. Both of our drug exposed children are doing beautifully. They are very attractive, doing better than average work in school, do not sass me or act out, no one would know of their exposure. Our daughter came at the age of 2 so I can't speak for how she was as a newborn but in speaking with her birthmother very openly, she doesn't report any unusual fussiness. Our son was an EXTREMELY good baby, slept well, ate well, not at all fussy, most days you wouldn't have even known we had a new baby, the transition to our home and family was incredibly smooth. And still is. At the age of 9, he has NEVER sassed me or told me "no". He's an incredibly warm and wonderful child with many friends, excelling in sports and math and science. So the previous posters were SO RIGHT and have much experience. You REALLY DO HAVE TO GO WITH YOUR GUT. I can't explain that to you. You will just KNOW when a child is meant to be with you. And what others say must take a back seat to what YOU want and YOU feel. My mother was so afraid of us taking one of our children, born to an MR mother. I'll bet she doesn't even remember feeling that way today as she sees how beautiful and bright he is. God told us it was right. That's not something I can explain to you. This is YOUR decision. Get as much information as you can about birth siblings, do your research and then go with what you feel. And you have so much support on these forums. My warm thoughts are with you on your adoption journey.