[kareniniowa]

I have been looking for a forum like this for such a long time! We adopted our daughter at birth, and she is not quite 3 now. She is a sweet little girl, but she is aggressive and sometimes violent toward other children. When she sees another child her size or smaller, she knocks them over, tries to poke them in the eye, throws sand in their eyes, etc. We are so afraid she is going to hurt somebody. It is really stressful taking her anywhere.

We are going to start seeing a pediatric psychologist soon. She starts pre-school this fall full-time after having been home with me since birth, and I am very concerned about how she will do.

We are waiting to adopt another child and have told our agency that we are open to a child exposed to drugs in-utero, but I have to admit I'm a little scared now that we are seeing some issues. I don't regret for a minute that we adopted her, but I sure wish I could turn back the clock and keep her birthmother from using drugs. I know she wishes that, too. She went into treatment when she learned of the pregnancy at 4 months, and has been doing well. We have a good relationship (voluntary decision to place for adoption).

I think it will help me to learn about what some other parents are experiencing and what has worked for them.

Karen in Iowa

[BrandyHagz]

Hi Karen,

Welcome to the forums - I know there are a number of mom's here on the forum who have adopted drug exposed children at birth and beyond.

I hope you're able to find the answers your looking for!

[pechocha]

Hi,

We have a 19 month old daughter, she has always been a really happy baby, really sweet and affective, but about about a month ago, she started being really aggressive, she throws things at us with anger, throws on the floor and kicks and babysitter just called me that she got into a fight with another kid and bite him on the shoulder, after putting them in time out, she started picking on the boy for no apparent reason. She gets upset really easy. She was drug exposed to meth but don't have any other information, she didn't show any signs of withdrawal when she was a baby, and now wonder if the anger and aggressivenes towards other kids and people is an effect of the drugs, or just the "terrible two" as most of the people tells me. I will be interested to find out what had worked for other parents as well.

[Barksum]

We have 4 prenatally exposed kids. Some days it is...well...it is what it is!

Some of our kids were pretty aggressive, particularly when they didn't have the skills to communicate their emotions very clearly. It takes TIME and alot of patterning. By patterning I mean that I told the kids the appropriate emotion and way to behave. Sounds bizarre and controlling, but it is what they needed. They NEEDED to know what was the right thing to do and I needed to tell them what it was.

Additionally I've found that my kids can out-perseverate most other kids. My current 'terrible two' year old is very good at having long lasting fits of anger and aggression. Amazing to me at times - and he's my 4th child, and we've also fostered kids, so it isn't as though I'm not familiar with kids and their stages of development, or having stubborn two year olds! We work to make sure that he is up on his meds for reflux, since pain can be a trigger for aggression, we watch for signs of SI stuff, we do all that we can to make sure there is not an underlying reason for the tantrums, but then we batten the hatches and just ride it out. We do not give in to demands made in nasty voices, either whiney or yelling. He may not throw anything in anger. He must pick up anything he messes up while having a temper tantrum. He sits in time out for 1 minute (we don't do a minute per age as I think he's a little immature). We make him go pick up, we make him ask nicely, we make him apologize for hurting siblings, we make him give back things he grabs, and this all takes T I M E, and lots of it.

For some kids being in groups of peers is not a good idea. We tended to avoid this. Not really out of fore-thought, but because we homeschool and our kids play with other families of children, so there may be one or two kids in a group of 10 or 15 kids who are the same age, but overall they were playing with a mix of ages. The beauty of this, we found, was that the older kids learned to help the younger kids and the families were willing to help by making some accomodations for my kids with various problems. In general having a mix of ages made for happier play dates and helped everyone stretch their social skills in a variety of ways.

One of the problems that needed attention during play with other kids is that they were/are social dysmaturity, so they act/ed younger than their chronological age. The other kids have had to adjust for this, and they did so with no fuss. Another problem is the lack of ability to regulate their emotions without prompts from helpers (ie: parents, supervising adults and even other kids who could figure this out). They need/needed help to de-escalate their anger or frustration, much as a toddler does.

Additionally, and this was a huge factor that we didn't recognize for 2 years, is the sensory integration component. MANY children who were drug exposed have SI problems. Our oldest Ds happened to have a big case of tactile defensiveness, and could not stand to be touched. BOY, did we have a whole new world open up before us when we finally got that information! What a help to be able to know that he was throwing himself onto the floor screaming because someone TOUCHED him, not because he didn't get his way or whatever is a 'normal' trigger for tantrumming! Then we got to explain this to others, which helped at play dates, believe me! LOL

I guess the key is to know your child, work to figure out what frustrates them, and then work to figure out how to give them the tools to overcome this frustration. SOMETIMES kids need to have parents remove the frustration, or run interference for them. Not always...and that's another fine line to work to figure out. Do I accomodate this area, or do I look for tools to train the child to figure this out on their own? And that is an ever changing thing; the kids figure out stuff more on their own, you have to figure out when to remove a crutch and when to give a different one...it gets intense at times to keep ahead of the game. LOL

Share whatever you find that works, too.

[blessedbybug]

Both my kids were prenatally exposed to crack-cocaine and alcohol. To this point, they seem to be doing fine. We've had them evaluated already for services in the early intervention program and they didn't qualify. We took this as a good thing.

Barksum had some very insightful points in her post coming from vast experience. You decision to see a ped psych is an excellent first step in determining what if anything needs to be done to help your DD. We have already started a relnship with a family psychologist who specializes in prenatal exposure cases. So we hope we're ready when the times come to get our kids what they need.

As for your concern about a second placement, it is very scary because you don't know the outcome. We felt the exact same way. Our son (second child) has had many more struggles than our DD. But we did go into this knowing that in making the choices we did, we had to be prepared for the possible struggle of raising a child with some issues to deal with.

I wish you the best! And keep us updated...

[mommytoEli]

ds 4 was prenatally exposed to meth and more...he is a doll...but he has his moments....daily lol! I would do it all again in a heart beat though, and I would love to parent another baby exposed. We fostered a newborn for 4 months that was meth exposed when ds4 was 2. It was "OK"...the new baby reacted much differently than ds EVER did. I was definitely more tired and frustrated.....he was nothing like ds4 had been. I wonder if some of my frustration came from comparing him to ds4. So...while it is hard NOT to compare meth babies.....one thing to remember is that each child is different, each round of meth is different, and the way it effects each child is different.

I'm glad you found us.....good luck on your journey. Please stick around and tell us more about your experiences. I will be interested to hear solutions your peds psych has for you so that i can steal them...or file them away to be stolen later