[Stormster]

We are closing in on the due date for our EM....and she and I are kind of friendly I guess. She is close to my age and she's had some hard knocks but she does talk to me a little about her life.

She fits all the criteria for Meth abuse which is why I am here....everyone says I have to go to see myself how the baby tests. Fine we will do it! Attorney says it's 50/50 not terrible odds, not great odds.

We already know we wont' be able to parent a drug exposed child. I think I mentioned that here.

But I keep feeling like I should be able to ask her straight up if she did any drugs during the pregnancy! She may lie but if I explain to her that the reason I'm asking is because we really aren't equipped to raise a child with drug related issues and we are just trying to protect her because there ARE families out there that would adopt him.

If she knows we wont' take him, why wouldn't she be honest? She's not immature and not irrational at all.

We've been "advised" that any questions like that (or any requests for a hair test) would just ruin the relationship. So it comes down to a visit in a week or two (I don't mind, less scary than meeting her for the first time at the birth) and then a trip cross country again 6 weeks or so after that.

IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ME. But it just feels so not fair that we have to walk on eggshells with her. And maybe not fair to her to think we want a baby so badly that we'd take a baby with meth in his system.

THIS IS SO HARD.

[marykath]

Yes, it is hard. I feel for you. We had a similar situation w/ our first birthmom...walking on eggshells about what drugs she did and how much.
I am wondering why the attorney or agency or whatever you are using can't ask her? It would be a lot better to do that than to have the question come from you. You want to keep your relationship with her her positive and non-judgemental - you want it to be on good footing to create a lasting bond.

My inclination is believe that birthmoms don't lie about drug use during pregnancy, at least in private adoptions where county authorities are not involved. Our first birthmom didn't. In fact, at our first meeting she told us to be sure to tell the peditrician that she used meth daily during pregnancy. I think many birthmoms who decide on private adoption want to keep you well informed so you can care for the baby in the best way possible way. After all, you both love the baby and want what's best for him/her.

[Stormster]

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Our consultant did ask her....she said please tell us if you're doing anything not because we wouldn't take the baby but because we don't want surprises and we would need to let our pedatrician know.

Her response was clear. She was not doing drugs. She has admitted to smoking cigarettes. Least of our worries. And there have been some minor arrests, one for driving under the influence of something and one for possession of something. That was a while ago.

But our attorney just told me that usually when an EM is missing her doctor's appointments it is because she is hiding something from the adoptive parents. Because the results come right to us.

I get that but I just want to believe she's big and it's hot and she doesn't feel like going...and the thing is all I hear is terms like usually, 50/50, in many cases....I guess I just have to chill. Still I've been advised not to go visit her until she's had another exam. Not that it will show anything....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thanks. there is no answer.

[marykath]

Yes, I understand that feeling of "wanting to believe." It could be drugs, it could be she doesn't have transportation, it could be something better came up and she flaked on her dr. appt.

Is this your first adoption? We once had a birthmom who chose us, then stopped taking our telephone calls and eventually backed out. Maybe it's the same thing, emotionally speaking? You don't want to become emotionally invested until it's a sure thing, but you don't want to become emotionally distant in case it could happen for you.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

We are closing in on the due date for our EM....and she and I are kind of friendly I guess. She is close to my age and she's had some hard knocks but she does talk to me a little about her life.

She fits all the criteria for Meth abuse which is why I am here....everyone says I have to go to see myself how the baby tests. Fine we will do it! Attorney says it's 50/50 not terrible odds, not great odds.

We already know we wont' be able to parent a drug exposed child. I think I mentioned that here.

But I keep feeling like I should be able to ask her straight up if she did any drugs during the pregnancy! She may lie but if I explain to her that the reason I'm asking is because we really aren't equipped to raise a child with drug related issues and we are just trying to protect her because there ARE families out there that would adopt him.

If she knows we wont' take him, why wouldn't she be honest? She's not immature and not irrational at all.

We've been "advised" that any questions like that (or any requests for a hair test) would just ruin the relationship. So it comes down to a visit in a week or two (I don't mind, less scary than meeting her for the first time at the birth) and then a trip cross country again 6 weeks or so after that.

IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ME. But it just feels so not fair that we have to walk on eggshells with her. And maybe not fair to her to think we want a baby so badly that we'd take a baby with meth in his system.

THIS IS SO HARD.

I completely understand the feeling of wanting it to be alright. And maybe it is. Maybe meeting her face to face will alleviate some of your fears or concerns. ANd you have to decide what to believe or not believe based on her actions and words. It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells at all and I am sure, very frustrating feeling like you can't be direct and honest. THIS IS SO HARD. We can agree on that!!!!

You can ask but I am here to say FROM MY EXPERIENCE you most likely will not get a straight answer. ANyone who is an addict is not using rational or mature behavior. That's the reality. If she is not using, than she probably is a rational and mature person. But addiction changes things. You have to face that.

I can tell you from my experience that yes, an expecting mom who has been using MAY not tell the whole truth in order that her child might end up in the home she wants. IN some ways, I understand that they are fearful that they may not be able to find a home for their child. This happened to us our first time. We received a letter AFTER the placement with more of her story and it included her explanation for why she withheld information. And that explanation was that she was worried no good family would want her child based on her choices early in the pregnancy. That was/is our reality.

THere is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that you can't handle a child who has a history of drug exposure. But it may be a disservice to this expecting mother to keep her from looking for another family if you are unwilling to take a child who may be exposed prenatally. There will be other families willing to parent this child if she chooses to place her child in another home.

I'm sorry this road has been so hard for you. I hope that you get the answers you need soon to make your decision.

[kelceesmom]

Gwenn,
I don't have experience with drug exposed babies but I do have experience with someone who has an addiction.

If they are using, it's not that they don't want to be honest, it's they can't be honest. If you she is being rational with you she probably is not doing anything in great amounts. Missing doctors appts doesn't mean she was using that day. Our bmom had transportation problems and I can't tell you how many appts. she missed. We were suspicious a lot of the pregnancy. In the end our daughter was clean. If your agency or attorney hasn't asked her yet ask them to do so.

As you know always be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. It will probably be something right in the middle. Take care and good luck.

Denice

[Stormster]

First, Tammy she sent you a LETTER? When? What did she say? That is unbelievable ...it's so right and so wrong at the same time. You don't really have to say what she said I just am floored.

I have no doubt in mind that she wants to place with us. Our relationship has been very consistent for many months now. Her hospital told us she has not sent her medicals anywhere else, we are the only people requesting it...She went to the attorney as planned (they picked her up!) but then missed the second appointment. That is why it's so confusing.

The medical center is right down the block so I doubt it's transportation, but maybe she's really big and hot!

That is why it's not cut and dry with her. Part of me wants to tell her and part of me doesn't.

Part of me wants to wait and see for myself and part of me wants to know now.

Thanks for your support. I feel VERY attached to this situation. But 2 weeks of the month she disappears and I've gotten good at waiting those times out. (I used to talk to other PBM's)

We shall see. Luckily her due date isn't that far away June 14.

Oh yeah one other question...don't many meth addicts give birth early?

And yeah, I know about addiction too. She's probably spent her whole life lying about it although except for hustling us once in a while she's been fairly honest with us.

What I"m afraid of is the baby scores really well on the Asper scale and they detect a very low level in the poop. Does that ever happen?

[Stormster]

I agree, i have found in life that it IS somewhere in the middle, every time.

That's why I asked about the low level meth/high asper scale because I really think that what will happen.

BTW in our failed Texas situation the birth mother had zero prenatal care, I'm talking not one dr. visit and she was a meth user (she said not during but who knows)

[leenab]

As an adoptive mother of 2 drug exposed children, through fostercare. I would have to say I would want to know about drug use. My sons are now 6 & 2 1/2 years old. Knowing their drug exposures, type and duration have really helped in knowing what to look out for as well as why they have some of the issues they have.

If I were in a private adoption and paying for medical care for a birth mom I would INSIST on her having drug screenings, especially if she had a past of drug use/abuse. Afterall she's planning to entrust her biological child to you to raise. Wouldn't she want you to know everything? That way you'll be able to parent the child effectively and look out for potential problems. In your case you stated you don't want to parent a drug exposed child. So the truth needs to come out.

-Leena

[marykath]

You mean the apgar scale, right? They rate them on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the healthiest?
Our oldest daughter scored a 10. Her birthmom used meth the night she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Our daughter was born three weeks early.
Does this help at all? I don't think any test can predict the future w/ accuracy. Possible health complications as an infant, possible hyperactivity as a preschooler, possible problems learning and paying attention as a school-age child...it's all possible.
Like Kelcee's mom said, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[Stormster]

When I go to visit her I'm going to let her know that we really need to know if the baby will have any "substances" in his system. That way it won't be about her. I will just talk about it as what's best for the baby and not act like drugs are the devil..just be matter of fact about it. She'll say no probably but we will be honest about what we can handle and maybe she'll come clean with us sometime before the birth for the sake of the baby.

Can anyone tell me if it's just a pos/neg thing when they check the first stool (forgot that word for it) or can they detect different levels?

I just want to understand everything so I don't walk away for the wrong reasons!!!!

Thanks

[leenab]

I have one of my son's original bloodwork from his birth. It detected certain levels of various drugs, and he was tested over days to make sure the levels were dropping, etc.

Are you not permitted to ask for drug screenings?

-Leena

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

First, Tammy she sent you a LETTER? When? What did she say? That is unbelievable ...it's so right and so wrong at the same time. You don't really have to say what she said I just am floored.

I don't hold it against her at all. I'm glad we know what we know. I wished we would have known it sooner but I have worked to see what her true intention was and that was to find the best family, in her eyes, for her child. I have to accept that with the hardships that our situations presented.

I really do believe that the struggle with giving or withholding information is about shame in most cases. When I put myself in their shoes for the split second that is possible (since I haven't lived much of life that parallels some of the heartache they have experienced...) I can well imagine it must be to ask those questions about struggles that are hard to admit. I really hurt for them.

[BrandyHagz]

But our attorney just told me that usually when an EM is missing her doctor's appointments it is because she is hiding something from the adoptive parents.

Or she could just not want to deal.

Or her Dr. could be a complete tool.

Or the office staff could treat her like crap.

Or she knows there is no issue, she is doing all the right things and she just doesn't like dealing with the humiliation and ridicule dished out every time she attends a Dr.'s office full of women happy to be in that position.

Or, it could be what your attorney said...

...it wasn't for me...I went to 2 OB apt's during my pregnancy...for all the other reasons listed in my post...and NEVER did ANYTHING that would cause damage to the child I was carrying.

If she hasn't lied about anything else...why would she lie about this?

[marykath]

I am embarassed to say I did not think of those things. Of course, it must be very difficult for her to go to appts. and wait in a room with a bunch of other pregnant women who have different circumstances.