[hemd01]

I am working on a list of quesitons for us, birthmom and hospital administrators to ensure we have to the best of our abilities prepared for the time in the hospital. Things like Do you want to feed the baby? Who will feed the baby first? Who do want the baby handed to first in the delivery room? Can we have a seperate room for bonding in the hospital? Etc. Does anyone have a document they created to itemize all the things we should think about ahead of time.

[Dickons]

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and allow the emom to make all of those decisions. I can understand how much you want to make sure everything goes right but you also need to make sure that the choice to place her child with you is not done under any pressure from you. If she wants things done a specific way that is her call and you really have absolutely no say in any of it.

Hopefully others will chime in.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[JustPeachy]

I agree with Dickons. This is something the emom should be thinking about and something her agency should be discussing with her, assuming she is using an agency.

I would want the emom to know that she should be thinking of her birth plan and how she wants things handled in the hospital, so if she is not aware that she should be doing this, I think she should be informed of her rights. But after that, it should be up to her to make these decision.

I feel if you point blank ask her things like "do you want to feed the baby first" she may defer to you out of being afraid of hurting your feelings, not because she really wants you to.

Just MHO.

[hemd01]

JustPeachy - Thanks for the info. We do not have an agency and are only working through lawyers. These are things that have not been talked about with anyone by her or us. I just want to make sure she has thought about these things even though she does not have to decide until the baby comes but I don't want her to be shocked in any way but the emotions and things that she will have to decide. I guess I don't want to ask her these things but have a list of things that she should think about.

[Dickons]

I am sorry that adoptive parents have not read your post and responded.

The emom needs to ensure she has someone unbiased to talk to and a separate lawyer to represent her and not another lawyer from the same firm as your lawyer.

As potential adoptive parents do you not have to take classes so that the court will approve the adoption?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[KyliesMommy]

HMD01 - I pm'd you

[momof2adopted]

Originally Posted by Dickons

As potential adoptive parents do you not have to take classes so that the court will approve the adoption?

Kind regards,
Dickons

Dickons,
You only take classes if you go thru an agency, adoptive parents who are adopting privatly only need a home study done and approved.

Hemdo1 Have you talked with the emom and asked what she wants. In our situation we didn't make it in time for the delivery but the hospital was aware of the adoption and had a room for us, Bmom asked for us to come into room after the birth. Our second adoption happened in a small town and we came and went on the birthing floor.

[megaphonemo]

Whatever you plan for, plan too for it to change. Easy to say ahead of time "I don't want to feed the baby", but that really can change at the spur of the moment. Also realize that what the hospital administrators want and say is VERY different from the nurses on duty at the time of delivery, and every shift thereafter...... You may encounter the greatest most adoption supportive nurses, or you may encounter some that just can't believe what is happening, or some that are very old school and can't believe you are actually talking to the birthmom....

The only thing you can expect is that what ever you plan, will change.....

Glad to hear you are trying to plan, but you can't plan everything....

Mega

[rredhead]

I think it's important to ask the questions and talk with the hospital's social worker. You need to know what the hospital's policy on adoption is. You should find out if the expectant mom has a birth plan, and if that birth plan includes you at all. You should also find out what she wants in terms of contact with the baby. I wrote a page about the hospital on my web site:

Our Adoption Journey: The Hospital

Good luck!

[hemd01]

Thank you very much for you info, I appreciate it.

[nickandwendy]

I agree with what everyone else has said but I do think you need a birth plan. Here is what we have on our list...

1. Comfy clothing to wear to the hospital in case we are there a long time.
2. Camera with batteries charged.
3. Plan for who will be in the room. emom has said she wants us there. She has notified the hospital of this.
4. Car seat - be sure it's in the car and you know how to use it.
5. Make sure you and your significant other know how to get to the hospital etc.
6. Gift/card for birthmom. We want to bring her something special, but not over the top. We are working on that right now.
7. Vaccinations - If I'm asked or given the opportunity I will refuse the Hep B vaccination and postpone until we see our own pediatrician.

Hope that helps.

[ourdreamcametru]

Our adoption was private domestic too and I will tell you that anything that happens up to time for the hospital means nothing! Pbirthmom can seem firm in her decision before hand but once that baby is here she has to make that decision all over again. The time in the hospital is hers to decide and although it's fine for you to make a list of your questions and either ask her to review them or as we did, give them to the attorney and allow him/her to share them with pbirthmom. For us our Daughter's bmom was alway firm in her decision to place but before hospital day she didn't want DH or I in the delivery room and she wanted to keep DD with her and allow us to visit in her room. Then at the very last second she called me in to the delivery, I was the first to hold DD and bmom never ask for her alone, she would come to the room the hospital gave DH and I if she wanted to visit. Some things you just can't plan and this is one of them. Just try to relax and allow this to be a good experience for all involved.

ETA- Be sure you check with our attorney before giving the Pbmother ANYTHING! We were allowed to buy her food in the hospital, DH brought us dinner from an outside resturant each night, but nothing as a gift until TPR was signed.