[furrybluemom]

We need to rewrite our will to put our oldest son's money into a trust. While doing this we should also consider our guardianship choices which have changed over the last 16 years! Our oldest is 19 and has multiple handicaps and will not likely live independently. We are looking into group home options for him. Our twins are 14 and college bound. They will live with my sister until then. Baby Q is 5 months old and is part of an open adoption. While filling our paperwork, we got a letter from my sister saying she would be the guardian of the new baby. We would like to consider asking our birthmom to be Q's guardian. She is already parenting a 6 year old and doing so in a way we really respect. Q would take a share of the estate with her. Has anyone else done this? How would I break the news to my sister?

[PersianMama]

I'm guessing that your sister would be caught off guard that you are proposing to leave your child to one of the two people on Earth who chose not to raise her in the first place...

[DianeS]

Wow, how will your kids feel about that? In the event of your death, not only would they lose you, but some of their sibs as well? Some sibs would be fine with that, some would not be. Your twins are old enough to have an opinion about that, and should probably know ahead of time. Q is too young right now to have an opinion, so you'll have to decide for her - is it OK with you that she lose everybody that she is currently growing up with? In a couple years she'll have an opinion of her own.

Have the things that caused Q's birthmother to place her for adoption been resolved yet? I know you said Q would have a share in your estate, but money doesn't solve all situations. There are some that it would barely even help. I'd be surprised to find a situation that would have significant change after only 5 months.

But let's assume you've considered all those already, and have decided this is the best choice. Then the first step would be making sure Q's birthmom is agreeable. No sense in telling your sister until everything is set up. Talk to Q's birthmom about EVERYTHING. Not just about parenting Q in the event of your death, but about the incidentals that go along with that - how would Q and the twins be expected to refer to each other? How often would there be contact between the four siblings? Would there be visits? What would birthmom be called -"birthmom so-and-so", "mom", "first name", and how does that differ from what Q would call her during your lifetime?

In many guardianship situations after a parent dies, it's a relative who has custody, so these questions have almost automatic answers. Of course sibs split between family members would have visits, because the family members themselves visit each other. Of course there would be contact, because the guardians keep contact with each other even before the kids come into the situation. What the children call their guardians is already addressed, because there is already a name for that person (Aunt, Grandpa, etc).

It sounds like this might be rather complicated. Not impossible, just complicated. When it's time to tell your sister, I'd definately do it in person. You can bring it up by telling her as guardian for your twins, she needs to know how the other children will be accomodated.

One more note: As a non family member, Q's birthmom will not be notified in the event of your death like a family member would be. So someone in your family will have to notify her. The executor of your will could do it, except that you don't want to wait for the reading of the will for Q's birthmom to be informed of your death. You probably want her right there with your family, so she could take custody right away. So someone in your family will have to call her as soon as they know. Perhaps that person will be your sister. That's another entry into the conversation.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

[sbaglio]

If I was in your shoes, I would seriously reconsider. If this has to do with some issue you have with your sister, how about picking another family member? OA aside, your child is in your family now. I can't think what effect this would have on your child's siblings and the rest of your family.

[eagleswings216]

I know I wouldn't go the route you are considering. I mean, the bmom just recently gave Q up for adoption, so why 5 months later would it be okay for her to raise Q? I also think it would be quite confusing as DianeS said. If Q were your biological child, who would you choose as the guardian? That is who I would go with. (this is just my opinion and is totally up to you, of course)

[Blessed2x.]

Your post has gotten me to think. You have 4 children, various ages and needs.

I can see where you would consider a different scenario for Q...you are considering a potential whole childhood, whereas your teen twins would need guidance to become adults, but are mostly grown.

My husband and I are guardians for some close friend's children. They have chosen us over family members because they believe we would raise their children in an environment that is closest to their own. We are also good friends with their family. We have communicated that in the sad event we would need to be guardians, we would consider their family as our own.

When considering guardians for my own children, I consider environment, time, values. And I consider who would love my children the most passionately, who would treasure and protect them as much as their own children.

I don't know your whole story, but I am assuming that you are involved in an open adoption with Q's birth mom, and that she will be a unique extension of your family. Given that assumption, I will respectfully divert from the crowd.... I see the reasoning behind your consideration of her as guardian. It makes sense.

(The other posts have excellent points to consider as you make final decisions)

Best of luck to you.