[thedaddy]

Hello all

My daughter is due in April. We have been matched with a birthmom who lives in our very own town.

I have some reservations about this that I wanted some support with:

Our son was adopted from Guatemala about 18 months ago. So I am totally unfamiliar with the prospect of having the birth mother nearby. (and totally new to having a newborn as my son was 15 months when he finally came home)

So far she has said that she wants no contact with the child, but I hear that may change as she meets us and as her pregnancy continues. She has 2 other children that do not live with her, but who she speaks with daily on the phone.

My wife bought her a cell phone and has been in contact with her. We will both meet her this evening with the social worker at dinner. And my wife just told me that she is planning to take her for her ultrasound this week! So this is moving along.

My concerns stem from the "how open to be" question. What I liked about adopting from Guate is the same thing that hurts about it: there's no worries that someone is going to just show up at our door, but there's very little likelihood that our son is going to have the oppurtunity to meet his family of origin.

But in this current circumstance, it probably is likely that we will encounter the birth mom at some point, at the mall or grocery store, and it wouldn't be hard for her to track us down if she really wanted to.

I want my daughter to feel connected to this world; to have an idea of where she came from and who she is. She will look differently than us: her skin will be darker. Of course we plan on talking to her early on about her origins, but I'm sure she would appreciate as much information as possible about her birth mom when she's older.

On the other hand, I don't want an invasion into my family. I happen to know the birth mom was a drug dealer before she got pregnant, and while she seems like a sweet person, she is not the kind of roll model I think my daughter needs at a young age.

Again, as of yet, I have no reason to think this will be a problem. But people change. As this young woman ages will she want to seek out our daughter?

I guess I was just looking for some experience with these issues.

[belleinblue1978]

Well, I'm a first mom so you are getting a differen't perspective, but here goes.

This woman isn't a birth mom yet, she is an expectant mom. I know you're excited but the baby is still her daughter, not yours. I'm sure it is very hard to be excited and still remember that.

As far as openness goes you need to have an honest discussion about what all of you want. I don't just show up on my kid's doorstep, that would be inappropriate. I do however write him a letter at least once a month and see him around four times a year.

If you only want a closed adoption and she wants an open adoption you need to be upfront with her. Don't make promises you can't/won't keep. You'll have to explain that to your child someday and that would be a betrayal to them as well as the first mom. I'd say if your goals are that different then you aren't a good match.

Something you need to remember is that women who voluntarily place their children only want what is best for their kids. We, for the most part, don't want to be hanging around in the bushes scaring people. We aren't stars in Lifetime movies.

Is the emom getting counselling? She should be, this is the hardest choice she will ever make in her life.

[rredhead]

This is my opinion.
Open adoption is good. Setting boundaries is also good. I'm very glad that I have contact with my son's birthmom. She lives in a different state. Honestly, even with her issues, I'd like to be closer to her - perhaps a few hours' drive away - so we could maintain the connection.
Check out openadoptionsupport.com, a site created by an adoptive mom in a very open adoption. She and her DD's birthmom live in the same vicinity as well.

~Robyn

[jp4ga]

I am currently in a semi-open adoption. I had some of the same fears that you have. What you need to do is have an open discussion with the emom about what you and she both want. Prior to getting my placement the bmom told me she wanted phone calls, I told her I was uncomfortable with phone calls right now but as time went on I would probably become more comfortable with them. She wanted face to face visits, I told her I did not feel comfortable with them, but with time I probably would. I left the meeting in tears, feeling like she would not choose my family. A few hours later the baby was delivered to my hotel room. The bmom liked my honestly, and is willing to build a relationship with my family. Right now we do letters and pictures every few months, and I think soon we will do phone calls. We are just taking things step by step.

The main ponint, is Be honest, do what you say you will do, don't promise more than you are willing to do.

Also, the bmom of my daughter is not the "role model" I would want her to be, but like you said people do change and if she does place her child with you she deserves a chance.

[thanksgivingmom]

I agree 100% with what Belle said.

I too am in an open adoption and have the phone number and address of my daughter's Mom. I've never been to her house, stopped by, driven by (we live close-ish). I've never called her phone number (except when I was running late once for a visit!! traffic ) We primarily communicate through email.

While we don't live THAT close, I know that we occasionally frequent some of the same places - shopping areas, local attractions, etc. I know when I'm going there that I could bump into them - it's a possibility. I feel much better about that possibility knowing that IF we were to see each other randomly that her Mom wouldn't ignore me or run away (NOT saying you WOULD do those things!! Just that our open relationship allows for a possibly "awkward" bump in to be less so).

Good luck!

[thedaddy]

Thanks so much for everyone's replies, esp Belleinblue. Having a firstmom's perspective is invaluable to me.

ANyway, it's been two weeks since we met. While at first she wanted no contact, she is now requesting letters and pix 4 times a year. I was actually hoping for more contact than zero, and maybe this will progress to occasional visits or phone calls, which would be nice for my daughter when she is older.

We are having other bigger problems, though, now. Emom has failed to show up for 2 appointments with the attorney and court reporter. We are about 8 weeks away from birth. We have developed a relationship with her thru text messaging, myspace and phone calls and so we are still pretty sure she is interested in placing the baby with us. But it is very scarey not knowing for sure and knowing she could change her mind at any time.

She has three other children that all live at each father's family's home. I get the feeling that she would really have preferred this alternative but that this father was not interested. All that means for me is that, should he or someone else in the family have a change of heart, we will be tossed aside. I would be happy for her in this case, but very disappointed also.

ANyway, thanks for all your support!

[belleinblue1978]

The last bit of pregnancy is really tough both physically and emotionally. It's also a very reflective time.

She'll have to remake her decision to place after her baby is born. Things change so much once there is a baby there.

Have you talked with the edad at all? He has standing in this as well.

[thedaddy]

Well very good news, she showed up this time for the attorney. It took my wife taking her out the night before for her laundry and then meeting for breakfast and then taking her to the appt.

But a disturbing thing we just found out is that the father has no idea this baby is his.

Our attorney and SW have no problem with this at all, but it makes me uncomfortable.

I respect the emom's decision to keep this info from him, ie-there may be a very good reason.

But we were led to believe initially that he had chosen not to be involved b/c he is an illegal alien.

Anyway, not sure what I am supposed to do with this information.

[belleinblue1978]

He deserves to know that he has a child that will be born.

If this child ends up being with you, she may want to know her first father as well.

You know, if this girl is resisting the attorney so much that you have to take her there, perhaps she is having second thoughts. Maybe some space, and not taking her to an appointment like that would be appropriate.

[thedaddy]

Well I thought it may have appeared like we were pushing her by taking her there, but believe me we have given her alot of space. She has been pretty clear with the SW that she really wants to get this done. We believe the attorney is intimidating her and making some cultural feaux-paux.

I agree that he deserves to know, but this is not my place is it? I will talk to the SW about maybe us getting some info on him.

[belleinblue1978]

Do you think it is right that this woman is being intimidated? Not only that, but is it right for you to be taking her to someone that is intimidating her?

Why doesn't she have her own attorney?

[devildogwife]

I have to agree. If she doesn't have her own attorney, she really needs one. She needs someone who is protecting her interests solely. If the attorney is intimidating her, she shouldn't be seeing him.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by thedaddy

Well I thought it may have appeared like we were pushing her by taking her there, but believe me we have given her alot of space. She has been pretty clear with the SW that she really wants to get this done. We believe the attorney is intimidating her and making some cultural feaux-paux.

I agree that he deserves to know, but this is not my place is it? I will talk to the SW about maybe us getting some info on him.

Is it your place to seek him out and tell him personally? Perhaps not. BUT it IS his right to know that he's having a child (wouldn't YOU have wanted to know had you fathered a child previously???) An attorney could/should contact him. It's also only fair for the child....and yes, should this become your child, that is your place to make sure you provide all your child would need, and that should include knowing her paternal lineage when possible.

I have to agree with Belle and DDW that she should have her own attorney and not be taken to someone that intimidates her without proper representation.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by thedaddy

Well very good news, she showed up this time for the attorney. It took my wife taking her out the night before for her laundry and then meeting for breakfast and then taking her to the appt.

This is the part that sounded to me like you were taking her to the attorney and that *maybe* she might need the space belle was talking about. Your wife had to do x, y, and z just to get her to the appt. If your wife HADN'T taken her to laundry then to breakfast would she STILL have gone to the appt?? She needs to be ready to do this.

She also may feel guilted into going if your wife does these things for her - like she owed it to you guys....not saying that was your intent at all, but a woman considering placing should never have to feel that way.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thedaddy

I agree that he deserves to know, but this is not my place is it? I will talk to the SW about maybe us getting some info on him.

If his rights aren't properly terminated it could very quickly become your place. Do you want this child to happy and well adjusted? Well then don't cheat her out of knowing one of the people that created her.