[jren]

We're in the "waiting for a match" phase of adoption #2. This process is so different than our 1st where we just were shown out of a book and never knew who/when we were shown. For this time (since we've moved out of state), we're going through a facilitator/networking agency and they send us cases that we can submit for if interested.

We're having a hard time deciding what to submit for. For our 1st adoption, we said we were open to "social" drug and alcohol use in the first trimester and DD's birthmom had no drug use.

This time, about 98% of the cases we've seen have been heavy drug use - mostly meth addiction which just scares me when they want an open adoption. I just don't know if we should hold out for less drug exposure, what affect does it really have on baby, which drugs are more harmful to developing fetus, etc.? We've also seen cocaine use, methadone (which is the drug to keep you off heroine but baby is born with withdrawal from it worse than withdrawal from heroine), pot (not too concerned about that one, and alcohol (heavy, 1/2 pint/day of vodka e.g.).

I'm just getting frustrated b/c I know it's not the baby's fault, but if we're looking into open adoption, we have to keep our current DD in mind and I don't want to expose her to someone dealing with addiction - my sister went through it and it made her do some crazy things.

I can't help but think that my facilitator is only getting the "hard to place" cases, though they claim that's not true. Plus, I think we're looking for another situation just like DD's, which I know no 2 are alike.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by jren

We're in the "waiting for a match" phase of adoption #2. This process is so different than our 1st where we just were shown out of a book and never knew who/when we were shown. For this time (since we've moved out of state), we're going through a facilitator/networking agency and they send us cases that we can submit for if interested.

We're having a hard time deciding what to submit for. For our 1st adoption, we said we were open to "social" drug and alcohol use in the first trimester and DD's birthmom had no drug use.

This time, about 98% of the cases we've seen have been heavy drug use - mostly meth addiction which just scares me when they want an open adoption. I just don't know if we should hold out for less drug exposure, what affect does it really have on baby, which drugs are more harmful to developing fetus, etc.? We've also seen cocaine use, methadone (which is the drug to keep you off heroine but baby is born with withdrawal from it worse than withdrawal from heroine), pot (not too concerned about that one, and alcohol (heavy, 1/2 pint/day of vodka e.g.).

I'm just getting frustrated b/c I know it's not the baby's fault, but if we're looking into open adoption, we have to keep our current DD in mind and I don't want to expose her to someone dealing with addiction - my sister went through it and it made her do some crazy things.

I can't help but think that my facilitator is only getting the "hard to place" cases, though they claim that's not true. Plus, I think we're looking for another situation just like DD's, which I know no 2 are alike.

There is actually a forum specifically for this issue. The threads aren't that long but many of them have some valuable stuff in them.

We found our second experience to be much tougher than our first. Like you, we were willing to consider the possibility of exposure early in the pregnancy. In the end, DD had alot more exposure than we knew when we decided to match with her. She's fine but it was tough. And it also opened the possibility of considering some tougher cases the second time around and found ourselves in a similar situation where we were presented with alot of the really tough situations, and had to turn down having our profile shown because there were situations that we decided we couldn't handle. There is no shame in that at all. It was hard each time to say 'no' to being shown, but it we knew we needed to do what we could handle. And based on that experience (DS has been a tougher kid and most probably had more exposure) we are still open to the possibility of adopting again, this time through foster care.

So that said, I don't think you should not consider these situations but I don't think it is helpful to the child to consider them just because you feel that is your only option. You truly have to be ready for anything because there are so many unknowns involved.

As I have already stated, both my children have some prenatal exposure to substance. I put it that way because we know for sure they were exposed to crack cocaine and alcohol at various levels and times while in utero. But at least from our experience, we still really don't know the full story about when and how much and what kind of substances were used. I'm relating that because when considering situations where prenatal exposure may be an issue, most especially when there is addiction involved (that is a disclaimer because I know that there are many women who drink before realizing they are pregnant...that is a completely different situation). So whatever you decide, you have to prepared for that possibility, for the unexpected and for the not-knowing.

That said, IMO it is more about timing and metabolism whether or not a certain substance causes harm. And prenatal nutrition and care as well as postnatal environment all factor in. I guarantee that with every story, you will not be able to find a standard or gauge for any of it. It just isn't there.

If it were me, and we were waiting to adopt again, we would consider most drugs except meth. Although some here have experience with it, for me, there wasn't enough longterm information regarding the effects of this drug on development.

And it should be noted that for the most part, if and when an illegal substance is used, it is most probably the case that alcohol was used on some level as well. And alcohol is probably the worst of all for known longterm effects.

There really is no way of knowing how a child might be affected by prenatal substance use. It is a leap of faith. But I've realized that most of parenting is anyway. You have to determine the level of risk you are willing to consider and then look at each case on its own merit and make a decision. That is what we did and our agency was very willing to let us have time to make these decisions on a case by case basis (although it was incredibly hard to say "no" to any of them, but we had to...) and not force us to check a box and say yes or no on a form. They did this because they had few families willing to consider some of the more complex cases.

Another thing to consider is that no matter how a child does initially post-birth, there is no guarantee regarding development. In fact, from all the education and reading we have done, it became clear that until a child is of the age where they are making logical and independent decisions, the full effect may not be known. This usually does not occur before the teen years.

DD (4yo) seems to show no effects at all. She is creative, high-spirited, joyful, stubborn and a tad (okay ALOT) melodramatic. And I am certain it is all personality. DS had quite a few problems in the first six months of life, including withdrawal for about 6 weeks that subsequently led to digestive issues (doc called it colic but I'm still not sure). There also concerns about potential cerebral palsy but that wasn't fact. He is amazing, feisty, high energy and struggles with volatility, which might be associated with being two, or his personality he got from his birth dad or maybe, the prenatal exposure. We just don't know.

Your question about the open relationship with those who struggle with addictions is a valid one. Although any OA is hard, I have found the struggle to communicate mutually really frustrating at times and there is no consistency in contact, which I had hoped for. And I must add, the added stress of knowing the other family of your child is hurting and struggling for me at least, has often weighed me down. I love them therefore I worry. You have to decide what you can handle and then trust that with hard work, the possibility is there. But it is true, no two OA's will be the same. That is just the way it is.

Some resources that I have found helpful... a booklist for issues related to prenatal exposure; NIDA website which I found very helpful; contact a developmental pediatrician who specializes in prenatal exposure; contact your local early intervention program through your county health unit...they will have information; the library; and your agency may have some resources available...

Hope that helps...

[minibus]

It's difficult to make that choice, isn't it? Even with alcohol (which is the worst drug to be exposed to in-utero, from what I understand), it's also still up to chance whether or not the baby is affected.

You also have to gauge the honesty of the birthparent's answers. We were matched with a birthmom who seemed REALLY honest - she talked about taking Tylenol and ibuprofen when she was sick and didn't know she was pregnant yet and having one or two drinks before she found out she was pregnant, etc. But no illegal drugs or anything after she found out she was expecting. Then the baby turned out to be addicted to meth at birth. Whoops.

[jren]

Thanks so much for your responses. Tammy, I'll check out all of info you recommended. We are SO struggling with this, and I feel that if it was our first adoption, we'd actually be MORE open to it - strangely. We are just so happy with DD's situation - for her - that it makes it hard to go to the other extreme. Most of the cases are meth use and that one really scares me b/c it's so addictive and highly unlikely that the exposure would be minimal in those cases. Starting to think that DD will be an only child...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by jren

Thanks so much for your responses. Tammy, I'll check out all of info you recommended. We are SO struggling with this, and I feel that if it was our first adoption, we'd actually be MORE open to it - strangely. We are just so happy with DD's situation - for her - that it makes it hard to go to the other extreme. Most of the cases are meth use and that one really scares me b/c it's so addictive and highly unlikely that the exposure would be minimal in those cases. Starting to think that DD will be an only child...

What I learned about meth when we were considering a possible placement...

1) one of the biggest concerns if there has been chronic meth use is actual change in form and function of organs. An ultrasound at the right time can determine if the child is developing well and if you have concerns you could make this the condition of a possible match. We were told by a pediatrician that for a child exposed to meth in utero, that if a child is born "well" without medical conditions and good apgars, they have a good chance of some of the hardest stuff being older.

2) All of the longer term studies (which there aren't many) that I read relate to children who continued to live in an environment where meth was abused or made. Meth is one of the only drugs that can be absorbed through the skin of a person who may not be ingesting it at all. That is why children apprehended from meth houses often test positive for meth. So, environment and not being exposed post-birth can have alot to do with making a child healthier. Trouble is that, at least as far as I could find, there hasn't been time enough, since the drug is so new, to have long term studies of effects on children raised in safe homes. And this is especially true of infants placed at birth. I think they would have a better chance because they weren't exposed after birth.

3) Meth is addictive. But so are alot of other things. If an OA is your hope, than you have to consider the possible health (or lack thereof) of the child's other parents. It's that way for any situation where there is addiction.

If you aren't ready for any possibility, don't take a match just to have another child. You might wait longer but the possibly right situation may come up eventually. We considered strongly our DD being an only child.