[txhope]

I'm a little frantic right now. We were activated with our agency a month ago and I just got a phone call about a situation. We have until Monday to decide if we want our profile to be presented to her. They're emailing me all the non-identified info right now. Everything they told me over the phone is in line with what we're open to, so that's good. The kicker is the expenses- she's requesting living expenses and has no insurance and is not elegible for state aid. The agency just quoted me $39,000!!! Am I crazy to think that's really high? Or is that standard or normal in the range of birthmom expenses? Our agency collects a deposit of $5,000 to cover birthmom expenses when we have a match, so I was kind of assuming that would be the standard amount, with some leeway for a range that we would have to pay.

Can anyone provide insight into the expenses that they've paid, heard of, been quoted? Should I re-adjust our planning and just expect to spend this much money (on top of all the other agency fees?).

[kelceesmom]

Holy cow. I would not be able to nor would I want to afford that.

Why is she not eligible for state aid if she does not have insurance?

Our adoption was considered kind of high and we paid about $22k.

Good luck in your decision. You will do what is best for your family.

[HappyTwinsMom]

That sounds outrageous to me. I have a hard time believing that a pregnant woman with no insurance isn't eligible for any state aid. That bears checking into a little more closely.

Good luck to you!

[loveajax]

I don't want to be a "wet blanket" but that seems REALLY REALLY high to me. Do you mean the whole adoption, soup to nuts, will cost $39K or just $39K in expenses? When is the expecting mom due? Either way...whew!

I know it is hard to think that this may be the right siutation (and it may be), but I bet other situations will arise that will cost you a lot less. Either way, best of luck to you!

[BrandyHagz]

Yelch!

Can you afford to lose $39K if she makes the decision to parent?

That'd be the deciding factor. Only commit to what you can afford to lose and still obtain your goal to become a parent if/when that happens.

I see red flags. Really big red flags. Not just the expesnes - but the fact that a pregnant woman who doesn't have insurance doesn't qualify for Medicaid...that is almost unheard of...in fact in my state, if I didn't have insurance, I would qualify...and my husband and I make a very comfortable living and are fully able to support our family, our mortgage and our two car payments...

I'd ask for more specifics on that...it doesn't sound right.

[txhope]

Thank you for helping think I'm not crazy. I don't have all the details yet, I should have an expense breakdown tonight. The agency said that amount was for living expenses and medical expenses. I don't know anything other than she'll be moving to the state our agency is in, she's due late summer, and the BF is not her husband. We've already paid over 7k just in agency fees (application, activation, etc.) There's another 10k agency fee that we pay once we match and place. We were estimating about $22,000-$25,000 in agency and legal fees and then another $5,000-$7,000 in birth mother expenses to bring the total for everything to 30-32,000.

I hate to think that this is our first opportunity and we've already been longing to add to our family for so long (6+ years with fertility treatments and adoption) and now we may have to say no.

[sugarmuffin]

and scary......I agree with everyone. You need to check out everything. Isn't there a cap on this things? I know that the agency I am working with has caps on things coz I couldn't imagine what I would do if someone said I needed 39,000 AFTER being matched and my emotions were involved.

I will be praying for you

[mdesi]

$39k is too high. I think $32k is too high, too. (If I'm reading correctly) The break down was $17k for the agency, and $7k for attorneys + the mother's medical and living expenses. What is the agency doing for the $17k? I am not trying to be snarky, but counseling and advertising comes no where near $17k, even figuring in a SW's fees. Where does the rest of the money go?

[Oceans]

$39K seems high for expenses and Medical alone... I have experience with a recent situation that resulted in a little over $15K worth of medical (hospital was $10K) and the bmom never saw anyone until the start of the 3rd Trimester... Even then she used a mid-wife. So even at $20K for medical, the remaining $19K for expenses is high... $4K/month tax free has you living pretty well.

What happens if the baby is premature or needs to be in the NICU a day or two? YIKES!!

[mdesi]

Is the $39k in addition to the other $22k-$25k? If it is, I would really want to know what the agency does with that $17k. Why are they not helping the e-mom get assistance from the state for medical? What could possibly cost that much in living expenses?

[sbaglio]

I had to check on the number of zeros in that figure. Hopefully you have a reputable agency, because it sounds shady to me. That is WAY too much, regardless of what type of adoption it is, or what expenses you are expected to pay. And remember that "living expenses" are only estimated - you may end up paying even more.

[txhope]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.

The expenses that we budgeted for are:

Application fee: 800
Processing fee: 2000
File Activation fee: 4500
Agency fee: 10,500
Medical / Living: 7000 tops
Total: 22,800

We had to go through a different agency for our home study and that was an additional 2500 bringing our total cost to 25,300. We added another 5000 or so to the budget of misc. expenses or legal fees. The 32,000 is the top of what we thought we might end up with if we were off on some of our numbers.

I haven't gotten an answer on my question to the agency of the amount, whether that was total or just medical / living expenses. If it's just medical / living expenses we're going to have to say no. That's too big of a gamble to take. Thank you to Brandy for reminding me that we don't get a refund of that money.

I have a list of questions I'm emailing them, inculding why she can't qualify for state assistance. Hopefully they'll be able to provide more info. We did get basics tonight on her and limited info on him.

Thank you again for responding.

[KIC1975]

So is the $39K on top of the (about) $30K for the rest of it?

That is really, really high. I could possibly see a total spent of $39k if there were extenuating circumstances. But we had high birth mother expenses and we were looking at $4K +. Unless you are adopting out of CO. I've talked with an adoptive mom that adopted from CO and they were required to completely support the birthmom in her last trimester.

Also, check with your attorney. I know here in WA we have to get court approval for ANY birthmom expenses.

If it were me, I'd turn it down. Good luck with the decision.
-K

[kelceesmom]

Tx just curious because even your agency fees are really high. But, what are all those fees for activation, filing, and agency fees for? What do they cover.

[txhope]

KIC~ I don't know yet. When I talked with our lady, I got the impression that the 39k was for medical / living expenses, on top of all the other agency fees. When I looked at what she emailed me the form says "the fees and expenses for this adoption are anticipated to be $35,975+ a portion of medical cost in the amount of $3,025(OB $2,000, pediatrician $190.00, anesthesiologist $835.00)=$39,000. I've emailed our social worker for clarification.

kelceesmom~ Honestly, I don't really know. I researched a lot of agencies and I know ours has slightly higher fees than the average I looked at. They also have (or say they have) an average shorter wait time- 4 months. That's why we went with them, even knowing they're more expensive. I'm not happy with the fees, especially since we haven't had the best experience to date. The processing fee was to review our file and our home study, the activation and agency fee, to the best I can figure out is for advertising, counseling, services to the birth parents, basic legal services, and basic services to us. Once a birth parent is with them there's supossed to be an agency worker with them at all appointments, a agency rep at the hospital specifically for us...and whatever else.

I realize this is a lot of money, we personally think the fees are ridiculous to begin with and that this really is a business, no bones about it. That's the practical business side of us. The other side is our hearts and our emotions, they tell us to do whatever we need to. It's hard to reconcile the two sides.