[GinaMarie119]

On our agency application there is a question that reads:

"Should there be expenses associated with the birth mother such as living expenses, are you able and or willing to incure this expense? Y N Up to what amount?_________ "

How should we answer this? We are willing to pay reasonable & necessary expenses but we don't want to only be shown situations with high fees because we are willing to pay them either. Is there an average amount that we should consider? Maybe 2500 is that high... low 5000?? Of those of you that have placed recently, did you encur any birth mother expenses and if you don't mind could you share the total?

Thanks so much!!

Gina

[kelceesmom]

First you need to know what is legally allowed in your state. Not every state allows you to pay for expenses. That is where I would start.

As for how much you are the only ones that know how much you can afford to lose if the matched failed at some point and still continue down the path of adoption.

We knew we could lose xxx amount of $$$ and still try to adopt at least one more time. Thankfully our situation did not come to that point and we have our beautiful daughter with us today. Good luck.

[GinaMarie119]

Thanks for your response Denice. I am glad you found success with your first adoption. That is AWESOME.

We live in New york so the law states:

Birth Parent Expenses Allowed

Statute: Soc. Serv. § 374(6)

Actual medical and hospital costs.

• Other necessary expenses related to pregnancy.
• Legal fees.
• Payment of expenses shall not exceed 30 days after birth or consent unless court determines exceptional circumstances.

When I delivered my first two children, we had comprehensive insurance and only paid the co-pay. So I have no clue what "Hospital costs" could be. According to the agency application it says that we must pay the full cost of pre-natal care, delivery and or associated costs if there is no/minimal insurance. Though they do work with the e-moms to get medicaid when possible. We are ok with that. The numbers get fuzzy in regards to the "additional expenses" it say that sometimes the e-moms require rent, maternity clothing, transportation and food. They state that if we are unwilling to incur these expenses it is important to share that on this registration form. So we are confused as to what would be reasonable in excess of the hospital bill.

I guess like you said, we just figure out the max we can afford and are willing to lose (YIKES) and go from there with our fingers crossed!

Thanks for your insight

Gina

[BrandyHagz]

The best answer I've seen is "Expenses discussed on a case per case basis"

There is no reason why an adoptive parent should have to pay for expenses at all. If the mother is so financial destitute – she should qualify for state aide.

A pregnancy does not render a woman unable to support herself. There are thousands upon thousands of women who work right up to their delivery date – and beyond.

Unless there is a clear cut case of real medical need (bed rest required to continue the pregnancy in a healthy manner) – the expenses should be the responsibility of the person who incurs them and no one else!

As for offering to pay for expenses – go into knowing you are making a charitable donation with no hope of having a refund if things don’t work out. You should never donate more money than you are comfortable donating.

I never requested expenses. I had very few. I wore sweat pants and t-shirts to class and to work (thankfully, I had an understanding boss).

I had medical care through my insurance and didn’t qualify for Medicaid due to my income (and student loans).

I will warn, however, that that didn’t keep the agency I used from BILLING the adoptive family for ‘expenses’ – which we discovered several years later.

They paid for clothing, food, housing and counseling – none of which I ever asked for or received. I am not the only birth mother who has experienced this. Two different types of professionals (mine was a faith based non-profit, hers a facilitator).

So protect yourself and keep the lines of communication open. There is no reason why you can’t ask the mother if she got the clothing allowance she had asked for….doing so just ensure she’s been taken care of and that you’re money (which you’ve been asked for) is reaching its intended destination.

[GinaMarie119]

"Expenses discussed on a case per case basis" that is the greatest. I can't believe I didn't think of it! Thanks BrandyHagz!!

You see, I have a feeling that you are not the minority and there are more birth mothers like you out there, that are capable of taking care of themselves.

My fear is that if I tell the agency that we are willing to spend say $10,000 they will find a way to charge us for $9,500+. So far we are warm and fuzzy about the agency. We have had excellent interactions with them to date and positive referalls but the fact of the matter and as sad as it is this is a business. It does not suprise me that there are agencies out there that sneak fees through under the umbrella of "Birth Mother Expenses".

I also feared that if we said we were willing to pay high fees we would only be shown those situations as and I think we are going to have enough trouble as it is already having two bio kids. So we need to be profiled as much as possible. (who doesn't right ??)

Maybe I am just being paranoid and cynical because I am in the early stages. Thanks so much validating my concerns!

Gina

[minibus]

I would definitely put something along the lines of "will discuss on a case by case basis". Some things just feel right, others don't. If you put a hard line, then you are stuck. There are many people on this board that will tell you that they won't pay any birthmother expenses, which I respect as their decision ... if that were the case for you, then I would put that. Good luck in this process!

[FFwife]

I just wanted to thank you for posting this since I was wondering the same thing.

[Free_to_be_me]

I didn't request/need any financial assistance either. My health care was covered. I was living with my parents. I continued going to school until the day the baby was born and returned about a week later. I worked almost every weekend during my pregnancy.

[JustCourtney]

Our SW advised us similiarly to what others have written - remember that it is called "at risk money" for a reason, and only risk as much as you can and still be able to move forward with another adoption.

Our agency also works very hard to insure that their are few if any expenses filtered down to us. They work to get medical care, housing, and job training or schooling for the emoms. Their philosophy is that if they are in need now - they will be in even more need after their baby is born. They want to make sure that they have a plan for after their baby is gone (should they decide to TPR). Paying for their rent and expenses for a few months and then leaving them high and dry with no way to care for themselves after 6-8 is not really helping them - just helping you to feel better. Does that make sense?

Either way - best of luck! I know that my husband and I agonized over all of the decisions we had to make, and we are relieved that that part is over. Of course, there is now a whole other world of anxiety!

[GlamRock]

Originally Posted by CourtneynCarl

Paying for their rent and expenses for a few months and then leaving them high and dry with no way to care for themselves after 6-8 is not really helping them - just helping you to feel better.

I 100% agree! I was afraid to ask this question because I couldn't figure out how to phrase it without coming off like a big jerk.

I come from a family where my mother worked right up until (and right after) birth for most of her kids (not that I recommend that). I can't imagine taking complete care of an adult for several months... doing that would totally bankrupt me and leave no room for my own bills or the child's needs (ymmv).

That's probably the biggest mental barrier for me -- paying $lots for the adoption process and then paying $$OMG!$$ in birthmother expenses on top of it. Which could be any amount of money, from "just the copays" to rent/food/clothes/entertainment etc.

Don't get me wrong I would absolutely be willing to pay for copays and small expenses, but some of these birthmother and surrogate expenses can really get out of hand if you don't have a pretty good idea of what your limits are to begin with (IMO).

[GinaMarie119]

Thanks everyone for your comments. We ended up putting "Expenses discussed on a case per case basis" and sent it on it's way.... YIKES!!

Thanks again for your suggestions. These boards are AWESOME

Gina

[meghann]

Originally Posted by GinaMarie119

You see, I have a feeling that you are not the minority and there are more birth mothers like you out there, that are capable of taking care of themselves.

My fear is that if I tell the agency that we are willing to spend say $10,000 they will find a way to charge us for $9,500+. So far we are warm and fuzzy about the agency. We have had excellent interactions with them to date and positive referalls but the fact of the matter and as sad as it is this is a business. It does not suprise me that there are agencies out there that sneak fees through under the umbrella of "Birth Mother Expenses".

I am 99.9% sure I know what agency you are dealing with based on your state & the way you worded the question (we're also working with that agency) and I can tell you...don't worry about that. They're not going to sneak other charges in under that "umbrella" & they're not going to only profile you for cases that have huge expenses. I promise.

That said, when we were filling out our application we questioned it as well - the whole thing is *so* expensive, and the thought of adding more to it was just too much. I know that many agencies work very closely with the expectant mothers that come to them to find available resources for them to get care during their pregnancy - we were told by our caseworker that the vast majority of the expectant mothers they work with are able to get Medicaid coverage if they don't already have insurance, and that very few cases end up having high birth parent expenses.

We were advised to put down *something*, though, because if you put down that you are not willing to cover *any* expenses, then if there is, say, a small copayment that needs to be taken care of, you won't be considered for that particular case. I think we ended up putting down about $1000 - basically, the total cost we would have incurred from insurance copayments had I become pregnant & given birth.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does.

ETA: Never mind - I see you already figured it out. That'll teach me not to read ahead... Good luck!

[rredhead]

DS's birthmom didn't initially want anything for expenses. Then there was a family emergency, and then she ended up having a C-section, so we did end up paying 2-3 months of rent for her. We didn't mind.
We put down what we thought was reasonable. Basically, we thought that the only expense we could see being constant was rent. If she wasn't able to work for whatever reason, or had to live in birthmother housing, then we thought of what we'd pay for that.
The facilitator didn't charge us for anything for birthmom expenses, although I now know that they have charged other families for so-called "birthmother expenses".
I love Brandy's answer, and will probably use it next time.

[GinaMarie119]

Thanks Meghann since living in "my state" seems to present me with only few options for agencies, it is likely that you have figured out who we have registered with. I do want to thank you for your post though, it helps to hear positive things about the agency. So far, we have been very pleased with the communication we have had with them, but it is just SOOOO much money to begin with and then to add more.. YIKES!! Honestly, I was mostly concerned about only being shown to high fee e-moms. We want to be shown as much as possible... success in #'s right? Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

Robyn- Thanks for commenting as well. We are willing to pay reasonable expenses as well. It is just without knowing what they are, it is difficult to put a number on it!! Bye the way, I LOVE your signature, it is awesome!!!