[litgirl]

Hi everyone! My husband and I are still considering domestic and international adoption. We like the timeframe for domestic, but we are very scared about a birthmom changing her mind and being devastated AND losing tons of money. Anyone have any advice? Also, if you know of an agency that holds money until placement or has another way of handling this situation, please PM me. Thanks!

[bajj]

Expectant Mother's do change their mind from time to time. However, many of us have adopted domestically. I have twice and plan to again, hopefully sooner than later.

I would advice calling different agencies and asking questions. Ask what happens to the fee if placement doesn't occur. The agency I used you pay at the time of placement, which doesn't occur until relinquishment, unless you state you are willing to have the legalrisk until such a time as tpr.

Just call and ask and do your research! Good luck!

[Lilly's Mommy]

Boy, can I understand your fear of an expectant mom reconsidering after a match, or after the birth! That used to be my greatest fear, and it did happen to us.

Most definitely, do not go with an agency that requires the full fee up front, or one that won't somehow apply funds toward another match should one match fail.

Being on this side of the adoption experience, I can now say that should we decide to adopt again, the thought of an expectant mom reconsidering is no longer a devastating thought. In seeing the realities of what many birthmothers go through after placement (largely from reading these forums), I would never wish to raise a child whose birtmother/mother decided that she could parent. My pain that will heal, and will be filled by another child, does not compare to the pain of a birthmother who would otherwise spend the rest of her life desperately missing her child.

I realize that I can only say this now because I do have my daughter. I don't know how much of this would have helped me previously, but I throw it out there just in case.

Adoption sure isn't for the faint of heart, but it's soooo worth the potential for heartache when you finally have your child. Best of luck to you!

[calee]

Yes, birthmothers change their mind. It is a reality of adoption. However, she can only change her mind up to a certain point, and that will depend on your state. As far as losing money, an ethical agency should NOT charge you a full fee upfront-instead, once you have a successful placement, they should charge you the majority of your fees then.

[jaenelle]

You can ask your agency if they ever get situations where the baby is already born -- our daughter was a situation like this. The consents were irrevocable before we were even called about her. We had to miss the first 4 days of her life, but got to immediately begin bonding with her without worrying that birthparents could reclaim her.

Also, most agencies do not charge a lot before the baby is actually placed with you. Run, don't walk, from any that want large fees before placement. The only exception may be is if they will "roll over" that fee to another situation.

[typeset]

I am new to this, just having filed an application last week, but wouldn't you lose any money that you used if you were able to offer support to the biomom throughout the pg- bills, healthcare etc?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by litgirl

Hi everyone! My husband and I are still considering domestic and international adoption. We like the timeframe for domestic, but we are very scared about a birthmom changing her mind and being devastated AND losing tons of money. Anyone have any advice? Also, if you know of an agency that holds money until placement or has another way of handling this situation, please PM me. Thanks!

THe only thing I can say is if you choose any path of adoption, you have to come to terms with the risks of that path. For domestic adoption, there is the risk of a mother considering adoption for her child to make a decision to parent even after a plan is made. You as a hopeful parent are taking on that risk knowingly and have to be ready to go through the loss of the possibility. Because really, that is all that a "match" in domestic adoption is ... a possibility ... no one is entitled to a child except the expecting/new parents until they make a decision otherwise. SO that is a risk. All I can say is that along with being hopeful about the possibility for your family, recognize that you must take it one step at a time and most of all, hope for what is best for the child. Only the new parent can make that decision.

As for the financial risk, I don't have lots to say about that as we adopted in a province in Canada where the risks are lowered because you only pay fees for services, not for anything extra. It is illegal to pay an expecting parent any expenses at any time. So our risk was minimal if an expecting parent made the decision to parent after considering our family for an adoption placement. I would recommend you find an agency that will work with you in giving you less financial risk up front. In fact, I would be quite leary and be quite suspect of the motives of those agencies that expect you to pay all sorts of money for a possibility instead of as services (such as application fee, parent prep, homestudy, counselling for you and expecting parents considering adoption, placement and court costs). THis is something you can control the risk of if you're willing to do the work to find an agency to work with you.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by calee

Yes, birthmothers change their mind. It is a reality of adoption.

Just want to gently say that one of the ways we kept things in perspective was to remember that "birthmothers" do not change their mind on whether to place or not because they are not "birthmothers" until after they make the decision to place. Before that decision is made whether to place or parent, they are expecting mothers or new mothers who are seeking what is best for their child.

[KariBill04]

You do also have to remember that you can claim a "failed" adoption on your income taxes.

We opted to do a domestic adoption becasue of the fact we can write the expense off basically IF we do have a failed match vs. an international failed adoption where you can not claim it on your taxes.

You can right off up to $11,390 PER domestic attempt.

My agency asks for up to $5000.00 for birth-mother expenses up front not the full amount until the baby is placed.

[BabyHope]

I didn't know you could claim a failed adoption on your taxes. Thank you so much for bringing that point up. Where can I find out more about that? It seems as though we might be in a failed match right now. We had to pay the agency a $5,000 "matching fee" and $3,000 so far for the expectant Mom's living expenses. She's not due until August 25th. We are supposed to pay $4,000 next week. But, we have to straighten things out first with emom before we lose any more money. We've bonded with her and her family (and baby) so it would be hard losing their relationship also.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm just having a hard time today dealing with the stress of not knowing what's going on.

[BabyHope]

Hi again! I forgot to ask a question about the tax credit for a failed adoption. In the case of a failed adoption, how long does the baby have to be in the adoptive parents home before you can claim the adoption on your taxes? In my state, the waiting period before TPR is 30 days.

[denisenw5]

I would research agencies who do not require you to pay any expectant parent expenses. Many agencies automatically offer women considering adoption living expenses from their very first phone call to the agency. Other agencies will offer to help expectant parents in need after they have met with them and assessed their needs. This money should come from the agency, not the potential adoptive parents. There are agencies out there who operate this way, you just need to do your research.