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Old 11-21-2012, 10:23 AM
iluvpsu1971 iluvpsu1971 is offline
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Unhappy Here I am again

I would really like to have some help here since the professionals seem to not have the answers for me. Background on us...we adopted an older SN child internationally in 2007. She was abusive to my bio daughter and adults and had many more SN than were told. After sometime we decided to dissolve our adoption and find her a home here in the US. I am so happy to say she is doing well.

Well, after 5 years we wanted to give adoption another try. I felt things would be different this time. We came home with our 2 year old daughter from international adoption and with many many sn than we thought. She is raging terribly and doesn't sleep at all. I am not bonding with her. I am not sure if this is from fear from before, but I am not doing well. Anybody go through this before.
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:46 PM
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Linny Linny is offline
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Yes. I believe I have. I would highly suspect while you had your first sn child you developed some (if not a significant amount of) PTSD. *I* denied that *I* could have it for some time until I developed anxiety attacks---even after the child had left. I'd never had such a thing and was totally shocked by it all; yet, there it was....

When your body and soul are used to the CONSTANT trauma from people who are abusive, it sort of sets your brain into a separate mode all its own. Those external triggers of constant manipulation, lying, stealing, sexual acting out cause your brain to go into 'survival mode' and react in a way to help you get through the presentation of those triggers.
Even with therapy, the your reactions can remain. They can/will get better in time----especially with counseling (and especially counseled with EMDR), but they can still come up again. The remedy is knowing when they're coming about and how to deal with them early on.

If your new child is acting out---even with just a glimpse of what your past child had done, it's likely your brain will go to those same techniques it did to survive.

I would highly suggest you talk with a counselor who's dealt with parents of abusive and/or RAD children. A counselor who's licensed to perform EMDR would be the best, IMO.

I wish you well. I personally know this isn't easy to re-live and remedy so that you can go on; but it's possible.
Please feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Most Sincerely,

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Old 11-27-2012, 12:06 PM
operadiva02 operadiva02 is offline
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OK, I'm sorry. I'm going to be judgmental. I'm an adopted adult (and a birth mother), so I think I have a right to weigh in here. First of all, children offer NO guarantees, whether biological or adopted. You don't know what you're going to get or what issues they may face. And if that's not a risk you can deal with, I don't think parenting is for you (yes, I understand this sounds incredibly jerky, but it's how I feel). Adopted children have already suffered a significant trauma that has taken their natural family from them. Even having been adopted at birth, I don't know a single other adopted child or adult who hasn't been extremely sensitive to abandonment or anything that looks, feels or quacks like abandonment.

I get that sometimes kids present issues that parents are not necessarily equipped to deal with. But isn't the ADULT (parent) the one who is supposed to buck up and find a way? Children aren't a sweater you can return to the store because you decide you don't like the way it fits. And I certainly get that there's a massive lack of resources to help parents who have challenging children.

Personally, I'm not sure how you were approved to adopt again after a dissolution, but again, just my opinion.

If I found out that the family who adopted my daughter changed their minds and sent her back because she wound up being a challenge, I'd be heartbroken. I spent a significant amount of time agonizing over my decision and trying to decide who and what was best for her, and I expect her parents to be just that. Her parents. Forever.

I agree with earlier posters who suggested you seek counseling regarding your earlier dissolved adoption. And please, I beg you, please do not give up on this new child. He/she needs you.
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Old 11-28-2012, 04:37 PM
iluvpsu1971 iluvpsu1971 is offline
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I understand your opinion and that is ok. You are entitled to your opinion. BUT you don't know me and my family. I was seriously looking for help, not judgement. We went through an extensive homestudy evaluation and therapy. Until you walk in a person's shoes or know their story, I guess someone would have no understanding. I would have not understood before this all happened, but when you have a child hurting and abusing another child...well it is hard to witness. I believe that not all placements are the RIGHT placement for all families and when they find the right family it is wonderful. I am a mother and love children, so yes, PARENTING is for me. I do believe a lot of my fear is from our previous adoption and need to work through this. I never said I was giving up on this adoption. I just was looking for someone who might be able to relate and give me GOOD advice.
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Old 12-03-2012, 09:50 AM
Qwerk Qwerk is offline
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I'm a clinical social work student, though not in adoption services. I know what an emotionally fraught topic disruption is, on and off these boards. I can understand how helpless you might be feeling now. Many agencies don't properly prepare families to meet their new children's needs, and some even intentionally withhold information. No one can completely prepare themselves for every possible adoption outcome.

Are you currently in individual or family therapy? I don't know what your family situation is like, but it sounds like you might be shouldering much of the emotional burden of the adoption process yourself. A family therapist might help your family distribute the load more evenly. Someone experienced with special needs and/or adoption would probably be best here. Depending on your location and finances, you might even be able to receive free or low-cost services.

How long has it been since she came home? I'm sure you already know this, but an initial adjustment period is perfectly normal for both you and your child. Don't feel that you have to be perfectly bonded right from the start. Not immediately feeling a deep love for your new arrival doesn't make you a bad parent or a failure. If you're making an effort to respond to your child's needs, count yourself as a success. Most of all, make sure that you get the emotional care that you need. It sounds like you could use a professional to help sort out some of these feelings.
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Old 01-12-2013, 03:01 PM
jenf jenf is offline
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I just read your post and feel terrible for you. My son was 2 1/2 when I first took him as a foster/adopt placement. He has a diagnosis of RAd and was quite a handful-raged terribly- sometimes for hours at a time, destroyed everything he got his hands on, smeared feces on our walls, etc. That was almost 8 years ago. Today he functions well, and looking back, I don't know how I hung in there some days. If you ever need someone to talk with, please pm me.
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Old 01-12-2013, 07:57 PM
lovestoread lovestoread is offline
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Tantruming and raging seem totally normal for a young child who has just been moved to live with strangers in a very new environment. We adopted domestically (foster care) and our 3y.o. had awful tantrums for the first few months. He desperately wanted us close to him, but pushed (hit, kicked) us away at the same time. It was hard, but we had expected it to be. We were prepared to work like crazy at this relationship for many months, if not years, without seeing improvement. Now it's been just over a year and he's doing amazing! He's very sweet, affectionate, and well behaved (not perfect, but who is?).

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Keep working at it and it will get better! It's great that you've already used therapy to work through some things; play therapy has really helped us bond as a family.

Best of luck to you! Keep us posted!
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:43 PM
Natacharm Natacharm is offline
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Do you have an update?

Is everything OK?
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Old 07-16-2014, 07:22 PM
information_needed information_needed is offline
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How did you find a home for SN? Our family is going though the painful decision to disrupt but don't know how to do it. The adoption agency suggested another agency in a different State that provides those services but nobody has come forward wanting to provide a home for our daughter. Help!!!
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Old 12-31-2014, 05:40 AM
Momz7 Momz7 is offline
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Dear Information_needed, My husband and I do respite for families that are in need! We have also adopted twice. Sometimes a parent needs time to think, to refresh, to get some breathing room! I am here if you would like to talk. You can reach me at
tishavsec at outlook. com

Hang in there! You are in my thoughts!!!!
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